Is it OK to ask my partner to request that metamour not interrupt our time together?

S

scarletzinnia

New member
This is a bit of an odd situation in that metamour and I have some rocky (albeit brief) history.

I have been with my boyfriend C for almost a year. He has another girlfriend of about the same longevity, plus a wife of many years. I also have a husband of many years, and another boyfriend who is an infrequent LDR. I have a good relationship with my two other metamours, but C's other girlfriend has been a bit of a problem for me. She avoided any contact with me for months before we met, she was standoffish bordering on rude the one time we did meet, and she abruptly cut off all contact with me when she didn't like a polite request that I made of her (a request she was perfectly free to say no on, and no, I was not asking for anything inappropriate, quite the opposite). Since then, boyfriend has tried to keep our relationships completely separate and I am fine with that.

The problem is that this woman feels free to interrupt our time together for non-emergency matters. She doesn't do this a lot, it's not like it happens every hour, but it has happened often enough to be annoying considering that I don't get much time with him (two or three evenings a month typically, not all of them overnights). Once we were having a sleepover and she sent him a text at 1 a.m! He was sound asleep, I was trying to sleep, and I had to listen to it beeping (he slept through it, he takes sleeping pills). Of course, I found out that it was her the next morning and it was not an emergency in the slightest. He apologized for not turning his phone off, but I really feel that the problem was, she was not respecting our time together. I believe she does know when he is seeing me, since I generally know when he is seeing her.

He went away with her for four days this weekend and I did not contact him except to see that he arrived safely, and he didn't contact me at all (we tend to have at least a little contact every day). It's their first weekend away and I want to respect their time together. He and I will be getting OUR first long weekend away in a few weeks and I want her to show us the same respect. I can't request this of her, she refuses to have contact with me. But can I ask that of him? Can I say, "I really do not want your other partner texting you when we are having our weekend together, can you ask her to restrict texting to emergencies once she knows you have arrived safely?" Is this reasonable? I know part of the reason I want this is I don't like her, don't respect her, think she treats him badly, and want no reminder of their relationship when I'm with him and trying to have a good time.
 
To me your request sounds perfectly reasonable.

Have you asked if your metamour actually knows when your partner is with you? You assume it since you know when he is with her, but it might work differently between C and his other girlfriend. Maybe he does not tell her anything about you since she does not want to hear? It might well be that she is unaware of the times when you meet C.

Considering this, it would be even more important for you to make this special request for uninterrupted time with him during your long weekend together.
 
Probably be easier for your partner to silence his phone and not text or accept calls when with you. You can tell your boyfriend that you want your time together to be focused on you but it's up to him if he chooses to honor your wishes. In my relationship we do not limit screen time with others when we're with each other. Just because you choose to not interrupt their time doesn't mean that she feels it necessary. And it's not your place to contact his other partners, that's his job to manage his other relationships. I'd probably stop limiting my text time with him since it's not considered disrespectful to contact him when he's with others.
 
I wish he could do that, inyourendo, just turn off his phone during waking hours. But he has a wife and kids and they need him to be reachable. I have no problem with that, family stuff is family stuff. And his wife almost never contacts him when we are together, she is very respectful. So the issue is the other girlfriend. It seems to me that the only way to solve this is for him to ask her to back off when he is with me. You are right, Nadya, i do not know for certain that she knows when he's with me, I only assumed he knew because he tells me when he's going to be with her. So I will definitely ask him if she knows about our upcoming weekend, then take it from there.
 
Really, whether she knows your together or not isn't your problems. It is completely reasonable to expect that your lover be present and engaged with you during your time together, and it's up to him to make that happen on his end. If that means telling her you're together, or simply setting up a "block" on his cell phone for just her during your time together (this is ridiculously simple to do if he has a smartphone of any kind, btw) is between them.

That said, you can't control his behavior, only yours. You can request an action, of course, but he may or may not choose to comply. So, express your needs, as well as your boundaries. "I need time focused on us, in order to bond with you and enjoy our time together. Except for emergencies, would you consider finding ways to allow us that time, without interruption?" If he declines, then you have to decide how *you* will navigate this. Break up? Rethink the types of boundary and your needs to see if there are other workarounds for you? Ask that, during your time together, you set a certain time for him to talk to her instead of it happening randomly?
 
