In love with my female friend and also attracted to her husband

C

Chandria

New member
I’m new to this. Completely. I’ve never had a poly relationship before, but I’ve fallen in love with a new friend (and therefor also realised that I must be bisexual!)
She has fallen in love with me too and her husband knows this. The thing I find difficult now in the start up is that I am atttracted to her husband also, but I’m not sure how to deal with that to avvoid jealousy or risking anything with her.
Any advice?
 
Hi, Chandria. Firstly, a few questions:

- Does your new friend and her husband understand the concept of polyamory - or is this entire notion foreign to her/them?

- Does the husband realise you are attracted to him? And if so, has he indicated that the attraction is returned?

You say she is a new friend, and that you've only just realised you must be bisexual.

- Has SHE always been bisexual, or is this a new experience for her too?
- How long have you known the friend (and her husband)?
- How deep do these feelings for this woman go, or do you think it's more of an infatuation/NRE (new relationship energy) thing? i.e. Have you been dating long... or are you even at that stage yet?

I ask, because real "love" usually takes time to develop. If you've not known her very long, can you be sure the strength of your feelings for each other can withstand her discovering you also have feelings for her husband?
 
lunabunny said:
Hi, Chandria. Firstly, a few questions:

- Does your new friend and her husband understand the concept of polyamory - or is this entire notion foreign to her/them?

- Does the husband realise you are attracted to him? And if so, has he indicated that the attraction is returned?

You say she is a new friend, and that you've only just realised you must be bisexual.

- Has SHE always been bisexual, or is this a new experience for her too?
- How long have you known the friend (and her husband)?
- How deep do these feelings for this woman go, or do you think it's more of an infatuation/NRE (new relationship energy) thing? i.e. Have you been dating long... or are you even at that stage yet?

I ask, because real "love" usually takes time to develop. If you've not known her very long, can you be sure the strength of your feelings for each other can withstand her discovering you also have feelings for her husband?
Click to expand...

She knows alot about polyamory, but I dont think she has experienced it including feelings before. They have practiced a somewhat open marrige before, with alot of good communicationbetween them, and ended things when the other one got uncomfortable.

I dont think her husband knows about my attraction, but he has been very kind to me at a few parties we’ve all been to, stroking my arm/hand in an affectionate way if you understand.

Honestly; I dont know if she will call herself bi, we’ve never talked about it! She said that she has never experienced anything like this before, falling in love so quickly. She said that it was her husband that said it to her first, that she was in love with me, and the she realised that it was true.

We’ve only known each other a few months, but we have some of the same friends. I met her husband the same day as I met her.

I can’t say really how deep my feelings are, I’ve never fallen for someone as fast as I have now!
We’ve only been on one "proper" date, but we’ve been talking/texting each other almost every day since the day we met, and we have been on other sosial gatherings together (with or without her husband).
 
Hello Chandria,

I am thinking that your next step would be to talk with your female friend about what's going on. Something like, "I am very much in love with you. However, I am also attracted to your husband. Can we talk about that?" I can't promise that there is no risk to talking to her about that, but you have to look at the other side of the coin. What if you don't talk to her about that? Will you have to silently yearn for her husband, never having a chance to explore those feelings? Is that worth avoiding the risk of talking to her? What if things heat up between you and her husband anyway? Do you wait as long as possible before telling her? What if she figures it out before you tell her? etc.

With the affectionate gestures the husband has made toward you, I am thinking that he may indeed be attracted to you. It's even possible that he has discussed that with his wife (maybe).

Hopefully this post helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I agree with Kevin that the affectionate gestures from the husband MAY indicate some degree of attraction.

That, in addition to the fact that your new love and her husband have actually practised non-monogamy/open in the past, seems to be a good indicator that neither of them would be TOO shocked or upset if you brought the topic up.

If your attraction for the husband is strong, I think it's best if you broach the subject sooner rather than later, or else it may become an unspoken, painful "elephant in the room" that won't do any of you good, long term.
 
Hi, as far as I understand, triads are best if they form spontaneously, not being forced by the couple, which seems to be the case here. So you might as well try.

