I'm a mono in love with a poly girl, and know not what to do

[monopolylover]

Plain and simple, I’m a monogamist. Not only that, but I’ve been one faithfully all my life. The closest I’ve ever come to an experience of plural relations or cheating, I became so irritated with the thought of hurting either person, that I told my then girlfriend the hour before I had almost snuck away to be with another girl that I had to break up with her, because I was not feeling the relationship the same way she had been and I wanted to be with this other person.

In recent years, I’ve had more casual relationships. I was in what I thought was a relationship with a person who claimed to be “polyamorous,” but she was simply not telling the guy she lived with about all the other men she was fucking, or most of the other men she was fucking about the guy she lived with.

I was also in another relationship where the person claimed to be polyamorous, but it turned out that it was just a way to explore multiple relationships, with a similar stance of keeping one or two thinking they were exclusive.

I’ve also been in one-night stands which instantly turned me off to the concept of casual sex altogether.

Especially in the US, where sex seems to be far too much of a chore in both social and emotional aspects.

In far too many relationships, I’ve been hurt. The institutions of polyamory, monogamy, “open” relationships or “swinging” are obviously of no concern as to why people do what they do in relationships. They are concepts. I have accepted that there are those who may practice them faithfully. Unfortunately, I’ve found that those who practice monogamy faithfully are the only ones being the most honest about it and themselves.

Which brings me to my dilemma: I’m in love with a polyamorous girl, as in, seriously in love with her. As in, I would cut out my heart if it meant giving her a few more breaths of life. I run around like a chicken with my head cut off for Rose, and she gives me no reason to think any of it is a waste, or that she would ever just drop me because another of her “mates” became more to her. We give each other time and space as needed/wanted, and we talk every day.

Polyamory is something I could never do. I don’t feel that way about relationships. I would never want another person in that way when I have a person I want in that way. Just as a polyamorist would see it as offensive and unnatural to be judged for their choice, I too feel it is my nature and my choice and to be ridiculed for it would be just as equally offensive and just plain wrong.

The knowledge that Rose is with another, and the instances of time spent in that way with others is painful to me. I don’t want it to be painful, but I’ve realized it is my natural self, and my state of emotional health, that there is nothing wrong with. I’m not jealous. I’m just hurt by the state of how things are that I can not be all Rose desires and needs. Yes, that sounds like jealousy, but I just don’t see it that way, because I’m not pissed at the other guys, and I don’t want to tear her away from what she wants/needs. I’m just hurt by it. I can’t honestly say that there is part of me wanting it to be different, but I also know that if she changed, there is a chance she could change for the worse.

I don’t want to know about the other guys, either. I don’t hate them, and we might very well be friends if we knew each other, but I don’t want to know specifics like, “This night I’m fucking so and so."

We live far apart, so I don’t have to be that exposed. And I travel a lot for work, so a nesting situation wouldn’t be all that comfortable for another monogamous partner. But I know on nights when it’s obvious Rose is out with someone else, I feel terrible. Why should I? I’m not there. And if I were, it would be even worse.

When I think about just her, and when we are together, there is nothing else in the world. Some things stick out, though. Recently one of her other partners got a girlfriend, and he wasn’t there for her on a night she'd planned for them. She was hurt by that, and stressed about it much the way I’ve stressed about her being with others, though she's said before that in polyamory something like that wouldn’t register that way. But it did. That caused a rift to develop, not between us, but in how I felt about the relationship.

I felt like I’d become a crutch, because Rose wanted more time just with me and was closing herself off from others. I enjoyed the added attention But she is still polyamorous, and I don’t see it as fair at all. With that kind of instability in how she sees things, that could very well mean that the emotional attachments are just as important to her with multiple people, but they have to be part of her own group and see no one else besides her. Or she really isn’t polyamorous at all, and is just using it as a crutch until she can find a person who will put up with it enough and be what she is looking for. In that case, it is just a way to have your cake and eat it too.