I'm going to second inyourendo's advice. While it sounds like she isn't respectful of your and C's time (assuming she knows about when that is), this falls on C being the hinge. I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to be fully responsive towards you during your time and express some of your discomfort at being interrupted by your metamour. But IMHO, that should come down to him not responding to calls or texts by her, not trying to control her behavior. She can text or call him, but C, as the hinge, has to figure out how to manage that with her. He may choose to have a conversation with her, or he may choose to simply let her know that he won't be responding. And that's on them and their relationship. It is his responsibility to be a good hinge, and then you'll be able to let him know when you feel like he isn't doing a good job of that. Just a few of my thoughts.
 
I'm going to take a different stance. One text at 1am isn't being disrespectful. Receiving texts from important people in your life is natural, what is unnatural is expecting a smart phone to be silent for hours and days on end, especially if he didn't tell everybody that he wants it that way. What if it was his mother or one of his buddies? Would that be OK? If so why? Unless you get the feeling she is trying to steal time away from you rather than stay connected to someone she cares about and these are legitimate simple texts she sends out, I think you are being unreasonable and acting on jealousy and the sense that you own every minute you are with him.
 
I occasionally have this problem with my partner. And that's just it; it's a problem with my partner. He's the one who decides whether or not to answer his messages or calls.

Express to C that he needs to be more present when that happens. If he can't let her first message go unanswered, he can tell her he's busy and will get back to her when he can.
He may of course do his own thing and continue to take time to respond, but if your need for him to be present is reasonable to him and important, there are all kinds of things he can do to not engage with her while spending time with you. Many phones allow for silencing or setting special tones for individuals so you know who is contacting you.

If it's a message here, a message there, it's no big, right? I know when I get annoyed at this behavior, it's when we're supposed to be having time to just us, which is rare.
 
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Just my humble opinion, but unless all parties involved have non-traditional schedules that would necessitate a 1AM text, it can be saved until the morning.

I'll be honest, I get pissed when *anyone* texts me at 1AM if they're not having an actual, real, serious emergency. I don't care if my friend, my sister, or my lover. I don't text my friends in CA (4-5 hours behind me) or my dad in Hawaii (5-6 hours behind me) at what would be 3 AM for them just because I am up and thinking of them. It's rude, and at that point would be about me, not about them, which means if I care about them, it can wait until it would be about them. I work . I can't turn my phone off because I have elderly, ill parents and I am their legal medical PoA, but I still need to sleep. If someone is thinking about me at 1AM, they can tell me that the next morning, and it'll mean a lot more to me that they waited instead of acted selfishly.

My former metamour would pull this bullshit, though she was definitely, 100% doing it to insert herself into our time together and to make sure the time we had was as un-pleasurable as possible (this isn't a guess on my part, she said as much,and started inventing crap to call/text about in the middle of the nigh. Ugh.). My partner couldn't turn his phone off for similar reasons to mine, and she was aware of this. Fortunately, smart phone generally come with a way to block specific people for specific times, so this is less of an issue once you figure it out :)
 
Personally, I think you are right to not expect other lovers etc not to contact him unless its an emergency. Polyamory brings new challenges and this is one of them. If everyone is open and there is no cheating then your partner should be able to give your landline to those people who need to contact in an emergency and then turn the mobile off/silent especially at night. Thats how we do it.
 
Zigzag, it's worth noting that many people (myself included) don't have a landline anymore. So, turning off the cells isn't necessarily an option (though I do agree with the general point of your post).
 
zigzag said:
Personally, I think you are right to not expect other lovers etc not to contact him unless its an emergency. Polyamory brings new challenges and this is one of them. If everyone is open and there is no cheating then your partner should be able to give your landline to those people who need to contact in an emergency and then turn the mobile off/silent especially at night. Thats how we do it.
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And I think that depends quite a bit on the relationship. Roger and I limit our communications when we're out with our other partners, but we still text each other goodnight/good morning. If we're out with our partners for a few days, we decide on a day that we can talk over the phone for a few minutes, just to say hello. We may occasionally send a random text throughout the day, with no expectation that the other responds to it immediately (and oftentimes don't for hours). We confirm that this is okay with our partners, of course. And when Roger and I are together, we are both okay with each other texting our partners through the day, though we have agreed that we don't respond to texts during certain times (e.g., eating at a restaurant for a date). But that's what works for the four of us, and it may not for you, C, and your and his other partners.

