I apologize in advance for the length of this. I feel the context is relevant to explain how I got here. Also, I have never posted on a blog or visited a discussion board before, so please let me know if I'm doing something wrong.
My wife (Marie) and I are on our second marriages. My marriage of 19 years ended when I found out my ex wife had been cheating, Marie's marriage of 17 years ended when she realized she didn't believe in Mormonism anymore. We met online, dated, and were married a year later. Fairly quickly we realized that we enjoyed sexy evenings out at the strip club, and that Marie was turned on by other women. It would be another 2 years, while we were in Vegas, before she says she would like to possibly try a threesome with a woman at some point. We talked for another few months about how this would work. After a lot of discussion, we decided that we would both prefer to "know" the person before we just jumped in bed. So, I responded to a Craigslist ad for a woman who said she was looking for a couple to date. We started dating her, eventually all had sex, and it was amazing. Not awkward at all, (I always think of the logistics and could never figure out how it would work), but it worked just fine. Everyone was satisfied. We also discovered that it turned my wife on to watch me with another woman. Unfortunately we found out she was lying to us about a ton of stuff, she borrowed a bunch of money, and it became clear she really just wanted me, not Marie. We broke up with her.
A few months before breaking up with the girlfriend, but after it became clear that a long-term triad was not going to work with her, Marie started talking about not wanting to "put limits" on future relationships. It was clear she was talking about maybe dating another man. I freaked out. This seemed like a betrayal. I'm not bi-sexual. I would not be able to be a part of that type of relationship. This isn't what we talked about. This wasn't what I signed up for. After a few days and a lot of tears, she said she didn't think it through and didn't want that after all. I believed her.
We talked more about whether we wanted to try again. On the up side, it was fun at times to have a third around, the sex was amazing, it even spiced up our already healthy sex life. The added communication brought us closer. There was a lot of good things. But we decided that maybe it was safer to meet someone "in the wild". Someone who wasn't advertising on Craigslist, but who one of us met in our daily lives. Marie really wasn't ready to try again yet anyway, we had a lot going on with kids and careers at the time. A few weeks later, I met Samantha.
I met her while at work. It was clear she was into me. I also knew my wife would find her funny and attractive. I asked her to dinner with us. She initially declined, and was frankly freaked out I think. She did not identify as bi-sexual, but eventually admitted she was open to the idea. After a couple weeks of texting, she met us for drinks. We all hit it off. We began dating. But by this point my wife and I had done a lot of additional reading on Polyamory. We had agreed that it wasn't fair to say we could only see each other when we were all together. The relationships had to take their own course. Because of my wife's work schedule, I spent a lot more time with Samantha than her. I fell in love. We found out my wife is capable of compersion, (a term I didn't know at the time that my wife told me that it made her happy to see me in love with someone else). But her and Samantha's relationship stagnated, mostly due to the fact that Samantha has difficulty with emotional and physical displays of affection (she cares, she just doesn't say it or show it like most people). My wife started talking about how unfair it all is. I didn't understand what she was saying. We were both dating the same person, that seemed like the very definition of fair. After a lot of talking, and coming to terms with the fact that her and Samantha might never develop an intimate relationship (Samantha and I were doing sleepovers by this point), I told my wife that I thought I could deal with the idea of her having a separate relationship with another woman, even if I'm not involved. I wanted her to be happy. This seemed like a good compromise. We each get to date a woman. As you might imagine, this wasn't good enough.
At this point, I am stuck in a situation I don't know how to resolve. I am not the same as my wife. The idea of her with another man does not turn me on, it disgusts me, it saddens me, it makes me feel hurt and angry. The idea of her loving another man hurts me deeply. But I understand her point. I am getting 100% of what my sexual comfort level is, I am only allowing her a small fraction of what she would be comfortable with. She has made it clear that she would be fine with a completely open marriage. I am not, that isn't what I signed up for. I love Samantha, and she cares deeply for me. But I do recognize how unfair this is to Marie. Also, Samantha is bothered by the Polyamorous aspect of the relationship, and the idea that Marie would be with other partners, and the risk of disease when I am with them both. She is also not comfortable being intimate with either of us when the other one is around (although her and Marie haven't even tried kissing again in some time). Bottom line, I am polyamorous in only the most limited way, Samantha might not really be at all, and Marie is up for anything. I don't know what to do.
Should I break up with Samantha? It would break her heart and mine, but at least it would be fair to my wife at that point. I am fine with being monogamous. This all started with trying to meet my wife's desires anyway.
Should I tell my wife she can do whatever she wants? Knowing that I wouldn't be able to deal with it, and we will end up divorced?
Do I set my boundaries for what I can deal with from my partner, and it is up to her to decide if she can live with that or not? For example, that she can date other women but not other men?
Do I tell Samantha that staying with me might mean that I occasionally need to engage in threesomes with my wife to meet her needs? Knowing Samantha will probably bail?
