dithyramben
New member
I have a bit of a paradoxical situation:
My wife and I are recently reopening our relationship. We had been open before we were married, but at the time that we were considering marriage, when we decided to get engaged, I told her that I really didn't want to have a open marriage, specifically because the only person she was particularly interested in maintaining as a partner was an ex-lover who had caused problems between us. But in the year or so since we married, she has found it more and more difficult to be without this ex.
So now, we are considering becoming open again. I love her very much, and it seems like the only way that she'll be content is to have both me and her ex-lover in her life as romantic partners. She's been very depressed, lethargic, etc since being 'forced' to break it off with him (though my forcing her was just telling her, prior to our getting engaged, that if she wanted to be with me, I wanted to be monogamous, which she seemed to accept initially, but has since come to resent). She'd like me to consider seeking out other partners as well. I'm pretty indifferent - I got married expecting not to be continuing other relationships, and I don't personally feel the need for additional partners. In fact, while I'm resolved to the idea that I may need to be in a poly relationship to be with her, I'd much rather anyone else that I become involved with as part of that poly relationship NOT want to be in a poly relationship; I love her, but if there's one need that I would like to have met outside our relationship, it is to be with someone who shares my desire for a fairly uncomplicated monogamous relationship (I know simplicity is not always part of a monogamous relationship, but let's face it, almost no one I know who has a poly relationship would call it simple).
This poses a problem, in that she would like anyone who I will hypothetically be involved with to be 'onboard' for our relationship. I, on the other hand, would rather have the opportunity to be with someone who, like me, chooses monogamy, and so I'm inclined to seek out potential partners who aren't looking for poly relationships, with the idea that if it becomes serious, I may just need to choose. I really just don't want to be involved with additional partners who don't share my desires with regard to the structure of a relationship. This obviously upsets my wife deeply, because she wants a committed relationship with me and with her other partner, and she (perhaps rightly) believes that if I seek out potential partners who want monogamy, this will lead to conflicts (the third party's desire for monogamy versus our existing relationship, which would also put me in the position of choosing between someone I love deeply but whose desires don't always align with mine, and someone who I may also care about and who might, in some sense, make a more suitable match).
Any thoughts about how to proceed?
Obviously, one option would be for me to just give up on the desire for a monogamous relationship with her or anyone else, and get used to the idea that the woman I love simply has an additional partner. In that case, I might be happy enough that I wouldn't want to seek outside partners to fulfill my desire for monogamy. Or I might find that I even want additional, non-monogamous partners (I just doubt this, because I've never sought out a sexual relationship with someone who I wasn't very much in love with, and I tend to have eyes for one person at a time).
Another possibility, though I'm not sure how well this would work, would be that if my wife really doesn't mind me being with other people, I could pursue a monogamous relationship with someone else and return to her in between serial-monogamous relationships.
I really don't know what to do, and though I've read several books on open relationships, I haven't seen this topic addressed, so any help would be very appreciated.
My wife and I are recently reopening our relationship. We had been open before we were married, but at the time that we were considering marriage, when we decided to get engaged, I told her that I really didn't want to have a open marriage, specifically because the only person she was particularly interested in maintaining as a partner was an ex-lover who had caused problems between us. But in the year or so since we married, she has found it more and more difficult to be without this ex.
So now, we are considering becoming open again. I love her very much, and it seems like the only way that she'll be content is to have both me and her ex-lover in her life as romantic partners. She's been very depressed, lethargic, etc since being 'forced' to break it off with him (though my forcing her was just telling her, prior to our getting engaged, that if she wanted to be with me, I wanted to be monogamous, which she seemed to accept initially, but has since come to resent). She'd like me to consider seeking out other partners as well. I'm pretty indifferent - I got married expecting not to be continuing other relationships, and I don't personally feel the need for additional partners. In fact, while I'm resolved to the idea that I may need to be in a poly relationship to be with her, I'd much rather anyone else that I become involved with as part of that poly relationship NOT want to be in a poly relationship; I love her, but if there's one need that I would like to have met outside our relationship, it is to be with someone who shares my desire for a fairly uncomplicated monogamous relationship (I know simplicity is not always part of a monogamous relationship, but let's face it, almost no one I know who has a poly relationship would call it simple).
This poses a problem, in that she would like anyone who I will hypothetically be involved with to be 'onboard' for our relationship. I, on the other hand, would rather have the opportunity to be with someone who, like me, chooses monogamy, and so I'm inclined to seek out potential partners who aren't looking for poly relationships, with the idea that if it becomes serious, I may just need to choose. I really just don't want to be involved with additional partners who don't share my desires with regard to the structure of a relationship. This obviously upsets my wife deeply, because she wants a committed relationship with me and with her other partner, and she (perhaps rightly) believes that if I seek out potential partners who want monogamy, this will lead to conflicts (the third party's desire for monogamy versus our existing relationship, which would also put me in the position of choosing between someone I love deeply but whose desires don't always align with mine, and someone who I may also care about and who might, in some sense, make a more suitable match).
Any thoughts about how to proceed?
Obviously, one option would be for me to just give up on the desire for a monogamous relationship with her or anyone else, and get used to the idea that the woman I love simply has an additional partner. In that case, I might be happy enough that I wouldn't want to seek outside partners to fulfill my desire for monogamy. Or I might find that I even want additional, non-monogamous partners (I just doubt this, because I've never sought out a sexual relationship with someone who I wasn't very much in love with, and I tend to have eyes for one person at a time).
Another possibility, though I'm not sure how well this would work, would be that if my wife really doesn't mind me being with other people, I could pursue a monogamous relationship with someone else and return to her in between serial-monogamous relationships.
I really don't know what to do, and though I've read several books on open relationships, I haven't seen this topic addressed, so any help would be very appreciated.
