I'm new. Be gentle!

B

Bellygoddess

New member
Hi. I'm brand new here. I've been reading here and there, but I'm finally jumping in to the conversations. I know I will need some guidance as we navigate the waters of an open relationship.

I have been married for almost 18 years. 2 younger kids. Our foray into an open relationship is pretty backwards and I wouldn't be surprised if some of you will say "nah. It won't work". To be blunt, it stems from my cheating. I won't go into details now, but how we got here is through a lot of so searching and lots of honest conversations. We finally realized poly might have been something we should have looked into a long time ago, but we are here now.

I am seeing a man I met back in the summer. He lives several hours away and we see each other as life permits, which is every couple months, but we talk almost daily.

Husband and I are still trying to figure this stuff out and how it works for us, including deprograming our mono brains. (Poly is something we understand and believe in, but still have the societal "rules" imprinted in our brains) Interesting enough, husband and I have been closer since we decided to go this path than we have in years, mentally and physically.

I'm a pretty open person, and will open up more. Willing to answer most questions.

Thanks!
 
Greetings Bellygoddess,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like poly is doing you and your husband some good; I am happy for the both of you. Hopefully Polyamory.com will help clear up any concerns you may have going forward. If you have any questions let us know.

The man who lives several hours away, do you think there's any chance he will eventually move to live closer to you? I'm just curious.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Welcome, Bellygoddess. I've only been here a couple of months myself, but have found everyone to be very welcoming and helpful - with lots of advice and information.

While I am new to the forum and to poly, I have done quite a bit of reading here and elsewhere about the subject - and from what I have read that evolving to poly from cheating is not all that unusual. I am quite certain that you are not alone. :)

My wife asked me to open our marriage a couple of months back (complete story in Introductions section - "Unexpected Poly") so she could explore her resurgent feelings about an old college bf. While I was very unhappy about it at first, I did accept it for the sake of our family and for her happiness - and while I am still not ready to say that I think it was all for the best - so far, she has been happier and our marriage has been better (and the sex hotter).

Again, welcome - you will find lots of advice and information here.

Best,

Al
 
Thanks for the warm welcome. It helps me be put at ease.

I will have to look around and find some success stories of people who became poly post indiscretions. We have looked through a few of the suggested books, and they have said that poly being successful post cheating isn't common. Not looking at odds, but still... I do feel we have a good shot at being successful. We have 20 years of history supporting us. *fingers crossed*

Someone asked if the man i'm seeing could move closer... no. He can't. His work keeps him where he is. And... *deep breath* he is married. We found each other online this past summer when he was near me for work, but that was a short-term assignment. Anyway, it's a little messy, I admit. But we are working through it. All of us, but husband and me especially.

The tough part, right now, is mostly on my husband's shoulders. He's still trying to work out his feelings about me and this other guy. Mainly, he's the one I was with when husband found out i was seeing someone else. There is still pain there. But he's slowly coming to accepting it and we (husband and i) hope he will find compersion..is that right term? But as i have quickly learned, for the better, that looking into the poly world has made us a lot more open and honest. As husband even said "if we had looked into this 10 years ago, we would have been in a completely different place!" (for the better)

Anyway... that's sort of a start, right?
 
Yes, that's a decent start. Just take things one step at a time, and you'll be alright.
 
The tough part, right now, is mostly on my husband's shoulders. He's still trying to work out his feelings about me and this other guy. Mainly, he's the one I was with when husband found out i was seeing someone else. There is still pain there. But he's slowly coming to accepting it and we (husband and i) hope he will find compersion..is that right term? But as i have quickly learned, for the better, that looking into the poly world has made us a lot more open and honest. As husband even said "if we had looked into this 10 years ago, we would have been in a completely different place!" (for the better)

Anyway... that's sort of a start, right?
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I would say that is a start - and it seems like you both have a positive attitude - which undoubtedly will be very helpful. Yes, it will take some work for your husband since he is also dealing with feelings of betrayal - but the fact that he is willing to look at poly under those conditions is positive. In our case, my wife asked me to open the marriage so she could pursue her feelings about her bf, Ben - and was willing to wait for "my blessing" before having sex with him. I did eventually get to the point of a paradigm shift where I did just that - but it took a lot of processing (including a lot of reading on this forum) and discussion with my wife, Becky. I believe the fact that - although I would have preferred that the situation had never arose - I was "willing to work to get that point" and even wanted to get to that point for the sake Becky's happiness and family harmony - made it possible to do so. I believe that the willingness (in spite of any reservations) is the key - and it sounds like he may have the potential to achieve that willingness.