Either I am becoming that person, or at any moment a new person will be added to the group, or another current member will become more important. If Rose is truly polyamorous, then doesn’t it stand to reason that there are borders to maintain, as with monogamy?

There is something I’ve maintained as a fact in any relationship type I’ve seen. One of the two is more into things than the other, or one is using the other. Usually it is both.

Polyamory would seem to be the perfect solution, but then I keep running into people who aren’t really polyamorous. They are just using the term to fuck and sample traditional feelings with those in their group who are more giving, and get the dirty play from those who are not.

I’m rambling. Am I stupid? I love Rose more than I can say. I do not want to hurt her, or see her hurt. I could never take from her, or force her to do anything, because it would destroy me just to think about it. All I can do is love her, let her be who she is. But without her in my life, I wouldn’t be the same. I feel like I wouldn’t be myself without her!

Yes, I know I sound crazy. I’m a monogamist who cannot love anyone but this polyamorous person. Outside of this technical hiccup in how she views what happened with this other guy getting a girlfriend, I understand and accept who she is. The pain of her being with others is something I’m willing to deal with for her.

I guess I just need others to talk to, a support network for my support network, because I still get lost in this. If anyone can understand this it would be a big help.

Am I in the wrong relationship? Should I bite the bullet and stick with a monogamous partner because I might hurt more later? Am I just being bullshitted again?

I know my own feelings could be deceiving me here either way. Which sounds more logical?

 

[clairegoad]

Now that you've written it out

let it sit for a while, then come back and read it. When I do that, I see the clues I left myself. How I really felt, but was stuffing. What issues were causing anxiety/fear.

Keep reading the posts around here. There are monos in love with polys. There are many paths to follow.

Enjoy the journey. You will learn about yourself, the poly woman, and the universe.

 

[TruckerPete]

Agreeing with clairegoad

Yes, sit with this and come back to read it later. You are experiencing a true maelstrom of emotions, and I hope that writing it out has helped to relieve some of that.

I feel you're a little defensive. Don't worry! We're not going to bite because you're mono. There are many monos on this forum, and if you give respect, you will receive it.

I will point out the three things that struck me the most while reading your post.

We give each other time and space as needed/wanted, and we talk every day.

That is good.

I’m not jealous. I’m just hurt that I can not be all Rose desires...

This is a very common sentiment. You are not alone. Others might do a better job at explaining it, but let me try. If you were the perfect partner in every way, it would still not be "enough." This has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. Just as you do not desire multiple loves, a single love is equally undesirable to her. Polys are not monos who just haven't found THE ONE. They have, or are searching for ONES.

Recently one of her other partners got a girlfriend, and wasn’t there for her on a night she planned for them. She was hurt by that, and stressed about it much the way I’ve stressed about her being with others, though she's said before that in polyamory something like that wouldn’t register that way.
But it did.

Rose had every right to be upset here, because she planned a night with an SO, and he blew her off. I would be upset if it were a friend, let alone a SO.

I hope you can find clarity here, and the sounding board you so obviously need.

 

[monopolylover]

good points

Yes, sit with this and come back to read it later. You are experiencing a true maelstrom of emotions, and I hope that writing it out has helped to relieve some of that.

Rose had every right to be upset here because she planned a night with a SO, and he blew her off. I would be upset if it was a friend, let alone a SO.

I hope you can find clarity here, and the sounding board you so obviously need.

I misstated about her other SO (as it is termed). She had made plans to be with this person, but he had not made plans. Rose had expected him to be available, and still poly, but he had gone back to monogamy, and was exclusive with another girl. It made an emotional dent where she said one would not exist because of something like that.

It was just something that (like with other poly relationships I've seen) there is a double standard present. A way that the rules simply do not apply. It also meant that that SO had become less by way of communication you would think would have been in place if this whole poly group understanding thing had been in effect. She didn't know he had become exclusive and he had no idea she might have been showing up to expect hooking up. An egg-on-face instance you might think I would have relished, but I felt bad for her. Part of me understood, in a weird way, and I think if she had been able to hook up that night, even though it would have hurt me, I would have felt better about things. Sounds very illogical, I know.

