I'm creating a polymory character for a project but I need some help. Share your experience, answer some questions, help a creator.

filius_helii

New member
As a person who has never been in a polyamorous relationship I have some doubts, and if any one could lend me a hand with some questions it would be really nice.

I got the basics but I need some more insights, for example, witch would you say are some relationship problems that, by the nature of the situation, are only conceivable in a polyamorous relationship? And I'm not talking basic communication or once you start living with each other things turn not as good, or any other problem that can be present in every relationship (be a romantic relationship or of any kind).

This one might be a little odd, but how weird is it for poly relationships to look for a new "party member" as a group? And, how do you face that situation?

That's all for now! Any reply is more than helpful!!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello filius_helii,

One of the challenges of poly, is that when you have two partners, you have to place limits on how much time you can spend on each partner. We have been discussing this challenge in a recent thread. Also, it is assumed, that in poly, a male/female couple (usually married, a bi female, and a straight male), will search for a third (a bi female) to join them (and form a throuple -- an MFF triad), with equal amounts of love for both members of the couple. One of the problems with this is that the third often loves one member of the couple more than the other. Another problem is that a third can be hard to find; this can be a painstaking process. I hope this answers some of your questions; let me know if you have any further questions. I myself am one of the males in an MFM V, so that's just one example of the many shapes polyamory can assume.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

icesong

Moderator
I got the basics but I need some more insights, for example, witch would you say are some relationship problems that, by the nature of the situation, are only conceivable in a polyamorous relationship? And I'm not talking basic communication or once you start living with each other things turn not as good, or any other problem that can be present in every relationship (be a romantic relationship or of any kind).
I don’t know what your character’s relationship structure is, but one thing I’ve run into was in a set of relationships where people have multiple relationships to each other - a triad with all three people dating or a quad where two couples were dating the opposite-gender partner of the other couple - sometimes those relationships can conflict. As a for instance, I was dating someone and my husband was dating his wife. The relationship between my husband and my meta was pretty toxic, but I couldn’t encourage him to end it as that would also end my own relationship with my partner, due to the way everything was set up. That was probably the first time where my needs and my husband’s needs were _that_ directly in conflict, ever, and it’s not a situation that would have occurred outside polyamory.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I don’t know what your character’s relationship structure is, but one thing I’ve run into was in a set of relationships where people have multiple relationships to each other - a triad with all three people dating or a quad where two couples were dating the opposite-gender partner of the other couple - sometimes those relationships can conflict. As a for instance, I was dating someone and my husband was dating his wife. The relationship between my husband and my meta was pretty toxic, but I couldn’t encourage him to end it as that would also end my own relationship with my partner, due to the way everything was set up. That was probably the first time where my needs and my husband’s needs were _that_ directly in conflict, ever, and it’s not a situation that would have occurred outside polyamory.
In other words, you and your h were in a quad, and you'd all agreed that you could only date/fuck the other guy if your h was dating/fucking the other woman. If one of those dyads didn't work out, the whole quad would have to end. This is a huge drawback of triads and quads. There is a rule that every dyad must work, or the whole thing falls apart. If you and other guy break up, even though h and other woman are doing great, they have to break up too! What the heck. How is this fair to the other people you date?

I know you stopped trying to do this, icesong, and you and your h now date separately.

I got the basics...

We don't know what "basics" you seem to think you know.

I need some more insights. For example, which would you say are some relationship problems that, by the nature of the situation, are only conceivable in a polyamorous relationship? I'm not talking basic communication, or once you start living with each other things turn not as good...

What do you mean by "you" living together? A couple? 3 people? More? Do you imagine all three people are all fucking, or only any 2 at any time? Are you imagining what most people in the mainstream imagine poly means, a triad, (usually FMF, rarely MFM), or do you know that there are solo poly people, who live alone or with roommates, who just date other people as individuals, not as some kind of borg? Do you know that there are long term live-in couples who date others separately, never have group sex, or who may live half the week with their partner A, and half the week with their partner B?


... or any other problem that can be present in every relationship (be a romantic relationship or of any kind).

Poly people have endless problems, hence this board. Read around and you'll see. Hell, just read the thread titles! Some problems are unique to being poly, some aren't, and sometimes it's impossible to tell, or pointless to determine.

This one might be a little odd, but how weird is it for poly relationships to look for a new "party member" as a group? And, how do you face that situation?

It's very common for poly newbie couples to want to date one person together. "We've talked it over, and we want to share a gf! Yay! Now to find our unicorn..."

*crickets*

There are no unicorns. You may find a woman who's up for some threeway sex, as an experiment, or for short term fun. But there's not much in it for a unicorn long term. She has no status, she might be a dirty little secret, her couple will assume "couple privilege" (you must follow our rules), and they even might expect her to be a maid and a babysitter. The list goes on...
 

filius_helii

New member
Hello filius_helii,

One of the challenges of poly, is that when you have two partners, you have to place limits on how much time you can spend on each partner. We have been discussing this challenge in a recent thread. Also, it is assumed, that in poly, a male/female couple (usually married, a bi female, and a straight male), will search for a third (a bi female) to join them (and form a throuple -- an MFF triad), with equal amounts of love for both members of the couple. One of the problems with this is that the third often loves one member of the couple more than the other. Another problem is that a third can be hard to find; this can be a painstaking process. I hope this answers some of your questions; let me know if you have any further questions. I myself am one of the males in an MFM V, so that's just one example of the many shapes polyamory can assume.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thank you so much for your reply!
 
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