TruckerPete
New member
What he said.
Ah, Mono. You're so much more helpful than me.
Ah, Mono. You're so much more helpful than me.
I'm a mono in love with a poly girl, and know not what to do
- Thread starter monopolylover
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redpepper
Active member
I like what you have to say, Mono. I think our friend here does want to move near her, though. What of that? There seems to be a desire for more, but a threat to investing in more.
It sounds like she has a whole lot of men just like you going on. Interesting. I have not been interested at all in men like this and don't understand how they would be interesting. I have found poly men to be giving, generous of the space and freedom I require and very understanding of my need for much love in my life, because they want that too. The whole idea that there is some sort of competition is frankly just bizarre to me and makes no sense to the 14 years of poly I have experienced.
Mono tells me that he has felt like that, but I have offered no indication that there is a competition to be my number-one man, as I am not looking for a number-one man, a number-one fuck, a number-one anything. The people I date are all different, and fill me with joy in and of themselves. I'm sorry, the idea that I am some queen bee and they are my workers vying for being top dog makes me laugh on one hand and rather ill on the other, because I so don't want any of them to think that. I would disappear if it were like that and date none of them. Absolutely not interested... blah.
Again! Blah.
Who the hell have you been hanging out with, and what on earth has happened to you and your relationship life that you have experienced this?! That is just wrong on so many levels, to me. I'm sorry, but I can only imagine that these men have low self esteem, no self worth, don't think they are worthy of love, respect, caring, compassion and a real relationship with a real person that has all these attributes. I feel sorry for them. They obviously really know nothing of what depth of relationship can bring. What it is really like to be happy for one's partner that they are having such a good time with another and that they can benefit by feeling good that they gave of themselves (compersion).
Yeah, she's feeding you a line there. She is saying that to all of them too, btw. Wow, she doesn't seem to know much about poly. I think she should be saying she has an open-relationship style of dating. That would clear things up nicely, in my mind. Ties in nicely with the DADT policy she likes to uphold. I couldn't imagine telling any of my partners that I think of them more highly than the others! So unfair and untrue! I love them all for exactly who they are, fuck-ups and all! No wonder you have this competitive thing going on!
Got that right! Poly is not easy, though. I worked with Mono for a year before we felt like we had all our needs met. No one was compromising and we were all happy in our position within our tribe. Then Derby came along for me, and rolypoly for PN, and we adjusted again, and continue to adjust, to make sure everyone is getting their needs met. If we are doing it, and are happy, and others are, how can your belief in poly be true? I think what you have experienced is either very poor poly, or not poly at all.
No, there is nothing wrong with you. You seem to be doing okay in this, besides thinking that you have to compete.
If you are all good, then what are you looking for here? Not that I want you to go. I just wonder.
In a nutshell, considering you have been hurt before, I think in your case, if I were you, I would do as Mono says. In the meantime, I think I would be working hard at gaining confidence, self esteem and self worth and getting some old issues worked out. If you work on the old issues, you might find the latter falls into place.
I certainly would not be investing in Rose, if it were me, as she doesn't seem to have all her ducks in a row, either. She has her own work to do, it seems. I am wondering what she is hoping to accomplish, if anything, how her seemingly casual relationships are working for her, and what it is she wants in a future with you. Who knows? Maybe if you get all that sorted out it will end up just you two. in the meantime, I think you could look at yourself, and stop blaming poly for what has gone wrong in your relationships, because it certainly seems you do.
It sounds like she has a whole lot of men just like you going on. Interesting. I have not been interested at all in men like this and don't understand how they would be interesting. I have found poly men to be giving, generous of the space and freedom I require and very understanding of my need for much love in my life, because they want that too. The whole idea that there is some sort of competition is frankly just bizarre to me and makes no sense to the 14 years of poly I have experienced.
Mono tells me that he has felt like that, but I have offered no indication that there is a competition to be my number-one man, as I am not looking for a number-one man, a number-one fuck, a number-one anything. The people I date are all different, and fill me with joy in and of themselves. I'm sorry, the idea that I am some queen bee and they are my workers vying for being top dog makes me laugh on one hand and rather ill on the other, because I so don't want any of them to think that. I would disappear if it were like that and date none of them. Absolutely not interested... blah.
Again! Blah.