Becky's first overnight (she also has a long distance relationship with Ben - so we have a general guideline of an overnight a month - which they are are hoping to work into their business travel as much as possible) was about a month ago, a few weeks after we first began to talk about it. By that time, I had achieved quite a bit of acceptance and experienced some true compersion for her on her first overnight - and made it through the night just fine. Since then, we have come to talk about Ben almost like family. When she was a bit stressed over a situation with him this past weekend (in preparing for their second overnight later this week - we joke about about how much Valentine's sex she is going to get this week from her two men) - I suggested she go in the bedroom and call him (even though she usually doesn't call when we are home together). She laughed and said that she never would have believed - even a year ago - that her husband would be encouraging her to make up with her bf. Nor would I have! But we did get there - by lots of discussion, and remaining committed to having a positive attitude, and avoiding negativity and arguing about it.

And... *deep breath* he is married
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Becky's bf says he is in a DADT open marriage. I have met him (the three of us met for coffee early on in the discussions - we happened to be traveling through his town) - and Becky and I both believe he is telling the truth and that he is not simply having an affair with Becky - but we both feel that if he is, that is on him. It would, of course, be Becky's decision on how to handle it - if she found out different. I have seen varying opinions about poly folks (who are honest with their partners) dating married folks who are hiding it from their spouses - but it really comes down to how you feel about it.


Again, welcome!

Al
 
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Thanks Al! True story, when I read your intro and posts, I thought maybe you were my husband, shifting things slightly to "disguise" himself. Lol. Your situation and ours seem to be full of similarities. I am happy you found that shift, the compersion. I hope hubby will find his too, soon. Not for me so much as just to let himself feel better all around. He was trying to force it a little before, but not now. He's smarter than that. :) but yea...I hope he can feelmore at ease soon. Also, maybe start toying withe the idea of finding someone for himself.

I might write in another area about this more...but I am supposed to see...the other guy...(still not sure of what to call him, in general), this weekend. We are both very excited to finally see each other after several months, but I am starting to feel a tinge of anxiety. I have been worked up worrying about how husband feels, that it's weird that I'm starting to get anxious. This will be the first time, sort of, seeing each other with husband's full knowledge and "ok." You'd think there wouldn't be any weight on my shoulders, but I'm feeling a tiny bit. Did your wife experience something similar?
 
Also, maybe start toying with the idea of finding someone for himself.
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Becky told me at the very beginning that I was welcome to have a gf as well - of course, easier said than done - but still just hearing that did add to the reconciliation process, even though I do not have any current intention of finding a gf - it might be a possibility down the road if things work out with Becky and Ben in the long terms (giving it a few months first, before I even think about it - just to make sure). I'm glad to hear that hubby is looking at the idea - might help him make the adjustment.

but I am starting to feel a tinge of anxiety. I have been worked up worrying about how husband feels, that it's weird that I'm starting to get anxious. This will be the first time, sort of, seeing each other with husband's full knowledge and "ok." You'd think there wouldn't be any weight on my shoulders, but I'm feeling a tiny bit. Did your wife experience something similar?
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Once I was able to make the paradigm shift that allowed me to accept the situation (especially in regard to a sexual relationship) - I made it a point to try to be as positive as possible for her. My philosophy was (is) that while poly may not be my first choice - if this is the path that we are going to take, then I would do my best to make the best of it - "anything worth doing is worth doing right" (lol...) So, once the decision was made - and I suggested that she turn their upcoming dinner date with no sex into an overnight (with all the sex they could handle) - I made it a point to be as encouraging as possible. So, to answer your question - by the time Becky left for her trip, I believe she had very little worry about me being able to handle it. I'm sure that she may have some anxiety about my state of mind, but it was overshadowed by her own anxiety over sleeping with Ben. Although they had a couple of short meetings prior to the overnight (lunch once, and coffee once - while we were in his town for a few days), she had not had sex with him since college - and was a bit self conscious(concerned that she was not as hot as she had been in her college days). I found myself in the odd position of having to reassure her that Ben would still find her sexy and attractive and very much want to make love to her, and that she should let go of the anxiety and go enjoy herself.

My two cents worth (husband's perspective) - do your best to reassure you husband that you love him, the bf is not a threat to your marriage, is not replacing him (just "an addition to")... and be very affectionate, loving, and sexual with him in the days before you go to see your bf. Becky did a great job with these things - and it really helped.

