I seem to have put myself in between a rock and a hard place, in my mind. The good part is that, other than my own thoughts, there is no imminent pressing drama or change to my reality, so I have all the time in the world to work it out. Despite this, it still won't leave me alone and let me be, so I am seeking help here, in hopes that some of you may be able to think in a way that I cannot.
I’d like to warn you, this is a relatively long story (I had to put half it into two posts), because I have a lot of necessary context in order to even begin to show you my consternation, and also because I simply need vent. That being said, there is no urgency, or rush, so do not feel obligated to respond, or even to read it all in one sitting. But if you do have the time and the interest, I am grateful.
I have never been so sure of something in my life as I am about this. I am meant to be with this person. My partner is my other half, my raison d'etre, my best friend in every way, the witness to my life, my inspiration, my mentor, the other half of my heart.
I spent years working out in my mind exactly what kind of person I wanted to be with in my life. I spent years observing myself and my thoughts, with the attention of a scientist and a psychologist put together, figuring out who I am and truly coming into myself. I made long lists in my head, that could rival even the most lengthy and arduous job description, that detailed the qualities and minimum expectations I had about a life partner. They were more than words, but feelings and ideas. I needed someone who was wise beyond their years, introspective, someone who had dedicated huge portions of their life to a soul search, so they'd be whole before we become a couple, instead of trying to find themselves during a relationship. I also needed someone crazy enough and strong enough to be able to handle my personality. Upon meeting my partner, I remember remarking how uncanny it was that she seemed to click every check box I had.
Indeed, shortly after our friendship blossomed into a relationship, I read to her what I had written in my journal, prior to meeting, in which I had attempted to describe this unique person. And not only did she fit every quality to a 'T', but she actually remarked that some of those were the same words people had used to describe her.
Indeed, she has amazed me in how impossibly perfectly she fits into my fantasy of a prince charming on a noble steed. We fit together like threads of a tapestry, our traits complementing each other's, but of the same kind, alike where it was most important, in beliefs about people’s true selves, the value of sincerity, open honest communication, and loving openly and affectionately. I see every day how she is all that I have ever dreamed of, in ways I couldn't have ever articulated to even myself.
And the fabulous part? She has said the very same things about me on a regular basis. I could not be convinced at first. I searched in happy disbelief for a flaw, and found none. Maybe I am somewhere over the rainbow, where dreams really do come true.
As someone who was raised by a father who believed whole-heartedly in the ways of ‘loving more,’ I thought long and heard about polyamorous relationships. I clung to the ideas that said loving another only meant loving more, not less; that loving two or three did not mean that the first was not good enough. I read magazines and books. I even did a project on polyamory for a class.
I had my first two real relationships in high school, at the same time, with people who had previously never heard of polyamory, and I made it work. (It was a lot of work, especially as my two firsts, but I managed, and learned a lot, too.)
Later in life, after several more relationships, the development of my ‘perfect partner’ idea seemed to become unrealistic. Could I really find someone with all these traits? I was most torn by gender. I couldn’t imagine committing myself to one man, and yet I cringed at the thought of being only with a woman for the rest of my life. I just had such an even combination of masculinity and femininity that it seemed impossible to find a “life partner” with whom I would not get tired of either gender role. In addition, my list seemed more like a job application for a god. Who could have ALL of these qualities? And how in the world would I know that this was them if I saw them?
My father had always said that people "expect god of their lovers," because that is what our expressions of love is – a connection to god, essentially. And so, if we don’t realize the human nature of our lovers, that they are not, and can never be a god, and therefore cannot fulfill everything we truly need, we are bound to be disappointed. With this, I came to the conclusion that I would likely be destined for a poly family, not a “one true soul mate.”
(I further decided even numbers would be better, so specified that to be a nice little quad family. I knew that this would NOT be easy, but I have never opted for easy, or even normal. I have always taken the complicated route.)
This is how I saw my future. Of course, when I gave this explanation to those who asked me if I wanted to get married, they thought I was nutso.
I’d like to warn you, this is a relatively long story (I had to put half it into two posts), because I have a lot of necessary context in order to even begin to show you my consternation, and also because I simply need vent. That being said, there is no urgency, or rush, so do not feel obligated to respond, or even to read it all in one sitting. But if you do have the time and the interest, I am grateful.
I have never been so sure of something in my life as I am about this. I am meant to be with this person. My partner is my other half, my raison d'etre, my best friend in every way, the witness to my life, my inspiration, my mentor, the other half of my heart.
I spent years working out in my mind exactly what kind of person I wanted to be with in my life. I spent years observing myself and my thoughts, with the attention of a scientist and a psychologist put together, figuring out who I am and truly coming into myself. I made long lists in my head, that could rival even the most lengthy and arduous job description, that detailed the qualities and minimum expectations I had about a life partner. They were more than words, but feelings and ideas. I needed someone who was wise beyond their years, introspective, someone who had dedicated huge portions of their life to a soul search, so they'd be whole before we become a couple, instead of trying to find themselves during a relationship. I also needed someone crazy enough and strong enough to be able to handle my personality. Upon meeting my partner, I remember remarking how uncanny it was that she seemed to click every check box I had.
Indeed, shortly after our friendship blossomed into a relationship, I read to her what I had written in my journal, prior to meeting, in which I had attempted to describe this unique person. And not only did she fit every quality to a 'T', but she actually remarked that some of those were the same words people had used to describe her.
Indeed, she has amazed me in how impossibly perfectly she fits into my fantasy of a prince charming on a noble steed. We fit together like threads of a tapestry, our traits complementing each other's, but of the same kind, alike where it was most important, in beliefs about people’s true selves, the value of sincerity, open honest communication, and loving openly and affectionately. I see every day how she is all that I have ever dreamed of, in ways I couldn't have ever articulated to even myself.
And the fabulous part? She has said the very same things about me on a regular basis. I could not be convinced at first. I searched in happy disbelief for a flaw, and found none. Maybe I am somewhere over the rainbow, where dreams really do come true.
As someone who was raised by a father who believed whole-heartedly in the ways of ‘loving more,’ I thought long and heard about polyamorous relationships. I clung to the ideas that said loving another only meant loving more, not less; that loving two or three did not mean that the first was not good enough. I read magazines and books. I even did a project on polyamory for a class.
I had my first two real relationships in high school, at the same time, with people who had previously never heard of polyamory, and I made it work. (It was a lot of work, especially as my two firsts, but I managed, and learned a lot, too.)
Later in life, after several more relationships, the development of my ‘perfect partner’ idea seemed to become unrealistic. Could I really find someone with all these traits? I was most torn by gender. I couldn’t imagine committing myself to one man, and yet I cringed at the thought of being only with a woman for the rest of my life. I just had such an even combination of masculinity and femininity that it seemed impossible to find a “life partner” with whom I would not get tired of either gender role. In addition, my list seemed more like a job application for a god. Who could have ALL of these qualities? And how in the world would I know that this was them if I saw them?
My father had always said that people "expect god of their lovers," because that is what our expressions of love is – a connection to god, essentially. And so, if we don’t realize the human nature of our lovers, that they are not, and can never be a god, and therefore cannot fulfill everything we truly need, we are bound to be disappointed. With this, I came to the conclusion that I would likely be destined for a poly family, not a “one true soul mate.”
(I further decided even numbers would be better, so specified that to be a nice little quad family. I knew that this would NOT be easy, but I have never opted for easy, or even normal. I have always taken the complicated route.)
This is how I saw my future. Of course, when I gave this explanation to those who asked me if I wanted to get married, they thought I was nutso.
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