Introducing myself!

J

JennDL81

New member
Hello, my name is Jennifer and I'm 36.

I live in a small-ish town in Ontario, Canada and am in my first serious poly relationship. I've only ever had monogamous relationships for myself in the past (in the sense of "real" committed relationships) but have been the third in a couple more casual arrangements.

I had never considered poly relationships to be something I'd actually be interested in long-term because of how they're portrayed on television and in media. I'm not religious so I couldn't say that was my main reason and I could never see "sharing" someone and not having a relationship with the third. For example, the "sister wives" I've always seen are typically friendly with each other but maybe I'm selfish because I wanted my own relationship with the wife too. Turns out, that's actually a thing and I didn't know it... so here I am! I'm lovingly considered the other wife to my best friends Sarah and Christopher who have been happily married to each other for 16 years.

Anyway, we met online and were not looking for more than just a friendship and see if anything more developed from there and now we've all fallen in love and hope to have a life and a future together. I'm in love with Sarah as much as I'm in love with Christopher, and its the same with them towards me. I mean, the relationships are different but that is to be expected no matter who or if it's poly or monogamous so I'm more than thrilled with how things are going. We've made verbal commitments to each other, and have exchanged jewellery as tokens. We're all at the point where we'd like to think about moving in together. I'd have my own room and we've discussed sharing their bed/my room and what to do with how to explain me. They'd love if I permanently was in their room/bed but I'm not sure as I think maybe they need their privacy for their relationship too... but we'd figure that out as it wouldn't be immediate. Their children are young, and so I'd be considered more their nanny/caregiver (which they were looking into getting anyway) and we'd ease them into the truth of the situation eventually and in age-appropriate ways. Their kids love me, as do most of the family I've met of theirs though they all just believe I'm a very good friend who comes for a few days when I can to help out right now.

Now, the major problem is with my daughter. She's 16 and it's been just the two of us for most of her life. I've had a couple boyfriends live with us in the past but she's always been too young to have much of a voice in the arrangements. And when I was dating casually she'd typically be at her dad's house on the weekends and wouldn't notice that I was going out... so to her, the idea of me dating is new and she really isn't liking it no matter who it seems to be with (I had dated a single man last year and it was the same thing).

She is very good with both Sarah and Christopher and likes them as people, and doesn't have much to say about the poly aspect (I tried raising her to know that there are all different types of love and relationships and to be accepting of all) but her biggest thing is seeming to be letting me go and to have a life without her. She's concerned I'm trading her in for a "new family" (she knew I had always wanted a marriage with more children but my life didn't go that direction and I am happy with that choice) and so she is opposing everything. She doesn't want to spend time with them with me but she also doesn't want me spending time with them alone and makes it very difficult. It also doesn't help that it's a 2.5-hour distance between our homes, either, so visiting is always more of a to-do than most relationships.

If I suggested moving in, she'd freak out. She hates children so she'd definitely not be interested in joining a family of 4 (under 12). Being 16 and having an almost full-time job she'd be within her rights and means to choose to not come and to live on her own (or with her dad, but she's always hated his wife and did spend one miserable year there) but here's the thing; I don't think that's the best choice for her.

So what to do? It seems easy; parent until she's old enough not to need me because that's what's best for her... but I believe being in a happy, healthy relationship is what's best for me. So while I'm fairly confident with the poly aspect of my relationships, it's this whole parenting thing that is seeming to be what's doing me in. I'm hoping being here I'll find advice and maybe friendship and people who understand!

Thanks for reading! :)
 
Hi, Jenn, and welcome to the forum.

I am in a very similar boat to you, relationship wise, only my "V/triad" is far more long distance than yours. (Different continents.) That said, my two partners are co-primaries and we do all intend to live together within the next year or so, if it can be arranged.

The three of us also met online, as friends only, and weren't actively looking for more than that initially... the relationship/s simply evolved.

At the time I first became involved with Jester, both my "kids" (older teens/college age students aged 18 and 20) were still living at home. I was in the process of separating from their father, to whom they're both very close, so it was tricky.

Despite feelings of NRE for Jester, and later for Boho too... I was careful not to rush things. In fact, I chose to bide my time for almost two years until my son, who is high-functioning autistic, learned to cope on his own and had secured a job and moved out. From the start, I gave Jester a heads up that I wouldn't be able to move out there, or even visit most likely, until I'd made sure my kids were in a settled place... emotionally, financially and in general... and he accepted this.

Your daughter is at an even more difficult age/stage right now, especially considering it's just been you and her up till now. She naturally feels "possessive" of you and your time, I guess, even if you've raised her to understand and accept that there are multiple variations of loving relationships - good job, btw!

Sure, she could probably technically "survive" on her own at sixteen, considering she's working already, but I definitely don't think it's a wise idea at this age, especially not under these circumstances.

Equally unwise would be to force her to either live with a whole "new family", complete with small step siblings... nor to leave her with her dad so you can move in with your lovers. That will probably come off as abandonment/choosing your "new family" over her. It's a tough situation, and I feel for you AND her.

Not sure if she's in school or has plans to go onto college... but if so, this is "only" another couple of years away. That, to me, is often a time of life that provides a natural severing of ties between parent/s and child/ren. Not only would she be a legal adult at age 18, but she'd either be away at college or working full-time, and most likely spend a lot of her free time with friends or her own SO.

I'm not suggesting you cut ties with this couple or curtail your involvement with them, however you may have to think of some clever work-arounds in order to spend time with them for a while. Shake it up a little, so you're not always leaving daughter alone at home... or try to see them at times when she's working (say, if she works some late shifts).

