I'm poly, dating a mono. Help?

[Nzlovergirl]

No, I'm not pissed off at all. I was just surprised at how vehemently everyone was that there was absolutely no way a person can come to understand and integrate poly ideas into their life.

I don't want him to change, and he has said he doesn't want me to do that either. But I know for a fact that although a person can always feel a pull towards the poly lifestyle, and then feel that they have been this way their whole lives, this person can still have a period of adjustment while they get their head around having to undo 25+ years of social conditioning.

When my husband first wanted to explore the poly lifestyle, I ended up having a breakdown. I didn't understand what it meant for us. CRIKEY, we had only been married a year, and here he was (in my mind) telling me that I wasn't enough. He wanted more, someone else to love, someone else to spend his precious time with.

With help, and guidance to resources and understanding, I was able to undo my conditioning. Sure, it took me almost 6 months. 6 months of almost constant breakdowns on my own, many questions and a little heartache. But then one day, what polyamory meant for me clicked, and this is where I am today two years later. Sure, I still get jealous, but now I know how to acknowlege it and find a way to get my needs met, either by myself or by asking for it. I've learned how to ask for it, and I've learned how to respect my husband's time with his girlfriend.

So, perhaps you didn't have the "answers" I was looking for, but I was not happy with the almost instant: LEAVE HIM NOW, etc. That? was not cool.

 

[Nzlovergirl]

Hey guys. Well, I guess I should have heeded the warnings given all those months ago. My boyfriend and I have just broken up.

I'd love to say that it was over something huge and momentous, something worthy of a broken heart. No, we broke up over the one thing that I knew would be a problem for him one day: my polyamory. There were other things involved, though. We’re both at university, so we are in deep there. He’s lost his entire support network: his best friend moved overseas. I moved in, pretty much spending 4 nights a week with him, and it was too much for him. And then I met someone new that I wanted to explore a connection with. He could not ‘allow’ this, and neither of us have the energy to fight anymore.

We have been at loggerheads for two weeks, but really our connection started to be frazzled about 6 weeks ago when his best friend left and I moved in. And then a week ago, he admitted to me that the connection from his end had been lost. The thing is, we still love each other. But that saying ‘Love is not always enough’ really works here.

This all happened yesterday. It was a mutual decision. We met in a park to see if we could discuss the things that could and could not be compromised on, but we got stuck on the one thing I could not compromise on: my polyamory. At the end of 40 minutes of discussion, we looked into each other's eyes and knew. He said it first: 'Well, I guess that’s that, then.'

Yesterday I took things easy. I watched a movie and some TV with Hubby, ate some chocolate, and relaxed.

Today, unfortunately I have to work, but it's ok. It's not like I have an in-depth, full of work job. But being here reminds me of him in the worst way. I met him through work. He used to visit me here. He used to pick me up from here. Everything reminds me of what we had that’s been lost. I even have a folder of emails that I wish I could bring myself to delete.

The thing that wounds me so deeply is that I feel like we’ve given up, and yet I know it’s the best choice for both of us. He can one day find a woman who can be his one and I will stop lying to myself. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.

I guess I'm putting this here because it's a little painful. How do I explain to my mostly monogamous social network that I've lost yet another piece of my heart? I know he'll look after it forever, but still, it's painful. Also, I kinda don't want them all looking on knowingly, thinking, 'Oh, she's broken up again with another guy.'

Was I wrong? Should I just have not gone there with a 'monogamous' person? Maybe, but you never know unless you try, right? He really is a wonderful person and I hope he can find his 'one.'

 

[noob]

I'm very sorry for the loss of your relationship. Even if it's for the best, it's hard, and you're hurting right now, so I just wanted to offer my condolences. ((hugs))

 

[saudade]

Weighing in

@NZ,

I'm sorry to hear how your relationship ended, and how you're feeling about it. I'm also proud of you for telling people outright that you were upset by people's vehement reactions to this thread.

Was I wrong? Should I just have not gone there with a 'monogamous' person? Maybe, but you never know unless you try, right?

You're right-- you never know unless you try, every damn time. One of my primaries had heard of poly, but hadn't ever thought about trying it until we started fooling around. Now he lives with my fiance and me, and we're all talking about buying a house and having kids in a few years.

Keep trying, NZ, and keep giving people the benefit of the doubt. There's a whole thread somewhere on this site about red flags, and you might read it if you want other's advice, but keep being honest and brave with your heart, either way.

Coincidentally, Redpepper:

I am not so sure that a poly relationship can be considered a long-term serious relationship when it's one's first.

Twig, who just got his forum account a few weeks ago, is in exactly that boat. I'd certainly consider our relationship a "long-term serious" one! RP, I know you probably didn't mean the statement harshly, but it certainly raised my hackles!

 

[irishjack]

Mmm, at least some parts of your story sound VERY familiar. I have only recently split from my lovely, beautiful, loving wife because I have come to the realisation that I am fundamentally poly. She, however, is entirely monogamous. As far as I could see it, the only options were for her to compromise on something she held as axiomatic - impossible - or for me to do the same - equally impossible. The result: I pushed her away and left her with my beautiful 16 month old (as of today) daughter. Brutal, heart-wrenching, destructive, but necessary and (I hope to god) better in the long run for all of us.

Imho: poly + mono = too-major-compromise-by-someone = destruction = death

 

[redpepper]

Redpepper, Twig is in exactly that boat. I'd certainly consider our relationship a "long-term serious" one! RP, I know you probably didn't mean the statement harshly, but it certainly raised my hackles!

I have no idea what I meant back in November. I can't remember what the topic was that made me think that. I certainly do think that relationships at any stage and age can be serious and considered for the long term.

I don't know what the context was when I said that, so I just thought I would clarify what I think now about that particular quote. As I said then, ("I'm not so sure.") I am always growing and learning and changing my mind as I learn new things and discover myself more. This forum is a good way to look back at where I was and how far I have come.

I'm sorry it gets your hackles up, but I suspect you are growing and learning too and would understand that.

Carry on. Thanks for the good read, folks.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

The thing that wounds me so deeply is that I feel like we’ve given up, and yet I know it’s the best choice for both of us. He can one day find a woman who can be his 'one,' and I will stop lying to myself. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.

{{{hugs}}} to you, girl.

I suspect this will strike a sensitive chord with many of us. Despite all our hopes and dreams, there are times we get reminded of what Love truly is, allowing, even encouraging, each other to pursue their greatest happiness in life, even when that happiness may NOT include us! Some painful sacrifice in pursuit of what we feel is some philosophical greater good. But it never feels that way at first, only much later.