Into The Deep End

So, I feel like a broken record, but: Date Night last night. Awesome as always. I have reached the point where I don't know what her habits are with other people, but I know what they are with me, and I'm insanely happy when I'm with her, and that's the important thing.

Which is why it feels strange to say this, but I've decided... I'm gonna give this 'being poly' thing a shot. I think I can. Just not right now. Next year. Get the divorce finalized. Get people out of the house. Make sure I have the free time. Be nice if I can get another day each week with Light, I'd hate to wind up scheduling something else during time I could spend with her... but someone else who's fun to spend time with... I think I can do that.

The girl I mentioned earlier, the one that I managed to get set up with another woman? We've been talking. And I... well, I might have a bit of a crush. I know nothing will ever come of it, but... it's the first time I've had feelings for someone -and- a crush on someone else. And a lot of the stuff I've been reading on poly sites and books and whatnot is making more sense now. So, yeah. It has a decent chance of happening again sometime in the future. So... when it does, I figure I'll be ready.

I think this might be considered a breakthrough. I dunno. It feels significant tho. I actually... feel more sure of it? Still dunno. But that's my headspace right now.
 
So, where to start, where to start.

First off, to address something from that last post: Girl I said I might have a crush on? Hooboy, yeah, no. Turns out she's... possibly sociopathic, but definitely not right in the head. No contact there, whatsoever, for the best. Yikes.

Okay. So. Tonight was the big group date type thing. Karaoke. With a bunch of people I don't really know and want to impress. And I can't sing. So do I go for something easy, something crowdpleasing, something obscure? I go with a love song, and while I do bad enough to make -myself- cringe at some of the missed notes, I get applause and afterwards get told that I'm invited to the next one too. Four Red Bulls later, I'm getting in the next-to-last song of the night and... well, I don't slaughter the song, but I give my best shot to Fat Bottomed Girls. Most of the group had left by then and I was highly caffinated, so I gave it some gusto.

I... had fun. I was in a social environment with people I barely knew, I had had a really rough week, but between Light and everyone else... I had fun. I... may have also tried some new herbal help. No, not pot, I have bad lungs, I tried 5-HTP. Perfectly legal, bought at Walgreens, and I'm told it helps with depression and social anxiety. So I had one early to see if there were any side effects, felt okay, had a second before I left for the night. I... was amazingly relaxed and non-unfomfortable. Relatively. Still some uncomfortableness, but the difference was amazing. I highly recommend it to anyone who has serotonin issues, but check for interactions with your meds first.

Anyway. Last night was... like danging a steak in front of a dog. I've decided that poly is going to be in my future when I have the time -- minor digression, we may be speeding up the timetable for paperwork and whatnot, it depends on what kind of bills we get in the next week or so. I've been trying to apply part of what I've learned via poly to my relationship with STBX, trying to be more open and honest. While it hasn't always been a good idea, it has made a few difficult conversations slightly easier. Okay, digression over -- the group night included a segment of the polycule that is... I guess 'three-dimensional' is the best way to describe it. And... the love and happiness that almost flowed of these people, no matter who was with who, who was singing, who was dancing, whatever... it was intoxicating. Especially for someone who has trouble opening up to others unless text is involved. I... I want that. Very badly. I think... I think I would be amazingly happy in that sort of situation. But I know how difficult it would be to find that many people that I could feel safe with. Someday, maybe. Who knows.

And after the karaoke wound down, we went back to my place, put on a movie, and yes, personal time ensued. Never a complaint about that. And amazingly, afterwards... she fell asleep in my arms. Awesome feeling. Perhaps not so much when she woke up, rotated 90 degrees (Her bed is north-south, mine is east-west), stole the blanket we had on, and then fell asleep on top of the rest of the blankets, leaving me with... barely enough of a single sheet to cover myself with. And my room is chilly. :) I faded in and out of sleep for the next few hours, too tired to stay up but not wanting to pass out because... just knowing that she was able to fall asleep and stay asleep like that... it's a hell of a feeling.

