Is it OK to ask my partner to request that metamour not interrupt our time together?

Sounded like you were butting in. Even if you didn't call her selfish it's vwry easy to read the lines. You can't really blame her for blocking you
 
If someone puts someone I love in potential danger, I am damned well going to butt in. She blocked me, fine. I don't want to be friends with someone whose emotional age is about twelve anyway. If she'd stop trying to interrupt my dates, there wouldn't be an issue.
 
scarletzinnia said:
If she'd stop trying to interrupt my dates, there wouldn't be an issue.
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Well, you might see her texting as trying to interrupt your dates, and that may or may not be the impetus behind her texts, but you can't control her or manage her relationship with your bf. You can only manage your own.

Did you read my post, upthread a bit? Made a few suggestions.
 
If I was your partner right now, and she was suggesting that I cannot have both you and her, I'd choose her right now. I wouldn't be able to justify staying with you because it is fairly obvious that you have the problem here.

You really do seem like you cannot let go of this control you want over everyone and everything. I think you excuse it to yourself with this thing about loving your partner. The way you behave would not make me feel loved.

You need to be careful that he doesn't opt to dump you. I would back right off, see an infrequent text message for what it is and try and get a hold on some of this jealousy.
 
Nycindie, sorry. I did read your suggestions, I was just dealing with some of the other posts on here. I like what you suggested about simply requesting that he not let non-emergency texts interrupt us and not single out anyone in particular. I will certainly ask for that at least when we are on a shorter date. And I will ask for him to turn off his phone completely when he's sleeping, not just the sound.

Greenacres, I liked what you said about boundaries. It's definitely true that what with metamour's issues (she's bipolar), she may not even be able to comply with a request from him to avoid non-essential texting when he's with me. I think I have tended to want to minimize her mental illness when thinking about her because it's scary to me. In my two past poly experiences that involved a mentally ill metamour, I ultimately wasn't able to stay in a relationship with my partner because the drama they brought sunk my relationship with the guy, both times. And I do want to make things work with C long term. But I need to remember that metamour isn't necessarily in control of her behavior, and also, that he's a different guy than my two exes.
 
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I'm sorry this is so much work and stress for you. It sounds like it's more than her texting him sometimes that is going on here.

I don't know what she asked him to do that you thought would be extremely dangerous for him, so much so that you chose to intervene. But if that kind of danger and other kinds of drama are going on, it might make you question your bf's taste in women, hm?

I know GalaGirl has talked about boundaries around who we feel comfortable with our partner dating. "Messy people," she calls them. Don't date my sister or my boss, etc.

I'd also rather my partner(s) didn't date crazy. I know some mentally ill people can seem very attractive, and some people get that white knight syndrome and feel compelled to help, etc. But if her behaviors are a constant drain on your good times with your bf, I would question his taste.

I've dumped a partner because his choice in other partners was so demanding of his attention. The drama, the rollercoaster, the breakups and reunions, the sadness it would cause him, or the resurgence of NRE and tales of their reunion sex when they took him back, which would make him not present when he was with me, etc etc.-- it just got super annoying. (He was actually dating a married MF couple new to poly, with lots of jealousy issues between them, tugging on him like 2 dogs on a bone.) So after 5 months of hearing about all this shit, and my bf actually telling me he was enjoying the "complications" of it all, I dumped him. I was miserable.

I know you are not to that point yet, but sometimes it's our only choice. :(
 
well if I remember from your other thread you don't respect her because she chose do maintain her relationship with him when he was having trouble with his wife when you decided to back off because you thought it would be more considerate of his marriage not to pursue anything with him and then you were upset that he and her had a really close bond for all those months and basically you came into it as a stranger months later.

I don't think her choosing not to have any correspondence with you makes her crazy full of drama though it sounds like the only drama is coming from your side because you don't like her texting her boyfriend when he happens with you
 
Inyourendo said:
well if I remember from your other thread you don't respect her because she chose do maintain her relationship with him when he was having trouble with his wife when you decided to back off because you thought it would be more considerate of his marriage not to pursue anything with him and then you were upset that he and her had a really close bond for all those months and basically you came into it as a stranger months later.

I don't think her choosing not to have any correspondence with you makes her crazy full of drama though it sounds like the only drama is coming from your side because you don't like her texting her boyfriend when he happens with you
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Amen...

You are coming across as the melodramatic control freak op.

If your bf is so weak that he'd put himself in a life threatening situation at her request why aren't you questioning his choices.

He has picked her as a gf...
He chooses to put himself in a life threatening situation...
He chooses to text her on your time...

He is the common denominator and problem here.
 
