Hello! This is my first post here. I found this site while trying to find some resources on what I’m experiencing right now, but I prefer real lived perspectives over what anecdotal stuff says.
So, about a year ago, my friend, Tiana (36f) asked if I (24f) would be interested in sleeping with her husband, Steve (30m) who was/is one of my closest friends. So far, I’ve never been involved with polyamory, preferring casual FWB-type stuff, but am familiar with poly from my work in sex therapy (ironic, I know, but I often can’t see the forest for the trees.) Anyway, after consideration and an evaluation of their relationship and relationship rules and poly structure and general discussion, I agreed.
The first time Steve and I hooked up was quite lovely, with some expected stumbles and fumbles, since I was the first person he had been poly with. Tiana felt some jealousy, which she felt would be ameliorated by being a participant with us. I’m bisexual and also friends with her, so I was willing.
There was a bit of a misunderstanding, which led to a confrontation, that led to a period of less engagement between us. (I did this out of wanting them to put their relationship first, and work together to mend things without me as a contributing factor, but I was also very clear that the avenue of communication with regards to speaking to me about things was open.) Ultimately, it was later worked out in a manner I felt was a resolution. Steve and I made plans to meet up the next time I was out there. (This couple lives a state away, but my best friend, Chloe, lives out there, as well, so I often visit.)
We met up and hooked up. I checked back in with Tiana to see if she was feeling alright about things still. Steve and I ended up spending the rest of the day together, road-tripping to a national park we both wanted to see (again, with Tiana's permission, and what seemed like preference, since she said she wanted to spend the day with her boyfriend, Cameron.)
On the trip, Steve and I spoke very plainly about what had happened and expressed regret at the brief loss of closeness we experienced after our first dalliance. He shared some feelings that I had felt (missing him, enjoying the sex, and casual things as well, etc.) but I had not expressed such things, since I did not feel it was my place. Anyway, I’m back in my state and we have plans to meet up again the next time I'm out there.
Tiana recently shared with me that she has been feeling not particularly sexually attracted to Steve for a while, since before I was a potential partner, hence why she suggested opening things up in the first place. But since this could come as a threat to their immigration status, she has no intention of abandoning/breaking up with him. She asked if I would hold this information in confidence from him and advise her on the situation. I reluctantly agree to hold the information in confidence until she figured out how she wanted to tell him, but recused myself from offering advice, since I said I did not feel impartial enough to offer helpful insight, and I told her as much. I also said I felt bad keeping something that big from him.
Well, Tiana talked to Steve about it, but I’m not entirely sure where they ended up, and I don’t particularly feel as though that is my business. Of course, I worry for them. They are my friends of 4+ years. But she also told me in this confidence, that she feels a lot better broaching her feelings with him now that I am in his life as a support system outside of herself.
Steve has recently been seeing someone he met at their LARP group (Jade), and while it started as what seemed like a sugar momma thing (buying him dinner, snacks, clothes, etc.) it seems to be moving towards things being romantic. Jade (38) is lovely, although I don’t know what all she knows about me, since, again, I think his relationships that aren’t with me aren’t really my business.
I think the issue is this: my best friend Chloe recently explained to me that, based on how I talk about Steve, and experiences we’ve shared, it seems like I am in love with him. I agree with her assessment. I have been very emotionally detached from my previous sexual partners, but he is very close to me. We were good friends before Tiana suggested us hooking up. He currently says that I am his best friend. (I think it's odd he doesn’t list Tiana first, but again, not my relationship.) I know it sounds silly, but I don’t think I have ever been in love before, and so I wasn’t able to recognize it outside of: “It’s different from the others because we’re emotionally close, as well.”
This recent revelation, with regards to my feelings, came just before I found out that the three of them (Steve, Tiana and his tertiary partner, Jade) will be sharing a hotel room during some New Year's parties they’re going to soon. I felt very sad and defeated since, mentally, I’m drawing parallels with that situation to our threesome this past spring. I’m not sure, of course, whether or not anything is happening, and it’s really none of my business in the first place if it is, but these feelings are all very new to me. Especially since I've recently admitted to him (following much vulnerability on his part) that I was shocked to find him somehow behind a lot of the emotional walls I’ve put up in the past.
I told Steve that I've been working in personal therapy about my avoidant-attachment issues, just so he could have some perspective on why I act the way I do sometimes… And I have been. I feel like I’ve done him a disservice by somehow implying that his role is my life is less than what it is. It seems like just as soon as I'd gotten clarity on my feelings, and wanted to broach the topic of where we all want to end up, I’m now questioning my role and responsibility in things.
Any advice on where to proceed from here, or if I can elaborate on things for extra clarity, would be much appreciated. I've been working to find a poly-inclusive therapist outside of my personal therapist, but I live kinda rural, and many of the telehealth therapists are booked…
Tl;dr I’m feeling what I think is jealousy as a second in a poly relationship, after realizing the scope of my feelings, and am unsure what the intelligent, appropriate, and considerate course of action for all parties from here on out is.
