Intro to me & my intro to accidental poly

L

libertinelover

New member
Hi. Not sure if I or my situation is technically poly. I say accidental poly because I didn't mean to fall in love and I gather just screwing around isn't poly but if love is involved it is - ? But then although husband knows and consents to me having a f'buddy, he doesn't know or consent to me loving my fb, so in a way it's an emotional affair I guess.

Anyway I want to share my story on here and maybe gain some other perspectives on any issues, because there's not really anyone else I can ask who could understand and not just be judgmental and negative.

So about 15 months ago (Oct 2016) my husband of nearly 20 years & I agreed to have an open marriage. It was kind of funny the way it happened because it wasn't planned and the initial ideas that sparked it off were completely altruistic .
I had been writing a novel - a love story, through which I was experiencing many of the emotions of a new relationship, even the butterflies and a little arousal! So I was very happy. To help my writing I had been thinking about my various boyfriends and encounters before I was married and though I missed the excitement of the first kiss, I felt more sorry for my husband who had much less experience and memories to cherish (I was his only girlfriend and he'd only kissed one other girl & nothing else) - so I said, "You can kiss someone if you want." I think he said he wasn't really interested but I could if I wanted. Then he said I could have a quick fling.

Now people naturally attribute his offer to either a guilty conscience or a desire for a fling/affair himself. You just have to trust me that's not the case. It was purely altruistic because he knew I'd always quietly missed the butterflies and arousal of a new partner. See, after just a few years of marriage I was no longer aroused by him or anything he did, only by my kinky fantasies. We managed to continue a reasonable sex life (or at least a semblance of one!) with compromise on both sides.
He later said he was a bit drunk when he suggested the fling, but didn't take it back :)

My initial idea wasn't about me at all, but I took up his offer very quickly. I contacted my old boss with whom there'd always been an attraction. I hadn't seen him in over a decade but luckily he somehow hadn't aged and the spark was still there. We had fun a couple of times (actually 3-somes with his gf - a friend of mine) which I supposed constituted a 'quick fling' but of course I didn't want to stop. So I suggested an open marriage so I could continue to play with my friends and hopefully my husband could either join in or find his own FWB. Though he rejected joining us and was realistic about his chances of finding a FWB, he agreed quite readily.

Since then he has turned 2 friends into friends with benefits (one is overseas but the other has become a regular thing). I'm delighted for him - and for me as I realised the danger in him getting nothing out of it.

My first FWB (ex boss) was ideal for NSA fling as I knew we wouldn't fall in love with each other. My arrangement with my FWB was fun for a few months but for various reasons I had to find a new FWB. Having the fling with him proved to myself I could separate & enjoy sex without love, so I was confident I could do it again.

I found M through a swinging/dating website and we hit it off immediately. I was soon infatuated with him and tried to hold back from really falling in love (while still seeing him) as that could surely only end badly. One day I decided to stop fighting it as I could love two men at once and it didn't have to change anything.
Though I would like to spend a lot more time with M, I know living with him would absolutely ruin our relationship, so I'm not even tempted to leave my husband for him.

I haven't let my husband know how I feel about M because it would only hurt his feelings and worry him. Husband usually knows when I'm spending out with M but doesn't want to know the details. It's been hard at times and felt weird not to be able to talk to my husband (& best friend) about what's going on in my life. But I know it's for the best as it wouldn't be fair to him to hear how much more fun I have with other people (M & I swing together) and he wouldn't understand the kinky things I enjoy with M.

We are all very happy with how things are and I think we have all been pretty lucky it's worked out so well.

There's just one little thing that bothers me: sometimes the belief that M doesn't love me breaks my heart a little. I don't really know if he does or not - what I believe goes back and forth. The thing is, I know he is extremely fond of me (his words) and treats me with love so it really shouldn't matter and I feel stupid for caring about it so much. When I believe he doesn't love me I feel unworthy of his love. I hate this and don't understand why I need this validation from him when I've never needed it from anyone else.
 
Greetings libertinelover,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I wonder if coming right out and asking M whether he loves you would be the thing to do. It might break your heart a little if he says no, but at least you'd know and wouldn't have to wonder/guess. On the other hand, even if he says no now, that doesn't mean he'll say no in the future. People's feelings about things can change/evolve. In the meantime, you must decide if you want to keep seeing M if you know he doesn't love you. I am assuming you want to keep seeing him for now because the relationship is very enjoyable.

If there's any way Polyamory.com can help, just let us know.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I suspect that M is holding back because none of you are really poly and that's what swinging mono people do. They try not to fall in love with other people's spouses.