This forum has helped and further confused me immensely. Both good and bad. The thing that sticks out most at this point, as you said, is that with polyamory it is just as natural as me being mono. It boils down to two things for me:
1) If my emotional investment is justified as things are, i.e., if I can really deal with this enough to be exclusive to Rose, because if I am not exclusive, I can't be with her, and I know already that she would be hurt if I chose otherwise (as things are now, at least). I can't be poly either. For me it is unnatural.
2) If I can eventually handle becoming less to her, which is far more of a possibility with poly, because she has that option.

This brings up another problem. Rose has options, whereas I've found the only one I prefer above any other. The possibility of her preferring another to me is always there, which means at some point I will have to sacrifice my "position" and be either less or not at all.

Poly really is no different to mono in terms of the potential emotional damages, only with poly you have the chance to damage more people at the same time. Makes for one hell of an alpha male game as well, because with men it is obviously different. A poly male is always going to be either cock of the walk with whoever he is grouping, a casual emotionally-disconnected feeder who still finds amusement and game in being preferred over others, or a very desperate, conflicted or confused attachment (as I find myself feeling). And there is always a game to how men perceive relationships and sex.

Actually now that I look at it that way, I kinda prefer being a conflicted attachment. I'm not in this relationship for game and I could care less who these other people are.

Woman have the capacity to be more logical in relationships. They don't capitalize sex as men do. They may capitalize very dumb relationships, but they don't game like men do, at least, not as much.

Outside of this relationship, I'm not a very emotionally-invested person either. I feel very deeply, but only for those I love. In real life, I'm nearly intolerable for how disconnected I can be to everyday things, and things that most people see as important, which I do not.

In light of how I prefer my life to be, this relationship makes sense, so much sense. The sad part is that one day I may not be what I was to her. I wouldn't be doing anything differently or changed in any way, I just wouldn't be as I am now in her heart or eyes. She would move on, and I would be back to square one, or worse. I don't want to lose myself in this, and I don't want to lose her. It is that the possibility of losing her is more probable because she is poly.

As things are, I can deal with that. With all relationships, you have to take a beating on some level or it isn't worth anything. For her I'm willing to take a beating, and so far I haven't gotten as bloody as in other relationships, poly or mono.

That is the overall factor It really boils down to. Despite the definitions, or how we want to paint relationships, it's how much of a beating we are willing to take for anything we may not be getting out of it. This is true in any relationship.

I'm actually thinking of moving to the Southern US, of all places, just so I can see this person one or two times more a month. Not a cool Southern state either. This state and the region of this state are like the 9th circle of American hell as far as intolerance, rednecks and just plain ignorant living. But I would gladly spend the rest of my life calling it home if it meant being with this person more often.

 

[redpepper]

I haven't read what others have written yet, so excuse me if I repeat stuff.

First off, I think you are looking at her relationship life from a mono mindset. Understandable, as you are mono, but I think you need to learn what a poly mindset is in order to empathize and at least accept what you don't understand. Reading this forum will help amazingly. I'm sure of that.

Secondly, I think you need to take a deep breath and not involve yourself so much in Rose's relationship life. It's for her to figure out, and not your business, other than to get to know her lovers and embrace them as a part of your life as long as you are with her. She comes with all of them, not just on her own. I see that as your job, not the almighty voice of mono reason. As much as it drives you crazy, and as much as you want to say "What the fuck?" you will drive her away if you don't get on board with what I have just said, as she just won't put up with what she perceives as a downer on her view and what she values, in my opinion.

Thirdly, you will need to learn to trust that this relationship is not the bullshit relationships you have been through with other so-called poly bullshitters. They were wolves dressed up in lamb's clothing and were not poly! Full stop. I did not hear one poly scenario in what you described.

