In need of advice...

fauxsisticated

fauxsisticated

New member
So here's the thing. I have been in three serious relationships over the last year+. One ended in November of '13. One ended in July of this year and was excruciating. Another ended in October and I'm still dealing with some of the mess (we're technically still married but separated and the relationship was abusive).

I've had a few one night stands and casual flirtations since October because, well, I'm not dead and have... let's say lascivious needs. This last week, I hooked up with two friends, both of whom are poly and "get" it. I think they're both cool and very sweet but I'm DEFINITELY not ready to be in anything serious for a long, long while. The thought scares me. Buuuuut... I'm not really sure what I want.

I'm having a hard time figuring out precisely what I need. I know I don't want to be celibate. I don't even know if I want to call something "dating" right now. I've been cool with hooking up casually for the most part, but after spending time with these two friends I'm wondering if it's something I want to keep doing. I'm worried about me or the other folks involved developing feelings quickly. *If* anything were to develop, I'd like for it to be at a glacial pace cos I know I'm not ready for something serious just yet. I want to give myself that space.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? Can anyone offer any advice? I've gotten fantastic feedback on this forum even though I only pop in occasionally.

Thanks,
Jules
 
My husband identifies as polysexual and has many casual partners some just fuck buddies, others more friends with benefits and he has remained unattached to them. He hasn't really had any issues with them getting attached and wanting more than he's willing to give. I think being upfront with what yo u want and what you can give is important. The only time I got attached to someone is when they've given me mixed signals
 
Hi Jules,

It's a pleasure to meet you, and welcome back. I just read through your older threads your posts are interesting to me.

I'm so sorry to hear that one of your relationships (the fiance you spoke about?) was abusive, and it makes complete sense that you need some time to breathe, recover and heal. After a string of difficult breakups, I think it's crucial that you find some emotional time out.

Yes, I've certainly been through cycles of not knowing at all what I'm looking for. I can relate. For me personally, taking complete time out of all things to do with dating and getting involved with people was necessary in order to really start healing. I'd start looking for interactions every few months, and I went on dates, but I could feel myself resisting and putting the brakes on because I didn't want the complications of dating. I'd say it took me around a full year to be really emotionally healthy (on the surface, I was ready after a few months). It took me the same amount of time to really figure out what I wanted, and now I am very certain. It wasn't a conscious decision - it was actually more of an evolution and a realisation that arrived on its own once I was ready.

The thing to ask yourself is this: where's the fire? You can allow yourself time, you know :) You don't have to figure out what you want straight away. The chances are that your heart, soul and mind actually know what they want - rest?

I see where the complications come in with you not wanting to be celibate but not wanting to leap into a relationship either. For me, making a conscious choice to uncomplicate my life for a while can feel good after emotional trauma. I can deal with harnessing sexual energy - in fact, I can enjoy it - if it's a conscious decision to step away from sex and all that goes with it for a certain period. It can be very liberating to stand alone by choice, not have a 'source' for sex, not have a 'source' for intensity, not have a 'source' for distraction, and just be with myself and work on whatever demons or baggage I'm carting around with me that led me into intense situations in the first place.

One of my best friends is, in my opinion, incredibly wise about these things. I'd go through a bad time and I'd instinctively start browsing OKCupid and looking for dates. One day, a little chastisingly, she said to me, "Why all the distractions?" At first, I was defensive and said that I wasn't trying to distract myself, I was trying to proactively fulfill needs that weren't being met. She called bullshit on me and said "Why do you need someone else in order to do that? Why not just 'be' for a while?" She was right!

When it comes to the people you're currently hooking up with, I think there are two parts to the answer. The first is their bag, and the second is yours.

Your side:
- Be honest, up front, open
- Be clear. Do your actions match your words? Are you sending mixed signals?
- Say it: "I'm not in a place for having feelings right now. This might mean I give you mixed signals, or I hold you at arm's length. I only want sex and friendship right now."
- Listen to your people and pay attention to whether they're hearing you.
- Ask: "What are you looking for from me/us?"

Their side:
- If you're open, hopefully they will be too
- If you've done all that you can, their end is up to them!
 
Thanks to both of you. I really appreciate the advice. I have been honest with both of the folks I'm sleeping with right now, and I have been very good at communicating where I'm at and why. One of them is a friend I've known for a long while and they "get" it. The other is a newer friend, but I've been really up front about the abuse stuff in particular.

I think mostly I just need reassurance. I hope that I don't wind up hurting either of these people, or that something shitty doesn't wreck either (both?) of these friendships because they're both people I admire.
 
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