If we're polyamorous, how can I be a distraction from him dating other women?

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Are you actually serious when you say that? Do people really put that much stock in who is friended or unfriended on Facebook, of all things? I will never understand the degree to which people allow stuff happening on Facebook to affect their relationships.

I would think there are more important things to care or worry about. Do people who don't want to be connected with someone on Facebook or seeing their posts there anymore have to stay Facebook friends out of obligation? Or not to be misunderstood? Besides, if the OP is angry, that's okay.


_

Well, of course it's ok if she's angry. And of course it's ok if she just wants to cut off contact.

She asked why HE would care if she deleted him on FB. I made a guess about what he might have felt. That's all.

For me, 99% of the folks on FB could disappear and I wouldn't care. But if it was someone who was a real life friend and I actually cared about who unfriended me? Yeah I'd be hurt.

 

[polycurious123]

Thanks everyone for the feedback!

I don't hate him, I'm just hurt and upset. I unfriend him on Facebook (and actually deactivated my entire account) because I didn't want to be tempted to check his page constantly or stalk the women he's dating. And to be honest, I didn't want to give him access to me. Even though he said he loved me, he decided to walk away from our relationship. I feel like he should lose the privilege of me being his life. Maybe that's petty, maybe I'll mature.

We haven't talked in a week and I feel okay. He said a lot of different things, so I agree with you guys that I might never know the reasons, but actions speak louder than words. He doesn't want to date me and most likely doesn't love me.

I feel kind of exhausted about it and am trying to move on. I feel hurt that even in a polyamorous relationship he doesn't want to date me. I'm totally cool with him seeing other women, place very few expectations upon him and he STILL doesn't want to be with me. Ouch!

 

[reflections]

I'm totally cool with him seeing other women, place very few expectations upon him and he STILL doesn't want to be with me. Ouch!

If I were in your shoes, I would take that as evidence that it ISN'T about me at all. You did all you could do - look at all you gave to this relationship. This is all about him. This would help me to not take the break-up as personally. Just another perspective.

Sorry you're hurting.

 

[polycurious123]

Thanks reflections! I didn't think about that, but that's a good perspective. I needed to hear it.

 

[polycurious123]

I know I need to move on, but it just sucks! I know at one point he loved me and was attached, but then he was suddenly, "I want to go in a different direction." How can people turn their emotions on and off?

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

How can people turn their emotions on and off?

I don't think feelings can be turned off ... But behaviors and actions can be stopped. Maybe the emotion hasn't changed, but someone has decided to stop expressing it and acting on it. I've been there. I've ended relationships because of other stuff going on with my life that had nothing to do with how much I cared about the guy.

The other thing is... Emotions do change. Especially in romantic relationships. Especially around the time NRE wears off and you transition from crazy manic romance to something more stable. Sometimes one person's emotions change and the other is still in love

I can see how much you're hurting. Moving on takes time! And sometimes a lot of processing. Or a lot of wine

 

[GalaGirl]

I know I need to move on, but it just sucks! I know at one point he loved me and was attached, but then he was suddenly, "I want to go in a different direction." How can people turn their emotions on and off?

For me feelings ensue after behavior. And if I want to detach from someone, then I have to stop hanging around with them so my feelings can fade/cool down.

It's not like a faucet or light switch that is just on/off. I have to change my actions.

I once broke up with a guy because of geography. The feelings were there but the LDR was frustrating and I did not enjoy it. There was no way to change the distance, so rather than pine away wishing for something I just could not have, I had to just stop so I could gain peace of mind.

Galagirl

 

[polycurious123]

Claire, you're cool. Can we be friends?

That's helpful. I noticed about a week before he broke up with me he stopped greeting me with a kiss and didn't say "I love you" as often. It was like he would reach out, then he stopped. So...I can see how maybe he decided to stop acting on it. And GalaGirl, things were good between us and we were connected, so maybe it got too intense for him since he's looking for other partners (he did seem jealous and distant when I couldn't see him because I had plans with others), so maybe that's one of the reasons he needed space, to cool off.

But, it's also possible, and likely that NRE was wearing off and things were kind of stable/settled between us. I can see him thinking that wasn't as exciting as the NRE he was experiencing with others and saw that as a sign we should stop seeing each other.

Ugh.I know I need to stop analyzing it and move on. I will...but I appreciate everyone's help processing this! My mono friends don't really get how you can sincerely love/be attached to another.

I don't think feelings can be turned off ... But behaviors and actions can be stopped. Maybe the emotion hasn't changed, but someone has decided to stop expressing it and acting on it. I've been there. I've ended relationships because of other stuff going on with my life that had nothing to do with how much I cared about the guy.