So, about a year ago, my friend, Tiana (36f) asked if I (24f) would be interested in sleeping with her husband, Steve (30m) who was/is one of my closest friends. So far, I’ve never been involved with polyamory, preferring casual FWB-type stuff, but am familiar with poly from my work in sex therapy (ironic, I know, but I often can’t see the forest for the trees.) Anyway, after consideration and an evaluation of their relationship and relationship rules and poly structure and general discussion, I agreed.
The first time Steve and I hooked up was quite lovely, with some expected stumbles and fumbles, since I was the first person he had been poly with. Tiana felt some jealousy, which she felt would be ameliorated by being a participant with us. I’m bisexual and also friends with her, so I was willing.
There was a bit of a misunderstanding, which led to a confrontation, that led to a period of less engagement between us. (I did this out of wanting them to put their relationship first, and work together to mend things without me as a contributing factor, but I was also very clear that the avenue of communication with regards to speaking to me about things was open.) Ultimately, it was later worked out in a manner I felt was a resolution. Steve and I made plans to meet up the next time I was out there. (This couple lives a state away, but my best friend, Chloe, lives out there, as well, so I often visit.)
We met up and hooked up. I checked back in with Tiana to see if she was feeling alright about things still. Steve and I ended up spending the rest of the day together, road-tripping to a national park we both wanted to see (again, with Tiana's permission, and what seemed like preference, since she said she wanted to spend the day with her boyfriend, Cameron.)
On the trip, Steve and I spoke very plainly about what had happened and expressed regret at the brief loss of closeness we experienced after our first dalliance. He shared some feelings that I had felt (missing him, enjoying the sex, and casual things as well, etc.) but I had not expressed such things, since I did not feel it was my place. Anyway, I’m back in my state and we have plans to meet up again the next time I'm out there.
Tiana recently shared with me that she has been feeling not particularly sexually attracted to Steve for a while, since before I was a potential partner, hence why she suggested opening things up in the first place. But since this could come as a threat to their immigration status, she has no intention of abandoning/breaking up with him. She asked if I would hold this information in confidence from him and advise her on the situation. I reluctantly agree to hold the information in confidence until she figured out how she wanted to tell him, but recused myself from offering advice, since I said I did not feel impartial enough to offer helpful insight, and I told her as much. I also said I felt bad keeping something that big from him.
Well, Tiana talked to Steve about it, but I’m not entirely sure where they ended up, and I don’t particularly feel as though that is my business. Of course, I worry for them. They are my friends of 4+ years. But she also told me in this confidence, that she feels a lot better broaching her feelings with him now that I am in his life as a support system outside of herself.
Steve has recently been seeing someone he met at their LARP group (Jade), and while it started as what seemed like a sugar momma thing (buying him dinner, snacks, clothes, etc.) it seems to be moving towards things being romantic. Jade (38) is lovely, although I don’t know what all she knows about me, since, again, I think his relationships that aren’t with me aren’t really my business.
I think the issue is this: my best friend Chloe recently explained to me that, based on how I talk about Steve, and experiences we’ve shared, it seems like I am in love with him. I agree with her assessment. I have been very emotionally detached from my previous sexual partners, but he is very close to me. We were good friends before Tiana suggested us hooking up. He currently says that I am his best friend. (I think it's odd he doesn’t list Tiana first, but again, not my relationship.) I know it sounds silly, but I don’t think I have ever been in love before, and so I wasn’t able to recognize it outside of: “It’s different from the others because we’re emotionally close, as well.”
This recent revelation, with regards to my feelings, came just before I found out that the three of them (Steve, Tiana and his tertiary partner, Jade) will be sharing a hotel room during some New Year's parties they’re going to soon. I felt very sad and defeated since, mentally, I’m drawing parallels with that situation to our threesome this past spring. I’m not sure, of course, whether or not anything is happening, and it’s really none of my business in the first place if it is, but these feelings are all very new to me. Especially since I've recently admitted to him (following much vulnerability on his part) that I was shocked to find him somehow behind a lot of the emotional walls I’ve put up in the past.
I told Steve that I've been working in personal therapy about my avoidant-attachment issues, just so he could have some perspective on why I act the way I do sometimes… And I have been. I feel like I’ve done him a disservice by somehow implying that his role is my life is less than what it is. It seems like just as soon as I'd gotten clarity on my feelings, and wanted to broach the topic of where we all want to end up, I’m now questioning my role and responsibility in things.
Any advice on where to proceed from here, or if I can elaborate on things for extra clarity, would be much appreciated. I've been working to find a poly-inclusive therapist outside of my personal therapist, but I live kinda rural, and many of the telehealth therapists are booked…
Tl;dr I’m feeling what I think is jealousy as a second in a poly relationship, after realizing the scope of my feelings, and am unsure what the intelligent, appropriate, and considerate course of action for all parties from here on out is.
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