Introduction

J

Jarhead

New member
I am not new to the concept, but now feel a need to explore the possibility.
Have been in a relationship for 18 years with the last 8 without love making. Then any intimacy declined to nothing. I attempted to discuss this on 3 occasions, very carefully, and was met with defensive attitude.
A couple of years ago I indicated another wife would be nice, which resulted in a positive response. I look at this as a door possibly opening?
I am a person that needs the intimacy, the touching, kissing, cuddling, and talk with, etc.
I have read an introduction to "More than two" which has been helpful.
Any input would be appreciated.
I know this is a brief synopsis with out any description of personalities.
G
 
Greetings Jarhead,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sorry to hear your relationship has been cold for so long. I hope polyamory provides an alternative for you. Continue reading and learning as much about polyamory as you can. There is a lot to learn. Let us know of any questions you might have.

Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Sounds familiar in a number of ways, but I'll try to simply sketch some questions in for you to ask yourself and your wife, and not project my stuff too much here.

Are you military? Are you the primary earner? And do you have dependent children?

Would it be alright for you, if your wife sought another partner also?

Because (harsh possible truth coming, brace yourself)...her lack of desire to be intimate may not be a simple lack of need for it, or interest in it, although it may VERY likely feel that way to her. It may have a lot to do with buried processes in the dynamic between you and her...one I consider very possible in a marriage of this duration and circumstance, is that she's got to be strong and capable in many ways to the point of building walls, losing the ability to be vulnerable with you, and putting her own needs not only last but so far out of the picture she loses touch with them.

Also, question of medical causes such as birth control choice is relevant. If she is taking Depo Provera or another hormone based birth control, this can seriously effect not just libido but the desire and ability to enjoy intimacy. When I was on Depo, I no longer needed friends and didn't even want to be touched, I was loving to my kids but no one else.

Beware the "relationship broken; add more people" mistake...if your foundation isn't strong, you could encounter difficulties in exploring polyamory.

Just some thoughts for you. Best wishes!
 
Spork,
I appreciate your input and questions posed.
I am former military, former cop, former insurance investigator, 12 year former competitive body builder, and disabled vet. I am no spring chicken. My wife will be 62 this year. No dependents. She is Directer of nursing in a facility. Very strong when it comes to the job and responsibilities.
No birth control here, as she is unable to bare children. She has an adopted son with her 1st husband.
You bet she has walls and I cannot penetrate. If I attempt to discuss any thing she becomes defensive. I suggested she go talk with someone. She said "she could take care of it herself". Vulnerability is a good question, but she does not talk about "feelings". We recently went thru a 3 month period of her not talking, except when she wanted something. And I mean absolute silence. I could cut the atmosphere with a knife. This was a result of me confronting her about alcohol intake. I cannot tolerate a drunk.
I know she cares or she would not have stuck with me thru some bad PTSD periods.
The question "would I be ok if she wanted another partner"? I would say yes, if that would make her happy.
She has recently warmed up a little with some conversation, but nothing meaningful.
And, yes you are correct, add another person in the equation at this point would create more problems.
Am I grasping at straws? Probably? Nearing the end of my rope.
I am open to any and all suggestions.
Again, Spork I appreciate your input.
G
 
What about the idea of meeting with a poly-friendly counselor?
 
Former military, now living in the mountains.

Is it possible that you've moved from a wide social network (perhaps living on base?) and that you're quite isolated now (apart from her working hours)? Is your wife missing her old friends and/or just the chance to hang out OFTEN with acquaintances / people who share her interests?

If this is so, maybe
a) she needs a wider social circle;
b) she resents you for taking her away from the one she had before. (Hence the total silence.)

Just a shot in the dark.

Furthermore, is it possible that you get out and about more than she does? If so, I can imagine her resenting THAT.

Another possibility that springs to mind:
I am former military, former cop, [...] 12 year former competitive body builder
Click to expand...
3 "he-man" pursuits. Could it be that she fell inlove with that "he-man" image and has become disappointed at finding you winding down?

Another shot in the dark.
 