I wonder if having some other examples of how you feel like your metamour is intruding on your time and C not containing it better would be helpful.
 
graviton said:
I'm going to take a different stance. One text at 1am isn't being disrespectful. Receiving texts from important people in your life is natural, what is unnatural is expecting a smart phone to be silent for hours and days on end, especially if he didn't tell everybody that he wants it that way. What if it was his mother or one of his buddies? Would that be OK? If so why? Unless you get the feeling she is trying to steal time away from you rather than stay connected to someone she cares about and these are legitimate simple texts she sends out, I think you are being unreasonable and acting on jealousy and the sense that you own every minute you are with him.
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Yeah that's why I never tell nate he can't text others when we're together or I don't stop texting sam when im with nate. Yeah they are both my lovers but they are also very close friends too. I don't stop texting my friends just because they are home with their significant others
 
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I turn my ringer down when im going to bed. If im awake a 1am text doesn't bother me and if asleep it doesn't either. Im rarely in bed that early anyway, im often texting west coast friends that late
 
GreenAcres said:
Zigzag, it's worth noting that many people (myself included) don't have a landline anymore. So, turning off the cells isn't necessarily an option (though I do agree with the general point of your post).
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Fair point.
 
reflections said:
And I think that depends quite a bit on the relationship. Roger and I limit our communications when we're out with our other partners, but we still text each other goodnight/good morning. If we're out with our partners for a few days, we decide on a day that we can talk over the phone for a few minutes, just to say hello. We may occasionally send a random text throughout the day, with no expectation that the other responds to it immediately (and oftentimes don't for hours). We confirm that this is okay with our partners, of course. And when Roger and I are together, we are both okay with each other texting our partners through the day, though we have agreed that we don't respond to texts during certain times (e.g., eating at a restaurant for a date). But that's what works for the four of us, and it may not for you, C, and your and his other partners.
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I agree Reflections, Angel and I do the same, there is a respectful balance.
 
I don't limit anyone, lovers or otherwise, from occasional texting when they are spending time with me, except for when we're either somewhere inappropriate or doing something that it would interrupt (like sex or sleep). But, if I am trying to watch a movie with a friend, and all they do is incessantly text someone (barring emergencies, in which case we just stop the movie), then I'm going to get annoyed. I realize I may be old-fashioned, and this is probably one of those times; but, I believe if you're spending time with someone, you spend time with them, not your phone. A few texts here and there isn't a problem, and I don't care (or, frankly, ask) who they're texting. Just like who they are texting wouldn't matter if the timing was inappropriate. My partner's brother texing him at 1AM without an emergency would irk me, if it happened regularly, exactly the same amount as it would if it were a metamour (and I have the boundary that if it's frequent and my partner/friend/etc. doesn't control it somehow--turning off the phone, talking to them about it, blocking them specifically, whatever--then I will reconsider our relationship).
 
Hi scarletzinnia,

Re (from OP):
"Can I say, 'I really do not want your other partner texting you when we are having our weekend together, can you ask her to restrict texting to emergencies once she knows you have arrived safely?'"
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Yes you can, absolutely. The only tricky part is that

  • he might not want to do as you ask, and
  • even if he does, she may decline his request.
You need to decide upon a Plan B in case one of the above bulleted items happens.

In case it matters, yes, I think it's fair and reasonable for you to want your time with him to not be interrupted by non-emergency calls from her.
 
I see a possible shit storm from this request.

You ask him to have her not contact him while with you and the conversation will probably go like this.

Bf: Hey oso could you please refrain from contacting me while I am with scarletzinnia.

Oso: Why?

Bf: Because she doesn't like it..

Even if he takes the blame it is going to still bounce back to you. Is the drama with it.
 
You've said that this does not happen frequently. A text message beeps for about a second or two. Your partner remained asleep. He did not interrupt anything with you to answer her or attend her needs.

I think you need to admit that you're upset your metamour won't do as you wish her to in other areas. You are upset that she will not be friendly to you, so you are using the tiny amount of power you have to try and control their relationship. Let him answer his messages as he sees fit. If if he starts to say answer text messages during the middle of sex or if he disappears for an hour to chat to her, then you have a point. Right now? You're just angry at her and want to punish her anyway you can.
 
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