I'm in an emotional shitstorm and I don't know what to do

L

LittleGreenSnake

New member
Alright, so I'm a 33 year old bi-sexual female who has been in a fantastic and loving relationship with her male partner of 7 years.

But before I begin, I thought I'd give a very brief background. I've been a a serial monogamist -- I've had 3 long-term boyfriends since age 21, the third boyfriend being my current partner. I think the reason behind this is because I've always managed to find/choose really good, decent guys. I've never had a problem or issue since the men I have been with have all been intelligent, loyal, caring and loving, An interesting behavioural pattern to note, is that I got together with my partner and previous boyfriend via the same means, i.e. While I was still in a relationship with the former boyfriend. I met them while I was in a monogamous relationship, then kept in contact over email; once I fell in love with him, I left my then-current boyfriend to be with the new one. This is (potentially) relevant to my dilemma later on.

In 2011, I moved from the opposite side of the planet to Europe to be with my partner. We have been a couple since 2010 and for the most part, it's been absolutely amazing. He is so, so wonderful. He makes me breakfast every day, dinner every night (I do the cleaning!), serves me breakfast in bed every Saturday and Sunday, is very attentive, caring, loyal and is utterly, utterly devoted to me. I know how lucky I am and I absolutely adore him. I love him to bits and I can't imagine my future without him in it. We really have a beautiful relationship.

That said, our sexual appetites differ. He's much more vanilla than I am, and certainly not as adventurous. For example, he doesn't like or want to cum in my mouth even when I ask him to; he's not really into spanking, threesomes, etc etc. Which, in the beginning was fine and I thought I could tolerate it but naturally over the course of time, I was beginning to notice a lot of my needs were not being met. I'd suggested seeing other people to him a few years ago, to which I received a very flat 'No' however I persisted in asking and since he realised that this was something I genuinely want and need in my life, he agreed for me to casually see women only. Fast forward to last year, he eventually agreed that I could see both sexes, and recently even agreed that I could have an emotional relationship too.

Last year in May I reacquainted with a old friend and we had THE MOST MIND-BLOWING SEX I have ever had in my life. He was in a relationship, he lived in another country (2 hour flight away); we decided to become lovers. Life was good. We'd only seen each other for a few days and when I returned home we communicated by email daily. I visited him again in November, we had the BEST SEX EVER and fell quite deeply in love with each other. After I left, his current girlfriend broke up with him. I am now his girlfriend, and he is my lover/boyfriend.

Since November, I've spent an amazing 3 days with my lover. We get along fantastically. He is super loving and amazing. We email or Skype chat or both every single day.

I am in love with two men. Both men are in love with me and want to spend the rest of the lives with me. Problem is, I want to spend the rest of my life with both of them too. I realise of course there is a lot of NRE with my lover so I'm not making any rash decisions and am most certainly taking my time on this but a time will come when I will have to make a decision.

Oh by the way, the reason WHY I will have to choose between the two is because I intend on moving back to my home country in a few years time. Something which both of my men have expressed great interest in joining me. Up until this point, is was without saying that my partner would move with me but now things are complicated and I'm confused.

On the one hand I have this beautiful great, safe life with my partner who I've been together for so long. He isn't very adventurous, likes spending time alone or with me (spoiling me) and is very predictable. My lover is an avid traveller as I am, is wild and adventurous as I am but also very stable and secure. And the fuck of the century.

I know I am polyamorous because I am profoundly in love with two people at the same time. My issue is that they both want me for themselves and if I could split myself in two, I would give both halves to them each. Am I the problem here? Am I spoilt? Will I continue to keep replacing people because I keep falling in love with new ones all the time?

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Any practical advice? Any hindsight? I'll take anything! Please help.
 
LittleGreenSnake said:
I know I am polyamorous because I am profoundly in love with two people at the same time.
Click to expand...

This is the crux of the issue, in my opinion. What you need to figure out/focus on is your values, your worldview, and what you want your life to look like. Once you figure that out, or at least have a preliminary concept, let the loved ones in your life who might be impacted by this revelation know.

LittleGreenSnake said:
My issue is that they both want me for themselves
Click to expand...

