In a bit of a Predicament

[Sansydoodle]

So, I have this situation.. I moved across country with my girlfriend, from Texas to Ohio, to live with another couple who proposed we all move in together and have a 4 way relationship. We're very good friends with the girlfriend of said couple and had visited them out of state a few times up in Colorado before the boyfriend decided, hey, lets all move in together in Ohio. We were totally on board, especially because both of us had already developed a deep love interest for the girlfriend and she was feeling the same for us. So, the boyfriend did not know about this. This was before he specifically had purposed the idea of a 4 way relationship, before he had met us in person. But she had tried to hint at her being interested in having more than one partner and he got really upset right away. He has jealousy and possession issues with her. I said, I didn't think it would work out then, and I guess we'll just be friends. It was really depressing for me since my feelings for her were already really deep, but sometime after visiting and returning to Texas, she contacted me and said her boyfriend had just randomly discussed with her over lunch about how some countries have married couples who are involved with multiple partners.. He said that it couldn't just be anyone though. She said she was interested and if he knew anyone close enough that he would be comfortable with to do this and he immediately mentioned me and my girlfriend. So she talked it over with us and we immediately agreed. No one had to make it about sex, it could just be an emotional investment in each other, if we wanted. We were going to talk more once we got to Ohio, is what was said, but 2 months in and nothing. I didn't know until yesterday, but her boyfriend came to her maybe 2 weeks in and said, I don't feel comfortable doing the relationship and if you do anything with those two.. that would be cheating on me. Both my girlfriend and I feel lied to and betrayed by him. We had wanted this four way to work out and we left Texas, a place where I knew I was safe and had family... Despite this guy had his paranoia and possession issues over his girlfriend, I consider this guy to be pretty trustworthy. No one had known him to be otherwise. All we can think is that his paranoia took over again. He gets upset if his girlfriend isn't in the same room with him while he's home and expects her to go everywhere with him when he leaves the house. He apparently has PTSD, and maybe that contributes to his behaviors. Does anyone have any kind of advice..? He never even told my girlfriend and I that he didn't want to do this anymore and.. we really feel like we shouldn't be in the same house if we're not in a relationship. Unfortunately, we're kinda stuck here with no jobs atm. He had said that even if we didn't have jobs, he was ok being the sole provider. But then he kinda flipped that one on us as well and told his girlfriend he was upset that he was the only one working, despite us doing house work and taking care of a dog he bought that he doesn't really bother to mess with... I wake up at 5:30am every morning and take this puppy out on the hour, every hour. It is my job, because he apparently gets too focused in what he's doing in his room to remember to take care of it. No one else in the house remembers the dog, except me. And the boyfriend has complained to his girlfriend before a few times, when the dog was barking early morning and I ignored it out of depression. I don't like dogs, and I mentioned it more than once before they got it, though I said I was ok with it so long as they took care of it. The boyfriend said it would be all of our dog, so we'd equally take care of it. I was ok with this. There is just so much wrong right now, and I don't know what to do.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

You might get more readers if you edit and put some breaks in between paragraphs. It's hard to read a wall of text.

I'll be honest -- I'm surprised you guys just uprooted and moved IN with people just to try a quad.

Moving to where they are and dating them from your own separate apartment would have been surprise enough and also kinda fast. This is just even faster and puts you at their mercy since you don't know anyone there.

He gets upset if his girlfriend isn't in the same room with him while he's home and expects her to go everywhere with him when he leaves the house. He apparently has PTSD, and maybe that contributes to his behaviors.
Does anyone have any kind of advice..?

He doesn't sound all that healthy or reliable.

I suggest moving out to your own place in Ohio or moving back to Texas. Let him worry about his own health issues. You worry about YOU.

He never even told my girlfriend and I that he didn't want to do this anymore and.. we really feel like we shouldn't be in the same house if we're not in a relationship.

The communication here sounds wonky. I agree. Get out of this house.

Unfortunately, we're kinda stuck here with no jobs atm.

Sigh. This was a poorly planned move that leaves you as his dependents. Please don't ever do this again. For ANYONE.

Go slower -- if you want to move closer, do it from your OWN place with your OWN income. So if things go haywire you aren't stuck there like this again.

He had said that even if we didn't have jobs, he was ok being the sole provider. But then he kinda flipped that one on us as well and told his girlfriend he was upset that he was the only one working, despite us doing house work and taking care of a dog he bought that he doesn't really bother to mess with...

He is not reliable. Could ask your families for help going back home to Texas and call it lesson learned.

I wake up at 5:30am every morning and take this puppy out on the hour, every hour. It is my job, because he apparently gets too focused in what he's doing in his room to remember to take care of it. No one else in the house remembers the dog, except me.

Not your dog, not your responsibility. If this dog is neglected, could tell him to turn dog in so he gets a better home that will actually care for him. Then stop caring for the dog and do something else to help YOU.

And the boyfriend has complained to his girlfriend before a few times, when the dog was barking early morning and I ignored it out of depression. I don't like dogs, and I mentioned it more than once before they got it, though I said I was ok with it so long as they took care of it. The boyfriend said it would be all of our dog, so we'd equally take care of it. I was ok with this. There is just so much wrong right now, and I don't know what to do.

Go home to Texas is what I would do. Stop doing free dog care and get a job to pay for a ticket home if no one from home can send you one.

Could look at getting out of there. You don't sound like you have had a chance to make friends there yet. So you could look at getting out to a shelter?

I'm very sorry this is all wacky.

