Irreversible clusterfuck

[smithereens]

In March of this year, a coworker walked up to my partner of 9 years and introduced himself. My partner and I were always open to inviting older hot guys into our relationship, so i was enthusiastic! I encouraged my partner to flirt with this guy, and to go on dates, in the hope that this coworker of his would become our third, which is a naïve idea in hindsight, but still.

Cut to November, 2023. I am sitting here listening to my now-ex partner have sex with this guy every single day and night. (They don't close the door while they fuck.) I feel like I'm going insane. I don't think I can take it anymore.

i read all the books. I read all the articles and blogs and forums and talked to all my friends. I did everything I was supposed to do. I communicated my needs consistently. I genuinely tried my best to make this situation work. I was open to this new experience and now I am suffering restlessly for it.

How did we get here? Well, my now-ex partner, let's call him "Zack" (we are both 25M, his new partner is 40M) says "We had some problems before this," i.e. before we moved in with this new guy. Let's call the new guy "Reggie."

Let me make this apparent: Zack and Reggie are good for each other. I am happy to live with them. However, they trigger me constantly. Every day, I feel terrible to see them together without me. I can't accept that my relationship is over, and that now I'm living with these two people who seem evermore like strangers to me.

When we moved in together around June (which is super fast, I know, 3 months is not long enough, but it made sense for us) we all had sex together several times. For a month we were having sex together every night. It was the best time i've ever had in my life. We were all intimate with each other. Reggie even referred to us as "his boyfriends."

Then suddenly we got into the groove of living in this new space, and my boyfriend suddenly is fucking this guy all the time without me and never inviting me to the bedroom. We each have our own rooms, but they sleep together every night. So, naturally, I am getting more and more jealous and upset by this, because I went from cuddling my boyfriend every night to him sleeping with a stranger.

I bring this up to my partner Zack consistently. I communicate that our lack of intimacy is upsetting me, I need some form of security and understanding as to whether or not I am going to be included in intimacy anymore, with who, or what the relationship status between all of us is.
I expected to become a triad, but it became more like a V, with Zack as the hinge.

Zack would not give me any meaningful response. He would mostly just say, "I don't know," "I'm sorry," or shut down completely, saying he can't talk about this right now.

After some excruciating weeks of me begging him to give me answers, while he would not communicate with me effectively on any level, I eventually asked, "Do you still like me romantically?" to which he replied, after considerable silence: "I don't know. I'm confused."

This shattered me, and I knew it was over. He never broke up with me. Zack made me break up with him. I couldn't handle him not meeting my needs or communicating with me anymore, all the while he was sleeping with someone else and never cuddling me, even on our 9th anniversary which was at the beginning of October, or on my birthday, which was last week. That was kind of the final straw.

He just kept demoting me casually by saying things like, "I don't know if I can, or want, to be super your boyfriend right now." What does that mean? That's not breaking up with someone, that's putting them on the backburner and telling them to deal with it. I still don't understand what is happening.

He said there were problems in our relationship before, but I said, maybe you shouldn't have accepted a new relationship at the time when you knew there were issues between us. Issues that you never communicated? Especially when we have a long-term commitment to each other? yYu know? We've been together since we were 16, now we're 25, and suddenly he gets this new opportunity to start a relationship with a stable, established older man, who has his shit more figured out than me, who he has no previous issues with. So it's very convenient for Zack to suddenly lose all his romantic interest in me, all interest in intimacy, because he's too emotionally immature and passive aggressive to actually fix things with me. It's so stupid! Everyone I talk to says the same thing:

They're pushing you out, and you got infinitely screwed over.

They insist they are not pushing me out, definitively. They both want me to stay there. Zack says we are soulmates and life partners, and that we can be friends for life.

I don't know. That would be fine, but I'm listening to them have crazy sex while I write this. I'm constantly triggered and emotionally devastated. I don't know how to move on while I am watching them be happy together. It's so insulting and humiliating and displacing and cruel. Ethically, I can't accept what they're doing to me. Even if I was fine with it emotionally (I'm not, I'm a Scorpio w/ Scorpio Venus), it would be ethically appalling and repulsive.

