Internal Conflict Exposed
- Thread starter BreakTheSky
- Start date
BreakTheSky
New member
Sorry I haven't responded sooner to your posts. I've been internalizing all of the information you presented and tonight is our first meeting with the new therapist, Maggie.
To clarify Uncle Dave's advice, he told me that confessing that you cheated to your partner is not a good idea if the purpose of disclosing it is to relieve shame and guilt. It is better to focus on being a better partner and becoming more intimate. He's hinted that later on, for different reasons (he didn't disclose which), it may be a good idea to open up and share about me cheating.
You asked for a timeline, so here you go:
Met Heather 5 years ago at a work function. Heather no longer works for the company and it living in a different state (she has always lived in a different state).
Met Klaire in 2009 at a bar through a mutual friend. We immediately started dating.
Had sex with Heather in January, 2015 but had an emotional relationship for several years.
Married Klaire Sept 2014.
Got STD screen in February and passed.
Started therapy with Uncle Dave in January 2015. Had previously worked with Uncle Dave in 2009 and 2010. He really helped me work through relationship problems with an ex-girlfriend and helped me remove her negative presence from my life.
Stopped speaking to Heather per Uncle Dave's request in February 2015. She has not tried to contact me. She is the one who came up with the concept that I sought Heather out on purpose because I've been struggling internally with being a polyamorous person in a monogamous relationship.
Started talking to Klaire about poly in May/June 2015 but Klaire has known for years that I struggled with cheating in past relationships and that I find other women attractive. Klaire doesn't seem particularly interested in other people sexually. She is also a bit guarded emotionally as she's naturally introverted and isn't comfortable sharing/opening up.
Start therapy with Maggie tonight. On the phone she seems open to various forms of relationships and doesn't seem judgemental. Here's her info if you're curious: https://therapists.psychologytoday....auppi_MS,LMFT,AASECT_Madison_Wisconsin_118476
As far as porn goes, I do my best to stay away from it. It's manageable for me to not watch it, but I have slipped a couple times as it's a long term habit of mine when masterbating to watch porn. Since I'm also really into music I've substituted music for pornography with success.
I'm open to not seeing Uncle Dave but want to make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons. Aside from discussions regarding my sexuality he's been extremely helpful in getting me to think differently about intimacy in relationships, pornography, violence and becoming more active my community.
Some of the links that you've shared showed me how what I'm going through is biology/endocrinology versus culturally acceptable behavior. Biology says that it's natural and normal for men (or rats) to lose interest in a long term sexual partner and to seek out new partners. Uncle Dave told me half of his clients are middle aged married men who have lost interest in their partner. He thinks it is because their wives become more like mothers than partners in their minds. Men reject the idea of sleeping with their mother and desire a new woman.
We'll see how the appointment with Maggie (Martha : P) goes tonight. Thanks again for all of your support.
To clarify Uncle Dave's advice, he told me that confessing that you cheated to your partner is not a good idea if the purpose of disclosing it is to relieve shame and guilt. It is better to focus on being a better partner and becoming more intimate. He's hinted that later on, for different reasons (he didn't disclose which), it may be a good idea to open up and share about me cheating.
You asked for a timeline, so here you go:
Met Heather 5 years ago at a work function. Heather no longer works for the company and it living in a different state (she has always lived in a different state).
Met Klaire in 2009 at a bar through a mutual friend. We immediately started dating.
Had sex with Heather in January, 2015 but had an emotional relationship for several years.
Married Klaire Sept 2014.
Got STD screen in February and passed.
Started therapy with Uncle Dave in January 2015. Had previously worked with Uncle Dave in 2009 and 2010. He really helped me work through relationship problems with an ex-girlfriend and helped me remove her negative presence from my life.
Stopped speaking to Heather per Uncle Dave's request in February 2015. She has not tried to contact me. She is the one who came up with the concept that I sought Heather out on purpose because I've been struggling internally with being a polyamorous person in a monogamous relationship.
Started talking to Klaire about poly in May/June 2015 but Klaire has known for years that I struggled with cheating in past relationships and that I find other women attractive. Klaire doesn't seem particularly interested in other people sexually. She is also a bit guarded emotionally as she's naturally introverted and isn't comfortable sharing/opening up.
Start therapy with Maggie tonight. On the phone she seems open to various forms of relationships and doesn't seem judgemental. Here's her info if you're curious: https://therapists.psychologytoday....auppi_MS,LMFT,AASECT_Madison_Wisconsin_118476
As far as porn goes, I do my best to stay away from it. It's manageable for me to not watch it, but I have slipped a couple times as it's a long term habit of mine when masterbating to watch porn. Since I'm also really into music I've substituted music for pornography with success.
I'm open to not seeing Uncle Dave but want to make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons. Aside from discussions regarding my sexuality he's been extremely helpful in getting me to think differently about intimacy in relationships, pornography, violence and becoming more active my community.
Some of the links that you've shared showed me how what I'm going through is biology/endocrinology versus culturally acceptable behavior. Biology says that it's natural and normal for men (or rats) to lose interest in a long term sexual partner and to seek out new partners. Uncle Dave told me half of his clients are middle aged married men who have lost interest in their partner. He thinks it is because their wives become more like mothers than partners in their minds. Men reject the idea of sleeping with their mother and desire a new woman.
We'll see how the appointment with Maggie (Martha : P) goes tonight. Thanks again for all of your support.
I meant for you to correct the actual chronological order. The back and forth thing confuses me. There's still some back and forth there.
So I rewrite it here just to help me (and whoever else participates in this thread) make sense of the chronological order of events. Please correct me if I got any of it wrong. I am still confused on the undated stuff.
