I'm not ALLOWED to go

[himherandme]

My gf has always had issues or experienced anxiety when me and my bf are together. I've been with him longer and he was my primary until we temporarily broke up. We are presently working out a few kinks and things have really been going smoothly.

However, my gf still goes through jealousy when me and him are together. She always wants me to run things by her and basically ASK if it's okay to go on any dates. I understand keeping her in the loop so things don't get scheduled on conflicting days, but I feel like she may take it to the extreme. For example, today me and her had no plans. He invited me to basketball game and bought the tickets. I ran it by her to make her feel included and to ease her stress, but she told me "I'm not comfortable with you going. It's too last min." She is also married with two kids. She goes home to her husband everyday. I feel like I have to deal with her relationship, why can't she dea with mine?

Another example, I told her me and bf plan on getting married and getting a house together this year. Me and him are high school sweethearts so even though we were together for so long, we started dating at a very young age. We've made our mistakes, but have grown significantly over the years. We lived together but have since agreed that when we move in together again, we will only do so once married. She told me she hopes I will do all of this (get married and live together) when she's a little more comfortable with it. To test my understanding, I asked her a hypothetical (but realistic) scenario...if we wanted to get married in August and move in afterwards, what would happen. She said she wouldn't be okay with it.

She suffers from depression and sometimes makes me feel bad for wanting to grow and repair my relationship with him and always says I'm not being mindful of her feelings. We had a huge fight which resulted in her crying for hours and conveniently telling me that we need to meet up to talk about something in her past that is bothering her. Today. Of all days. (Despite being together all day yesterday) I was able to talk to her about what was bothering her from her past but I basically TOLD her that I was going to the game, that her feelings aren't the only feelings involved. I thought she was getting better with dealing with the progression of me and his relationship, but now I feel like we've taken 10 steps back.

I love her very much as she is the only girl I've ever fallen in love with. I try to clear things with her days in advance and always make sure she feels like she's not pushed to the side, but at this point I don't know how to make her not be so dependent on me and anxious when I grow closer with him. I'm not saying that she uses her depression card because I know that is a very serious mental illness. But even today, she told me I'm not being here for her because I rather go to a game and see her hurt than just stay home and talk her through her feelings. I don't want to seem heartless but I also don't want to fall back into this habit where I cancel on him because she's having an episode (as she calls it).

Was I wrong to dismiss her feelings and go anyways?

 

[GreenAcres]

No, you were not wrong.

I understand she has depression and anxiety, but none of her actions are appropriate. She can feel her own feelings, but she needs to learn to manage those feelings as her own. She does not own you, and she should not control you. Especially given she is married, and presumably doesn't have to clear everything she does with her husband and children with you (let alone days ahead of time), and that I'm betting you can't tell her "no, sorry, can't go home to/on vacation with/to a movie with your husband. I am uncomfortable with that."

You need to start establishing some boundaries for yourself and your relationships that take your own needs into consideration.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi himherandme,

Although it is a gray area when we talk about who needs to get consent from whom and when, in this case I think your girlfriend was pushing too far in telling you not to go to the basketball game. By the way, is she seeing a therapist for her depression? and/or taking meds for it? Indeed it's a serious condition and as such, needs professional care.

I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[himherandme]

Especially given she is married, and presumably doesn't have to clear everything she does with her husband and children with you (let alone days ahead of time), and that I'm betting you can't tell her "no, sorry, can't go home to/on vacation with/to a movie with your husband. I am uncomfortable with that."

You need to start establishing some boundaries for yourself and your relationships that take your own needs into consideration.

Thank you for your reassuring words. It's refreshing to hear that I'm not being insensitive. Unfortunately I have used that same logic in our arguments..."how would you feel if I told you you can't do xyz." Her response is always "if you told me you were uncomfortable with it, I wouldn't do it." I never require her to ask me anything, in fact, I encourage her to spend more time because she's too dependent on me (in my opinion). Her husband was out of town and she asked me if her and her kids could take him to dinner when he got back. I told her "you don't have to ask, you know I'm cool with whatever!!! Have fun!" But I feel like she asks me just so she can feel validated when she makes me ask. If that makes sense.

 

[himherandme]

By the way, is she seeing a therapist for her depression? and/or taking meds for it? Indeed it's a serious condition and as such, needs professional care.

I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thank you! I do want to try to tread softly since it is such a gray area, but I also don't want to make it seem like she has all the power and begins to dictate the rate at which me and my bf progress, every single move we make.

That's too much power for one person.

She is not seeing anyone. She was going to one therapist (twice to be exact) and she stopped because she felt like she didn't need to go. She's on medicine but her problems are deeply rooted, open wounds that still create problems in her daily life. I've tried to help her find a therapist that she likes, but no luck so far. I'm not sure if she's nervous or thinks the medicine is all she needs (this is more likely the case since she's been to many therapists throughout her life). However, I can't be her therapist. I have no issue being there for her but it's come to a point where she only confides in me. No other friends or her husband. She even asked "why can't you just be my therapist?" I'm not qualified or experienced. I don't know how to teach her coping mechanisms. I'm going to continue to help her find a therapist to hopefully get the professional help I can't provide her.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I don't see where you dismissed her feelings. You simply set a boundary. You see she wants to process stuff. No, you are not willing to do it right now. You are going to a game.