Who the hell have you been hanging out with, and what on earth has happened to you and your relationship life that you have experienced this?! That is just wrong on so many levels, to me. I'm sorry, but I can only imagine that these men have low self esteem, no self worth, don't think they are worthy of love, respect, caring, compassion and a real relationship with a real person that has all these attributes. I feel sorry for them. They obviously really know nothing of what depth of relationship can bring. What it is really like to be happy for one's partner that they are having such a good time with another and that they can benefit by feeling good that they gave of themselves (compersion).Yeah, she's feeding you a line there. She is saying that to all of them too, btw. Wow, she doesn't seem to know much about poly. I think she should be saying she has an open-relationship style of dating. That would clear things up nicely, in my mind. Ties in nicely with the DADT policy she likes to uphold. I couldn't imagine telling any of my partners that I think of them more highly than the others! So unfair and untrue! I love them all for exactly who they are, fuck-ups and all! No wonder you have this competitive thing going on!
Got that right! Poly is not easy, though. I worked with Mono for a year before we felt like we had all our needs met. No one was compromising and we were all happy in our position within our tribe. Then Derby came along for me, and rolypoly for PN, and we adjusted again, and continue to adjust, to make sure everyone is getting their needs met. If we are doing it, and are happy, and others are, how can your belief in poly be true? I think what you have experienced is either very poor poly, or not poly at all.
No, there is nothing wrong with you. You seem to be doing okay in this, besides thinking that you have to compete.
If you are all good, then what are you looking for here? Not that I want you to go. I just wonder.
In a nutshell, considering you have been hurt before, I think in your case, if I were you, I would do as Mono says. In the meantime, I think I would be working hard at gaining confidence, self esteem and self worth and getting some old issues worked out. If you work on the old issues, you might find the latter falls into place.
I certainly would not be investing in Rose, if it were me, as she doesn't seem to have all her ducks in a row, either. She has her own work to do, it seems. I am wondering what she is hoping to accomplish, if anything, how her seemingly casual relationships are working for her, and what it is she wants in a future with you. Who knows? Maybe if you get all that sorted out it will end up just you two. in the meantime, I think you could look at yourself, and stop blaming poly for what has gone wrong in your relationships, because it certainly seems you do.
redsirenn
New member
Not to be overly pedantic, but I doubt that I've met 1000 poly men in my life, and I've been in various poly communities for many years now.
I'm kind of wondering if you've met any at all, given the description above. My partners are people who are, well, my partners. I am actually, you know, romantically involved with them; we go out on dates, do laundry together, make soup when someone's sick, go to family events, etc. The idea of my thinking of them as "that ass" is so outlandish. Hmm... Let me put it this way: I am reasonably sure that nobody I have ever dated would have dated me if I was the type of person who would think that. That also goes for the other people that they would date!
Furthermore, I've also never had a metamour (lover of my lover) who I thought of as a "sucker." Why would I date someone who had such awful taste in partners? That'd be terrible.
I don't really know what's going on in your world, or in your head, but I do find myself wishing that you wouldn't describe it as polyamory, 'cause it sounds like some sort of weird misogynistic pissing contest instead of multiple honest romantic relationships.
monopolylover
New member
That is still an on-the-fence issue for me. I would like to see her more often, and she has expressed a want for that, as well. My work takes me everywhere, so where I live is hardly a solid need in the geosocial sense. But after considering some logical points you have made, I have to keep a clear head and see if this is really a poly, I'm with or a player/opportunist.
I have to make a correction. I have not met face to face with any of her other SOs. The instances I was speaking of were from every previous open or "poly" I've been with. Which is why the theory of non-asshole poly men is more of a hypothesis with me at this point.
Another very important point:
I'm in the States, and America in general is one bassackwards place, as far as social maturity. I've spent a lot of time in Canada for work, and even tried to immigrate there. The levels of social and relationship maturity in Canada and Europe are profound compared to the US. Even among very rural or poorer areas in Canada, people keep their shit together a lot better. I can believe that there are polys there who may in fact be male and not assholes. I just never stayed there long enough to find out.
Without getting to into it, the place where my SO lives is one of the top three backward social-scapes that the USA has to offer. Alternative sexual lifestyles are not welcome or tolerated, and the average male in this area is the worst example of poorly educated and egomaniacal alpha male that America has to offer.
I have to ask, because it is far too obvious. Among all your SOs, can you honestly tell me that none stand out so much that if you were given the decision to take just one on a trip you were never coming back from, you would not be basing your decision on some random choice but rather your preference of who you would want?
Have you been to the US? It is insanity here. American Democracy is great, but it makes for one hell of an alpha male game in what is touted as alternative culture or sub-culture. Dating in this country is a nightmare.
