Internalised nonsense

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I have come to realise after loads of helpful advice from you all that the root of my bullshit is that I seem to have re internalised ideas that I don't agree with and I think that's why I'm being a knob in regards to alpine and baby voice man. To fix it so I am not causing any more grief, now or in the future, what can I do.

I think the jealousy is to do with seeing partners other long term relationships as senior and a threat when in fact no, that's not how that works. They are different and have different elements. I seem to have gotten these ideas from where I have been and not even figured my thinking had gone that way.

I think the idea that more sex distracts from sexual focus on people from previous bad partners, I'm not sure what the root of that focus is but I should work that out rather than playing around irresponsibly.

I think I'm not as open emotionally or in my communication because where I have been it isn't safe for poly people and the only person I knew there who was got punished by a member of that community when that person found out. It was kinda scary. I won't go into detail it's not my story to tell.

So any tips on how to undo my bullshit? I want to be open and fulfilling to partners, not a giant ball ache and bag of insecurity and random attention and sex demands.
 
Hi PollyNymA,

I wonder if clarity in your communications with your partners would help. That and I recommend some sessions with a counselor.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Writing it down so I have to face up to myself here has made a huge different. Councelling I don't think is necessary. Listening to what you lot have to say in here has made a huge difference. Your right communication helps. Thank tou :)
 
Glad to hear we've been of some help.
 
I am having a hard time understanding what you wrote.

I am going to repeat it back in my own words. You correct me if I am wrong, ok? I quote just to visually block it off.


I have come to realise after advice from you all that the root of my problems is that I have internalised ideas that I don't agree with. I think that is why I choose to behave poorly to Alpine and Baby Voice Man.

  • I think my dating partner's other long term relationships are senior to my relationship with this partner. I view them as a threat. When I think that, I get jealous. The fact is that's not how that works. They are different than me and have different elements than me that Shared Partner enjoys. That doesn't make me "less than."

  • I think that if I have lots of sex with many partners, then I won't focus sexually on one partner. That way I won't get as hurt like from previous bad partners who hurt me. It will hurt me less because I'll have back up partners. Or it will hurt me less because in having many partners, then hurt from one partner won't hurt because they don't really matter all that much. I want to work that out, rather than playing around irresponsibly. (<--- The wording on that one really was confusing me. Did I guess anywhere in the ballpark?)

  • I'm not open emotionally. I am also not open in my communication. I am not open because I don't feel safe being "out" as poly. The only poly person I knew got punished/hurt by (their dating partner?) when that person found out about their being poly. It was kinda scary. I won't go into detail it's not my story to tell. But I don't want something like that happening to me.

I want to be open and fulfilling to my dating partners. I do not want to be insecure, demanding attention or demanding sex.

What can I do to change these beliefs and stop doing these poor behaviors to my partners?
Click to expand...

So far you are doing the first step in problem solving -- you are identifying all the areas that need work. I think you could keep going. Perhaps better articulate them. That second one about "sexual focus" was oddly worded to me.

You have identified what you want your end goal to be: you want to be more open and more secure in your relationships. So you could ask yourself before you do a behavior..."If I do this behavior, is that bringing me closer to my goal? Or taking me further away from my goal?" Align yourself and your behaviors toward your goal.

Could also drop the "self-bullying" tone. Calling your problems "bullshit" or calling yourself a "knob" -- how does doing "down talk" help you? I can imagine that feeling these things and sorting them out might be uncomfortable. But there's no need to ADD to your burdens by being your own bully and putting yourself down. If you don't like how you are behaving, change your behavior. Don't start beating up on your own self. When you stop the habit of being your own bully, perhaps that could help with feeling more secure in yourself. Because there isn't this constant internal voice tearing you down.

Could try some new behaviors to help solve your other problems even if it feels scary at first. You want to be more open with your partner? Then be more open with your partner. Risk doing it and seeing that NOTHING DOOM happens. Discover you can handle it, however it is that turns out.

Confidence is grown by doing. It doesn't come from the sky. When you are confident that you can handle things in your life regardless of what happens or how it turns out? Then you don't have to feel insecure from having to face new things. You can remind yourself you have faced new things before and could handle them fine, so you will likely handy THIS new thing just fine too.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you that's really helpful. I guess if alpine actually decided to give me another chance ( which I guess I mightaswell realise isn't going to happen) or I meet someone new that's what I need to do. I was open about how I was feeling with baby voice man, I didn't hurt his feelings by saying anything about the baby voice, but I was honest and now we are just friends and everything is fine. It is kinda scary because I'm always worrying about what reaction I'm going to get, will they be unhappy? Will I get rejected? That kind of thing. Thank tou :)
 
It is kinda scary because I'm always worrying about what reaction I'm going to get, will they be unhappy? Will I get rejected? That kind of thing.
Click to expand...

You are not responsible for doing other people's emotional management. They are responsible for doing it.

You were up front with Baby Voice Man, and nothing horrible happened. It simply wasn't a match, and nobody is bent out of shape over it. You could risk doing more of that -- being yourself, being honest, being up front. And risk seeing that nothing doom happens. You CAN handle it.

Galagirl
 
I sort of half knew that was the direction I needed to go in. Thank you. Talking it out with people outside of my social circle really helps :)
 
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