Is everyone a potential dating partner unless stated otherwise?

M

MsEmotional

Member
I am new to poly. I have met up a few times with someone I met from OkCupid. We talk about our spouses and our transitions from monogamy to poly. He and his wife are less new to this than we are, so most of our conversations are me asking questions and him providing his limited insight so far.

I kind of assumed that since we were talking very generally and also (when specific) talking about our relationships with other people, that we were on a "just friends" trajectory. But the last time we met up I was kind of getting a different vibe from him. Not because of anything that he said exactly -- more from the way he was looking at me. I am attracted to him too, so maybe he was just mirroring the way that I was looking at him and this exact same uncertainty is what is going through his mind too?

I don't have the energy to put into any more relationships right now and I am wondering if I need to make this more clear. I am used to the "I am already seeing someone else" status being a message of non-interest in itself from my lifetime of monogamy. Is there an expectation amongst poly people that everyone is a potential partner unless explicitly stated that you are only interested in friendship?
 
There isn't an expectation that everyone you meet, ever, is a potential partner. But OK Cupid is a dating site. Most people there are looking for someone to date, in a romantic or at least sexual way.

Do you state clearly in your profile you are only looking for platonic friends? It's kind of giving out mixed messages to this guy, if you are attracted to him, and putting out that vibe, while at the same time you're really only interested in meeting poly friends to learn about poly. You'd better tell him asap. Clear and open and honest communication is imperative in the poly world.
 
Magdlyn said:
There isn't an expectation that everyone you meet, ever, is a potential partner. But OK Cupid is a dating site. Most people there are looking for someone to date, in a romantic or at least sexual way.

Do you state clearly in your profile you are only looking for platonic friends? It's kind of giving out mixed messages to this guy, if you are attracted to him, and putting out that vibe, while at the same time you're really only interested in meeting poly friends to learn about poly. You'd better tell him asap. Clear and open and honest communication is imperative in the poly world.
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When I set up my profile, I was looking for romantic interests. I have since disabled my profile and told this friend that the reason I was doing that was that I was wanting to focus on seeing where the relationship I was in was headed. So I feel like I have been clear about where my interests are in general -- but do I need to be more specific about my intentions toward him?
 
MsEmotional said:
When I set up my profile, I was looking for romantic interests. I have since disabled my profile and told this friend that the reason I was doing that was that I was wanting to focus on seeing where the relationship I was in was headed. So I feel like I have been clear about where my interests are in general -- but do I need to be more specific about my intentions toward him?
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Of course you should. I'm not saying he should expect you to become romantic with him. If you know where you want this to go with him you should be specific though.

Personally, if someone told me what you told him I would ask what that meant for us. Most likely I would be fine with that, but it's good to know where one stands.
 
Be blunt with him. Like a blunt hammer or flat piece of wood. Sometimes with hormones raging we don't get the blunt message the first time. Be blunt again.

Just my thought since you thought you may have been giving mixed messages.
 
Hi MsEmotional,

I would probably tell him something like, "I do think you're an attractive person, but, I don't have the energy to put into any more relationships right now. Is it okay if we just continue to be friends?" This way you're letting him know he wasn't imagining things if he picked up your vibe, and he's understanding why things aren't progressing romantically. Anyway that's my take on the situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
MsEmotional said:
So I feel like I have been clear about where my interests are in general -- but do I need to be more specific about my intentions toward him?
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I'm not sure I'd tell someone I didn't want to hook up with them because I thought I got a "vibe" from them. Might be unnecessary awkwardness due to a possible future situation based on an assumption. I'd just go about my business and if there is any actual indication from them that they want to be romantic with me, I would address it at that point.

No harm in having what you are going to say ready so that you can be sure to be kind but make your answer crystal clear.
 
Update

Thought I'd come back on and give a little update.

So he and his wife went out of town for like a month and before they left he notified me that he would be off the grid during that time and unable to answer text messages -- said he didn't want me to think he was ignoring me. I thought it was a little strange that he thought to contact me specifically since we hadn't talked since we met up the last time, but I also appreciated his politeness since if, indeed, I were to text him and he didn't respond for a month, I would have assumed that he was ignoring me. (It's more a matter of I wouldn't have been hugely upset by that and when he got back and explained I would have totally understood).

Today he texts that he's back in town and asks if we can meet up for coffee because he has some things he'd love to talk about with me. I say sure. So we are getting together tomorrow.

At this point I hadn't been giving this issue a second thought for quite awhile and so it hadn't been something I have acted on. So I am not planning to have a "define the relationship" talk unless I get information that we aren't on the same page. It really does sound like he just wants to talk and I figure unless I get information to the contrary, I am going to assume that this is just friends. Is that reasonable or should I say something tomorrow regardless? I feel like I am torn between not wanting to give mixed signals and not wanting to be awkward!
 
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I think it's totally fine to just answer whatever he says. You don't need to start The Talk unless he says something that makes it necessary
 
You are over thinking this. Enjoy the friendship, if you wish. If he makes a clear indication of interest, address it up front. Addressing it right now is premature​ and presumptuous. He has done nothing but look at you, this whole thing has been spun up in your head. Is someone pressuring you to define things with this man?
 
I don't think you're spun up, Ms. Emotional, I think you're just running things past us because all of this is new to you. You're right on track. Most people would love to have a partner like you who thinks about how her actions and words might possibly affect others. I'm interested to hear what he has to say and wouldn't be surprised if he is all crushed out on you.
 
It's funny to me... Some people have bad radar to be able to tell when someone is interested in them sexually or romantically. We've had people here say they, or their partners, don't respond to subtle or even more overt flirting.

If someone is hitting on you, can't you tell? Certain types of looks, glances, smiles, eye contact, attempts to touch your hand casually, things like that, mean he is flirting with you.
 
Thanks everyone. It turned out to not be an issue at all. I wasn't getting the "attracted" vibes from him this time and I didn't feel any need to clarify anything. Perfect end to that drama -- I didn't have an awkward conversation and I also feel like the relationship is clearly platonic and doesn't need any explanations.
 
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