Florentine
New member
I’ve been with my wife 14 years and married for 7. We have a 13 year old.
About 18 months ago, my wife told me she had a ‘connection’ with a very close friend of ours, someone that we made an ‘earth mother’ to our child because, since she isn’t religious, being a godmother wasn’t appropriate for her. My wife told me about 5 minutes before seeing my family, so I didn’t have time to digest it and said, it’s fine as long as nothing is in front of me and nothing is inappropriate.
A day later, the friend and her husband came over for a regular games night. I was sat on the sofa with my wife and friend and they were very touchy in front of me, which made me feel really uncomfortable. I took myself to bed. When they left and my wife came up, I told her this was unacceptable. She apologised and said it wouldn’t happen again.
Then around 6 months later, she said she thinks she’s polyamorous. This was a hard pill to swallow. She went onto apps and started meeting people.
We spoke about boundaries and she asked me what I want, that she would respect. So I put boundaries in place to protect myself mentally, and our family, such as: no females (a massive insecurity for me, as she has always said she has never fallen in love with a man, but has previously had an affair behind her girlfriend's back with another woman and left her girlfriend for the woman) and to use protection ALWAYS.
We had hard conversations. I told her this isn’t what I want. She said this makes her happy. I told her one of us could likely remain unhappy then. If you are doing this, I’m unhappy, and if you’re not, then you’re unhappy.
She said she would go on a ‘break’ from it for 6 months to see how she feels. This lasted about 2 months and she was back on the app.
Then lo and behold, she said she wanted to re-explore what she has with our ‘friend.’ I told her how this made me feel. After endless arguing, she still decided this is what she wanted to do. I felt like I had lost best friends (my female friend and her husband) and was losing my wife.
We had a holiday booked and she said nothing would happen until after the holiday. When we got back, it was almost like they went into it instantly. (The holiday was in August last year.)
I told her the friends were no longer invited to our house. My wife always said what matters to me is most important. I am priority. But I didn’t feel this way. Then, in December, they had their work due (they worked together) and they were staying overnight. I went to stay at my father's because I couldn’t handle being at home thinking all sorts.
The following day, I didn’t want to go home. I had all sorts in my head, so I kept stalling. When I got home, she was very affectionate and cuddly with me. Into the evening I asked if they had taken the step to go all the way. And they had. This cut me really deep and I said I was out. I wasn’t doing this anymore.
The whole poly thing is supposed to be ethical, but this wasn’t, as I wasn’t okay with any of this. December was a hard month for us, but somehow we were making it through. Then, at the end of December, I had an accident and broke both my ankles. The only people to help were this couple. Against my knowledge, my wife contacted them for help with supplies and they brought them over (commode, zimmer frame, toilet frame etc.). They didn’t stay long. That was that.
I was at my lowest point in my life, as I was always a very dependent person and now I was bedbound (for 3 months). Then one day, flowers came through the door. They were from the ‘friend’ to my wife. I didn’t react well to this. I thought it was insensitive, given the circumstances of how I felt about them and the fact I was in a hospital bed at home.
My wife and I fell out over it and she made it clear she had messaged the friend saying how I felt, and they were both messaging each other angrily about me. I asked her to tell me the messages. She refused, so I messaged the ‘friend’ myself, and as you could imagine, I didn’t hold back. When I woke the following day I had a massive message from her, which still to this day I’ve never read. I didn’t need to see what the message was, and I felt like I’d said everything I needed to say. I did message her and I said please don’t think I don’t appreciate the help you gave me when I came home from hospital, because I am grateful for that. And I left it at that.
Since then, she has distanced herself from my wife, ghosting her, making my wife feel unwanted. Which again is hard for me to get my head around.
So my wife decided to go onto discord poly groups and get back onto the apps. She started meeting people and then regularly started meeting one man.
I’ve been very open with her, as she has with me. I ask questions. We talk about her dates. I’m genuinely interested, and keen to see her happy. I feel like I’ve come a long way since the start of this new journey.
Anyway, back to what I said above. She started meeting one guy regularly. They meet every week. I told her what I expect, protection EVERY SINGLE TIME, no matter the act. She agreed with this.
I came home one day after she had been to his house and I just felt awkward and weird. I’m an adult; I know what happens when two are in a house alone. We had a big awkward conversation and she said she didn’t feel the need to use protection for ALL acts, if you get my drift, without going into too much detail. This concluded with me saying I wasn’t happy and this again isn’t ethical. She said she would take this on board.
