Introducing me - Mono Marriage of 15+ yrs with husband saying he's now poly

T

Taiel

New member
Hello all, I am new to the polyamory world as of a couple of months ago. Technically I've know a little bit about polyamory for about two years now, but only really getting to know what it's all about for the past two months. I've done searches on this forum trying to find a female in a similar situation that I'm in, but haven't had any luck.

I have been with my husband for over 17 years (married 15 of them) we have both been monogamous and faithful to each other without any desire to find someone else. Overall we've had a solid partnership that has stood the test of time because of our love for each other. I've had a hard time getting him to talk about his feelings over the years despite asking many questions. When I mentioned it to my sister-in-law or friends I was always told it was because he is a guy. He has always told me he loves me and has shown me that he loves me throughout our marriage, yet there was so much more I wanted in our daily communication. Two months ago the flood gates opened.

In December he came to me and said he was attracted to another woman, he also said that this was the first time in the whole of our time together that he felt this much of an attraction to another woman. Then he asked me to think long and hard about giving my permission for him to act on this attraction to see where it led. After two weeks of pure hell I gave my permission, in hindsight it was more because I wanted all the confusion to end rather than feeling totally comfortable with the situation, even though I thought so at the time. Story cut short: she turned him down and I felt relief. Relief because I thought we would go back to how things were since he said that he wasn't going to look for trouble, that this was another blip we got through and made us stronger as a couple. Little did I know that this was only the beginning.

Now, after reading more about polyamory my husband now believes he is wired poly and has asked me to consider opening our marriage. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around all of this. I've read the memoir Open and am currently on chapter 3 of Opening Up. My husband has read both of these books and I am trying to catch up on my knowledge so we can discuss everything together.

What I would like to know from this forum is if anyone is in a similar situation as I am. A female, who is/was in a monogamous long-term relationship whose partner believes himself to be poly. Questions I'd like answered (if they can be): If you are now in an open marriage/relationship how did you come to that decision? Is it still working out? Are you still happy with your decision? Could you go back? Are you still monogamous?

If you decided against opening up your marriage/relationship how did you decide it wasn't for you and how did you break the news to your partner? How did your partner take the news that you couldn't go poly/open?

Thanks in advance for any help/advice anyone can give me.

Taiel
 
Hi and welcome

I'm a mono female in a poly relationship and there are a few others here. I'm sorry I'm not really in a frame of mind to go into too much depth right now. I'm a New Zealander and one of our major cities has just had a major earthquake.

I have detailed my journey on my blog www.polyamorouspeople.com. Our relationship is now fantastic but it has taken a lot of work. Look over the earlier posts as they are more about the struggles.

My partner did try to go mono but I didn't like it. It was like part of him was missing.
 
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Hi again

Sorry about yesterday I was a bit of a mess.

I hope you have had a chance to look around a bit and if there is anything you'd like to ask me just post it on the New to polyamory section (I'll keep an eye out). There don't seem to be many other female monos posting on here at the moment but there are a ton over a yahoo groups (polymono group).

Trust me, it can work but you have to want it to and you both have to be prepared to do the work.

Good luck
 
Thanks Sage

My husband actually found your blog and I have been reading it from the earliest to the latest. It has helped some. I feel that I still need more. I will post any questions I have on the New to polyamory section.

Since you said, "Trust me, it can work but you have to want it to and you both have to be prepared to do the work." I'll post my reply here: At this point I don't want it and can't understand why he does. Which is why I'm here and trying to learn more about it so we can discuss it on a more even footing. I do know that if I do decide for it that we would both do the work to make it work.
 
I didn't want it either. For a long time I tried to ignore it, minimize it and basically just hoped it would go away. Maybe it will for him; it didn't for Z.
Some polyamorous people do seem to have a choice as to whether they pursue it or not. Z doesn't, it's part of who he is and in the end I had to decide whether I really did love that person or a manipulated manifestation that I dreamed up to satisfy my own needs.
"To fear love is to fear life and those who fear life
are already 3 parts dead" Bertrand Russell
 
Hello Taiel. I am a mono woman who is in a similar situation to yours. I don't know that I will be much help except to empathize with you because I am basically in the exact same place.