She is free to find another way to process or she can make a date with you to process later. It's not the end of the world. She could call a friend, write in her journal, take a walk, etc. SHE has to do her own stress management and exercise her coping skills. Not blow up at you and want you to deal with it for her.

She does not ask to have depression. I get that. But it is still her patient responsibility to do her patient jobs to manage her condition(s) so it does not get in the way of her living ordinary life. If her depression thoughts are coloring her outlook? She needs to do her patient management stuff. Not get into fights with you. It is one thing for her to ask for your help. It's another for her to expect YOU to do her stuff for her. Be it emotional management, stress management, patient management, etc.

You having a date with BF is not you doing things TO her. If she thinks it is? It's HER wonky thinking at fault here and it's her job to address her wonky thinking with her depression counselor.

She always wants me to run things by her and basically ASK if it's okay to go on any dates. I understand keeping her in the loop so things don't get scheduled on conflicting days, but I feel like she may take it to the extreme.

Could reaffirm your boundary when it comes up.

• Yes. You are willing to let her know calendar things when things might affect your plans with her.
• No. You are not willing to run ALL your calendar things by her to ask her permission. YOU are in charge of your calendar. She is not your parent or micromanager.

(You + BF) plan the (you + BF) dates. She doesn't need to be involved in that.

You did not have any plans with her today. He asked you to a game he had tix for. You wanted to go. Why not just GO? You going to a game with him would not bump into any plans with her.

If you telling her you are going to a game results in her making drama to take up your time and try to stop you from going? Learn from the experience and STOP giving her the heads up. Then she has no data to make new drama with.

What do you think she would have done if you just went to the game without telling her?

1) She wouldn't even know and wouldn't get all worked up. (win for you)

2) She would have a cow for you NOT telling her ahead of time. (small cow, but AFTER the game, so still win for you. You get to go to the game cow free. If you cannot have zero cows here? Go for small cows rather than big ones.)

I have a parent with Alzheimer. Giving him a heads up is no good. He will not use the extra time to prepare and deal. He just uses the extra time to "what if?" wonky thinking in his brain and cranks himself up and has a BIG ol' cow.

I find it easier to just not tell him things (skip the cow) or if I tell him, just the day before. Then he doesn't have time to blow up TOO big of a cow. I just deal in smaller cows.

I know it is not the same condition, but I think you could try similar. You could change your behavior and STOP giving her the heads up. It is YOUR calendar and YOUR day off. Go do whatever you were gonna do without giving her notice. See if that helps you have less drama.

She even asked "why can't you just be my therapist?" I'm not qualified or experienced. I don't know how to teach her coping mechanisms. I'm going to continue to help her find a therapist to hopefully get the professional help I can't provide her.

To me that is a red flag. Two of them.

You could set a strong boundary there and tell her "No. I cannot be your therapist. Stop trying to make me be that." and set a limit for YOU to obey. When she tries to make you be that? Say "No, thank you. This seems to require a therapist. I am not a therapist. I suggest you make an appointment and deal with this that way." and then STOP talking about the thing with her, whatever it is.

It is NOT your job to set her appointments for her or find her therapists for her. Otherwise all you have done is given her a new way to hog up all your time and attention and a new way for her to skip doing her jobs. You could find therapist after therapist and she could shoot them all down because this one is too far away, this one is too blond, this one has too many plants in the office, lalalala. She hogs up all your time and energy so she's happy being the center of your focus. Meanwhile all you get is the never ending chore.

Could let HER jobs be HER jobs. Let HER secure her own therapist.

Are you having a romance here with her? Or are you her patient caregiver? That's two VERY different kinds of relationships. You might want to step back and review that.

You may have to set a boundary of "Are you doing your patient care? Great. We can schedule a new date!"

If she is NOT doing her patient management jobs, you do NOT set up a new date til she is doing her patient care. Because then you risk her turning the date into her therapy appointment.
That can get super draining and you sound pretty burnt out as it is.

Something has to change and I think it has to be YOU in YOUR behaviors even if she changes none of hers.

Unfortunately I have used that same logic in our arguments..."how would you feel if I told you you can't do xyz." Her response is always "if you told me you were uncomfortable with it, I wouldn't do it."

BELIEVE her then. Tell her you are not comfortable with her wanting you to run everything on your calendar by her and asking her permission. So she can stop expecting that. You are in charge of your calendar. You will let her know if things conflict. Stop trying to micromanage your calendar.

Have consequences YOU can do if she doesn't respect your limit.

Galagirl

 

[KC43]

I have depression and anxiety. And because of those, and crap from my past, I battle insecurity and poor self-esteem on an almost daily basis.

But there is no way in hell I would consider it appropriate for me to ask Hubby or Woody not to do something or not to go somewhere just because of my issues. I might ask them to reassure me that they love me and what they do/where they go won't negatively impact our relationship, but I would never try to prevent it. It isn't my place to run their lives, only to manage my emotions and reactions and ask for help and support from them if I need to. (And it isn't my place to *expect* that help or support... I get it when I ask, and I think in large part that's *because* they know it isn't expected, only appreciated.)

 

[IndieSolo]

Himherandme, did you used to post here under another username? If so, what was it - do you recall? Your story sounds very familiar. Didn't you have a thread about your girlfriend not allowing, or requiring you to ask permission for, you to have sex with your boyfriend -- and you actually stopped having sex with him for a while, for her -- maybe a year or two ago?

 

[AJM]

It sounds like there's a double standard here. You need to have a direct talk with her and set ground rules and expectations.