THE DEFINITE PAST -- years and years ago
UNDATED PAST (?)
THE PRESENT(Within the last year)
If you are going to stay with Uncle Dave (counselor), I think you could tell him that you do NOT intend to remain monogamous. Your goal is to figure out how talk to Klaire about changing agreements between you. Because your goal is not to cheat on agreements again, right? If he cannot help you in this task, then maybe you seek a poly friendly counselor who CAN help you in this task.
Is Maggie Uncle Dave's replacement? Or in addition to him for sex therapy? I am not clear on that. But regardless...
I hope your appointment with Maggie goes well and she helps you clarify how you want Maggie to help you.
GL!
Galagirl
So I rewrite it here just to help me (and whoever else participates in this thread) make sense of the chronological order of events. Please correct me if I got any of it wrong. I am still confused on the undated stuff.
THE DEFINITE PAST -- years and years ago
- Somewhere in 2009 and again in 2010: Worked with Uncle Dave (counselor) on other problems. One of the times was for help with an exGF.
- Before meeting Klaire: I went to a poly group meeting I didn't care for much
- Somewhere 2009: Met Klaire in a bar. Started dating her.
- Somewhere 2010: Met Heather at work function.
UNDATED PAST (?)
- Somewhere between 2010-2015: I saw Heather twice a year for a couple years at work functions. We developed an emotional relationship.
- Somewhere between 2009-2015: I read "Ethical Slut." Klaire reads part of it.
- Somewhere between 2009-2015: I find myself wanting to act on my attraction to other women (not just Heather) but chose not to because of my current agreements with Klaire.
THE PRESENT(Within the last year)
- Sept 2014: Married Klaire
- Jan 2015: I chose to cheat on my current agreements with Klaire. I have sex with Heather.
- Jan 2015 (?): Heather says I sought Heather out on purpose because I've been struggling internally with being a polyamorous person in a monogamous relationship Klaire.
- Jan 2015: Started therapy with Uncle Dave again. This time to deal with my feelings re:Heather affair.
- Feb 2015: Got STD screening in February and passed.
- Feb 2015: Stopped speaking to Heather per Uncle Dave's request. Heather has not contacted me since I broke it off.
- May/June 2015: Started seriously talking to Klaire about polyamory. (Klaire does not know about my cheating with Heather.)
- June 1, 2015: I start this thread. I struggle with internal conflict: "if I’m to accept myself as I am (with the desire to be polyamorous), how (why) should I focus on becoming monogamous?"
- June 8, 2015: Klaire and I start therapy with Maggie tonight.
If you are going to stay with Uncle Dave (counselor), I think you could tell him that you do NOT intend to remain monogamous. Your goal is to figure out how talk to Klaire about changing agreements between you. Because your goal is not to cheat on agreements again, right? If he cannot help you in this task, then maybe you seek a poly friendly counselor who CAN help you in this task.
Is Maggie Uncle Dave's replacement? Or in addition to him for sex therapy? I am not clear on that. But regardless...
I hope your appointment with Maggie goes well and she helps you clarify how you want Maggie to help you.
- I hope she can help you better communicate what you want / need from Klaire to Klaire.
- I hope that she helps Klaire better communicate what Klaire wants / needs from you to you.
GL!
Galagirl
Last edited:
@ GalaGirl ... thanks for the chronological list, I was a little disoriented myself.
@ BreakTheSky ... thanks for your latest post, I think I understand better what your position is with Uncle Dave. Will be interested to hear how things go with the therapy with Maggie.
Regards,
Kevin T.
@ BreakTheSky ... thanks for your latest post, I think I understand better what your position is with Uncle Dave. Will be interested to hear how things go with the therapy with Maggie.
Regards,
Kevin T.
BreakTheSky
New member
As of right now Uncle Dave is my individual therapist and Maggie will be our couple's therapist.
The first meeting went really well and the focus was on Maggie getting to understand my relationship with Klaire.
Maggie said that she's worked with couples to achieve a polyamorous lifestyle and understands how it works and sometimes why it doesn't work. She recommended that we read Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. I started reading the book but I don't think Klaire is currently reading it.
Klaire thought that my feelings for wanting to be with multiple women would go away on their own so she didn't put a lot of thought into what I was saying. Her initial reaction to me being interested in other women is that it hurt her self worth. With that said, she feels she needs to take my feelings into consideration and feels it would be unfair for her to stop me from engaging in behavior that makes me happy. She also needs to think about whether or not she is comfortable with the lifestyle and knows that if she isn't comfortable, we may not be a good long term match.
We discovered that Klaire isn't getting enough alone time to recharge. She plays soccer and volleyball multiple nights a week after work, we have three pets, social commitments with family and friends that all take away from alone time. This causes her to withdraw during social interactions by using her cell phone. This impacts our relationship because when I'm playing guitar and singing, I see her on her phone and it bothers me that she's not engaged. We are now working on giving Klaire more alone time so that she can be actively engaged when we are interacting.
Although I haven't spoken to Heather in months, I haven't decided whether or not I will reach out to her after Klaire and I have a few more appointments with Maggie and we agree to opening up emotionally/physically to other people. I will not pursue other women until Klaire and I agree that it is ok.
Our next appointment is next week. I'll keep everyone posted.
Bunnielight
Member
It seems to me like you're taking the appropriate steps and are on the right track for more happiness for both of you. I hope Klaire begins reciprocating some of the work as these steps will lead to more happiness for herself even if it's just resting easy knowing that she understands what is going on with you. Once you can get over the initial speed bumps of insecurity, opening up like that can be the most freeing feeling.