Once you convey how you want your life to look, this decision is no longer up to you. You decide what you want, everyone else can decide what they want, and you are left with what is in the middle.

You can of course go through the process of compromising, but for me this is only something that should be done in extreme circumstances and simply cannot be avoided (I can't think of what that situation is, but I'm sure there is one). Otherwise it is my goal to let everyone live their lives authentically and we can enjoy the intersects where they happen.
 
No worries, you are not the problem.
It sounds like you know what you want. Communication is key here. Your partners need to be made aware of what you want in your life. Maybe they'll agree, maybe they won't. But the most important thing here is to let them know what you're hoping for.
 
Hi LittleGreenSnake,

It's a shame both of your guys couldn't move with you to your home country, that would be an ideal outcome. Like Marcus said, maybe you don't have to choose, maybe you can let them choose. Just so you head in the direction you want to go in life.

You can still enjoy what you have at this moment, of course.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hey,

What sort of timeframe do you have before you have to move back to your home country? Are there things you would do to lengthen your stay in Europe?

LittleGreenSnake said:
THE MOST MIND-BLOWING SEX ... BEST SEX EVER ... the fuck of the century.
Click to expand...

The sex sounds amazing. Both lovers sound kind, mature, compassionate and an ideal partner to you. Even without NRE, the new one sounds like sexual dynamite. The long term lover on the other hand has proven to be dedicated and easy to live with - there is security there that has been tried over time and he has proven reliable.

Picking one sounds like being forced to chop off your left arm or your right arm. Most people do nothing when faced with a choice like that.

Option 1: Picking long term partner.
I feel the chemical attraction of sex is a big issue for you. Can your current long-term partner continue to provide you with polyamory and hot sex in the form of new partners? If so, you can continue to have hot sex and he can be secure in his relationship. However, if he feels threatened by the connection you feel for others that give you hot sex, he may subconsciously be more hesitant in his approach to polyamory. I'm trying to say that relationship security may be a big issue here - your long time partner was initially hesitant about opening up to polyamory but seemed to do it for you even though it was emotionally difficult for him. Having done it now, he may be willing to give you all the new lovers and all the hot sex you want, as long as he still has you emotionally and physically. As soon as he feels you might pick the hot sex over him, he may be less willing to give you new partners. (I have no idea if I'm right about him, so please forgive my advice if I'm just really wrong about this).

Option 2: Picking hot sex partner.
I feel that this partner is not just about hot sex. You've described him as intelligent, kind, loving and caring. I get the feeling that you see the hot sex as icing on the cake. I'm personally not very experienced with sex and you'd probably know better than me, but in your experience, does the attraction of sex fade with time? I mean, I understand that it does fade with time but I don't actually know how much it tends to fade with time. Even if it fades, I get the feeling that this will still be the best sex of your life, but I'm wondering if the sex is less hot with time, could there be another partner that might offer even hotter sex with the addition of a new NRE? This could be a problem in the future. What I'm trying to say is, if new partner feels that you may have left your longterm partner partly because of hot sex, then new partner may feel insecure about letting you experience hotter sex with future partners.

In addition, new partners of yours may see your choice of polyamory as a way for you to transition to serial monogamy. If this old pattern of behaviour of replacing an old lover with a new one is repeated even whilst practising polyamory, your polyamorous partners may not feel secure in letting you experience new lovers! I feel that you have good insight into this given that you opened your post by saying that your experience with serial monogamy and dumping old boyfriends may be related to what you're considering to do now. Your insight is probably accurate, but perhaps you feel your thoughts are clouded by love for both your left and right arms along with a large dose of NRE?

Option 3:
Wait. See how your feelings unfold with time. You're going to be making a big choice in moving countries and chopping off an arm that will impact you for life. I feel your best decision will be made whilst not wrapped up in NRE.

In summary, NRE makes all decision difficult since we feel like we are at the happiest moments in our lives and feel like we will never experience a happier moment than this. The truth is, you're still young. You've only had a handful of sexual partners and have the potential to experience many handfuls more. Sex can actually be even more amazing than you currently imagine. If your current long-term partner allowed you the possibility of finding such hot sex within a few short years, I feel that there is the possibility that he might allow you to find more again in the future. New boyfriend may also provide this and only you and he can know.

