In need of help :(

[GalaGirl]

Glad it helped. But what about taking some of those other paragraphs and attempting to put them in terms of wants, needs, and limits? Here are some of what I think I am hearing:

I feel fearful of being disrespected if my BF suddenly becomes a crazy flirt, and picks people up in front of me. ​

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• I have a limit -- no picking people up in front of me, or disrespectfully choosing totally wrong people. (I.e., no hitting on my mother or my boss.)

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I feel fearful he will go crazy and find hookups at random and it will devalue our own relationship. ​

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• I have a limit -- relationships with others whom I know and like and can respect would be negotiable, but random sex with strangers, never.

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I am afraid of going into the unknown and fearful he will forget agreements once "out there in poly dating world." ​

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I do not know how he behaves in a polyship because we have not been there yet. To take a leap of faith that I will not be hurt by him intentionally or thoughtlessly based on past treatment of me in a different context, our monoship, I need reassurance and firm agreements for me to feel emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually safe enough to go there. ​

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I have a limit. If agreements and trust are broken the consequences will be [...].​

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• 1) We handle "growing pain"-level things like this... [how?]
• 2) Major breeches (like these things) would result in [closing, breaking up?].

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He keeps claiming that those people would be someone we know.

Great. They could be from the existing pool, if they happen to be poly inclined. Or he could make new friends and get to know them before broaching dating. Let's not pre-worry this to death here. He seems to be trying to reassure you that it would not be a random sex hook up weirdness. So you could just take his reassurance as reassurance, and not be feeding the anxiety wolf and going "Ahhh! WHO?" Try to feed the calm wolf more.

Take it one thing at a time. You are in the process of taking a fitness assessment.

His willingness AND fitness. Your willingness AND fitness. The relationship's willingness AND fitness.

Being willing to entertain the conversation is not being willing to GO THERE just yet. You can still say, "No, this is not for me. It is a personal limitation. I will not go there with you."

Maybe the assessment time reveals that all 3 components are not up to snuff, so polyshipping right now is noy the best time. So it's like "No, not at this time. These things would have to be resolved first before considering it again."

Do the work beforehand to avoid pitfalls. There's also agreeing to trying on "a small tiny opening," like a non-sexual coffee date, then closing back up to digest how that went. You do not have to OPEN UP FULL SPECTRUM right out of the gate, if you decide to experiment.

Take it one thing at a time. Read, assess yourselves. If you do decide to go there, do it well, not all higgledy-piggledy.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

This is your life. You author your own life, like a "Choose your Own Adventure" book, as you live it. Choose well.

GL!
Galagirl

 

[SchrodingersCat]

We have a group of friends, all common friends, but none of them would ever be interested in my boyfriend. I am 100% sure of it. And the reason is because they see him ONLY as a friend.

I can relate to that. I pretty much make up my mind within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone whether or not we could ever be friends or romantic. Once you're in the "friends box," that's it - your chances of getting in my pants are approximately equal to Planck's constant.

Unfortunately, there are some widely practiced religions that teach we are accountable for our thoughts and desires. For example, I remember when I was a kid... having to recite this prayer: "I confess to the Lord our God, and to you, my brothers and sisters, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and what I have failed to do."

For every religious belief, there is another religion that believes the exact opposite. Literally. Everything from murder, rape, and pillaging to wearing mixed fibres is sanctioned by some religion, past or present.

If people choose to feel guilty for having dirty thoughts, it's none of my business. But that doesn't change the secular definition of cheating. Had you specified "my religion would see that as cheating" then I wouldn't have disagreed. I would simply have replied "Yeah, and?"

This is a secular, multicultural forum. That doesn't mean there aren't religious members, but it does mean that every comment is assumed to be secular unless otherwise specified. When otherwise specified, there's really no point in discussing it further. You have your beliefs, I have mine.