I remember I took a girl to dinner once in Montreal. Not one time in the entire conversation did something randomly moronic, mediocre or just plain poorly-mannered come out of her mouth. I felt under-dressed. She ended up not being a good match, but just for a sane date to go on with another person, it was wonderful.
This girl I am with now had never been on a real date before she met me (we are not that young, either), as in, going to dinner, conversation, walking, getting to know each other, etc. This is a beautiful person and we sync very well.
Being treated like shit was also a common theme when she was mono, though she had very few mono partners, and one long term that was just some redneck nightmare.
I can't blame her for being poly now.
I don't have enough reference as yet to know for sure if she tells her other SOs the same thing, and I'm not ready to jump on it that she is just a player in poly's clothing. But if doing so is breaking with the "policy of poly," then again, there is a case. But who makes these rules? It almost seems that whoever is writing the book on poly is just as insane as the arse who wrote the book on mono.
Again, I hear you. And there are plenty of disturbing signs. But there are also a lot of really encouraging signs. Unfortunately, most of them have to deal with being held in higher regard than her other SOs, which, as you state, is not keeping with poly.
But if that is true, then what about the married polys on here who have just one spouse? That is a damn large size of higher regard over their other SOs, to be married to one, cohabitate with that person exclusively, and keep relationships outside that don't get to have the same experience. I understand that those others have found a comfort zone, but for the central married person in all this, what makes that husband or wife who may or may not be mono or poly, the person they married?
I'm not really feeling like I have to compete. It's that for how things always have worked out, I get forced into it, or edged out for not playing some game.
Again, America, land of the free, home of the bullshit artists.
What hurts me is being less to Rose, if another SO becomes a higher priority, and that damn itch when I know she is with another, or when text messaging and calls with other SOs break into our time. You can't be in two places at once, and priorities can only be split so far.
True, Rose has some serious "having her shit together" problems. She can't handle her finances very well, she's a very poor judge of character in some people, and has a bad habit of making excuses when simple honesty would have been much better.
Of course, I have the exact same problems, in some cases; and I complement her faults in others-- other reasons we have been in sync so well.
monopolylover
New member
For some reason (and this is that silly "love" thing us "beings" tend to know very little about), I am compelled to care for her more than lust after her, or want her always to be mine. We take care of each other, and the way we have done so has been miraculous.
I've deluded myself in relationships before-- being where I think things are perfect, but later the curtain is pulled away.
We have gotten into the industry of buying and selling experiences to each other in doses, where "I'll love you forever" is just a splash of color on a canvas of delusional BS that we feed each other, up to the point things get too hard, and we drop everything, smash to bits all we can to forget it, and move on.
It's a drug.
I had a fiance' once. We were together for nearly three years as BF/GF, and then another as this cute couple about to be married. We were having dinner parties, modifying our friends and environment to get ready for kids, and a home, and being true adults in a sane and productive cherry-pie society. Then one day, she had a friend of mine over, planning to intentionally sleep with him in our bed when I was expected home, just because she couldn't bear to tell me in any other way that she had been cheating nearly the entire time I knew her.
How kind. With the wedding a month away, it was a peach of a situation.
I was told that it wasn't me, it was her, she felt lost, she had been cheating for so long that she just couldn't stop, and didn't know any other way. It was the club life, and her job, and the drugs doing it to her. Blah blah blah.
We never really loved each other. We were both taking a drug, and it was a hardcore addiction that went on for way too long. She could have gotten us into cold turkey a bit easier. But at this point, I'm not counting eggs over it.
That, and other "open" or "poly" relationships that fell into similar delusional and destructive aspects, did a lot of damage. In some relationships, I got hurt again, and in others I got into it because I knew I would get hurt, just so I could have something to blame.
Considering all of this, I still feel on some level I'm a bad person. But I know that isn't true. It's that kind of thing that causes itching and doubt.
I really want it to go away. I was celibate for six years before I met Rose. Just because I couldn't take it anymore.
I know this is a lot. I've been rambling. But I did want to thank you all for your help, because it has helped. I hope I haven't put any of you off, as I may still need your help.
*sorry, had to shorten things to keep under the 1000c limit*
I've deluded myself in relationships before-- being where I think things are perfect, but later the curtain is pulled away.
We have gotten into the industry of buying and selling experiences to each other in doses, where "I'll love you forever" is just a splash of color on a canvas of delusional BS that we feed each other, up to the point things get too hard, and we drop everything, smash to bits all we can to forget it, and move on.
