I'm for poly, they're not. Advice?

T

Technicallygold

New member
Hi all.

I know this is not a new question for people around here, but sometimes an outside perspective helps me sort things, and I hope I can ask in this forum where people know and accept the basic premise of polyamory.

I'm usually not attracted to people so I'm not "seeking" a partner. But I am attracted to my best friend, who's married, and who I would be more than happy to make the hub of a vee. He knows - we tell each other pretty much everything - but his wife doesn't. I like to be as open and honest as possible with my best friends because if you can't talk to them, who can you talk to? So I had planned on telling her - but she's struggling with depression and anxiety right now and has a horrible self-image, so I don't want to shove that on her until she's feeling a little more even.

My actual problem is that they're both Christians, and they have the generally accepted views on sex and marriage. He's said that while he doesn't dismiss polyamory outright, he isn't sure he'd do it even if his wife consented. She thinks, broadly speaking, that it's likely to collapse marriages and hurt people, and she has spiritual objections as well, I think.

With these responses definitely trending towards the negative, should I bother continuing the discussion at all? I can't help hoping that their minds might change, but I don't want to push too hard, either. And I don't want to continue on a lost cause, no matter how much I love him and would be content with them both.

It is a somewhat down day, so even if no advice is to be had (or even if the advice is "Go away and read the rest of the forums"), I appreciate being able to post here where the dilemma is at least understood.

Thanks. :)
 
I am glad that you found this forum to be able to express your dilemma.

My advise, FWIW, feel free to fantasize in your own mind how this could work IF they were on board. BUT, since you have already shared your thoughts with him and been told "no go" - the charitable thing is to let it go. She has objections, which need to be respected. He has reservations, even if she agreed.

I would NOT bother continuing the discussion, other than as it pertains to you yourself. (i.e. this is how I feel, this is how I see relationships) Sort of like, I have straight friends that I am attracted to, they know that I find them attractive, they are not interested...done. They know the possibility is there should they ever change their mind, probably not gonna happen...
 
You've noted this before in some of your replies to me, but your situation sounds somewhat similar to what ours was before my wife (FieryFlames, FF), our best friend (I'll call her Nukes...), and I started dating.

Nukes had spoken to FF about poly in general at one point and told us that she had been in a poly relationship before. She had started to wonder if we could all three become more than friends; however, she perceived FF and I to be a tightly closed dyad (which wasn't incorrect). The thought of swinging the idea by us directly had crossed her mind but she was concerned about being perceived as a threat to our marriage, which could subsequently result in the dissolution of our friendship.

This might sound like a chicken and egg type of argument, but it is a distinction that FF and I think is really important. We didn't ask Nukes to date us because we had decided to develop a triad... We decided that we wanted to develop a triad because of Nukes. When we asked Nukes out, FF and I were rather staunchly of the opinion that if Nukes wasn't interested then we would have remained a closed dyad. I tell you this, because even if the couple seems not open to poly in the general sense... That doesn't necessarily mean that they aren't open to being poly with the right person.

That being said, if I were in your shoes I would probably default to not continuing the discussion. That is what Nukes was going to do and I would do it out of fear of messing up the friendship. The problem is that you will never actually know unless you ask them directly and in specific terms. The question is whether the potential for what you could gain is worth the risk to what you currently have. Keeping in mind of course that the risk is entirely dependent on how you think they would respond if they're not interested. FF and I were so worried that Nukes would be weirded out and that we might lose our friendship, but at the same time we knew Nukes personality and trusted that she wouldn't just terminate our friendship in response to such an inquiry.
 
One possibility is to do an indirect sharing with them as friends, explaining how you see poly and current status as that you are interested in someone/s who is/are married. Leave it at that. If there is interest on their end, they may together or separately bring up the subject in conversation with you. If it happens with both, separately or together, worth bringing it up as a possibility between you.
 
Thank you for the thoughts and advice, all three of you. It really is helpful to hear answers from outside my own head, all the way across the 'yes/no' spectrum. :)
 
Hi Technicallygold,

I suppose the thing to think about here is how (and when) you are going to let this man's wife know that you are interested in him. I wouldn't put it as a proposition, just as information conveyed in the interest of honesty.

Once they both know of your interest in him, I would lay the matter to rest. Let them come to you if they have a change of heart about poly.

That is my opinion anyway.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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