I don't know. What do I do? i don't want to move out. I love these people. They keep hurting me and excluding me. I'm so sad. I don't know what to do. I've considered really extreme solutions to this problem, if you know what i mean. it's very depressing and stressful. These are my only significant attachments in my life. Now I'm out fucking 6 strangers every week, trying to fill the void in my soul. It hurts so much. I can't understand why people I care about, and who genuinely care about me, are doing this to me. It's so beyond surreal.

I know most of the advice you can give is: get out of there fast, but it's hard. We were very codependent, which was part of our issues, but we could have worked it out. I'm in intense grief over our relationship, but he's already moved on. I don't know if I can stay here without actually losing my mind.

Maybe lend me some compassionate condolences if you can. Advice is welcome, just be nice about it. I've heard the harsh truths. I know what's up. I've been played.

I just need someone to hear me, because I believe in polyamory. I believe in loving more than one person. these people are NOT polyamorous. Why can't these people accept me, or include me in their lives? We're not incompatible, or unattracted, but it just became complicated so quickly, beyond my comprehension. I did everything I was supposed to do. I really think they are just emotionally stunted and somewhat vacant, in some ways, for being capable of this degree of otherization and stonewalling.

We still hang out everyday, like in the living room and we go out for meals. We eat dinner together, the 3 of us are very domestic and it's amicable. We're not mean to each other. They're actually very nice to me, and I love them a lot. which makes this so hard, because it feels like the ultimate rejection x2.

I mostly feel dead inside and I cry all the time. I'm making new friends and spending more time without them, which is the right thing. It just sucks so bad. I wish I could go back. I still want to fix things with Zack and I am deluded enough to believe we can all be together someday. I need to let go of that dream. It's so difficult and I wish this was just over already.

 

[Magdlyn]

You definitely have my sympathy. It's so devastating when a person you've loved for so many years seems to change overnight and fall completely into NRE with someone else, seemingly so callously!

I've been through that.

You certainly do need to get out so you don't need to hear their stupid lovemaking every day and night. That's just horrendous.

Consider going to the doctor and getting some help for your depression and pain. Therapy and maybe meds will get you functioning again, in time.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I hope you feel a bit better for the vent.

I am sorry to hear about the break-up. It sounds like a soft, passive break-up, but that is what it is. It is over. I suspect because you two dated since you were 16, that's part of why the break-up was bungly. People usually have a hard time doing their first break-up.

Even if you are willing to be exes and friends, or even roomies later on, I think you need to move out for your own wellbeing. You have had no time yet being apart, and being "plain exes" from this double break-up. Living there, watching them be a couple still while you are the ex? That's hard. I suggest you think about moving out so you can HEAL.

Until you can move out, get up and SHUT THEIR DOOR. Think about noise-canceling headphones and those under-the-door noise blockers for all the bedrooms.

I don't know if the floor plan is three bedrooms in a row. But ask if they are willing (since they are at it all the time) to share sex with an empty bedroom between you, even if it means changing bedrooms around to create a "buffer bedroom," so you're not in the middle bedroom and have to hear it on this side or that, every night.

I know most of the advice you can give is: get out of there fast, but it's hard. We were very codependent, which was part of our issues, but we could have worked it out. I'm in intense grief over our relationship, but he's already moved on. I don't know if I can stay here without actually losing my mind.

You don't move out because it's easy. You move out to save your mind! Your mental health matters.

Maybe lend me some compassionate condolences, if you can. Advice is welcome, just be nice about it. I've heard the harsh truths. I know what's up. I've been played.

I am sympathetic. I'm just not sure you got played or that framing it like that is helpful. Mostly, it sounds like you and Zack jumped in blind with Reggie. It started great, with group sex, and everyone wanted it to pan out as a triad next. You jumped into living together. It did not pan out. Now Zack and Reggie are in NRE with each other.

Zack doesn't sound like he is experienced at being a hinge in a poly V, either.

