I'm Polyamorous and my boyfriend is not.

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LunaLilith

New member
Hello, I am new here. I was hoping joining here would help me to connect with some like-minded people and solve some problems in my life, I don't know any polyamorous people in real life :/. I have read books on polyamory and the reason why I was attracted to reading the books was because I always felt this way towards relationships. Finally, something that said I am more than just a dirty slut that is never satisfied! Haha.
I've always had the feeling of wanting to be in close intimate relationships with more than one person at a time, and also I've always wanted to have children in more than a nuclear family, it just made sense to me. After I started reading about polyamory I told my boyfriend at the time that I wanted to have an open relationship, he didn't really like the idea but he didn't want me to break up with him so he pretended to be okay with it. While I was having relationships with other people I found other person that I really liked. I got really attached to him but he wanted me to be monogamous, I felt such strong feelings for him at the time that I agreed to be monogamous and I ended things with the other people I was involved with. He was so jealous he didn't even want me to hang out with them at all. This pretty much made it so I had no close friends anymore. I thought I could force myself to be like this if I loved him enough.
Long story short I ended up having a child with this person and after a couple years of being a monogamous family I still felt I was polyamorous at my core. I still felt attraction and urges to be with other people, and I really wish I could have had more people to help me to raise my child, I wish my child could have siblings even though I don't want to have anymore children. I talked to my partner about it, and he always said he couldn't do it. Eventually I started feeling like I was trapped and depressed and I started seeing another person anyway. I made a big mistake and cheated on him, eventually I ended up telling him what was going on because I hate lying. I think it just goes to show that you can only push down your self and your identity for so long before it forces itself out when you are too weak to fight it anymore. We ended up splitting for 6 months but we got back together, I love him and I like our family together.
The only thing that bothers me is I KNOW I am polyamorous and I am afraid he will never accept it. Again I find myself having thoughts of others, thoughts of being monogomous forever makes me feel so trapped, and unsure about our relationship and honestly it makes my sex life stale. Is it odd I have better sex with my partner when I am also having sex with others? I also had amazing sex right when we got back together and now it is not doing so well. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. Although I know I would never lie and cheat again, it makes me wonder if this relationship is sustainable, if I will eventually have to leave, and by staying with him I am just hurting it by dragging it on :/. I wonder if anyone else has ever had a monogomous partner that warmed up to the idea? I know I probably screwed up the chance I had by cheating on him. It doesn't help that the person I cheated with was a really good friend of mine and now my partner absolutely hates him and won't allow me to talk to him. So again I have lost a really close friend I still wish to communicate with but am forcing myself not to :/
I don't feel like it would be worth leaving to be polyamorous though, so I feel just really stuck

...what do you think?
 
If he's that possessive that you can't even hang out with anyone then I doubt he would be willing to open up the relationship. You've also shown him that you are willing to jump ship if you meet someone you really like (you left your boyfriend for him) so he's not going to feel very secure.

I was in your shoes, ex refused to let me date other men even though he'd been with other women. I begged for years, he always said no. He was very controlling and I did cheat and I did leave him for my now husband. I am much happier with someone who is down for an open marriage.

I was afraid that my ex would flip about my boyfriend but he just doesn't want me kissing him in from of our son (he doesn't want out son thinking that poly is acceptable ) if I were you I'd be concerned that if you choose to leave your boyfriend if he won't use your child to attempt to control your behavior.
 
People can warm up to polyamory. My husband was very against it at first - well, part of the reason might have been that i was in love with someone unsuitable. As a starter, might he be open to discussing your attraction to others? That is how we began. I did not cheat, for 4 years I kissed the guy twice and it was not kept from my husband. I knew I was probably polyamorous but I also knew that that is not the same as I have to sleep with more people - but I had to be open about my desire to do so. My husband thought he was going to be physically sick if I slept with another man. In time, he warmed up to the idea and even slept with a woman he was in love with.

Now we are three; me, husband and boyfriend and by the looks of it, this is how we are going to stay. I don't miss anything, exept kids. I plan to raise our future kids to thinking people can live their lives in different ways, and poly is one of those options.
 
Hi LunaLilith,

It seems to me that your feelings are very strong, so strong that they make your decisions. You don't feel like you can leave your monogamous partner, even if it's the move that makes the most sense. And maybe someday, your poly feelings will be so strong that they'll overpower your devotion to this man. Then you'll cheat on him, leave him, or both. But again it's your feelings that are calling the shots.

The situation you're in now is an emotional pressure cooker. The pressure will increase until the cooker explodes. If you could remove yourself from the situation, the pressure would recede and you'd be safer, more secure. But you can't remove yourself from the situation because your feelings won't let you. :(

What can we do to help?
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Is this how it goes? Please correct me if I get it wrong.