Be much more picky next time, ok?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Sansydoodle,

Going by your description, it sounds like you are stuck in this house in Ohio and will not be able to leave. You are kind of stuck in a position where you are the only one taking care of the dog, where if you are not there to do it, nobody will (even though getting the dog was his idea). It seems to me that you will not be able to fix the situation in the short term; therefore, you will have to start making plans for the long term. The first goal you must set for yourself is for you and/or your girlfriend to get a job in Ohio. So that the two of you may move out of that house, you will have money to do so. Then, the next goal would be to get (a) job/s in Texas, so that you and your girlfriend may move back to the area where you have the help and support of family and friends.

Once you are back in Texas, stay there. Do like GalaGirl said, take steps to not put yourself in a situation like this ever again. The next time someone invites you to live with them, take it in baby steps, get to know them first, move into their general area before moving into their actual house. You did not realize that the boyfriend was going to be dishonest, I understand that. That's exactly why you have to be super super careful when presented with an idea of cohabitation, you have to know the people really really well. Like, do some overnights at their house first before you commit. Get a closer look at what you're really dealing with.

Maybe the boyfriend can't help how he acts, but that does not mean he is not a toxic influence. I see no reason to believe that this four-way relationship will ever be a good thing, to me you just need to move out of there as soon as possible. And don't let that couple talk you into trying again. If the girlfriend (of that couple) wants to break up with the boyfriend, and wants to move to Texas to be near you, I guess that might be something you could consider. But don't let the boyfriend back into your life, he clearly has some issues. Sometime when he is not at home, you should take the dog to a no-kill shelter.

Complicated situation. I don't envy you.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

You only get 12 hours to edit, so I'm going to add paragraphs and nicknames (nicknames are highly recommended in our Guidelines to help us read and understand so we can advise).

So, I have this situation: I moved across country with my girlfriend, Mary, from Texas to Ohio, to live with another couple, Bob and Alice, who proposed we all move in together and have a 4 way relationship. We're very good friends with the girlfriend, Kelly, of Bob and Alice, and had visited them out of state a few times up in Colorado before Bob decided, hey, lets all move in together in Ohio.

Mary and I were totally on board, especially because both of us had already developed a deep love interest for Kelly, and she was feeling the same for us. So, Bob did not know about this. This was before he specifically had proposed the idea of a 4 way (5 way?) relationship, before he had met us in person.

But Kelly had tried to hint at her being interested in having more than one partner. Bob got really upset right away. He has jealousy and possession issues with her. I said, I didn't think it would work out then, and I guess we'll just be friends.

It was really depressing for me since my feelings for Kelly were already really deep, but sometime after visiting and returning to Texas, she contacted me and said Bob had just randomly discussed with her over lunch about how some countries have married couples who are involved with multiple partners. He said that it couldn't just be anyone though.

She said she was interested, and asked if he knew anyone close enough, that he would be comfortable with, to do this with. He immediately mentioned Mary and me. Kelly talked it over with us, and we immediately agreed.

No one had to make it about sex, it could just be an emotional investment in each other, if we wanted. We were going to talk more once we got to Ohio, is what was said, but 2 months in and nothing. I didn't know until yesterday, but Bob came to Kelly maybe 2 weeks in and said, I don't feel comfortable doing the relationship, and if you do anything with those two, that would be cheating on me, Bob.

Both Mary and I feel lied to and betrayed by Bob. We had wanted this four way to work out, and we left Texas, a place where I knew I was safe and had family...

Despite Bob having had his paranoia and possession issues over Kelly, I consider him to be pretty trustworthy. No one had known him to be otherwise. All we can think is that his paranoia took over again. He gets upset if Kelly (or Alice?) isn't in the same room with him while he's home, and expects her to go everywhere with him when he leaves the house. He apparently has PTSD, and maybe that contributes to his behaviors.

Does anyone have any kind of advice?

Bob never even told Mary and me that he didn't want to do this anymore, and we really feel like we shouldn't be in the same house if we're not in a relationship. Unfortunately, we're kinda stuck here with no jobs atm.

He had said that even if we didn't have jobs, he was ok being the sole provider. But then he kinda flipped that one on us as well, and told Kelly or Alice he was upset that he was the only one working, despite us doing house work and taking care of a dog he bought that he doesn't really bother to mess with... I wake up at 5:30am every morning and take this puppy out on the hour, every hour. It is my job, because he apparently gets too focused in what he's doing in his room to remember to take care of it. No one else in the house remembers the dog, except me.

Bob has complained to (Alice and/or Kelly) before, a few times, when the dog was barking early morning and I ignored it out of depression. I don't like dogs, and I mentioned it more than once before they got it, though I said I was ok with it so long as they took care of it. Bob said it would be all of our dog, so we'd equally take care of it. I was ok with this. There is just so much wrong right now, and I don't know what to do.

You could clear up for us if Bob is living with both his gfs, whom I called Alice and Kelly... You seemed to indicate there are 3 women and 2 men involved in this mess, but I'm not sure.

But anyway, it sounds like there was a lot of miscommunication around doing a quad or 5way relationship, because of Bob's insecurity, jealousy, etc. Then somehow there's this dog obligation bs going on too.

I know you and Mary feel sort of stuck here, jobless and homeless. I wish you well in finding jobs and a home, either there or back where you came from.

I'm not sure if Kelly is invested in staying with Bob. And how does Alice feel about this quad or 5way idea? Why is Bob ruling the roost?

The takeaway could be, don't move across country and into someone's house before you've dated properly, in person, while in your own residences, for a year or so. It sounds like you have a crush on Kelly, and you let your penis lead you to an unwelcome stay in her boyfriend's house.