My boyfriend (name is Mono) is mono. I speak from experience. You sound much as he did when we began. I see the dealbreakers I struggled with in what you have said. Be careful not to put your monogamous agenda on her. She is not mono and will not understand. If you love her as much as you say you do, start talking and start learning. There is much work to do, but it can be so worth it. Ask her to learn about being mono too. It's an entirely different language in a lot of ways.

Just ask my bf. Right, Mono?

 

[monopolylover]

I think you are looking at her relationship life from a mono mindset. Understandable, as you are mono, but I think you need to learn what a poly mindset is in order to empathize and at least accept what you don't understand. Reading this forum will help amazingly I'm sure of that.

Secondly, I think you need to take a deep breath and not involve yourself so much in her relationship life. Its for her to figure out and not your business other than to get to know her lovers and embrace them as a part of your life as long as you are with her. She comes with all of them, not just on her own. I see that as your job, not the all mighty voice of mono reason. As much as it drives you crazy and as much as you want to say "what the fuck?!" you will drive her away if you don't get on board with what I have just said as she just won't put up with what she perceives as a downer on her view and what she values, in my opinion.

Thirdly, you will need to learn to trust that this relationship is not the bullshit relationships you have been through with other so-called poly bullshitters. They were wolves dressed up in lamb's clothing and were not poly. Full stop. I did not hear one poly scenario in what you described.

My boyfriend is mono. I speak from experience. You sound much as he did when we began. I see the dealbreakers I struggled with in what you have said. Be careful not to put your mono agenda on her. She is not mono and will not understand. If you love her as much as you say you do, start talking and start learning. There is much work to do, but it can be so worth it. Ask her to learn too about being mono. Its an entirely different language in a lot of ways.

That just opens up another confusing can of whup-ass, because both Rose and I are not interested in introducing her others to me. If THAT is what makes polyamory polyamory, then this isn't polyamory, because she does not want to openly introduce her lovers to me or each other, and I imagine if she did as things are, there would be conflicts erupting between them/us.

 

[redpepper]

Wow, you have some poly learning to do, my friend, just having read your last post! You won't lose her unless you make it so. Poly is not "with" or "not with," as it is in mono relationships. Its adjustable and maneuverable. Rose has equal chance of being hurt, because when you leave, it will be for good!

Chances are this is how she sees her SO, who, by the way, had every right to try being mono. What the hell, if he can manage it, why not? It's certainly easier. I have known poly folks that drop off when they fall for someone who asks them to be mono. Look at the thread about venting right now. My friend dated a mono woman. She asked him to be mono with her. He ended up cheating, as he just couldn't do it. Relationships don't just stand still right where they began. They change. I suspect that buddy is nowhere near the end of his journey, just as you aren't, so why judge him for that?

To add to that, I have a tertiary boyfriend that is dating a mono woman right now because he wants to give it a try. We have an agreement that "we" are not done. He still flirts with me, touches me in a special way, kisses me, because he misses us. He is on his own path. I wait, respect and love him, regardless. I am his closest friend and confidante apart from his girlfriend. I'm good with this journey and support him wherever I can, and in addition to her. To me, we never ended, other than his priority changed and we don't have sex right now. Other than that, I am not going anywhere. If I were mono, I'd be long gone.

 

[monopolylover]

I don't see how I'm trying to fit Rose in a mold or to a mono standard. I know she has been with others while we have been together and I've never protested or manipulated to get her out of being who she is.

You just said that with poly the group has to be knowledgeable about everyone else. Is that a rule, or not? This mono has always been objective to rules of such hardcore mandate. If she is poly, and if that means little more than being in plural sexual relationships with the understanding of all involved, then so be it. If I have to sit down to tea with all these other SOs, know their names and go to BBQs together, then so be it, but is that really part of this "rule" as well, or can a person be poly without the introductions?

A running theme in the poly/open relationships I've been in is that I'm doing something to ruin things, when there is no evidence of the sort. I openly accept the other person for how they want to live, but at the same time, I let them know that I "deal" with them being with others. I don't see that I have to feel great about it, if I don't feel great about it. But I also see it as what it is. It is not intended to hurt anyone and it does not mean I'm any less to her than I am. It happens, like the rain or the sun.