Of course, she doesn't sleep much, so after a few hours she woke up and we said our goodbyes, and I went to sleep once I got word she'd gotten home okay. And I know I had fun, because I had nightmares about something happening to prevent it from ever happening again. Starting to think yeah, I have more anxiety issues than I like to consider.

Anyway... I'm a bit frazzled at one thing. I'm pretty sure that I'll never find someone that I'll have this strong a connection with. So at some point, I pretty much said that to Light; that no matter what happened in the future, she would always be first in my heart. And she says she's glad... but hopes it won't happen for a while, because she's enjoying having me all to herself. We joked a bit about how non-poly that thinking was, but really... I've never been so happy and yet confused at a statement before. Maybe I'm trying to move forward too fast? Or does it matter since I don't have the time to try to add anyone into my life right now? I don't know. The thing I thought would help make her happy turns out to be something that wouldn't right now, and I... I dunno. I'm probably going to just shrug and say "Well, we'll see what life does". It's been working well for me so far.

Thinking about writing up a post of things I've learned from poly for elsewhere... but my headspace just got nudged again, so I'm trying to figure out where I am now.
 
I need to learn scheduling better. I committed to a date night this weekend, forgetting I had promised STBX that is stay home all weekend and let her go out with her BF. So I had to cancel the date, which was sad for me and apparently very sad for Light; the only chance we have to see each other for the next week will be Thanksgiving. And her husband and other SO will be there, so not exactly intimate fun time.

But in happier news, we got in a movie last night, and I was given... Well, something that feels much more important now that I have it. Everyone in the local ' ule has these necklace pendants, one of the couples makes them. Sver hearts with infinity symbols. Well, one was made for me of just the heart, with a promise to 'upgrade' if needed I. The future. I have it strung on a piece of wire around my neck right now -- gotta get a clasp over lunch. When I first heard about them, I was like "oh, that's neat"... Now that I have it, it's like... I dunno. A symbol of acceptance? It's cool.

A friend asked where I got it, I said a lot of the group I'm hanging out with has them. He said, "If I remember from college, that means you're taken but can still get laid, right?" I just sort of paused. "That's like reading Kafka through Google Translate. Technically, you're close, but you're missing out on a lot of the details and meaning." Not somebody I thought would have experience with poly symbols, but then, we did go to the same college, so...
 
I spent Thanksgiving day at Light and Chill's with a bunch of people. My first Thanksgiving in over a decade where I was not related to anybody present (My son being born before my first thanksgiving with STBX... and okay, yeah, that's not a blood relation, but tell that to the birth certificate). It was... slightly awkward, as I didn't know everyone there... and wound up meeting my other meta, which... yeah, okay, that's over with. It certainly helps having met him, knowing he's not some faceless boogeyman. I'm still... not 100% okay with that yet. Which is strange. But it's certainly helping with the processing.

Anyway... it was great. Awkward a bit, but great. I had been worried that it would... I dunno. Feel like I was a guest. I felt like family.

My side job is over. Payment has been made. I can now afford to get the divorce paperwork done and filed. And I now know that the thing I was afraid of losing... that feeling of being part of a family... it's not missing. It's just changing.
 
Also, I reread the post before this one. I need to stop trying to post from my phone. That looks horrible. I'm sorry.
 
Thanks for that... I might have just lost an hour if my life, lol. It is good stuff!
 
Ah! This is amazing. I now can't stop spamming my boyfriend's IM with links to the most pertinent ones. :D

Thank you for telling us about it!
 
So. Another date night. A bit different as we haven't had any time alone together for nearly a week. The first weekend in a while where we didn't get any time. We... Made up for it. With great gusto. I... Well, she makes me feel young again. And feel that mid-late-30s isn't nearly as old as I thought it was.

And when we were done and satisfied, I found myself needing to ask her about what she'd said before. About wanting me to herself. She was very diplomatic in her answer... But you could tell she wanted to say yes. So, I smiled, kissed her, and told her I wouldn't be looking for anyone. Unless life decides to drop someone in me (like, oh, every relationship I've had, ever), I'm all hers. I know it's not quite poly of me... But I've decided in happy where I am. Year or two from now, maybe I'll reconsider. Someone pounces me at a party, well, whatever, we'll see where it goes. But I've got no need to turn on that OKCprofile or start looking for dates. it may be the worlds strangest interpretation of being poly... But I can't do anything normal. :)
 
I don't think it's a strange interpretation at all. :) plenty of people who identify as poly have long times where they are either happy with just one lover or while maybe wishing things were different accept that they don't have time for more than one. There are no rules. It's your life and you're both happy this way for now. That sounds awesome.
 