My husband and I have been married for 12 years (first and only "love" for me) and he had an affair with someone who was a "friend" to both of us. Right now we are trying to work through what the next step is. I am incredibly hurt and scared, but I still love him and I believe that he loves me too. Like your husband, this one other woman brought this whole thing to the forefront and now he has realized that he is poly. (I have a very longwinded post about thisw under New to Poly)

In a way I am relieved to know that he is poly because it was like there was this shadow hanging over us at times that was intangible (and I don't think even he knew what it was) and now it is in the open.

We are just going day by day and I am trying to remain hopeful in the love that I feel for him and I know he feels for me.

Hugs!
 
There are several women on the boards who are in similar situation. You might have more luck if you read through the other forums (not "new to poly" or "introductions") as most posters are in the other forums.

If you want some kind-hearted, patient advice, do a search for "MonoVCPHG" and then read through his posts.

He's a monogamous person through and through, in year two of a relationship with a polyamorous woman. Not the same dynamic obviously. BUT-he has GREAT advice (from a mono perspective) and a VERY compassionate nature. ;)

Sage also has great information, but you will find that out already, cause she's already replying to your post. ;)
 
Taiel said:
.At this point, I don't want it and can't understand why he does, ahich is why I'm here and trying to learn more about it, so we can discuss it on a more even footing. I know that if I do decide for it, that we would both do the work to make it work.
Click to expand...

Hi Taiel,

I like your name. It has a nice roll to it.

Here's one big thing that's really simple, that I feel gets overlooked a lot, especially in the early (shock-induced) phase of understanding poly. What feels right/comfortable/fulfilling about a relationship varies a lot between different people, and it even varies from day to day. I think we all know and understand this, but lose sight of it under fire.

Because of all the varied interests and responsibilities on our plates just going about living our lives, what we are getting from our relationships can simply be "enough." We're full! And that "fill point" is what varies in people and from day-to-day. So if we are full, we figure everyone else should be too, right? Not happening, because tomorrow the roles could be reversed. It's just how it is.

So I wouldn't over-complicate this. Look at it like any appetite difference. The objective is, everyone would like to be full, including some nice dessert, and we'd all be happier.

Get cooking.

GS
 
Taiel said:
What I would like to know from this forum is if anyone is in a similar situation as I am. A female, who is/was in a monogamous long-term relationship whose partner believes himself to be poly. Questions I'd like answered (if they can be): If you are now in an open marriage/relationship how did you come to that decision? Is it still working out? Are you still happy with your decision? Could you go back? Are you still monogamous?
Click to expand...

Hi Taiel. I am in a somewhat similar situation. I don't have time to say much now but here is my original post, if you are interested:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3653&highlight=brand+hurting

To briefly answer your questions: I decided to try going along with my husband's poly relationship because I could see he'd be miserable if I asked him to end it. I was miserable myself for several months. Like you, I couldn't wrap my head around it at first, but as months went by and I got to know his girlfriend and had time to get used to the idea, it came to seem natural and right. It's still working out, though it's a long distance relationship until this summer when she moves back here. I'm happy and don't think I'd want to go back - my husband and I are a lot closer after going through this together, and I have a dear new friend.

Just give yourself a lot of time to process everything. It is such a monumental change that you can't just accept it overnight; it really takes time to absorb the idea and grow into it.
 
Taiel said:
.... If you are now in an open marriage/relationship how did you come to that decision? Is it still working out? Are you still happy with your decision? Could you go back? Are you still monogamous? .... l
Click to expand...

We came to "that decision" when we both understood that fully loving another would in no way diminish the love we have for one another--also full. When we understood that love isn't a pie that shrinks by giving some to others. (It's a magical pie, that can grow by giving it away!) We also recognized the fear of loss associated with loving multiply as a constrinction of the heart that needed to be opened and released, rather than clung to and cherished.

We're happy with our decision. We would not "go back". And we're certainly not monogamous.... However, neither of us has yet found a lasting other love partner (of a 'romantic' sort).

We have joy in knowing that it is safe to have other experiences of love, that we can do so with each other's blessing..., that fear need not restrict us....

We're in no way perfect. We have our "stuff". But we're here for eachother.
 
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