I understand that with poly, as with mono, the relationship always changes. But with poly, you are always tuning down one channel over another.
You can't keep them full blast at all times. There is always a process of tuning people out. And if you're tuning in and out multiple channels, there is a fairer chance one will simply roll off the dial, than if you stick to one station for the reason of there being so much less crap on it than the others.

How does this make me the bad guy when it doesn't work out with a poly?

I accept how things are. I let the person know how I feel. I give space and time where it is needed. I don't manipulate or mandate. The only commonality I see is that I'm the one not being plural, and somehow this makes me no longer interesting enough to take seriously. Which opens up that age-old and far too obvious facet of the frail human need to be involved in manipulative relationships, whether poly or mono. Both have some social rule sets that are complete bullshit, as far as I've seen.

Poly seems to get just as overly-complicated as mono, for no reason, and I am who I am.

Back again to the question if I am willing to take what is going on and any double standards that present themselves.

Again, so far, I've not felt any worse than any poly or mono relationships I've been in before. I feel happier with Rose.

If things change for her, if I'm tuned down, would I be able to remain one of her SOs?

Am I setting myself up to be hurt again?

These are the questions.

 

[redpepper]

That just opens up another confusing can of whup-ass, because both she and I are not interested in introducing the group to each other. If that is what makes polyamory, polyamory, then this isn't polyamory, because she does not want to openly introduce her lovers to each other, and I imagine if she did as things are, there would be conflicts erupting between them/us.

Well, I have only experienced more caring, love, respect and support through my lovers knowing one another. I find it sad that she and you are so determined to keep everyone separate. Maybe her idea of poly is more along the lines of dating? It might be good to check her intentions and goals with her dating style. Perhaps she is not interested in anything long term. I have not known any successful long-term poly relationships where everyone didn't know each other, support one another and care about each other's lives. It's fine if this is not her way. I'm just saying what has worked for me.

I am not the queen of poly. I have a lot to learn. I have learned a lot. I would suggest that you also look at Rose the same way and this forum the same way. You seem to be very frustrated in your confusion and are looking for direct solid rules and answers to your questions. There are none. Unlike monogamy, poly relationships are based on what is right for the individuals in them. In monogamy the rules are laid out and one choses what works or doesn't from them. There are some guidelines and shared experiences that can be used as something to fall back on, but that is it. The rest is up to you and Rose.

Where do you get that you are a bad person?

 

[monopolylover]

I'm not opposed to the idea of knowing these other people she "dates." But she doesn't want us to know each other, and I've simply not explored knowing them out of my own preference. Since she doesn't want us to know each other, I'm perfectly OK with that and would prefer it. But you say it works better for poly for everyone to know and understand each other.

I've suspected more and more than this is just another "open relationship," because even those I've been in before who said they were poly ended up just wanting to have their cake and eat it to. Putting on the label of polyamory, as it is a more mature way of plural relationships, but then not really living up to any of it, as far as the understanding among all involved. If this is just another open relationship, then once again I'm in the position of "flavor of the week," and no matter how great things may seem, there is a good change another flavor will come along and I'm once again a feather duster who can be pulled out of the closet when and if the next guy doesn't work out.

I see the difference between that and polyamory, but I've yet to see it in honest practice in those who claim polyamory.

I've seen great failures in those who claim to be mono. I'm a pilgrim without a country. ,It has helped being on this forum though. I think my only problem is I don't care to play games, while far too many people do when they are in relationships, no matter what kind of relationships those are.
Too many people want their cake and to eat it too. The more I explore a relationship, the more I find the biggest problems are always with filtering out all the bullshit and games.

 

[redpepper]

The thing in polyamory, about having your cake and eating it too, is that, once you've eaten, you continue to do a shitload of really hard work on yourself, and in relating to others. Isn't that the same in any aspect of life? Nothing comes without a shitload of work. Nothing that really feels worth it, anyway.

