I'm having issues with my GF

T

tech6

New member
I'm a monogamous male. My girlfriend of several years tells me she's poly, and wants a relationship with a fellow in another city, about 300 miles distant. I asked her what it would entail, and she said she'd like to visit him, but it could get hot and heavy. She told me there would always be full disclosure and trust as to what she was doing, because trust is important with poly relationships. I thought about it a couple of months, she kept pressing, so I said okay.

Instead, she found a local guy and started a relationship with him. She told me they were "just good friends, that's all'. Then I discover she's brought him into my house to have sex many times. This was not disclosed, and I don't want a complete stranger in my house, or my bed. When I ask about their relationship status, she gets angry, and says she doesn't have to tell me anything.

I'm confused and hurt.
 
This isn't polyamory. It's cheating. It sounds like she wants to do what she wants to do and you're suppose to accept it. That's not very loving behavior in my book.
 
I wouldn't go so far as to call it cheating, mostly because it doesn't seem there was clear communication at the beginning. I would call it bad poly. You two need to sit down and hash things out in a civil manner. If she can't be more forthcoming it might be time to part ways.
 
I am sorry you struggle and feel hurt.

  • You agreed to something you don't seem to want out of pressure (LDR polyamory with a specific guy, full disclosure, etc.)
  • She then broke the agreement in pursuing this other local guy, no disclosure, etc.
  • She cheated on agreements.
  • When you ask her to reconcile her behavior with her Word, she sounds like she gets mad at you for bringing this up rather than talking to you up front and direct and owning her behavior.

I think you are well within your rights to call all that mess a deal breaker. You could end it with her for violation of space, trust, and agreements. This is not what you signed up for.

It's like bait and switch. Sell you on the up front LDR poly V idea, and then go for something else behind your back. All while talking about how important full disclosure and trust is in relationships? Sounds like she's saying things she cannot actually manage to do.

Galagirl
 
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She told you there would be full disclosure and trust, then lied and cheated on you in your own home. She can't be trusted, and I would find this an absolute deal breaker.
 
I appreciate your responses. Since she began this new relationship, ours has become like room-mates, and the only time she'd communicate with me was when she wanted something. Every time I've approached her about this, she says it's none of my business and she doesn't have to tell me a d*mned thing.

The thought that some strange guy is in my house while I'm at work troubles me. I don't like it. As a few of you pointed out, I have zero trust in her now, because she was very precise defining what poly was, and how she'd behave.

This feels like cheating to me. And I feel violated by knowing he's been in my house without my knowledge or permission.

She needs to move in with the other guy.

Thanks again for your responses.
 
She's right that she doesn't have to tell you a damn thing. But you don't have to keep her for a roomie forever either!

If it is your house? Tell her to move out and change the locks.

If it is your lease? Tell her to move out and change the locks.

If it is a joint lease in both names, pay to break the lease, and move out. Let her deal with her stuff herself.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
She's right that she doesn't have to tell you a damn thing. But you don't have to keep her for a roomie forever either!

If it is your house? Tell her to move out and change the locks.

Galagirl
Click to expand...

Yes, it's my house. Her name is on nothing of mine.
 
Hi tech6,

Sorry about the predicament you're in. Regardless of whether you break up with your girlfriend, it seems obvious to me that she has already broken up with you. You already know you don't like her bringing another guy into your bed, not to mention she has been deceptive and defensive. I would recommend evicting her. :(

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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