  • You told BF1 at the time that you wanted to have an open relationship.
  • He didn't really like the idea but he didn't want you to break up with him so he pretended to be okay with it. (This did not strike you as a red flag? That he lied? )
  • You dated other people, and got really attached to a BF2. But BF1 wanted you to be monogamous. You agreed and ended it with others.
  • BF1 was so jealous he didn't want you to to hang out with them at all. This pretty much made it so you had no close friends anymore. (This did not strike you as a red flag? Isolation? And that rather than BF1 learning how to manage his own feelings appropriately, instead he expects you to behave/arrange the World in a way so he never feels anything yucky?)
  • I thought I could force myself to be like this if I loved him enough. (This did not strike you as a red flag? That you believe you have to "prove" your love to him? Rather than simply love? )
  • You and BF1 have a baby together.
  • Then you cheat on him. You don't like lying and you come clean about it.
  • You break up for 6 mos.
  • Rather than STAY broken up and enjoy no longer feeling trapped... you choose get back together and go back to putting yourself into a box? Even though the cheating experience taught you that you do not like living suppressed and "trapped in a box?" You feel happier NOT in a monogamous model?

Is this it? :confused:

It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me.
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The only thing I see that is wrong with your choices is that you keep trying to make it work with a person who is not poly. Rather than accept you are incompatible and move on to being coparents, and you date poly people instead. So you can be free of the whole "being trapped" thing.

it makes me wonder if this relationship is sustainable, if I will eventually have to leave, and by staying with him I am just hurting it by dragging it on :/.
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I think you pretty much call it:

  • It is not sustainable long term
  • You two are not compatible romantically.
  • Dragging it out is just dragging out the hurt. Hurts all of you longer that way than to end it clean now and move on to the healing part.

I think the healing place is a better place in which to linger.

You have spent enough time hurting. Doing more time there doesn't help anything. Don't linger in the hurting space.

I know I probably screwed up the chance I had by cheating on him.
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He also did his share in creating this situation -- by pretending to be ok with something he is not, isolating you from friends, etc. He sounds possessive of the relationship with you, rather than wanting what is healthy for each of you. So do you. Both of you sound like you are at the "I do not want to lose this romantic relationship" place rather than asking yourselves "what is the healthiest thing for each of the people here?"

I think you could value the health of the people higher than the shape of the relationship. You could allow the relationship shape to change to "healthy coparents" if that is a healthier fit rather than trying to cling to a "unhealthy romance" shape that just will not fly in a healthy way here. You cannot spend your whole life trying to force fit the square peg into a round hole. That's a good way to build resentments.

Had you both been more more firm about a desire to be in HEALTHY relationship together, I think you would not be in this situation now. It is not too late to change though.

I don't feel like it would be worth leaving to be polyamorous though, so I feel just really stuck
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Is it worth leaving so you can start living your life more healthy?
  • Live more honestly and authentically?
  • Stop feeling trapped and on a slow drain?
  • Stop being isolated and stop forcing yourself not to talk to people you want to talk to just so BF doesn't blow up at you?
  • Do you want to be modeling this for your child? That this is the best way for adults to behave and lead their lives so they can be happy, healthy, well balanced adults? :(

I think you would be best splitting up the romance for good. Become financially independent and learn how to be healthy coparents instead.

Frees him up to seek the mono partner he seems to want. Frees you up from being trapped in a box you really don't want to be in. Gives child healthy parents instead of unhealthy parents.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you have "to make up for the cheating" by serving more time in the box. Hurting yourself even MORE is not the way.

Move TOWARD actual healthier choices instead. The choices that make you feel healthy, vibrant, and alive. That would be my suggestion.

HTH!

Galagirl
 
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Galagirl, I think she left BF1 (who prefered to be ok with polyamory), and sticked with BF2, who is consistent of being monogamous. It doesn't change that much though.
 
I wasn't sure which one is which. But you are right -- it doesn't change things much who it is if the problem is being trapped in a relationship model that just does not fit.

Galagirl
 
You're not crazy

(Just wanted to reassure you a little.)
I have a partner who has warmed up to the idea of non-monogamy, then cooled on it, then warmed up again, etc.... So it's not impossible, and might even be worth it, even with the bumps and potholes.

Jealousy is a different thing altogether. People in monogamous relationships experience it too. I personally believe it shouldn't be tolerated in any relationship, ever. It has little to do with love, everything to do with insecurity, entitlement, patriarchy, coercion... But it's not like you can just tell your partner "Don't feel jealous!" Kathy Labriola has written a Jealousy Workbook that may help.

Is part of the problem feeling challenged or invalidated about being polyamorous? There's a slow drip of "monogamy's the only way" all through our society, and it can be crazy-making. I wouldn't tell you to insist on anything, but knowing you're not the only person who thinks this way may make you more comfortable with whatever compromises you make.
 
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