I don't believe that can happen if you don't know your metamours (your partner's others partners). But that's just me.

You are right, this would be an open relationship style, to me, one in which you do whatever, things only last a short time, no deep connection is made, no deep investments are made in your partners. Most of the time this ends after NRE (new relationship energy) is over and the person is kinda meh.

There is nothing wrong with that, at all It's a matter of knowing the difference, and knowing where you fit and what you want. Quite often people identify with the term polyamory, and think they are creating a polyamorous tribe, network, love group, whatever. But they aren't. So be it. That is their journey, and who am I to say? Unfortunately, the wake they leave behind them leaves a bad taste in some people's mouths about polyamory.

It's great you don't want to play games and don't want drama. That is a good place to be when starting out in the relationship you have chosen to be in with Rose. The trick is to not become emotional about her drama and not take it on. Also, its important to maintain what you have with really radically honest, respectful, thoughtful communication. Ask questions, keep on top of your emotions and who you are, be firm with your boundaries and have compassion. Rose is not going to be the image of perfection, so don't expect it. She is stumbling along, just as you are, just as we all are. The thing is that you can stumble together and find a spot where it WILL work, just as long as you keep your love for her at the forefront, not your frustration and confusion.

 

[marksbabygirl]

What I can see, from trying to read your threads, is that you want a label, rules and to know how things work. I get it. I understand the need to label and compartmentalize. I'm very much like that myself.

The problem is, there is no *one* way that poly looks. There's no *one* way to define what a poly relationship *looks* like.

We know what monogamy looks like.

Boy meets girl
Boy and girl fall in love
Boy and girl get married
Boy and girl have babies
Boy and girl buy house
Boy and girl live happily ever after.

My understanding is that poly can look like this:

Boy meets girl
Boy and girl fall in love
Boy 2 meets girl
Boy 2 and girl fall in love
Girl loves boy 1 and boy 2
Boy 1 and boy 2 may or may not be friends
Boy 1 and girl and boy 2 live happily ever after

Or it can look like this:

Boy and girl meet
Boy and girl fall in love
Boy and girl meet girl 2
Boy and girl 1 fall in love with girl 2 and vice versa
Boy and both girls live happily ever after

Or it can look like this:

Boy and girl meet
Boy and girl fall in love
Boy and girl get married & have babies
Girl meets boy 2
Boy 2 is married with or without babies

Boy 2 and girl 2 meet boy 1 and girl 1
Boy 2 and girl fall in love
Girl 2 and girl 1 fall in love
Boy 1 and girl 2 fall in love
Everyone realizes that the initial couplings are the primary and the other loves are secondary and everyone lives and loves happily ever after.

Or it can look like any other configuration.

It's when you try to put it in a box and say, "THIS IS POLY! THIS IS WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE!" that things start falling apart.

Poly=many
amory=love

polyamory = many loves

It's not poly fuckery. That's more aptly described as an open relationship, or swinging, depending on how you do it.

Just because she has other partners does not mean that FOR HER she does not hold your relationship in less regard than she used to or that your relationship will be relegated to a secondary one.

I was monogamous for five years. Played the swinging game for three. Now exploring polyamory. Anyone I'm involved in will realize that for me, my husband comes first. I will not jeopardize my relationship with him for anything or anyone. My ideal will be someone who already has a primary and is looking for a secondary, because they will *get* it.

For others, they are looking for co-husbands/co-wives. Equal love, equal share, equal (I mean that in the broadest sense) everything.

I think - if you can understand and get 'ok' with her loving others - and knowing that it doesn't diminish her love for you, then you'll probably happily be monogamous with her while she is poly with others.

BTW, I have 4 kids. I love them all differently, but I don't love any one more than another. Equal but different.

Jane

 

[redpepper]

Hey! Did you say that you think poly men either are the "cock with the walk?" or ... something else? What do you mean by that?