Finally, please don't let us psychoanalyse the crap out of you and your situation - We've only seen a snapshot of your life in a few paragraphs. Advise and analysis on this forum always comes with the disclaimer that we are only able to see your vibrant life through the window that you paint. Good luck in making these hard choices. I advise you wait till NRE fades and continue to provide your long term partner the security promised to him when he agreed to enter polyamory.
 
Last edited:
Marcus said:
This is the crux of the issue, in my opinion. What you need to figure out/focus on is your values, your worldview, and what you want your life to look like. Once you figure that out, or at least have a preliminary concept, let the loved ones in your life who might be impacted by this revelation know.



Once you convey how you want your life to look, this decision is no longer up to you. You decide what you want, everyone else can decide what they want, and you are left with what is in the middle.

You can of course go through the process of compromising, but for me this is only something that should be done in extreme circumstances and simply cannot be avoided (I can't think of what that situation is, but I'm sure there is one). Otherwise it is my goal to let everyone live their lives authentically and we can enjoy the intersects where they happen.
Click to expand...

I suppose that's part of my issue, I want BOTH in my life but I can't have both...so I'm almost asking for someone to tell me what to do because this is seriously so confusing. I realise this isn't the way to go about it, and I'll have to call for some decision-making of my own. Thanks for the words.
 
Amac said:
No worries, you are not the problem.
It sounds like you know what you want. Communication is key here. Your partners need to be made aware of what you want in your life. Maybe they'll agree, maybe they won't. But the most important thing here is to let them know what you're hoping for.
Click to expand...

I want both of them, yes. But both of them want me, alone. To themselves. If we still lived on the same continent this might be manageable but it's not optimal long-term.

It's still early days though -- do you have any advice for when it's a good time to tell them my hopes?
 
Shaya said:
Hey,

What sort of timeframe do you have before you have to move back to your home country? Are there things you would do to lengthen your stay in Europe?
Click to expand...

Thank you SO MUCH Shaya! You've been invaluable -- unfortunately I am unable to address any of these issues with friends or family since my lifestyle is FAAAAR too "controversial" to talk to them about. But you're right, I do need to wait a little and seriously consider my options. I'm only just beginning to really understand the depth of my love for my men because I don't want to hurt either of them, and am prepared to bite the bullet hard and trudge through this on my own while keeping everyone happy. It'll be exhausting and taxing on my soul but it's better than hurting them from rash decisions or impulsivity.

You've been invaluable. Again, thank you so much. xx
 
I agree with what others have said here.... but I'd like to point out that you've basically already noted that your long term b/f can't satisfy your sexual needs, and it seems pretty obvious to me that it's never going to change. If you decide to end the relationship with the new b/f for the long term one, you're still going to be left in the same position of him not meeting your needs, and so you're still going to have to date others. So long term b/f (LTBF) is never going to get to "have you all to himself." Seems that if he wants to be in a relationship with you, he's going to have to come to terms with you always having other partners, and probably falling in love and wanting a serious and hopefully local connection with them. So for LTBF, it shouldn't matter if new b/f (NBF) also moved to your home country. So to me, the real kicker is whether NBF is willing to move and be in a relationship with you while you're still in a relationship with LTBF. If he's not, you could chose to only be with him, but it sounds like that means only being with him ever, which also sounds like not what you want.

I agree that you should give it some time and think about things, but ultimately, it's not all about pleasing your partners. You need to figure out what your needs are, and if they can meet those needs, let them know what your needs are, and then they can decide whether they're willing to dive in and agree to what you want or not.
 
If the move is something in the neighborhood of 3 months from now, you need to start talking. 3 years from now - enjoy the ride and address it maybe about a year out from when it needs to happen. Somewhere in between? Maybe 6 months from the eventual move. When I had problems I hated hearing "you need to do what's right for you", but honestly it's great advice. Hope you're hanging in there.
 
Are you going to be happy being monogamous with either one? You state that each wants you to himself. That would concern me, as a poly person unwilling to commit to monogamy.
 