Throughout this whole journey, she has always said this won’t affect us, affect our marriage, affect our sexual life, and I should be happy that she is happy.
For the past month, she hasn’t kissed me unless I initiate it. She hasn’t been close to me unless I initiate it. So when I had a chat with her I told her how this is all making me feel. I asked her verbally if anything sexual has happened. She kept saying, 'We haven’t had sexual intercourse.' This went on for about 5-6 times, when she finally said, 'Yes, there has been sexual encounters.'
She had always told me this would never affect us or how we are sexually, but it’s evident it has. I broke down to her and said she is making me feel unattractive and unwanted, and this is what she promised wouldn’t happen if she takes the poly journey.
Last week was half term. We had a chat the week before that week, and she asked if I have a preference on what day she goes to see him. I asked her politely if she wouldn’t mind skipping a week, as I work in a school, so I am off work, and she works from home, so we can spend time together. She wasn’t happy about this, even though she sees him weekly. I ended up going back on my word and what I wanted and saying, 'Okay, go and see him Monday, then.' So that is what was planned.
She told me they were going to a gaming cafe. Then when she was getting ready to go, she said, 'I don’t know if we’re going to his house after, because he’s mentioned he has made a dessert.' I feel like going to his was always planned, but by her saying she didn’t know if she was, was a cop-out, not being honest. Anyway, he cancelled 10 minutes before she left because he had to get a plumber out.
We have been ‘close’ since I spoke to her, and she is initiating. But I can’t help but feel like she’s not doing it because she wants to, but because of what I said, which is, if this continues, then I’m out. I need to put myself first sometimes.
This lasted 2 days. She has now reverted back to not kissing or touching. She does want to cuddle, and tickle back/legs. But that’s it. I’ve tried to initiate kissing, but I’m getting pecks back. Last night she mentioned, ‘Hopefully we can be intimate soon.’ I feel like she’s saying the ‘right things’ because of what I had brought up, but it isn’t materialising into anything.
First, am I out of order for asking her to not plan something during the school holidays, where I only had a week off? (We also had plans with friends, so only really had 3 days off together.)
Secondly, am I overreacting her new relationship with this guy, due to my own insecurities?
I can’t help but feel unwanted, unattractive, insecure and jealous.
If anyone can help or give advice, all would be gratefully received. I’ll aim to respond if you have further questions. Thanks in advance.
About 18 months ago, my wife told me she had a ‘connection’ with a very close friend of ours, someone that we made an ‘earth mother’ to our child because, since she isn’t religious, being a godmother wasn’t appropriate for her. My wife told me about 5 minutes before seeing my family, so I didn’t have time to digest it and said, it’s fine as long as nothing is in front of me and nothing is inappropriate.
A day later, the friend and her husband came over for a regular games night. I was sat on the sofa with my wife and friend and they were very touchy in front of me, which made me feel really uncomfortable. I took myself to bed. When they left and my wife came up, I told her this was unacceptable. She apologised and said it wouldn’t happen again.
Then around 6 months later, she said she thinks she’s polyamorous. This was a hard pill to swallow. She went onto apps and started meeting people.
We spoke about boundaries and she asked me what I want, that she would respect. So I put boundaries in place to protect myself mentally, and our family, such as: no females (a massive insecurity for me, as she has always said she has never fallen in love with a man, but has previously had an affair behind her girlfriend's back with another woman and left her girlfriend for the woman) and to use protection ALWAYS.
We had hard conversations. I told her this isn’t what I want. She said this makes her happy. I told her one of us could likely remain unhappy then. If you are doing this, I’m unhappy, and if you’re not, then you’re unhappy.
She said she would go on a ‘break’ from it for 6 months to see how she feels. This lasted about 2 months and she was back on the app.
Then lo and behold, she said she wanted to re-explore what she has with our ‘friend.’ I told her how this made me feel. After endless arguing, she still decided this is what she wanted to do. I felt like I had lost best friends (my female friend and her husband) and was losing my wife.
We had a holiday booked and she said nothing would happen until after the holiday. When we got back, it was almost like they went into it instantly. (The holiday was in August last year.)
I told her the friends were no longer invited to our house. My wife always said what matters to me is most important. I am priority. But I didn’t feel this way. Then, in December, they had their work due (they worked together) and they were staying overnight. I went to stay at my father's because I couldn’t handle being at home thinking all sorts.
The following day, I didn’t want to go home. I had all sorts in my head, so I kept stalling. When I got home, she was very affectionate and cuddly with me. Into the evening I asked if they had taken the step to go all the way. And they had. This cut me really deep and I said I was out. I wasn’t doing this anymore.
