Increased interest in my wife after time with another woman, whats that called?


greetings everyone.
I finally have something to ask for my own poly journey.

I've shared with some of you, I'm in a Christian marriage, wife is very much against poly, but she is changing slightly. even a little change in the right direction is good in my thinking. she is cool with me spending time with some of her friends without her, it's sort of a compromise to my poly interest. if she gave the green light, they are still not women I would actually be interested being poly with, but they are nice friends.

this afternoon one of these female friends came over, we talked, gave each other a back rub, and my wife is ok with that. my wife was sitting in the living room present for some of it. after that we all sat on the couch with my wife. she surprised me with the comment...she said her friend had a birthday last week and considering I say I'm poly, that I should take both of them out for dinner as my "girlfriends" then when we get back from dinner, I should give her friend another back rub.

this is unusual commentary from my wife.

after returning, I gave the other woman a back rub, I gave my wife one for the same amount of time to be fair, she was fine with this.

side note...a few weeks ago, I had a 3 some-Ish with both, lol one was rubbing my feet and my wife was working on my shoulders, definitely first time I've had that experience in my 8-year marriage. :) all things considered that encounter was a win.

at bedtime tonight my wife says, it's interesting that I pay more attention to her after I've been spending time with these other female friends.

I have noticed this too in the past. people here have talked about this same thing occasionally, is there a name for this and how common is it in the poly community to be closer to a primary after time with a secondary?

thank you.
Last edited:


Staff member

Sounds like you're having some fun with your wife and enjoying her little bit of growth. Although, with a hint of doom and gloom, she could see it all as a bit of light hearted fun rather than anything that will actually get close to poly. Danger, Will Robinson. It could blow up at any time.

But by all means, take them both out to dinner, again even. Just don't be cajoled into any hint of sexual acts. Tread very, very carefully or you'll have a scared wife on your hands probably having some sort of meltdown. Right now, it rather seems from your recount that she's finding some fun in directing some baby steps. If she senses she's losing control at any time, watch out.


Well-known member
I experience it…

I think of it as missing my partners. Similar to when I travel alone for work, there is usually a period of re-connection upon returning home, where we give one another a bit more attention than usual.

Maybe what you are experiencing is a result of placing energy in another woman. When your mind arrives back at your wife you experience feelings of re-connection…

You also described the woman as someone you aren’t interested in being poly with... First of all please remember that she has feelings and you doing poly experiments while not actually being “interested” is a slippery slope. Careful not to lead her on…

With that said I can see how placing mental energy into a woman you aren’t actually interested in may reveal appreciation you have for your wife that you haven’t thought about in a while. Similarly, as an analogy, being away from home in a place that you don’t particularly want to be may highlight the appreciation you have for your own home.

I have experienced this in dating before. Where I am with someone new, but the chemistry isn’t as good as I would like. Those moments are when I appreciate what I already have the most.

Even when something is new and exciting, and things are going great. Just trying something new generally leads me to thoughts of appreciation of what I already have…


Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi 3908,

"Increased interest in my wife after time with another woman, what's that called?"

Some folks call that Renewed Relationship Energy (RRE). It's something that happens in poly. It is great when it does happen.

Glad to hear your wife has softened somewhat on her position.
Kevin T.