Hey there girl. I totally hear you. I'm sorry you're struggling, I get you believe me. About three years go I was in a very similar situation, and I chose wrong =(

Three years ago I was living overseas with my then partner of 4.5 years. Best boyfriend I've ever had. So sweet, treated me super well, always had a little surprise for me, always caring, funny, respectful and loving. We had a great relationship, traveled together a lot. He really loved me; good love. He was indeed vanilla in bed, a lot more than me. I also proposed to open the relationship and then I met Mr.Hot-Sex. Adventurous, incredibly smart, wild sex and a deep connection, talked for hours, had so many things in common, so many of the same interests. I fell in love with him pretty hard.

So similarly to you, I was in that spot of being in love with them both, but having to realistically choose one. By the way, I still do love them both. But I had to choose because they lived in different countries 16 hours away by plane and they both wanted me to live with them. It was SUCH a struggle, cried a lot, felt paralyzed (have you heard of the philosophical paradox of the Buridan's ass by the way?). So lucky and unlucky at the same time.

I chose Mr. Hot-Sex. Moved in with him and it was incredible... for as long the NRE feelings lasted. He as a person is pretty amazing, and I do love him still, but he is not a good partner in a relationship. He was not caring, not stable and kind of selfish, didn't really care about much than himself. Unfortunately, took me 2+ years to figure that out and cost me the great relationship with my previous partner.

So what can I tell you now? How can my struggle, experience, and lessons benefit you so that you don't go through the same? I can't tell you who to choose, unfortunately, nobody can. Your Mr.Hot-Sex could be a great guy, even a better partner than your current boyfriend. You could have with him a relationship that is gonna make you happier than your current one. That's not the lesson here. What things did I do wrong?

- I chose too fast, too much with the NRE mindset.
- Even though I knew I was so lucky with my previous partner, I kind of naively assumed that it wasn't gonna be that hard to have a great relationship too with my new partner. I was wrong. It's hard. Great relationships are special. Very special. I took for granted all the stability that my previous partner gave me. I wanted a bit more adventure, but no instability. Unfortunately, I learned that after the fact (really miss my previous partner).
- The "What if...?" surrounding Mr.Hot-Sex was bigger than the "What if...?" surrounding my previous partner. So I chose to keep the smaller "What if...?"
- I was guided more for how I wanted things to be, than for what things were. I imagined this life with Mr.Hot-Sex of great love+hot sex. It ended up not being like that, the sex was hot, but the love wasn't great and it ended up affecting the sex and everything else. And I didn't look as hard as my then current relationship and all it really was.
- I didn't communicate as clearly and as much as I should have with both guys at the time and I ended up deciding "alone" when it should have been more of a conversation.

Out of the whole thing, I learned a lot. Really a lot. I know what I want, what I don't want know. I have deep self-knowledge now and that is invaluable. So my question to you is, do you really know what you want? Do you think you know yourself good enough? Is mind blowing sex more important than stability? Are you gonna miss more the breakfast in bed every weekend or are you gonna miss more the hot sex? What's gonna make you happier in the long run? Truly look at what you want. What do you want for your life? Is hard to make this decision with NRE mindset. Give it time. See how the new guy really is, how he treats you, how did he treat his previous girlfriend? Don't imagine how he could be, see how he is. And see how your current partner is and how your sex life satisfies you or not. But more than anything, see what is really gonna make you happy and be honest with everyone about it, starting with yourself.

Big hugs! I totally get you. I will end with this: if you love them both, that's not really gonna change, regardless of who you choose. You can still love them both, even in the distance, and that's always a good thing to love another person.

=)
 
breathemusic said:
I agree that you should give it some time and think about things, but ultimately, it's not all about pleasing your partners. You need to figure out what your needs are, and if they can meet those needs, let them know what your needs are, and then they can decide whether they're willing to dive in and agree to what you want or not.
Click to expand...

Wow, thank you so much. I suppose that's part of my problem -- when does this all stop? Is there a point with polyamorous people where we reach a limit? Why is enough enough? I feel like monogamy is so much simpler as easier at times...but then is that just another case of me wanting what I "can't" have?

