In need of some advice (triad gone wrong)

[AmItheProblem]

Hello all,

I am new to the poly/triad community, so bare with me while I try to explain whats going on in my little world.

I am K and I have been in a relationship with D and D for about 5 months now. D and D have been together for 8 years. (We are all the same age, close to 30)

Before I got into the traid I was single for almost 2 years. My previous relationship was 7 years long. Anywho, I can't help feeling like I am just a "third". I know there supposed to be foundations and relationships such as D&D, D&K, D&K, then D&D&K. When we all came in contact they were just looking for a third to fool around with, so this is new to them too..

Everytime I feel like I'm trying to establish a relationship with the male the female gets jealous, asks a whole bunch of questions, and makes slightly rude comments. So I back off, don't have any communication with him. Then it makes the environment tense which makes me uncomfortable and I plan my exit strategy. I feel like its a territory/jealousy issue. She did badly hurt him before I came into the picture and had mentioned that she doesn't want us to fall in love. And I feel like he doesn't want/backs off too because of how she is..

I try to talk about the situation to my friends, but they don't understand (or maybe they do) they just say "maybe they aren't looking for the same thing as you". Then I can't help to think I put myself in a horrible situation that is just going to hurt me in the long run.

We do things as a triad, sexual and nonsexual. Her and I are together 24/7 basically. When I try to voice how I feel and that I'm uncomfortable I am met with "We've done everything to accommodate you", "I understand, "ok", or I just hide it all because I'm scared.. I cant help, but feel like I need double reassurance or that I'm not getting what I need in this relationship..

I don't know. Am I the problem? Is being in a triad the problem? What do I do? Any words of wisdom is welcomed.

 

[Tinwen]

Your situation is unfortunately not uncommon. We call couples looking for "a third" unicorn hunters and they get quite a bit of flack over here. Many of them declare loudly how they want to make their third an equal relationship partner, then fail silently due to habits and biases - that's human. But your couple sounds like they are not even looking for equality on paper.

Your feelings are probably accurate - you're just a third to them. That's what they were looking for at the beginning, and they haven't outgrown that mindset.

Since you are not supposed to have an independent relationship with the male, the whole "don't fall in love" thing, you're not even in a polyamorous triad. Polyamory means many loves, loving committed relationships are the whole point. (You seem to want that, and maybe you ARE already in love, hm?)

I think your fears and your friends are right. You don't want the same thing. You're incompatible relationship-wise.

Call it what it is - a non-committal fwb arrangement with sexual threesomes.

Me personally, I find it hard to do non-committal fwb. You sound the same way.

I'm sorry this is happening to you and hurting you so much. Please move on.

 

[Magdlyn]

I am new to the poly/triad community... I am K. I have been in a relationship with D and D for about 5 months now. D and D have been together for 8 years. (We are all the same age, close to 30.)

At 30 it's high time to be true to yourself and have definite healthy standards for whom you date. It looks like you have some self-respect and want to be treated with dignity, not as a second-class citizen.

Also, 5 months of dating is not very long at all. So it's no huge loss to walk away. Use it as a lesson in what you don't want in dating.

I can't help feeling like I am just a "third."

And who wants that?

I know there supposed to be foundations and relationships such as D&D, D&K, D&K, then D&D&K.

It's good you know that. Each dyad in a triad needs its own time and nurturing to grow at the pace it's meant to.

When we all came in contact, they were just looking for a third to fool around with, so this is new to them, too.

Well, we here in polyamory-land all know you can't dictate feelings. If you have sex with someone, enjoy their company, spend lots of time together, love often grows. Most swingers, i.e., people into "sport sex," put up very strict boundaries to keep sexual play partners as just that, and not cross the line to actual lovers. That was not done here, it seems. So nature took its course.

Every time I try to establish a relationship with the male, the female gets jealous, asks a whole bunch of questions, and makes slightly rude comments.

She doesn't actually want to share him. Whose idea was it to "add a third"?

So I back off, don't have any communication with him. Then it makes the environment tense, which makes me uncomfortable and I plan my exit strategy. I feel like it's a territory/jealousy issue.

And that is understandable. I am guessing you're already living with them? Doing that after only 5 months or less is not recommended. You should definitely move out.

She did badly hurt him before I came into the picture and had mentioned that she doesn't want us to fall in love. And I feel like he doesn't want to, backs off, because of how she is.

Well, if he wasn't "supposed to" fall in love, but he did, he has broken their agreement. So either they need to negotiate and communicate well to change their agreement, or he needs to stop dating you altogether, right? And you can move out so you aren't involved while they sort our their troubled marriage. That just sounds awkward, yucky and painful for everyone. Maybe they thought getting another woman as a shared sex toy would help them heal their troubled marriage. That never works.

