tryingmybest
New member
I hope this is ok to post in this forum ,
Firstly , I'm Ali , I'm trans man , (although questioning non binary identity) , I'm 18 , from the uk and I'm an lgbt/disability/mental health activist.
I'm poly... But I don't like polyamory.
I have been in a relationship with a fantastic guy for the past year on and off. I feel like this relationship has taught me so much, and helped me to grown into the man I am today.
He told me he was poly from the start, I didn't identify as poly then and I didn't really have too much of an opinion on it, at that time I was a secondary partner,( although I think he ideally wanted a triad, but about a month later his other partner left him, so I became his primary and for pretty much the rest of the relationship it's been 'monogamous'.
But I should probably explain that I have depression, borderline personality disorder and schizophreniform disorder. This makes me very unstable and probably a right pain in the ass to be with, but he's stuck by me , I've questioned why a thousand times , but he's always been there.
But over the last few months I've realised that I am also polyamorous, to cut a long story short , I'm in love with an ex , as well as him , and I love them both dearly.
But a big part of my disorders is paranoia ,delusion of persecution and intense fear of abandonment , and whilst I am perfectly happy loving two people (not necessarily in a relationship with them both. ) the thought of my partner seeing someone else makes my skin crawl,
I have already explained to him that my one really non negotiable thing is that I am not looking for a triad, I do not want a triad in any way, shape or form, even though part of me knows he probably wishes I would, and I won't say it could never happen but I highly doubt so.
My mental health issues are severe , recently I've been made homeless , I've had to quit mainstream education, and a few days ago , my partner and I decided to split for a while. So I can try and solve my issues.
And even though I know it is what's best , because it's not fair on him to expect him to be treated so hypocritically and cruelly by me.
It kills , I can't sleep at night , I don't wanna do anything and I'm worried I've lost the best thing that ever happened to me , and I know I've hurt him.
Of course jealousy is an issue in every poly relationship , but I am too jealous and exceptionally paranoid , I'm also extremely self doubting , the total opposite of what a poly relationship needs.
I worry I've lost him completely, that he won't come back this time .
And due to my conditions this may of course improve , but it will never disappear, and if I'm having a bad time it will increase tenfold.
I want to be with this man, and he wants to be with me, but I worry that with my mental health issues and the fact I'm not interested in a triad (even though he says he 'can do' primary and secondary etc) if I'll end up leaving him unsatisfied and unhappy.
Sometimes I feel like perhaps it would be better if I just stick to monogamy , but then I think of possible dilemmas if I fall for two people at the same time.
It sounds strange but I felt more comfortable as his secondary, I knew my place , I knew I was #2 , I could only gain him not loss him to someone else ( ps I know him having a partner(s) isn't losing him , but just for explanation.)
Firstly , I'm Ali , I'm trans man , (although questioning non binary identity) , I'm 18 , from the uk and I'm an lgbt/disability/mental health activist.
I'm poly... But I don't like polyamory.
I have been in a relationship with a fantastic guy for the past year on and off. I feel like this relationship has taught me so much, and helped me to grown into the man I am today.
He told me he was poly from the start, I didn't identify as poly then and I didn't really have too much of an opinion on it, at that time I was a secondary partner,( although I think he ideally wanted a triad, but about a month later his other partner left him, so I became his primary and for pretty much the rest of the relationship it's been 'monogamous'.
But I should probably explain that I have depression, borderline personality disorder and schizophreniform disorder. This makes me very unstable and probably a right pain in the ass to be with, but he's stuck by me , I've questioned why a thousand times , but he's always been there.
But over the last few months I've realised that I am also polyamorous, to cut a long story short , I'm in love with an ex , as well as him , and I love them both dearly.
But a big part of my disorders is paranoia ,delusion of persecution and intense fear of abandonment , and whilst I am perfectly happy loving two people (not necessarily in a relationship with them both. ) the thought of my partner seeing someone else makes my skin crawl,
I have already explained to him that my one really non negotiable thing is that I am not looking for a triad, I do not want a triad in any way, shape or form, even though part of me knows he probably wishes I would, and I won't say it could never happen but I highly doubt so.
My mental health issues are severe , recently I've been made homeless , I've had to quit mainstream education, and a few days ago , my partner and I decided to split for a while. So I can try and solve my issues.
And even though I know it is what's best , because it's not fair on him to expect him to be treated so hypocritically and cruelly by me.
It kills , I can't sleep at night , I don't wanna do anything and I'm worried I've lost the best thing that ever happened to me , and I know I've hurt him.
Of course jealousy is an issue in every poly relationship , but I am too jealous and exceptionally paranoid , I'm also extremely self doubting , the total opposite of what a poly relationship needs.
I worry I've lost him completely, that he won't come back this time .
And due to my conditions this may of course improve , but it will never disappear, and if I'm having a bad time it will increase tenfold.
I want to be with this man, and he wants to be with me, but I worry that with my mental health issues and the fact I'm not interested in a triad (even though he says he 'can do' primary and secondary etc) if I'll end up leaving him unsatisfied and unhappy.
Sometimes I feel like perhaps it would be better if I just stick to monogamy , but then I think of possible dilemmas if I fall for two people at the same time.
It sounds strange but I felt more comfortable as his secondary, I knew my place , I knew I was #2 , I could only gain him not loss him to someone else ( ps I know him having a partner(s) isn't losing him , but just for explanation.)
