If I'm wrong, let me know

OK, so you are the self-appointed monogamous devil's advocate voice on the Polyamory.com forum? I am not sure we need one. Those attitudes are everywhere, and are outmoded and patriarchal. If feminists want to change society's attitudes, we know full well what we are up against without your voice reminding us in a tiresome fashion.

But, it's a free country, dear, so "you go girl.":rolleyes:

No I don't claim to be a monogamy advocate. I just think its useful to remind her that in her current relationship configuration she is able to practice poly with women and her husband is not seeing anyone else. By all accounts it appears stable and has required very little emotional hardship from him or her. Many people LOVE stability in a marriage and lack of drama. I think we all know that this will change should she force the issue and demand that her partner begin the process of growing comfortable of her being with other men. Not to mention if he starts dating (which appears to be held out as a carrot on a stick) there is no telling what her feelings on the matter will be until it actually starts happening. So we go from a stable configuration of everyone happy with a minor annoyance on her part that men are off limits, to a potentially unstable configuration where both of them are having a hard time of it due to their expanding poly universe and things ending up in divorce court. Or maybe not, maybe everything will be fine. I just want her to really consider her next move and the repercussions before she does it so that shes not blind sided. Is that so terrible to put on the poly forum?
 
Personally, I was okay with my husband's OPP when I first opened up my marriage, but at the time, I had a willing woman in my life. As Sue noted, finding women willing to engage meaningfully and one-on-one with a bisexual married woman is very, very difficult. So, later, when no women were available to me, I started pushing for men. Graviton calls this "getting greedy." But it was more as if a flow in me had been opened, and I couldn't close it up again just because the people I was finding attractive and attracted to me weren't females.

As noted on another recent threat, bisexual doesn't necessarily equal polyamorous, they are two distinctly separate desires. What if you can't work out both these desires in one person who is conveniently not your spouse and also of the same gender?

Yeah, my husband took it badly, but you know what? I felt truer to myself once I allowed for connection with either gender. I say if ate2007 is able to scratch her itch with women alone, great, no need to rock the boat and there's nothing wrong with that. But it's easy to see how a woman who is polyamorous and bisexual will start to find an OPP constraining, especially if she rails against things like homophobia and patriarchy, which I suspect most of us do.
 
No I don't claim to be a monogamy advocate. I just think its useful to remind her that in her current relationship configuration she is able to practice poly with women and her husband is not seeing anyone else. By all accounts it appears stable and has required very little emotional hardship from him or her. Many people LOVE stability in a marriage and lack of drama. I think we all know that this will change should she force the issue and demand that her partner begin the process of growing comfortable of her being with other men. Not to mention if he starts dating (which appears to be held out as a carrot on a stick) there is no telling what her feelings on the matter will be until it actually starts happening. So we go from a stable configuration of everyone happy with a minor annoyance on her part that men are off limits, to a potentially unstable configuration where both of them are having a hard time of it due to their expanding poly universe and things ending up in divorce court. Or maybe not, maybe everything will be fine. I just want her to really consider her next move and the repercussions before she does it so that shes not blind sided. Is that so terrible to put on the poly forum?

Here is what ate2007 said

My husband says I'm allowed to date women but not men (I am bisexual, btw). A little back story - my husband has always known about my bisexuality. He does not mind me having a girlfriend at all (even if he doesn't have a gf of his own).

My bestie says that since I'm allowed to date outside the marriage so should my husband.

My hangup is this - that is fine and dandy - but if I am not allowed to date men AND women as I please but he can all the women he can/wants? Essentially, he has no restrictions while because I'm bi - I'm limited to dating women only. I don't think it's right or fair.



Am I looking at this the wrong way? Please let me know if I am because I more than willing to change my outlook and way of thinking.

She has no poly or bi friends, but a friend did tell her the OPP was unfair and now it's got her thinking. She also said her husband only "allows" her to date women, as if he is her father and she is a minor, or he is her owner and she is his property.

She can come back in and clarify if all this is a "minor annoyance" to her, or a bigger issue now that she thinks about it.

I don't think she sounds the type to "demand" anything, but she does seem to feel she needs permission to date her women and maybe now, men.

And yes, if her husband is poly (we don't know if he has any desire to date), she will have to deal with her feelings when he is out getting some from another woman. That is what all poly partnered people have to do. It doesn't necessarily lead to divorce court. My partner and I do just fine with the issue.

Keeping things status quo out of fear is one way to go about things, but why would she have posted if the status quo was still satisfactory?
 
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