The other thing is... Emotions do change. Especially in romantic relationships. Especially around the time NRE wears off and you transition from crazy manic romance to something more stable. Sometimes one person's emotions change and the other is still in love

I can see how much you're hurting. Moving on takes time! And sometimes a lot of processing. Or a lot of wine

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

But, it's also possible, and likely that NRE was wearing off and things were kind of stable/settled between us. I can see him thinking that wasn't as exciting as the NRE he was experiencing with others and saw that as a sign we should stop seeing each other.

Or when the NRE buzz started to fade, he was able to think a little more rationally about the situation and realized he didn't want to put so much emotional energy into a relationship that would never be primary.

I feel for you, but I also sympathize with him. I am someone who craves a nesting style partnership. I would really feel something was missing from my life if I didn't have that. I get that among some poly folk that's seen as weakness or dependence but to me it's just how I'm wired. I enjoy the freedom to have multiple relationships but its not something I NEED. Someone to come home to... That's much more a priority for me.

If I was without a primary partner, I doubt I could handle less entwined relationships. I'd turn into a life sucking black hole of neediness and clinginess And in that situation I'd have to back off the relationship for my own sanity.

Obviously I don't know if that's what he's experiencing. It's just me projecting my own shit But I do know that relationships are complicated, poly relationships even more so, and there are lots of reasons relationships end that have nothing to do with how much you care about someone.

 

[polycurious123]

Or when the NRE buzz started to fade, he was able to think a little more rationally about the situation and realized he didn't want to put so much emotional energy into a relationship that would never be primary.

I know that has been said in different ways, but YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD. That makes it more clear to me and understandable. It still hurts, but makes sense.

Part of me understands that. He could care for me deeply, but realized he wasn't putting enough energy towards his search for a primary. I mean, he pretty much said that, and it makes sense that he wants to continue our relationship once he finds a primary.

Part of me wishes either a) he could compartmentalize and still be close to me or b) he would open his heart and mind and have me as a non-traditional primary.

I want a primary too and it's probably in my best interests to search for that relationship.

there are lots of reasons relationships end that have nothing to do with how much you care about someone.

Heard to accept it. Why would you walk away from someone you care about deeply? Wouldn't you try to keep them in your life? But I recognize it's true and I'm learning! As always, thanks for your wisdom!!

Can I ask for insight on one last question? We discussed not being primaries after dating awhile (and I at one point wanted more), and had multiple conversations where I told him I agreed we weren't a good fit for each other in the long run. But, we loved each other and wanted to be in each other's lives as we searched. When we broke up, he brought it up again that I wanted him as primary and he didn't think that was meant for us. I got really upset, feeling like he was calling me a liar about me not being honest about my feelings and expectations. I couldn't understand why he would bring that up again. I hadn't begged him to reconsider, I wasn't jealous, I was dating other people and he knew it. Why would he still think I wanted him as primary? And was using that as a reason to break up? Did he just not trust me? Was he just picking a fight or was he projecting his feelings that HE was considering ME as primary? I am sincerely confused about it because once we had that "defining the relationship" conversation, I never brought it up again.

 

[GalaGirl]

When we broke up, he brought it up again that I wanted him as primary and he didn't think that was meant for us.

I think he guesses that you DO want him for some kind of primary. You say as much here:

Part of me wishes either a) he could compartmentalize and still be close to me or b) he would open his heart and mind and have me as a non-traditional primary.

Whatever it is you call it, you seem to want something tight that requires a lot of time.

Why would you walk away from someone you care about deeply? Wouldn't you try to keep them in your life?

He IS trying to keep you in his life. He wants to date you again as a secondary once he stabilizes a primary if you are still open to that.

You don't like that offer though. You want him to stay with you throughout his primary dating process. And he prefers not to.

Galagirl

 

[polycurious123]

Harsh truth Galagirl!

Call it whatever you want, I want to be close to him and he doesn't want that right now. That hurts and he can't expect me to wait until he feels like being close to me again. You can't just push & pull people in and out of your life whenever you feel the need. That's just selfish.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

He IS trying to keep you in his life. He wants to date you again as a secondary once he stabilizes a primary if you are still open to that...You don't like that offer though. You want him to stay with you throughout his primary dating process. And he prefers not to.

I agree with this. He's also trying to keep you in his life as a friend. You don't have to want that, but your feeling that it isn't enough doesn't negate his efforts.

As for the "primary/not a primary" stuff... It's just a word. A word that has different meanings to different people. The issue is not what word you use but what you need and expect from the relationship, and whether that's something he can give right now.

You say you want to be close to him... And it hurts not to be... I think he may have sensed that and decided to break up now rather than deal with hurting you over and over as he juggles the needs of new partners.

What if he meets a woman who wants a monogamous relationship (or a period of monogamy before trying poly)? What if it's someone who wants strict hierarchy and veto power and a say over when you get to see him? What if that happens, they break up, you guys get close again, then he meets another hierarchy-and-veto needing primary? I see a lot of potential for "push & pull" in trying to stay together, honestly.