The whole poly thing is supposed to be ethical, but this wasn’t, as I wasn’t okay with any of this. December was a hard month for us, but somehow we were making it through. Then, at the end of December, I had an accident and broke both my ankles. The only people to help were this couple. Against my knowledge, my wife contacted them for help with supplies and they brought them over (commode, zimmer frame, toilet frame etc.). They didn’t stay long. That was that.
I was at my lowest point in my life, as I was always a very dependent person and now I was bedbound (for 3 months). Then one day, flowers came through the door. They were from the ‘friend’ to my wife. I didn’t react well to this. I thought it was insensitive, given the circumstances of how I felt about them and the fact I was in a hospital bed at home.
My wife and I fell out over it and she made it clear she had messaged the friend saying how I felt, and they were both messaging each other angrily about me. I asked her to tell me the messages. She refused, so I messaged the ‘friend’ myself, and as you could imagine, I didn’t hold back. When I woke the following day I had a massive message from her, which still to this day I’ve never read. I didn’t need to see what the message was, and I felt like I’d said everything I needed to say. I did message her and I said please don’t think I don’t appreciate the help you gave me when I came home from hospital, because I am grateful for that. And I left it at that.
Since then, she has distanced herself from my wife, ghosting her, making my wife feel unwanted. Which again is hard for me to get my head around.
So my wife decided to go onto discord poly groups and get back onto the apps. She started meeting people and then regularly started meeting one man.
I’ve been very open with her, as she has with me. I ask questions. We talk about her dates. I’m genuinely interested, and keen to see her happy. I feel like I’ve come a long way since the start of this new journey.
Anyway, back to what I said above. She started meeting one guy regularly. They meet every week. I told her what I expect, protection EVERY SINGLE TIME, no matter the act. She agreed with this.
I came home one day after she had been to his house and I just felt awkward and weird. I’m an adult; I know what happens when two are in a house alone. We had a big awkward conversation and she said she didn’t feel the need to use protection for ALL acts, if you get my drift, without going into too much detail. This concluded with me saying I wasn’t happy and this again isn’t ethical. She said she would take this on board.
Throughout this whole journey, she has always said this won’t affect us, affect our marriage, affect our sexual life, and I should be happy that she is happy.
For the past month, she hasn’t kissed me unless I initiate it. She hasn’t been close to me unless I initiate it. So when I had a chat with her I told her how this is all making me feel. I asked her verbally if anything sexual has happened. She kept saying, 'We haven’t had sexual intercourse.' This went on for about 5-6 times, when she finally said, 'Yes, there has been sexual encounters.'
She had always told me this would never affect us or how we are sexually, but it’s evident it has. I broke down to her and said she is making me feel unattractive and unwanted, and this is what she promised wouldn’t happen if she takes the poly journey.
Last week was half term. We had a chat the week before that week, and she asked if I have a preference on what day she goes to see him. I asked her politely if she wouldn’t mind skipping a week, as I work in a school, so I am off work, and she works from home, so we can spend time together. She wasn’t happy about this, even though she sees him weekly. I ended up going back on my word and what I wanted and saying, 'Okay, go and see him Monday, then.' So that is what was planned.
She told me they were going to a gaming cafe. Then when she was getting ready to go, she said, 'I don’t know if we’re going to his house after, because he’s mentioned he has made a dessert.' I feel like going to his was always planned, but by her saying she didn’t know if she was, was a cop-out, not being honest. Anyway, he cancelled 10 minutes before she left because he had to get a plumber out.
We have been ‘close’ since I spoke to her, and she is initiating. But I can’t help but feel like she’s not doing it because she wants to, but because of what I said, which is, if this continues, then I’m out. I need to put myself first sometimes.
This lasted 2 days. She has now reverted back to not kissing or touching. She does want to cuddle, and tickle back/legs. But that’s it. I’ve tried to initiate kissing, but I’m getting pecks back. Last night she mentioned, ‘Hopefully we can be intimate soon.’ I feel like she’s saying the ‘right things’ because of what I had brought up, but it isn’t materialising into anything.
First, am I out of order for asking her to not plan something during the school holidays, where I only had a week off? (We also had plans with friends, so only really had 3 days off together.)
Secondly, am I overreacting her new relationship with this guy, due to my own insecurities?
I can’t help but feel unwanted, unattractive, insecure and jealous.
If anyone can help or give advice, all would be gratefully received. I’ll aim to respond if you have further questions. Thanks in advance.