Best,

Al
 
I am in my first poly relationship, I have been dating a woman for 17 months. I am married to a man, we have two kids, also! The three of us are all sexual partners, but I have individual emotional relationships with each of them. I am finding that there is typically lots of ground to cover in poly life, mostly through discussion, about anything and everything. We made a mistake of not being more clear about expectations, what's ok/not ok, my girlfriend and I, in the beginning. Not in regards to my husband, but in regards to the two of us bringing in new persons. (he works so much, he says all he can handle is two women, so he has not brought in anyone.)
You also may meet people on here that are convinced that they know what to tell you, what's "right", blah blah blah. It's like giving someone advice on how to be pregnant. Or how to have a baby. This is YOUR story!! If anything, gentle suggestions and guidance should come your way, not a blind assessment of who you are. Mwah!!!!!
I'm a newbie, too. <3
 
Welcome Belly! I don't have a lot of time to post right now, but I also was not faithful and later came to realize I was breaking down because I was just so unhappy being monogamous.

I'll take more time to read your story soon and hope we can talk. I'm having a lot of struggles now, two years later.

Also, I don't think people should judge. We all make mistakes. We all mess up. We all do things we realize later were poor choices, but emotions often drive us to do them.

Anyway, hit me up! I'll be around more I promise!
 
Wow. Thanks guys!! I am feeling the love and warmth you all are sending!! Thank you!

This is such an exciting endeavor for us to explore. Weight has been lifted off our shoulders, too. And I am excited of possibilities for both of us.

And you all are really great!
 
You say your bf is married. Is he poly? I am guessing not? How do you and your husband feel about being involved in facilitating him in cheating on his wife, just after dealing yourselves with the bad feelings around your own betrayal? Is there a disconnect there?

As it stands now, it isn't polyamory, which is defined by having more than one partner/lover with the knowledge and consent of ALL involved. His wife is unaware and hasn't consented to this. Her own sexual and emotional safety and health is being compromised by the choices of 3 other people, 2 of whom she doesn't even know exist. (Even if, as in some cheating affairs, the original couple is no longer having sex, they would probably prefer their spouse not be having sex that they know nothing about.)

So, coming out of cheating yourself, there is still cheating going on right next to you, in fact, you are the cause of it. It's a bit of bad karma, isn't it? What if the wife or her community finds out?

The members here can judge without being judgmental. Sometimes outsiders can see the forest for the trees better than the players, who can be almost too close to the situation. Of course, sometimes we don't have enough information to judge and offer advice perfectly, but we mean well or we wouldn't bother taking the time to type something out.
 
Bellygoddess said:
...
I will have to look around and find some success stories of people who became poly post indiscretions...
Click to expand...

"Post indiscretions" would describe the start of our current V. You can read my "Journey" blog if you are interested - the relevant part starts at Post 19.
 
Rather than searching for "indiscretions," you might word search or tag search "poly and cheating."
 
Hi Bellygoddess,

Your intro story is similar to mine in that we started from monogamy and entered into polyamory in order to accomodate an affair. I didn't include "cheating" as a tag in my post, but used "affair".

Your significant other is a better person than I. I'm afraid I could not handle my jealousy despite my best intentions initially. In hindsight, there are things my wife and I could have done differently.

I do not wish to put a damper on your story, but you might learn something from my failure that might keep yours afloat. I sincerely wish you and your V all the very best. Well done. I know how hard this can be. And a special well done to your partner. What the three of you have done is said to be impossible. Al99 called it in an earlier reply. You may not recognise just how difficult this is for your partner. My suggestion is to constantly reinforce your love for both the legs of your V and reaffirm how lucky you feel to be with someone who is able to do this for you.

Can I ask please for an update on your situation? I like feeling compersion for others, even those I don't know in real life. What's it like now? How do you overcome jealousy? Specifically, how does your primary partner overcome jealousy?
 
Shaya, you can do a tag or word search for jealousy. It might be the most common issue on the board.

I am more concerned for the ethics around a married person dating someone else who is married (or not married and living together) and the spouse doesn't know he or she has started seeing someone behind their back.

But in our mono normative society, many many people suspect their spouse is having an affair, and choose to turn a blind eye, and keep up the pretense of monogamy to avoid the "shame" of their spouse desiring more than one partner. It does kill intimacy though. And there is a lot of sneaking around. Which some people find exciting apparently.
 
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