Hello MrFarFromRight,
She does not have a social network. She really does not have any friends that she would talk with other than to fuss about something to those closet to her at work. The fact she has no close friends concerns me, but that is the way she is. Oh, and she DOES resent the fact I got rid of her goats. All 14 of them. And that I barked at her as a result of the alcohol. I have never yelled or spoke crossly at her. Just raised my volume a tad to get her attention. She started the concept of living in the mountains and gladly. The point was to get out of Albuquerque and away from people. For the most part Nam vets tend to isolate. She likes it just fine here on the mountain away from people. The body building kept me alive thru the real bad PTSD. Pumping metal relieved me of alot of anger and energy and kept me from suicide. After years of counseling at the VA I have been well grounded for 14 years.
We met at Gold's gym. She was a personal trainer. She was featured in the March 98 Muscle and Fitness mag.
I am different. I was not all those HE-MAN characters to show how big my dick was. Being a Marine and a cop with a badge and gun made me no better than anyone else.
And please do not take my response as anger or insult. I really appreciate your input. The only way we are going to find the answer is asking questions.
G
 
I'm not opposed to being involved with people older than me, or with vastly different life experience, but the marriage you are describing would have me beating feet for the exit if I so much as met you for coffee. Three *months* of high tension and not talking? You unilaterally got rid of her goats? She maybe has a drinking problem?

If the last time you discussed opening the marriage with your wife was a few years ago, you cannot assume you have the green light, and if you cannot have a conversation with her, you cannot find out.

If you truly cannot have conversations with her, perhaps you need to stop being married. But you cannot both have your marriage in its current disastrous state and healthily pursue outside relationships.
 
OK, here is another thought, from personal experience with people.

I have seen something happen more than once. A person goes into social isolation, and is convinced that they are FINE and happy with this. Unfortunately it starts eating into their mental health, because humans are (like it or not) social creatures. Even if it's not a big network...most of us need some kind of a social web, and connection on points of common ground, and positive contact.

As well as things that help us to define our own individual identity, and take pride and purpose from.

Unfortunately (very unfortunately) many who go down the road of identity loss and isolation, resist and put up a fight when well meaning loved ones try to nudge them in healthier directions. "No that's not the problem, you have no idea what the problem is" or "Nothing is wrong" turns into this personal quest to be and remain miserable, and to drag down anyone nearby.

Of course, when I posted before I did not realize her age...maybe she just WANTS a quieter life and perhaps she really doesn't have much sexual desire. But I would say that alcohol abuse is a problem regardless and you were justified to try and intervene. Does she do any other substances such as MJ? I personally think that pot is relatively benign compared to alcohol in many ways, but I've also seen habitual users get locked into ongoing mentally unhealthy states that are hard to break out of. (Bear in mind I ask this because I live in Colorado...what do you think I see all around me here?)

I feel for you, it is really hard to seek solutions for someone who does not want to be helped and does not want to change. You cannot fix the situation by yourself if she's dug in her heels. And while you might find some distraction and happiness with another partner...the same problems will continue to live and breathe in your primary relationship, and it sounds like more than a sexual lack. It sounds like communication blackout and a lack of intimate, loving behavior between you.

I'm sorry that you're experiencing these troubles.
 
Jarhead said:
She started the concept of living in the mountains and gladly. [...] For the most part Nam vets tend to isolate. She likes it just fine here on the mountain away from people.
Click to expand...
Is she a Nam vet as well? You've deflated my "resents you for dragging her off to mountain solitude" scenario, but Spork is right:
A person goes into social isolation, and is convinced that they are FINE and happy with this. Unfortunately it starts eating into their mental health, because humans are (like it or not) social creatures.
Click to expand...
I know: it happened to me I chose (and happily) to move to the mountains. It was pretty isolated from "the outside world" but there was a good community feeling between the neighbours. Then circumstances changed (the mountain school was closed down) and 90% of the neighbours moved away. Even before they did, there were times when I was just about going crazy. I DO need wider social contact.

Without knowing your motives, I think getting rid of (her?) goats was a bit of a boo-boo. I've had goats as well, and they are not like other animals. One can get really attached to them. And perhaps they were a necessary part of her dream of isolated living. ("At least I'll have the goats to keep me company.")

That's just a detail, but I wanted to say in general terms that you shouldn't have the attitude: "This is my wife's problem. SHE's got an alcohol problem. She can't get her shit together. She's stopped communicating with me... etc."

Relationship dynamics are built through the interaction of 2 (or more) people. Virtually never does one side have all the blame for things going wonky.

And quite often, one side thinks that communication has broken down, because "(S)He isn't talking to me." Whereas the other side sees it as a case of "(S)He only talks AT me." Communication doesn't work if one (or both) side doesn't (or don't) LISTEN... and respect what the Other is saying.

I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm not a fly on the wall at your house, so I don't know how you treat each other. I'm just throwing ideas around that you might want to consider.
Jarhead said:
And please do not take my response as anger or insult. I really appreciate your input. The only way we are going to find the answer is asking questions.
Click to expand...
I neither considered that you were angered at me, nor did I take insult at your reply. These threads are for interchange of ideas, support, and the airing of theories, possibilities, etc. If I have been of help, I'm happy. If not, I've only wasted a bit of your time (and a little more of mine).
 
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