Whether you want to be an official primary or not, it seems like what you need from him isn't something he can give while he searches for a life partner

 

[FallenAngelina]

Polycurious, it sounds to me as though there are things he hasn't told you. The reasons he's given sound rather full of holes. But that's the way break ups often go - one person offers the "Reason" and fudges on the details. Believe me, I know how it feels to want to understand the big Why??? But you don't have all of the pieces to the puzzle and trying to make them fit with the pieces you have will make you crazy. At some level, you've got to come to an explanation that leaves you feeling good about yourself, find your peace in that and go forward.

I get that among some poly folk that's seen as weakness or dependence but to me it's just how I'm wired. I enjoy the freedom to have multiple relationships but its not something I NEED. Someone to come home to... That's much more a priority for me.

Really, is this a thing? I've not heard of that before.

 

[polycurious123]

Thanks everyone. I think I'm starting to get it. Finally! He can't/doesn't want to give me what I need. Whether mono or poly, it's a very valid reason to break up. It is what it is. I need to move on.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Really, is this a thing? I've not heard of that before.

FallenAngelina, I actually get a lot of crap from both mono and poly people for admitting that I would not feel fulfilled without a relationship. The typical response is that I'm somehow not happy with myself if I need a partner. Maybe I don't explain it well? I like my work and I enjoy my hobbies but my relationships are the thing that gives me the most satisfaction in my life. And the closer and more entwined the relationship is, the more I get from it. It's not like I keep Andy around because I can't open the pickle jar or something

Poly people - especially those who identify as relationship anarchists - also sometimes see this as extreme couple privilege. Maybe I make no secret about prioritizing my marriage, but it's because that relationship meets very important needs of mine. I just can't wrap my head around saying two relationships are equally important when one of them involves building a shared life and the other is "no strings attached".

A little off topic but it is the reason I completely understand someone who makes finding a primary partner a priority, even at the expense of current relationships.

 

[GalaGirl]

I think I'm starting to get it. Finally! He can't/doesn't want to give me what I need. Whether mono or poly, it's a very valid reason to break up. It is what it is.

Yup.

I want to be close to him and he doesn't want that right now. That hurts and he can't expect me to wait until he feels like being close to me again.

You do not have to wait.

He said in the future, after he's met his nesting/life partner he would be very interested in dating me again.

He said he would be interested.

That doesn't mean YOU have to still be interested at that point in time, when that point in time comes.

It is what it is. I need to move on.

I am glad though that you can better let this go and try to move on.

Galagirl

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I actually think we COULD be great primary partners, but I do recognize he doesn't share my values in some areas and that could be a problem long term. But, since we still loved each other, we wanted to give polyamory a try.

"give polyamory a try" implies that one or the other of you doesn't come by polyamory innately. Your nickname and his actions indicate that it's probably both of you.

My suspicion is that his heart is not capable of holding love for two people simultaneously, and that being in love with you means he doesn't have the capacity to fall in love with someone else. Since you don't meet his needs for a long term partner, that means loving you is standing in the way of pursuing his goals.

As for the other "girlfriends" it sounds like that's just sex. Lots of people, men especially, can separate sex and love. Some people can do it with some people but not others. It's possible that he's capable of having sex with those women without developing feelings, but that with you, those feelings are unavoidable. This brings us back to the impediment of your relationship on his search for a new wife.

There's also the fact that lots of women aren't willing to date polyamorous men, and so if he comes along with an existing partner, right away he's off their list. If you're not in the picture, and he happens to find someone who's open to poly, then there's space for you again, but he's probably willing to sacrifice any kind of relationship with you in the future if it means finding himself a new wife. Again, it's typical for people to be screwing around while they're dating, and customary to drop them all like a ton of bricks when you find "the one." Not very kind, but typical nonetheless.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Are you actually serious when you say that? Do people really put that much stock in who is friended or unfriended on Facebook, of all things? I will never understand the degree to which people allow stuff happening on Facebook to affect their relationships.

My husband put a lot of stock in it when his own daughter unfriended him on facebook. I say he has good reason to be miffed.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I am someone who craves a nesting style partnership. I would really feel something was missing from my life if I didn't have that. I get that among some poly folk that's seen as weakness or dependence but to me it's just how I'm wired.

Not a weakness at all. Everyone needs a sense of security, and people meet that need in lots of different ways. It's perfectly normal, from an evolutionary perspective, to want to have your loved ones close to you at all times. It's also perfectly normal not to want that. Yay for individualism!

Some people are damaged and their inability to be alone is a symptom of that trauma. Others are damaged and their inability to be with someone is a symptom of the same trauma. But most people are not damaged and just have reasonable and healthy preferences.