Is there some other solution?
Somehow I feel like I am going to end up losing everyone here.
My wife (Marie) and I are on our second marriages. My marriage of 19 years ended when I found out my ex wife had been cheating, Marie's marriage of 17 years ended when she realized she didn't believe in Mormonism anymore. We met online, dated, and were married a year later. Fairly quickly we realized that we enjoyed sexy evenings out at the strip club, and that Marie was turned on by other women. It would be another 2 years, while we were in Vegas, before she says she would like to possibly try a threesome with a woman at some point. We talked for another few months about how this would work. After a lot of discussion, we decided that we would both prefer to "know" the person before we just jumped in bed. So, I responded to a Craigslist ad for a woman who said she was looking for a couple to date. We started dating her, eventually all had sex, and it was amazing. Not awkward at all, (I always think of the logistics and could never figure out how it would work), but it worked just fine. Everyone was satisfied. We also discovered that it turned my wife on to watch me with another woman. Unfortunately we found out she was lying to us about a ton of stuff, she borrowed a bunch of money, and it became clear she really just wanted me, not Marie. We broke up with her.
A few months before breaking up with the girlfriend, but after it became clear that a long-term triad was not going to work with her, Marie started talking about not wanting to "put limits" on future relationships. It was clear she was talking about maybe dating another man. I freaked out. This seemed like a betrayal. I'm not bi-sexual. I would not be able to be a part of that type of relationship. This isn't what we talked about. This wasn't what I signed up for. After a few days and a lot of tears, she said she didn't think it through and didn't want that after all. I believed her.
We talked more about whether we wanted to try again. On the up side, it was fun at times to have a third around, the sex was amazing, it even spiced up our already healthy sex life. The added communication brought us closer. There was a lot of good things. But we decided that maybe it was safer to meet someone "in the wild". Someone who wasn't advertising on Craigslist, but who one of us met in our daily lives. Marie really wasn't ready to try again yet anyway, we had a lot going on with kids and careers at the time. A few weeks later, I met Samantha.
I met her while at work. It was clear she was into me. I also knew my wife would find her funny and attractive. I asked her to dinner with us. She initially declined, and was frankly freaked out I think. She did not identify as bi-sexual, but eventually admitted she was open to the idea. After a couple weeks of texting, she met us for drinks. We all hit it off. We began dating. But by this point my wife and I had done a lot of additional reading on Polyamory. We had agreed that it wasn't fair to say we could only see each other when we were all together. The relationships had to take their own course. Because of my wife's work schedule, I spent a lot more time with Samantha than her. I fell in love. We found out my wife is capable of compersion, (a term I didn't know at the time that my wife told me that it made her happy to see me in love with someone else). But her and Samantha's relationship stagnated, mostly due to the fact that Samantha has difficulty with emotional and physical displays of affection (she cares, she just doesn't say it or show it like most people). My wife started talking about how unfair it all is. I didn't understand what she was saying. We were both dating the same person, that seemed like the very definition of fair. After a lot of talking, and coming to terms with the fact that her and Samantha might never develop an intimate relationship (Samantha and I were doing sleepovers by this point), I told my wife that I thought I could deal with the idea of her having a separate relationship with another woman, even if I'm not involved. I wanted her to be happy. This seemed like a good compromise. We each get to date a woman. As you might imagine, this wasn't good enough.
At this point, I am stuck in a situation I don't know how to resolve. I am not the same as my wife. The idea of her with another man does not turn me on, it disgusts me, it saddens me, it makes me feel hurt and angry. The idea of her loving another man hurts me deeply. But I understand her point. I am getting 100% of what my sexual comfort level is, I am only allowing her a small fraction of what she would be comfortable with. She has made it clear that she would be fine with a completely open marriage. I am not, that isn't what I signed up for. I love Samantha, and she cares deeply for me. But I do recognize how unfair this is to Marie. Also, Samantha is bothered by the Polyamorous aspect of the relationship, and the idea that Marie would be with other partners, and the risk of disease when I am with them both. She is also not comfortable being intimate with either of us when the other one is around (although her and Marie haven't even tried kissing again in some time). Bottom line, I am polyamorous in only the most limited way, Samantha might not really be at all, and Marie is up for anything. I don't know what to do.
Should I break up with Samantha? It would break her heart and mine, but at least it would be fair to my wife at that point. I am fine with being monogamous. This all started with trying to meet my wife's desires anyway.
Should I tell my wife she can do whatever she wants? Knowing that I wouldn't be able to deal with it, and we will end up divorced?
Do I set my boundaries for what I can deal with from my partner, and it is up to her to decide if she can live with that or not? For example, that she can date other women but not other men?
Do I tell Samantha that staying with me might mean that I occasionally need to engage in threesomes with my wife to meet her needs? Knowing Samantha will probably bail?
Is there some other solution?
Somehow I feel like I am going to end up losing everyone here.