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Devil's advocate

Hopefully I won't be ruffling too many feathers with this response, but I am wondering a few things about your hopes in this relationship. What is your long-term goal of a relationship in general? If you have any belief that you will be able to have anything resembling a traditional monogamist dynamic, than surrender now, my friend. It's not in the cards with a poly woman. Are you prepared for her opening her heart and her bed to other men for as long as you commit to this relationship? Do you think living closer and holding the front door open with a kiss good-bye before she goes to sleep with another guy will be easier than living farther away where things are more removed?

I'm sorry to be blunt, but why not look for some one who is monogamous? I've done all the traditional monogamous things most people expect and want to experience as monos. That is why I can be healthy in a mono/poly relationship. I'm not saying you can't be, but I hold little hope for a mono to commit to a poly in a healthy way without having extensive monogamous experience first.

Maybe you have, and I am way off track. Maybe you don't want the traditional family in your future, the pride of introducing your fiancée to your parents and friends without hiding the fact that she sleeps with other men while you only give yourself to her. I needed those things and those needs were met in the past. They are not a reality of my future, but I am very proud that I can not only introduce my Love to my parents, but that I have also introduced her husband to them and told them of her girlfriend.

I'm sorry to be a downer, but I know what it is to be mono, so I get many of your thoughts. The only thing I don't get is why you seem to be trying to convince yourself that this is a healthy thing for you in the long run. If Redpepper and I were to end the intimate part of our relationship, my journey into polyamory would be over. Perhaps you are stronger than I am. Perhaps your love is all that matters.

There is no question in my mind that you love her immensely, but I wonder how much you love yourself.

 

[monopolylover]

Thanks, guys

To answer questions:

I do think poly men take more advantage of the situation in a way that is entirely not poly in the way it is being defined by those who are poly. This makes it harder for me, that I'm competing with other men or they me. And despite the best poly intentions in this relationship, there is competition going on.

I do love myself, and though I have in the past hated myself during very bad times in my life, I overcame and outgrew the childishness.

Recently I had a talk with my SO about the things brought up here, and this is how the relationship has been "defined" thus far. Things are better.
I'm never convinced that any relationship is logical or perfect with humans, but I'm happy. I know we love each other. It was good to know more about what she does outside of our relationship. Well... good and bad. But for the most part, good.

 

[jkelly]

I do think poly men take more advantage of the situation in a way that is entirely not poly, as it is being defined by those who are poly.

Er... what?

 

[TruckerPete]

Er... what?

Seconded.

Also, question: Do the other men she is dating identify as mono, or act mono, such as the one who dropped your SO when he found a gf?

 

[monopolylover]

As far as I know of the 'group,' the guy who went back to mono was a very casual hook-up who never really invested much outside of just being a hook-up. Another is more of a player who is more of the same, as far as actual interest in her as a person. Another is more just a friend who wants far too much for her to get into a physical relationship, but a lot of attention would fall entirely to that person if they were more open to who she is.

I have a pretty harsh stance on poly men, because 99.9% of them have all been the same. I'm not saying that all poly men aren't like, "HA HA, I got that ass tonight, sucker, and can have it any second whilst you are away!" but, well... if there are, they are being drowned out by all the noise from the opportunist assholes.

These things are more annoying than the simple fact that who I am with is poly. It is that kind of thing that makes it overly "human" and just as annoying as a far too controlling or clingy mono relationship, because it is the same exact bullshit, only to a different tune.

I'm told, "Oh, he isn't as important to me as you are," or, "He doesn't think of me the same way you do," but suddenly. as I'm face to face with the person, the reality of how they see things is obviously different from what my SO thought or was telling me. These themes recur so much in open and poly relationships that my doubts to the veracity of poly remain highly in question. Human beings are frail emotional things, and the opportunity to make your own rules in something you can over-complicate or reinvent is far too easy. And with humans, what is easy is always what is most corruptible.