Though you're right. The underlying theme here is for me to wait it out. I just hope I can do this without somehow feeling I am being greedy or selfish here.
 
AlwaysGrowing said:
Are you going to be happy being monogamous with either one? You state that each wants you to himself. That would concern me, as a poly person unwilling to commit to monogamy.
Click to expand...

To be honest, I really can't say. But with all this NRE with my boyfriend, I'm convinced I want to have his babies, etc. This is obviously not something I think my partner could deal with, nor would I expect him to.

Your situation sounds similar to mine -- how does your boyfriend cope with your relationship with your husband?
 
Alodia said:
Hey there girl. I totally hear you. I'm sorry you're struggling, I get you believe me. About three years go I was in a very similar situation, and I chose wrong =(

...

Big hugs! I totally get you. I will end with this: if you love them both, that's not really gonna change, regardless of who you choose. You can still love them both, even in the distance, and that's always a good thing to love another person.

=)
Click to expand...

WOW! Your post really gave me goosebumps! Truly. I'm still even shivering them off as I type this. What a spooky coincidence, and I'm very sorry to read your story. I hope you're doing okay.

And those are exactly the thoughts I am having with my own Mr Hot Sex -- I'm so wrapped up in NRE that we're even talking about having babies. Gah! Such a cliche, I know...that said, I've NEVER had this sort of talk with anyone else in my life, not even my partner. The opposite, actually.

Anyway, it's about waiting and weighting things out, right? I need to stop seeing things as what they "could" be, and for what they currently ARE. I suppose it's because I'm now in my 30's and the timeframe for having kids is getting shorter by the month -- so there are these imaginary time constraints I'm putting on myself. So much stress.

But thank you, you've given me MUCH to think about. Please feel free to contact me at any time if you have more insights, etc. I will definitely be re-reading your post for times to come...
 
LittleGreenSnake said:
To be honest, I really can't say. But with all this NRE with my boyfriend, I'm convinced I want to have his babies, etc. This is obviously not something I think my partner could deal with, nor would I expect him to.

Your situation sounds similar to mine -- how does your boyfriend cope with your relationship with your husband?
Click to expand...

He doesn't cope with it - he enjoys it. Boy loves that I have a happy, healthy marriage. He helps me plan special events (birthday parties/dates and such), babysits when necessary, and gets as excited as I do when Hubby and I do something super fun (ie - immediately asks for pictures/updates after a fun trip while giving us space to enjoy it in the moment). Hubby is the same way with my relationship with Boy.

Both inherently identify as poly, are secure in our connections, and genuinely like/respect the other.
 
In your OP, you said your long term bf agreed you could have a sexual and emotional relationship with another man, he consented to that. Why is he now reneging on that agreement? Have you renegotiated and he has changed his mind, now that he is faced with the reality of you having actually found another romantic partner?

How do you feel about that? Betrayed? Will you back down? I don't recommend going against your nature to please a partner, no matter how "great" they are. I twisted myself into a pretzel shape for my ex husband (who was a very "nice guy" in many ways, but very jealous) and he never was pleased, because he KNEW I was going against my nature, and so he was never really reassured or content or trusting of me.

As for new bf, MrHotSex, he has some nerve asking you to go mono after you've already been practicing poly for some time. How have you let him think it's OK for him to do that? All this sex and now plans for babies so soon after meeting... Are babies supposed to take the place of other adult lovers in your life?

That said, if you do start having babies, (speaking as a mother of 3 kids born in 5 years, all planned) say goodbye to hot sex, with anyone, for a while anyway. Depending on how many kids you have, and how fast, not to mention continuing to work an outside job (if you choose that), plus the extra financial burden on your prospective partner, exhaustion becomes inevitable. All you will want is food and sleep, when the babies are sleeping. Maybe all you will be capable of is a quickie with your long term bf. Your new bf's kinky desires might seem a burden. Ironic, huh? haha!

Many poly people stop practicing poly for a while when babies come on the scene. Unless you have an established 2nd partner who is also gung ho on babies, and diapers, and cleaning crumbs and clutter, and being sleep deprived, you won't have time or energy for HOT SEX for years to come, unless you have very giving grandparents nearby, or a full time nanny.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top