I did not "come into his life as a stranger," after we took a break from seeing each other, inyourendo. We talked every single day, all summer long. For hours, typically. I just did not see him, out of respect for his wife and her struggles at that time. We continued the relationship we had started, just not face to face. Just like people do in long-distance relationships. I assume you don't think that people are only in relationships when they are actually spending time together?
 
I just have to say that one of the most fulfilling and loving relationships i've ever had was with a man who is bipolar. OP, you make it sound like being bipolar makes a person totally nuts and unable to control themselves. Like any disorder, it can be managed well. But that's really none of your business. You have a ton of judgments against this woman, but fail to see that resenting and focusing on her so much does you - and your bf - absolutely no good.
 
scarletzinnia said:
I did not "come into his life as a stranger," after we took a break from seeing each other, inyourendo. We talked every single day, all summer long. For hours, typically. I just did not see him, out of respect for his wife and her struggles at that time. We continued the relationship we had started, just not face to face. Just like people do in long-distance relationships. I assume you don't think that people are only in relationships when they are actually spending time together?
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so where do you get off being resentful of her when you didn't even back off if you were talking to him hours a day that's hours a day that he wasn't talking to his wife you're just as guilty being inconsiderate as you put it as her
 
Inyourendo, his wife was otherwise occupied. They had schedules that did not coincide much. Otherwise, it would not have happened. Not that I have to defend myself to you, but that was what was going on.

Nycindie, I honestly don't know much about bipolar. My partner has described my metamour to me as not being in control of her actions at time, and I'm going on what he says, not on any knowledge or other direct experience with the illness. I did not intend to slight anyone or their partners here.
 
Back to texting technicalities

Texting / receiving texts at ill timed moments can be annoying. We turn off text notification on official date nights, though we do stop and check them during down times etc. I leave my ring er on though. Our policy is that emergencies come through voice.
I myself resent the insistence that a random must immediately recieve a response. No one can control receiving the messages. Only how we respond.
Talk to your lover about what sort of cell phone policy works for you both. Leave any issues with your metas out of it.
 
MightyMax said:
You've said that this does not happen frequently. A text message beeps for about a second or two. Your partner remained asleep. He did not interrupt anything with you to answer her or attend her needs.

I think you need to admit that you're upset your metamour won't do as you wish her to in other areas. You are upset that she will not be friendly to you, so you are using the tiny amount of power you have to try and control their relationship. Let him answer his messages as he sees fit. If if he starts to say answer text messages during the middle of sex or if he disappears for an hour to chat to her, then you have a point. Right now? You're just angry at her and want to punish her anyway you can.
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I tend to agree with this. I don't think I've ever sent a text at 1 am, but I can see her assuming he'd be asleep (she probably knows he takes sleeping pills), and thinking it couldn't possibly be an issue.

A phone can be turned off, set on silence, or set to airplane mode overnight. Easy to do.

With a wife and two girlfriends, I imagine it's a challenge making time for his kids! :eek:
 
Suggestion: Look up Bipolar disorder on Wikipedia and find out what you're dealing with. We tend to fear that which is strange and alien to us. Make bipolar something familiar to you. It may help.
 
scarletzinnia said:
Inyourendo, his wife was otherwise occupied. They had schedules that did not coincide much. Otherwise, it would not have happened. Not that I have to defend myself to you, but that was what was going on.

Nycindie, I honestly don't know much about bipolar. My partner has described my metamour to me as not being in control of her actions at time, and I'm going on what he says, not on any knowledge or other direct experience with the illness. I did not intend to slight anyone or their partners here.
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So why judge her for maintaining a relationship with him when you did as well?
 
I think it is always hard to maintain a relationship (much less a poly relationship) when someone with a mental ailment is involved. I should know. I've been diagnosed with many ailments (inluding bipolar, borderline personality disorder and others). It's frustrating trying to deal with someone with a mental disorder. It's a labor of love, if you can stand to love that person.
 
I just read it, kdt, thanks. It does sound like her. It also sounds a lot like my sister in law, who knew?

Inyourendo, for heaven's sake. I didn't SEE him. I wasn't sleeping with him. I backed off on the physical relationship completely out of respect for his wife, who was not comfortable with having a poly relationship at that point. We were only talking, at times when his wife wasn't available to be with him anyway. We had the intent to date if things worked out, but if things never did, I would have just kept him as a friend. I don't think he behaved well plowing ahead with metamour either at that point, I think they both screwed up. As a result, I'm the one his wife approves of and trusts, she can't stand the other girlfriend, and she has told me this on multiple occasions.
 
oh I see so the wife was okay with him having an emotional relationship with you but was not okay with him having a physical and emotiona lrelationship with her
 
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