Before pursuing that further you really need to talk to your husband. Transitioning from an open marriage with fuck buddies to poly requires that. You say everybody's happy, but your husband doesn't even know what is going on with you.
 
Thanks for your replies :)

A few times I have asked M how he feels about me. He has expressed infatuation and is "extremely fond" of me and said he wouldn't use the "L" word as he "doesn't know what it means anymore". He has also expressed a wish to not complicate things, and keeping our primary goal as sex. I think I'd rather live in hope/fantasy that he's in love than hear a definite 'no'.
I just have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter anyway. It would not change wanting to be with him or the fun we have. Finding love was never the point, just a nice (though sometimes confusing) extra.

Vinsanity, I'm not sure quite what you mean by "Before pursuing that further you really need to talk to your husband. Transitioning from an open marriage with fuck buddies to poly requires that."
I like the idea of poly but it's not worth upsetting my husband for an idea or ideal. I have no desire to include M in my family life or make any other changes to the status quo.
While it would be nice to be able to share my feelings with my husband and would be more honest, it would be hurtful to him to let him know that I'm in love with another man with whom he could never compete sexually.
 
So it is your theory that lying to your husband is less hurtful? When your marriage is based on a lie it will be found out eventually. That means you will have to deal with having done two hurtful thi gs instead of one.

Im not saying to get in hubby's face and make some sort of declaration that you are in love with someone else, but what you going to if M does actually fall in love with you? How do you expect to hide a full blown relationship? Now is the time to.broach the subject with hubby. If you are sure it would hurt him too much, then end it with M. Otherwise it's just a disaster waiting to happen.

I realize this is not what you want to hear, but it's the reality of your situation.
 
libertinelover said:
Thanks for your replies :)

A few times I have asked M how he feels about me. He has expressed infatuation and is "extremely fond" of me and said he wouldn't use the "L" word as he "doesn't know what it means anymore". He has also expressed a wish to not complicate things, and keeping our primary goal as sex. I think I'd rather live in hope/fantasy that he's in love than hear a definite 'no'.
I just have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter anyway. It would not change wanting to be with him or the fun we have. Finding love was never the point, just a nice (though sometimes confusing) extra.

Vinsanity, I'm not sure quite what you mean by "Before pursuing that further you really need to talk to your husband. Transitioning from an open marriage with fuck buddies to poly requires that."

I like the idea of poly but it's not worth upsetting my husband for an idea or ideal. I have no desire to include M in my family life or make any other changes to the status quo.

While it would be nice to be able to share my feelings with my husband and would be more honest, it would be hurtful to him to let him know that I'm in love with another man with whom he could never compete sexually.
Click to expand...

I agree with Vinsanity. It sounds like you're transitioning from monogamy to swinging to polyamory.

You may love M without desiring to live with him. Fact remains, you love him. Fact remains, you didn't realise that humans are prone to falling in love with (or at least be infatuated with) our sex partners. It's hormonal, it's normal biology. Nature works on our brains to make us want to be with our lover frequently, and have frequent sex, to increase the possibility of conception and reproduction. We get obsessive about the lover, we think about them "all the time," we get aroused thinking about them. We think everything they do is adorable, etc., etc.

If you lost desire for your husband years ago, and are getting "kinky" (swinger) sex with bf, one of your long held fantasies, it's understandable you prefer bf M right now.

You may love your husband only platonically at this point. He represents stability and safety, emotional and financial.

You don't desire him. You desire M. You even now feel you "love" M. You have told M you love him. You've broken your agreement with your husband. You're patronising him when you say you're trying to not hurt him. He deserves to know. Be honest, say you planned on just NSA sex, but it's become more, against your will. You've already run the risk of your relationship changing with hubby when you became a swinger. You now have crossed another bridge. You didn't mean to. It happened from your inexperience and long held sexual frustration. Writing a book about sex, love and romance was just the first step in you making a big life change for yourself.

Experienced swingers usually do things to prevent love from happening. They avoid too much sex with the same person. They avoid deep eye contact. They avoid romance and non sexual dates. They avoid cuddling and literally sleeping together, ie: napping or overnights. They put their clothes on and separate once they've had sufficient orgasms. They take their spouse to the swinger events.

Even swingers who become long term sex partners with others, and say they love them, it's generally couple centric: you bring your spouse or long term partner, the others bring their long term partner. So it's more like a double date or a coupled up vanilla party. Not a romantic date with someone who isn't your long term nesting partner, as you've arranged it!

It sounds like you haven't done any "love prevention" activities. And so here you are: you don't desire your husband, you love him platonically. You desire M sexually, you feel you love him. You're yearning for him to say "I love you back," even though he cautions that is not what swingers do.

Things are kinda messed up!
 
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