I try to talk about the situation to my friends, but they don't understand (or maybe they do). They say, "Maybe they aren't looking for the same thing as you."

And what do you want? A real loving relationship, I am guessing. One that is healthy and fun and can grow and serve you well? How can that happen with this man and you having this "push-pull" thing, and the woman sitting there throwing daggers from her eyes, and acting out with rude language caused by her jealousy and feelings of betrayal? This wasn't supposed to be about love (polyamory), just sex (casual, FWBs at most). So she is not pleased.

I can't help to think I put myself in a horrible situation that is just going to hurt me in the long run.

Yes, it sounds like it. And you can change that by simply leaving.

We do things as a triad, sexual and nonsexual. Her and I are together 24/7, basically.

So you do live with them, and you and the woman don't work outside the home? You're just all in her space, in her home, making her feel uncomfortable? That sounds awful for both of you.

You're "supposed to" sexually desire her in order to have FMF sexual threesomes, but neither of you actually even like each other much, much less desire each other? So what's the point? Do you women just put up with each other to get access to the man, while resenting any time the other woman spends with the guy? That's unworkable.

When I try to voice how I feel and that I'm uncomfortable, I am met with, "We've done everything to accommodate you."

Accommodate? As in, provide food and housing? Are you completely financially dependent on these people? Why? You have friends. Do you have a job? Where did you live before?

I just hide it all because I'm scared.

What are you scared of, specifically? Abuse? Homelessness?

I can't help but feel... that I'm not getting what I need in this relationship.

Listen to your gut. Those feelings are correct.

I don't know. Am I the problem? Is being in a triad the problem?

Being in a triad is a huge problem. Most of them go up in flames. In your case, there wasn't supposed to be love, but you moved in and are at their mercy, it seems. Get out. Go stay with a friend until you get a job and get proper housing. You deserve better than this.

 

[GalaGirl]

This is hard to read with initials. Could you please be willing to change to fake names? Maybe generic animals -- Koala (you), Dog(male) and Deer (female). I'm going to use those in my post, but I'm happy to change with what you want.

I think you go ahead with your exit plan. Both you and your friends see clear enough that this is NOT healthy here.

Maybe these help you assess. But you already seem to know it's not healthy or respectful. I'm sorry you have been dealing in that.

https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf

Home

Healthy relationships for young adults can be confusing. Love is more than just the way you feel, and we're here to help.

www.loveisrespect.org

If you are going to keep dating Deer as her Casual Sex friend?

• Accept it is just dating her for Casual Sex only. Don't seek polyamory with her or with Dog -- like a full relationship with more than one BF/GF/Partner type person.
• She doesn't really want you dating Dog and forming a full relationship. She's jealous and territorial.
• He doesn't really stand up for himself or for you. He goes with what she says.
• So no more hanging out in trio and no more group sex. If they want that? It can be with someone else not you.
• It's just 1:1 casual hookups with Deer here.
• Date whoever else, but here? It's only Deer. And only for Casual Sex hookups.

I would not really recommend this, because it's still not healthy and even FWB and casual hookups could be healthy and with healthy people. But it would reduce some stressors.

It's not really a polyamourous triad. This was never going to be an actual triad with 3 independent 1:1 relationships called

• Dog + Deer
• Koala + Dog
• Koala + Deer

It's Queen Bee Deer dating Dog in a full relationship. And you are her fuck buddy. That's it.

If you are not into that? End it with both of them and walk away.

You might be new to non-monogamy, but you are the expert on you. You get to decide what you will and will not put up with in your relationships. If neither Dog nor Deer make the cut for what you seek in a healthy dating partner? They don't make the cut then.

It sounds like you don't like this, and want out. So get out. Don't doubt yourself. You are not obligated to stay in things that hurt you. It's ok to break up with them and move on. You've already tried talking. Changes aren't happening. So you vote with your feet and walk away.

Spending practically 24/7 with a partner? That is not sustainable. You need time for work, rest, seeing your friends and family, time alone, etc. Don't do that again moving forward. I get NRE has a strong pull, but you need balanced living.

I'm sorry this experience was so hurtful though. You deserve better.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello K,

I do not think you are the problem, D and D should have made you an equal in their relationship, you should be allowed to grow a relationship with the male. They are prioritizing their dynamic as a couple, this is called couple privilege. If they want to form a triad with you, then it should be a triad, not a couple plus one. They have *not* done "everything" to "accommodate" you.

Sympathetic regards,
Kevin T.