I agree with Confused... there's no right or wrong way to poly. It only matters what's right for you and your partner.

And just because you're in a relationship with a polyamorous person... that neither means that you *are* polyamorous or that you have to *act* polyamorous. Just look at the people on this forum who are monoamorous/monosexual but have poly partners... or the ones like me who are polyamorous but whose partners are not. If you're happy being with only Light and can accept that she isn't only with you... it's all good.
 
Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it has been over two weeks since my last post...

Anyway. Things are going well here. Busy, with the holiday season, but then isn't everything?

Light and I continue to wish we had more time together, but making the most of what we get -- sneaking in lunch dates, occasionally 'stacking' dates... like my company Xmas party, followed by a movie and personal time. On a side note, I've been with this company four years. This is the first time I've been to the Xmas party because the other three, STBX found a reason to not go and insisted I stay with her. I don' want to say she's been controlling, but the more I look at it in retrospect...

Anyway. My mental health has been improving greatly with someone stroking my ego, although I'm now back on meds to try and help when I'm not around her. Hearing phrases like "Wow... you really know what you're doing, don't you?" is great for a short-term ego boost, but might actually make being apart from her even more lonesome. I'm even at the point where I'm pretty sure no sane man would be able to know as much about his STBX's sex life as I do without wanting to scrub his brain with bleach... but I just don't really care, as long as she's happy. I've actually recommended she read The Ethical Slut, I think it would really help her with the guilt she's always felt over being a nymphomaniac. Which is probably the weirdest way my association with PolyCulture has affected my life.

So, I've stuck true to saying I wouldn't go out and look for another partner. There's an outside chance it might happen anyway; this friend I've been talking to and trying to help with life problems -might- be into me. Not sure. Not even sure it's a good idea. But I'm in no rush to... well, rush things.

Especially after tonight. During the post-date-night bar run, Light says "Everyone seems to think it wouldn't work, but I think we're proof it's possible for someone to have two primaries and have it work." Quickly followed by the "I don't believe in their heirarchial label stuff, but it's the closest I have for it." Didn't matter. I was grinning like an idiot. Just hearing her say that... I'm a very happy man. And, apparently, a primary. Still makes me smile just to type.

So, yeah, things are good here. Didn't want people to think I'd vanished. Happy Holidays to all!
 
Merry Christmas, all!

Today was my first Christmas splitting time between my two families: My son And STBX) in the morning and early afternoon, then with Light and Chill and others for a while, then back home. I don't know how people do this on a regular basis; I wanted to give both sides more time, but there's only so much time there.

But we're there, sitting on the couch, watching Netflix... Chill on one side, me on the other, Light in the middle, we're both holding one of her hands. And... it was right. Perfectly natural. My brain surprises me sometimes still. Not a single bit of awkwardness. Part of it might just be... this connection between us is so strong... we've both acknowledged it's a long-term thing. We expect it to last years, if not decades. "It feels... different, when I say that." "Because we're not kids anymore. They say they'll be together forever, they don't know what that means. We've been through marriage, divorce, decade-long relationships... we know more of what we're talking about." "We mean it." "Yeah."

So... I'm committed. I can't marry her, but at this point... I wouldn't want to get married anyway, so it's not a problem. And the local polycule continues to accept me and help me get back into socializing and generally being friends. They're all awesome. Also, huggers. Which would make the old me nervous, but the new me accepts happily. Which also lead me to what I'm considering a 'minor poly moment'. At a party last weekend, accepted a hug from one of the locals, and thought to myself "Wow... her boobs feel great..." Which actually made me pause for a moment when I realized I didn't feel guilty about thinking that, mentally shrug, and go on. When I told Light about it, she laughed and guessed exactly who the hug had been from. "I think pretty much everyone has had a crush on her in the last year or two."