Someone said earlier, and I agree, if a relationship is worth something, it takes hard work and sacrifice. So far I feel that my costs are justified with this person. Her other SOs might be assholes or command more attention/emotion later, but as things are, there is no static and I'm happy with her.

We have also grown somewhat together in this relationship. It's that 'rug being pulled out' feeling from a past of really bad relationships (mono and poly) and what I will feel If I become less to her among the SOs.

It has gotten to a point where those fears/annoyances are fading out.

Of course, whenever I know that she is away with another, there is an itch I can't scratch. So far, that is a cost I can handle, but I can't say for sure if I can always handle it.

Should I be able to say for sure? Because I don't know if 'yes' will ever or should ever be the right answer.

Is there something wrong with me?

 

[TruckerPete]

as far as I know of the 'group' the guy who went back to mono, was a very casual hook up who never really invested much outside of just being a hook up. Another is more of a player who is more of the same as far as actual interest in her as a person. Another is more of just a friend who wants far to much for her to get into a physical relationship but a LOT of attention would fall entirely to that person if they were more open to who she is.

This really sounds a lot more like open, than poly. And not very healthy, to boot.

I have a pretty harsh stance on poly men because 99.9% of them have all been the same. I'm not saying that all poly men aren't like, "HA HA, I got that ass tonight, sucker, and can have it any second whilst you are away!" but, well... if there are, they are being drowned out by all the noise from the opportunist assholes.

My fiancé and I are new to practicing poly. He has been jealous and insecure, but is working through it. I asked him if he thinks this way in his head about Mr. A, my new SO, and it was a resounding no. This is good, because I would've been horrified. So, if someone who is new to this idea and has been hurt in the past by cheaters can have a healthy outlook ... I have a very hard time believing you've met many poly men. Are you calling them poly simply because they are with other women as well as your GF? If they are actually identifying as poly, I hope someone directs them to this forum so they can perhaps be "enlightened." Also, are you sure they think this, or are you projecting your own (understandable) insecurities on them?

I'm told, "Oh, he isn't as important to me as you are," or, "He doesn't think of me the same way you do.'" But suddenly, as I'm face to face with the person, the reality of how they see things is obviously different from what my SO thought or was telling me.

Two things about this. First, I can't imagine ever making a direct comparison to my fiancé like that. Perhaps I've misread it, but to me, it sounds like she is knocking the other guys down to make you feel better. That is so very, very wrong. I hope I have misinterpreted this. Second, if everyone you meet seems to believe they're the "top dog", then maybe you should ask your GF if she is feeding the same line to all her men? It's no wonder she would want to keep you all apart, if this is the case!

It is really great that you've come here to try and understand things, but I have a sinking feeling that you're caught up with a girl-player.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Is there something wrong with me?

There's nothing wrong with you. You do have a bank of negativity towards poly in general that is clear in your self expression, which is not a slag, just an observation. I have some too, but not to this degree. I also have some negativity towards monogamists as well, so it's not relationship-style specific.

I think, for what you want out of a relationship, as long as you stop thinking so much you will be fine. You don't see her very often, but you both enjoy each other. You have a DADT policy of sorts, with regards to the other guys, so I recommend you expand on it. I wouldn't say this if I thought you were heading towards dreams of a white picket fence and co-habitation, but in this case it doesn't look like you want that. You do not sound ready to be the tree for her to lean on for support with her other relationships, and there is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps she needs to be told this and than she can decide if it works for her. The details of her other relationships seem to be tearing you apart, so cut them out of your relationship. She doesn't expect you to fulfill all of her needs (that's a part of being poly for many people), so let her find someone to fill that need who is ready for the job of support.

And don't close yourself off to other connections. She is the one person you love, you're monogamous, I get that. But for me monogamy does not include the idea of lifelong bonding, necessarily. It's not a rule. It merely means I love one person at a time intimately. If I lose that connection I may or may not form another one. You may encounter (not find, because that implies searching) someone who is better suited for you for the long haul. Just don't close your heart totally, is what I am trying to say.

Take care,
Mono