I'm newly poly, is there room for relationships + promiscuity?

J

Jaytree

New member
I arrived at polyamory from a place of sexual exploration. I hadn't intended on being here at all, although I knew monogamy would no longer suit me. But then I met a man who is poly and I began to learn about it. I am now in a relationship with that man (who has a primary) and beginning another one with another poly man (who also has a primary). I also have a strictly sexual relationship with another man.

Since I came to poly at a point in my life when I was being very promiscuous/slutty, it has been a challenging shift for me to to begin thinking about being responsible for others in my decisions about sex. I am unlearning many patterns and learning new behaviours, including very open communication. The communication required by poly relationships is new to me but I love that aspect of it and am embracing it the best of my ability. But I still have a desire to be a bit promiscuous and explore with sex with a variety of partners.

If I engage in sex with a new partner, that decision potentially impacts a great number of people. Not just in terms of STIs but also potentially emotionally if something unsettling happens. Of course I would be open about everything but I'm thinking specifically if I met someone and hooked up and it was more or less a one night stand so there wouldn't be time to discuss it with all involved.

So I'm wondering, is there room for promiscuous behaviour in poly relationships? Or does being poly forfeit spontaneous sex with new partners? Does making a decision to have sex in a one night stand equal irresponsible behaviour and does it reflect uncritical decision making behaviour, which is inherently unsettling to poly relationships?

Ultimately, I guess I'm wondering if this is the end of my sluttiness? Do I need to 'be responsible' now and only stick to my carefully vetted partners? I feel like I've answered my own questions, but I would appreciate a conversation.
 
Short answer - yes.

Medium answer - it depends on your agreements with your partners and how you all have decided/agreed to manage your poly relationships.

Longer answer - I am poly, and a tramp! I was a tramp before I was poly and really never made any sincere effort to change that. Some of my relationships are purely sexual, others are FWBs, others are romantic - and, aside from "safer sex" agreements, I reserve the right to decide, for myself, what I do with my own body. Has this lead to tension in some of my relationships? At times. We communicate and acknowledge preferences - I have, at times, agreed to "closing" aspects of relationships for a limited amount of time and slowing down my "whorish ways" (temporarily) to give a new partner time to "catch-up and adjust" to my version of poly - or decide it is not their cup of tea.
 
I feel that I depends on the boundaries within your existing relationships. For example, my husband and I do not have a need to "approve" of each other's partners, but we do need to abide by our boundary regarding safer sex, meaning condoms must always be used. So, for us, one night stands are fine, unprotected sex is not. Every relationship, though, is different, and those boundaries may change when and if we engage in committed relationships with others.
 
First of all, there is no rulebook which dictates that polyamory must be conducted a certain way (despite what some might tell you). There are so many ways to engage in and manage multiple relationships!

Yes, one can "be" poly or practice poly with whatever number of steady ongoing partners AND also have other more casual liaisons and/or flings and one night stands. If you can fit being a slut into your poly life and be happy about it, why not? You are in charge of your body and how you express your sexuality - no one else is.

Curtailing your activities in deference to an ongoing, more "committed" type of partnership is a choice you would have to make, based on whether or not doing so would meet your needs. If an ongoing partner dislikes your having casual sex, that fact alone doesn't automatically mean that they have a say about whether or not you can engage in it. However, if you and a partner agree to limit that kind of thing or "close" your relationship, then the ethical thing to do is to stick to your agreements and be a good girl, LOL.

So, it all depends on how you and your partners want to approach managing multiple relationships and whether that includes more casual lovers, FWBs, etc. I believe that each person, whether poly or mono, needs to develop their own set of personal boundaries about what works for them in relationship, rather than making rules for other people to follow. For example, one of yours might be "I will not tolerate a partner attempting to limit my casual sexual interactions nor dictating how I express my sexuality." Then, if you wind up getting flak or any kind of protest or bullying from an ongoing partner about your casual sex practices, you have a choice to either dump them or adjust your boundary, if the relationship is important to you. It's always better to look at things from the perspective of making your own choices, I think, rather than bending to someone else's will or trying to appease someone by doing something you don't really want to do. You can make your own happiness that way.
 
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Thanks everyone for your input! You've given me lots more to work with as I sort out what I want and what my priorities are. This poly stuff requires a wonderful exploration of self! ;)
 
I went through a period of time where I could be described as discriminatingly promiscuous. :) I was married only to DarkKnight, and his only stipulations were that I use common sense and protection. I used both condoms and my diaphragm at every sexual encounter. Still, I made sure to get tested every month.

When I met PunkRock, he asked if I could be just exclusive with him, while we were getting to know each other, so I agreed to that. Later, when we decided we were going to get married, he told me he didn't like the idea of me being promiscuous. I wasn't really into random encounters, so deciding to just stay polyfi for a while was ok with me.

Now that I am dating WarMan, I am again not interested in any other sexual relationships. I can't imagine having the time, honestly! Between the 3 partners, I am at capacity. lol
 
Hi Jaytree,

In Wiktionary promiscuous means "indiscriminate in choice of sexual partners" and indiscriminate means "without care or making distinctions, thoughtless." Using those definitions, promiscuous behavior is probably a bad idea in any relationship model. One should certainly exert thought and care into deciding whom one will have sex with. Beyond that, though, there's no rule in poly that says you can't (also) have one-night stands and stuff. As long as all your partners consent to it, go for it. Just use a condom as appropriate!

My 2¢,
Kevin T.
 
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