So... yeah. The change is still ongoing, but I'm to the point where I'm pretty sure I'm no longer mono, not quite poly yet. Call it poly-adjacent. Call it nothing all all. Fuck labels. I'm enjoying life.
 
... and now, STBX, who thought this whole poly thing was a bad move on my part, may be becoming FWB with a married woman.

The irony, it is thick in this life of mine...
 
Due to conflict with STBX, my plans to attend a New Year's Eve party are cancelled.

Which, due to other scheduling things, means last Saturday's date is most likely the last time I will see Light in 2014.

This makes me incredibly depressed.
 
It sounds like your S2BX wasn't very considerate about your feelings. Either that or Lady Luck did not smile down upon you. Or both. Sorry you have been stopped from seeing Light. I hope you will see her again very early in 2015.
 
So, things have sucked, but are working out the best they can. We're officially out if the 'be civil' phase of the separation.

But, in a funny update: The woman STBX was talking wasn't looking for a FWB so much as a unicorn for her and her husband. So STBX shut them down. Started talking with a new guy online for a few nights, only to discover it was Chill. Which for some reason I found hilarious. That would be the only way to make poly parties more awkward for me. :) Luckily, Chill decided that would just be too weird for him.
 
It seems that reality is stranger than fiction ...
 
My apologies; I know it's been over a month. Things reached a strange mix of stable and strange that I just... had not much to write about.

In my online travels, I have found a couple new friends who, it turns out, were oddly similar. Both were in their mid-20s; both were going through their first big breakup with someone they truly loved; both smart, funny, and easy to talk to. Naturally, this meant I wound up developing little crushes on both of them... which, y'know, wouldn't've happened if I was in a monogamous relationship, but let's not place blame.

Neither one is going to go anywhere; one doesn't like to share and is trying to wait until marriage (And I'm not going through marriage again), the other is kinky as hell and says "But I don't fuck friends." But the fact I can develop crushes on people and feel out how they might play out is, I think, a positive step.

On another note, the STBX and I have worked out a set schedule for who needs to watch our son on which nights, giving us an easier way to schedule dates and events. Which is good. But we're practicing the 'every-other weekend' plan we're putting into the divorce papers. Which means I lose half of my weekend dates with Light without the gaining of the entire rest of the two-week period to do things in. I am a bit deprived, especially when we can only arrange time to be intimate on the weekends due to house-sharing schedules. This has made me, who was once described as a sexual camel (One night and he's good for two months), to become very frustrated and needy.

Combine all these things, and I'm finding myself considering a second partner. Which is bad, as I don't have the time I want to spend with the one I have. But at the same time...

See, last night was date night. It was great. And yes, sexytimes. And afterwards, cuddling. And we talked about the future. And wanting to be together for a long time. And I asked her, if she wasn't married, if she would marry me. She said yes. Keep in mind, I just said above that I don't plan on ever getting married again. For her, tho? In a heartbeat. I think she knows that.

And then, today. She had a date with... did I give him a name? Let's call him Other, her... I dunno, I guess Friend With Benefits. It's never really been defined for me beyond him being her first poly relationship outside marriage. I don't ask. She knows I have a major issue with him; I don't know why I do, logically I'm okay with it, but for some reason he hits my guts the wrong way, not like Cool does. So I, a stranger in a strange land, go to the sports bar and watch my beloved Patriots win a damn good football game. And I've got my phone, so I'm Facebooking with people from back east and family and whatnot, and watching the game and having a beer and eating wings... and when the game is over, I head home. I collapse onto my bed. And it's empty.

If poly is about people meeting different needs... I have needs that need meeting. I just don't know when I'll be able to find someone to meet them. But I think... I think I'll need to start looking here, eventually. I have found an amazing woman to be part of my life, and who will be part of my life until, god willing, the day I die... and it's not enough. And I do not feel greedy or ashamed or guilty. I simply feel a need to love more, to be loved more. And I'm okay with that.
 
That's cool; glad to hear you're still hangin' in there.

Perhaps things will get simpler after the divorce is final?
 
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