It's a drug.
I had a fiance' once. We were together for nearly three years as BF/GF, and then another as this cute couple about to be married. We were having dinner parties, modifying our friends and environment to get ready for kids, and a home, and being true adults in a sane and productive cherry-pie society. Then one day, she had a friend of mine over, planning to intentionally sleep with him in our bed when I was expected home, just because she couldn't bear to tell me in any other way that she had been cheating nearly the entire time I knew her.
How kind. With the wedding a month away, it was a peach of a situation.
I was told that it wasn't me, it was her, she felt lost, she had been cheating for so long that she just couldn't stop, and didn't know any other way. It was the club life, and her job, and the drugs doing it to her. Blah blah blah.
We never really loved each other. We were both taking a drug, and it was a hardcore addiction that went on for way too long. She could have gotten us into cold turkey a bit easier. But at this point, I'm not counting eggs over it.
That, and other "open" or "poly" relationships that fell into similar delusional and destructive aspects, did a lot of damage. In some relationships, I got hurt again, and in others I got into it because I knew I would get hurt, just so I could have something to blame.
Considering all of this, I still feel on some level I'm a bad person. But I know that isn't true. It's that kind of thing that causes itching and doubt.
I really want it to go away. I was celibate for six years before I met Rose. Just because I couldn't take it anymore.
I know this is a lot. I've been rambling. But I did want to thank you all for your help, because it has helped. I hope I haven't put any of you off, as I may still need your help.
*sorry, had to shorten things to keep under the 1000c limit*
monopolylover
New member
Okay, for the sake of things being too outside the accepted range of polyamory, I won't refer to this relationship as such. If anything, it sounds like my partner could stand to be a more honest polyamorist.
monopolylover
New member
I like this post a lot. I have already supported her very much when she lost one of her SOs who went back to mono and was no longer there for her. I'm always there for her, no matter what. She was very stressed out over it, and it made me feel bad, so I was there. The "rules" over other SOs, I feel we do still need to muck about in. It needs to be done. I kinda wish she would be more up to going over such things.
The connection I've formed with her is strong. I just do not like "hooking up" or shifting relationships. Far too much work. I prefer my attentions in these aspects to be on one person. I like where things go with us. Developing something else is just not my bag.
monopolylover
New member
To be honest, I do have a good dose of negativity about open relationships and polyamory. The concepts do not seem any better than the traditional corruptibility of monogamy, and I've seen no evidence to prove otherwise. My samplings of it have been from places in the States like NY, Chicago, Madison, California, and other parts of the Midwest and South, not the greatest pools of social integrity, such as what I've seen in Canada.
You're absolutely right. People shitty at relationships are shitty at relationships. Period. Mono, poly, or anything.
redpepper
Active member
If I had to decide who I was taking on a trip that never ended, I would take my son. End of story. I love my husband, I love my partners, but I will always love him the most. He is what I live for.
Dating in Canada is just the same, in many ways, a long arduous journey of finding who fits my life. I dated about 50 men before finding Mono, and I will not give him up easily. He is a gem. I had my share of dud dates. I think there is no difference in Western society. The pool got bigger because of online dating, and that choice factor has made it harder. I have a whole philosophy about the culture we live in, and what "choice" has done to us. Another forum, perhaps.
You know, you can ask Rose not to text and take phone calls while you are together. You can ask for whatever you want to make you feel comfortable. That's what it's all about-- finding comfort. She doesn't have to give you everything you ask for, as she has her own comforts, but that is where negotiation starts.
Rose is probably saying whatever she says to you, to them, too. We all default to what works, and if that is working for her, then she will use it. That being said, you could very well be her favorite, and that is okay too. I had favorites back when I was dating as she is now, looking for people who suit, looking for a good "group," as you put it.
As to married polys, some people start in marriage. Same journey, yet different.
Keep reading and talking. You seem to be on a path to discovery, seeing and learning some stuff on the way. Who could ask for more, really? That's what life is about.
Dating in Canada is just the same, in many ways, a long arduous journey of finding who fits my life. I dated about 50 men before finding Mono, and I will not give him up easily. He is a gem. I had my share of dud dates. I think there is no difference in Western society. The pool got bigger because of online dating, and that choice factor has made it harder. I have a whole philosophy about the culture we live in, and what "choice" has done to us. Another forum, perhaps.