I just need someone to hear me, because I believe in polyamory. I believe in loving more than one person. These people are NOT polyamorous.

Yes, it is super disappointing it turned out this way.

Why can't these people accept me, or include me in their lives? We're not incompatible, or unattracted, but it just became complicated so quickly, beyond my comprehension. I did everything I was supposed to do. I really think they are just emotionally stunted and somewhat vacant, in some ways, for being capable of this degree of otherization and stonewalling.

It's entirely possible that everyone underestimated their ABILITY to do poly well. Mere WILLINGNESS to go there doesn't guaranteed ABILITY and SKILLS.

I think you all need time apart. It is emotional whiplash to go from romantically and sexually involved to exes/friends/roomies. I think you need to be "plain exes" before trying to change again to "exes and friends." You move out and have at least a month of no contact. And then you leave it as "exes and friends" for a long while before trying to bring back "roomies."

It is also okay to NEVER be roomies again. Living in the same apartment complex might be all you care to do, or maybe not even that. Friends who live in the same town might be better. You do not have to be next-door neighbors, or live in the same complex.

We still hang out every day in the living room and go out for meals. We eat dinner together. The three of us are very domestic and it's amicable. We're not mean to each other. They're actually very nice to me. I love them a lot, which makes this so hard, because it feels like the ultimate rejection x2.

It sounds like they include you as a roomie and friend. It's just hard because you are the ex and are mourning the loss of two partners. It's a double break-up for you. For each of them it's a single break-up and loss of 1 partner. They are still dating each other, so it's not a double whammy for them, like it is for you.

I mostly feel dead inside and I cry all the time.

Understandable. This JUST happened. You are grieving many things.

I'm making new friends and spending more time without them, which is the right thing.

I'm glad you are doing that. Everyone could use a little space.

It just sucks so bad. I wish I could go back. I still want to fix things with Zack and I am deluded enough to believe we can all be together someday. I need to let go of that dream. It's so difficult. I wish this was just over already.

It sounds like you recognize you are in "bargaining stage" of grief. You will feel many things as you navigate the stages of grief. Maybe you want to Google them. They don't all happen in order, some loop back around, some don't happen. But it may help you if you know what might be on the table as you do your grief process and eventually heal enough to get to final acceptance.

If you are having a super hard time, you might think about talking to a counselor so you get some extra support.

I'm sorry this happened like this though.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello smithereens,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I guess I don't understand why you can't move out? You have done everything you're supposed to do (books, articles, blogs, etc.) and nothing has worked. It seems to me that moving out is your last and best option.

I get the impression you still harbor the wisp of a hope that Zack will invite you back into his bed, and that Reggie will do the same. I can see that Zack and Reggie are deep in NRE with each other, and that for some reason, you are not a part of that, they don't have NRE for you. So why torture yourself? Remove yourself from the situation. Move out.

I don't see why them wanting you to live with them, is adequate reason for living with them. They are torturing you. Are you going to participate in that torture? I don't think you should. They are not treating you well, and their wants and opinions should not figure into your choices.

You know, you can still love them from afar, you don't have to love them up close. I actually think you have more feelings for them, than what they have for you. I actually don't believe them when they profess love for you. Their actions speak louder than their words. I think they are talking you into continuing to live with them just mostly out of politeness and convenience.

I feel that their influence is unhealthy for you. It confuses your thinking. It wreaks havoc on your emotions. It's almost like you are addicted to them, they are the drug that you just can't stop taking. You would need to go sober for a while, before you could overcome that addiction.

Leaving them would not necessarily mean leaving polyamory. You could still be a polyamorist at heart, and when the opportunity arises, you could become a practicing polyamorist again in a much more healthy way. All polyamory is not created equal, some polyamory is good for you, and some polyamory is very, very bad for you. That is what you have right now.

It seems to me that you are dealing with a situation of unrequited love. You are in love with them, and they are in love with each other, but they are not in love with you. Zack has fallen out of love with you, and I guess Reggie has too. I'm very sorry.

Are You in Poly Hell?
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.