The greatest risk I see is that you may with time fall for the husband more than the girlfriend, and she may end up feeling hurt or betrayed. The developing feelings part is not something you can control very much, it's a possibility you and your gf will both have to work with going in. You can take care to give her attention and communicate everything early as it develops.
Are you young? This seems to be a good opportunity for fun and learning. Just don't invest too much too early on.

Just my thoughts. Tinwen.
 
Update

Hi

Thank you all for mutch needed advice.

Things have changed and alot has happened since last I was here.
To try to sum up:
He started to struggle with her having sutch strong feelings for me.
They agreed that him and I should start to get to know each other better.
He and I fell in love with each other and the three of us were all happy for a short while...
She started to struggle with his feelings for me, and eventually ended it all.
We tried again where it was supposed to be only her and I, but he struggled with knowing that it could never be the three of us again, and I struggled with a broken heart having to give him up, even though I was madly in love with her.

So... Here I am, trying to mend a broken heart after loosing both of them. In a way I would do "anything" to get them back, and right now I’m desperatly doing what I can to avoid contacting them again...
I haven’t given up though...
Any advice on how I can go forward to get them back?
I’ve been thinking that maybe a V could be an option in the beginning so they wouldn’t have to deal with watching each others feelings for me?
Am I beeing delusional?
 
I wouldn't call you delusional, but I don't think a reconciliation in any form is likely.

Let this serve as a cautionary tale to you about triads. Maybe if you had had a more firm footing as a V, you would have stood a chance before taking the leap with the husband.
 
Chandria said:
Hi

Thank you all for much needed advice.

Things have changed and a lot has happened since last I was here.

To try to sum up:
He started to struggle with her having such strong feelings for me.

They agreed that he and I should start to get to know each other better. He and I fell in love with each other and the three of us were all happy for a short while...

She started to struggle with his feelings for me, and eventually ended it all.
We tried again where it was supposed to be only her and me, but he struggled with knowing that it could never be the three of us again, and I struggled with a broken heart having to give him up, even though I was madly in love with her.

So... Here I am, trying to mend a broken heart after losing both of them. In a way I would do "anything" to get them back, and right now I’m desperately doing what I can to avoid contacting them again...
I haven’t given up though...

Any advice on how I can go forward to get them back?
I’ve been thinking that maybe a V could be an option in the beginning so they wouldn’t have to deal with watching each other's feelings for me?
Am I being delusional?
Click to expand...

Triads are very difficult, even if they develop organically (as opposed to an established couple going unicorn hunting, looking for a "third" to "share.")

Have you 3 had group sex? Did they both struggle seeing the other have sex with you? Are you confusing a V with one on one sex? You can't have a V, since you are "in love with" (infatuated with) both of them. Trying to only have a love/sex relationship with the woman, when you and the husband are also still attracted to each other... how would that even work?

You could at least only have sex one on one with each. This could lessen their jealousy, maybe, a bit. Don't try to do group dates. Make sure each of them is NOT reading the texts you send to each individual. TMI! They don't need to hear the sexy romantic details of your experiences with the other.

I got nervous for you when I read your old post saying this couple dropped lovers before if one of them got uncomfortable. Obviously they are not doing polyamory well. Vetoes are cruel to a new lover that comes into their lives, as you've now experienced first hand. No one, not even a spouse, has the right to try and shape their spouse's romantic relationship with another. You, as their "secondary," have rights too. You're not their shared chew toy. You're a human being.

It sounds like this couple has done swinging before. Usually, swinging is "sex only, no feelings allowed." Sadly, very often feelings do follow sex, and we do have swingers coming to this board often, every week, asking for advice on how to handle transitioning from swinging to polyamory.

Sounds like both members of this couple are struggling with jealousy, and you're in the middle! I don't think there is much YOU can or should do to "help" them get over their jealousy... There are some pages on jealousy in polyamory online that they could read. They need to build trust and communication skills, and work on their fear of losing each other if one or both of them starts to love another.

Look up the website and book, More Than Two. Opening Up is another book that addresses ethical non monogamy.

I try not to date people new to polyamory for many reasons. The jealousy problem is the toughest hurdle to cross. I hope your couple can stop freaking out and do some research and work on how to do polyamory well, respecting everyone's needs and desires. Maybe there is a chance you all can work something out!
 
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