You know, you can ask Rose not to text and take phone calls while you are together. You can ask for whatever you want to make you feel comfortable. That's what it's all about-- finding comfort. She doesn't have to give you everything you ask for, as she has her own comforts, but that is where negotiation starts.
Rose is probably saying whatever she says to you, to them, too. We all default to what works, and if that is working for her, then she will use it. That being said, you could very well be her favorite, and that is okay too. I had favorites back when I was dating as she is now, looking for people who suit, looking for a good "group," as you put it.
As to married polys, some people start in marriage. Same journey, yet different.
Keep reading and talking. You seem to be on a path to discovery, seeing and learning some stuff on the way. Who could ask for more, really? That's what life is about.
monopolylover
New member
Well now, that's negative. At least I'm still out here trying, despite what I've dealt with. I know I may just get a big fat helping of FU all over again, but I have faith that I'm doing my best and that I could be happy.
Sorry, I don't think that is negative. It wasn't directional. Just saying, people who are bad at relationships, are bad at any relationships. It isn't a poly thing or a mono thing. It's a people thing.
monopolylover
New member
True, and I have been with a lot of people very bad at relationships. And in some that were good, I was the one being bad.
I like the advice I've gotten here. It has helped.
monopolylover
New member
Wow, was that horrible
One year later...
Well, folks, it's been about six months since I put this relationship behind me. I decided to visit this thread again and see what the gullible moron that I was had to say about the relationship I was in.
WOW. Was I ever one blindsided jackass. This girl had me buying all kinds of stupid BS. She turned out to be nothing but a con artist using polyamory to run several cons at once. Pure Narcissistic Personality Disorder, at it's finest.
One thing that stands out about it, though, is that I did better as a mono in a relationship with a (what I thought to be) poly than any mono/poly relationship I'd ever heard of. In theory, I'd make a great poly. But that would be far too complicated for me, at the end of the day, especially in America. This is just not mature enough a dating pool.
One year later...
Well, folks, it's been about six months since I put this relationship behind me. I decided to visit this thread again and see what the gullible moron that I was had to say about the relationship I was in.
WOW. Was I ever one blindsided jackass. This girl had me buying all kinds of stupid BS. She turned out to be nothing but a con artist using polyamory to run several cons at once. Pure Narcissistic Personality Disorder, at it's finest.
One thing that stands out about it, though, is that I did better as a mono in a relationship with a (what I thought to be) poly than any mono/poly relationship I'd ever heard of. In theory, I'd make a great poly. But that would be far too complicated for me, at the end of the day, especially in America. This is just not mature enough a dating pool.
IndieSolo
Active member
Geez, thanks a fucking lot for that.
I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out for you, but don't blame polyamory or the polyamorous community. Since the common denominator in your relationships is you, perhaps you are picking the "wrong" people, or setting up some dynamic that invited or encouraged the craziness. Though it feels good to have someone else to blame, or an excuse to point to when things go sour, why not ask yourself what your part in it was, instead of laying blame on the polyamorous "dating pool"? How arrogant! Relationships are not 50/50 -- they are 100% each person's responsibility. Bitterness will get you nowhere, but open-eyed self-examination will give you self-knowledge, which is everything.
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redpepper
Active member
Wow. Really? We're doing really well, actually, after 2 and a half years. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but please don't put your shit on anyone else.
I could be completely wrong, but I took his statement to mean that America has a fairly immature dating pool. I would agree with that, in a general sense, in that it can be difficult to find people who are genuine, caring, honest and capable of good communication. Not that they aren't out there, by any means (I read enough from people on here who are very intelligent, well-spoken and introspective), but you do end up sorting through a lot of people with poor communication skills and an "interesting" view of what honesty means. There's a lot of game playing out there in the dating world...
redpepper
Active member
Hmm... Possible. What say you, monopolylover?
Sounds like Rose gave you a skewed view of poly, regardless.
monopolylover
New member
Umm... yeah. It sure was my fault that she had defrauded two people to invest in a business that didn't exist, was lying to another "partner," getting the poor guy to send thousands in cash to help her by making him think that her mother was dying, and of course, lying to me and yet another guy about being "cheated on" to win sympathy. Then trying to pull the same psycho scams on us when we decided we'd had enough.
I'm sorry, but I've been in good relationships before. Unfortunately, the ones with people who claimed to be poly were total BS.
I'm not saying that there aren't real polys out there, or that the concept is flawed. That is what you are putting into the conversation, not me.