That said... ^ there comes a time when older "kids" have to accept that parents aren't JUST "mom" or "dad" and are actually living, breathing, human beings with needs of their own. A lot will depend on the state of your relationship with your daughter and her general maturity level.
 
I have a slightly different take. Being a good parent doesn't mean you have to bow to your child's every wish in order to make them happy. It sounds like she is like most kids who have divorced parents. She is not going to like any arrangement short of her parents being together. To put it bluntly, she'll need to get over that. Maybe she could use some therapy to work this out.
 
JenDL81,

You don't mention how long you've been with Sarah and Christopher. Is it months? Years? If this is newish (like under 2 years), please wait for your own sake, not just your daughter's. It's easy when in the first flush of new love to hurry moving in together. However, that NRE (New Relationship Energy) can blind one to real problems. You are in love with both, which is great. But what if those connections change? What if you deepen things with Sarah but your relationship with Christopher plateaus emotionally? Also, they have young children and everyone seems to be in agreement that you'd be an important part of their life, as a nanny or some sort of caretaker. If things flame out, it is not fair to those kids to have you yanked out of their life after they get attached to you. (Plus they may get attached to your daughter too, even if she doesn't like children.) This seems like a good situation, with everyone doing their best. That's worth waiting for and being cautious. Also you are modeling love and relationships to your daughter, even if she is icked out by the idea that her mother has a separate existence apart from her. Would you suggest to her that she run headfirst into a potentially difficult situation? Or slow down and think? Wait to see how things go?

Ok, moving on.

Your daughter is terrified of losing you and losing the 'two of you against the world' dynamic you've had so far. That's not an irrational fear. Moving in with your couple, and their kids, could really change your relationship with her. She would not be an only child anymore. You would interact with other children, your focus would not just be her anymore. She would have to figure out how to interact with Christopher and Sarah, people who are strangers to her. Those are real losses, real fears.

That doesn't mean you should automatically dismiss moving in with them while she is living with you. Change is always scary. Your relationship with her will change but that's inevitable anyway. You also deserve to live your life as best you can, to have romantic love too. If you decide to move in with them, perhaps there are ways you can reassure your daughter through actions and words that you will always love her, she will always have a special place in your heart and life, that she is not replaceable with other children, or that she will lose you to a new family.
 
Hi Jennifer - I will leave the advice to the more experienced but will just welcome you to the Forum and wish you luck on this new journey! Al
 
I'll add my voice to those who suggested giving serious consideration to slowing down the moving in together process. Since I don't know how long you've been together with these two lovely people, my reason for saying so is that your daughter is 16. Odds are that she'll be flying the nest in a couple of years(?), and while a couple of years may seem like a very long wait, it may not be so difficult if you can manage to spend time with your partners during that waiting period.

Your daughter is both at an age where her feelings, needs and wants need to be given serious weight AND when she needs you to help her in her transition from adolescence to early adulthood. That would be my priority were I in your shoes. That's a difficult transition for anyone, and being supported in it is crucial.

If your daughter were not so resistant to joining with this other family at this time, I'd not say any of that. I'd say "go for it".
 
Thanks for all the words so far! Yes, this is relatively new (<1 yr) and still in the first stages of consideration on how to go to the next level and when. There is much to consider before making any actual decisions on moving.

My daughter is the biggest hurdle because, as was mentioned in the one reply, it is true that she dislikes ANY relationships I'm in - platonic or otherwise. Her dad and I split when she was almost 2, so she doesn't have memories of us together but we've always been great friends and they've had full access to each other the whole time. They even work together now. I know one of her fears would likely be moving out of town and not being able to see him as often, although as the adult and more logical one I'd like to point out until a few weeks ago when he started working with her she only ever saw him once a month other than holidays since she turned about 14 (her choice).

Anyway, so I don't believe she has the hopes we'd get back together as we've always been very open in our communications about life and love and she knows I love him and made a great choice for her dad but we would be no good as marriage partners and she agrees (I was 19 and he was 21 and neither of us had any ideas what we were doing). And for my serious relationships in the past she was introduced to she would always try her damnedest to put wedges between my partner and I. At the time if I would notice I would just shrug it off as typical kid stuff and I didn't address it because (being 100% honest here) I knew they weren't going to be forever partners so it was ok that the relationships ended. This is stuff I've only figured out the last few years through therapy and reflection for personal growth/health. I have tried getting her to go to counselling and she's gone a few times but never sticks it out or actually participates long enough to see any benefits.

I know impulsivity is one of my weaknesses, which is another one of the reasons I've come here. I crave information from people who've been there and done that... even just the parenting parts relating to dealing with dating and teenagers (my mom passed 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant so I haven't had much help there). I know with their kids the relationship technicalities and explanations need to be addressed differently than with my daughter due to their ages, their more conservative families and their eldest daughter being on the autism spectrum. This is something that also will require time and planning and not something we can rush into. The kids love me and I love them too and wouldn't want to do anything to hurt them. **Mine included** so definitely not moving anyone anywhere until all t's are crossed and i's dotted and a solid plan for moving forward in place. I'm just such a worry-wort that I like to have as much information as possible before making any decisions.

Thanks again for everything you guys are sharing.
 
Greetings Jennifer,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I think you have the right idea, plan carefully and make sure everyone is on the same page. Your daughter is reluctant to give up the dynamic she is used to: you and her against the world. Hopefully as she gets older she will realize that you have your needs too. Hopefully when you move she will move with you, but I realize that's not guaranteed. If you can wait until she's 18, she'll be in a better place to live on her own if that's what she wants.

I hope you'll keep posting as your situation evolves ... and we'll try to keep giving up-to-date advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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