Is it that hard?

[dgillan]

Hey, guys.

I previously posted a thread called Mono and Poly.

I haven't been on for a while, but I need to chat.

In my thread, I was talking about my partner wanting to explore this guy for one night. They did end up exploring together, even though I told her I wasn't ready. When she told me, I felt relaxed and ok about it, because during the last couple of weeks I had let out a lot of pain and tears, so maybe I felt ready to hear it. She told me that our relationship wouldn't change, and, if anything, she would love me more and give me the affection I need.

Well, there has been a change. She still has the need to see him and think about him. When we're at home, I try really hard to bring back some of the love and affection. But she pushes me away and say's she's too tired all the time.

I tell her how I'm feeling. I say, "I did this for you. Now can you do something for me?" but I think she chooses to ignore it because she doesn't feel that way about me anymore. I have said that I want to move out and get my own place, but she keeps saying that I'm running away from our problem and that I should stay. I'm so unhappy, but I'm so in love with her. She doesn't understand what I need, even though I tell her all the time.

I give her space to live the way she wants. But she can't make me happy. I can't live the way I want. What should I do?

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Your partner is definitely not communicating or acting in a way that indicates she has the skills to balance a poly relationship. Also, she did not exercise patience in exploring her other relationship, in effect, betraying your trust.

Are you running away? Not from my perspective. Is she caught up in NRE, or perhaps not as poly as she thinks? Probably.

Think of the long term when deciding what to do. Is this something that will be worth it, or healthy for you in the long run?

 

[LovingRadiance]

I have to agree with the last poster on this one. It doesn't sound like she's as poly as she claims. I've been poly my whole life and frankly I can't imagine. Just the fact that my husband is willing to talk about it to me made me more affectionate with him and brought back a strength and love and power to my feelings for him, because I could be myself honestly with him in conversation. Forget the acting on it part.

He's trying to open up to the idea, so we spend time with the other man periodically, but only as friends, because I do love my husband and I need him to be comfortable, as much as I need to be honest about who I am and how I feel.

This partner of yours seems to be (no ill regard intended) a bit selfish. I think some serious communication help is needed before anything can move forward.

 

[dgillan]

This guy is so beautiful and one of my dearest friends, so I'm glad if she wants to explore with anyone, that it's him. I do tend to talk about this a lot. I know it's my fault she gets frustrated with me. That's why she has no desire to fulfill my needs-- because I upset her.

She keeps saying, "It has happened now. Let's try to move on and see if our relationship does get stronger."

I think I'm being a bit selfish because I need or want some kind of reward for being the first person in her life to understand what she wants and needs. And because I didn't feel I was rewarded (with one night to ourselves full of kissing and hugging) I did get upset, which made her distant from me.

I think I need to relax and take each day as it comes. I know for sure that we're meant to be together, maybe in the future, if not right now. But it's so hard to leave because we love each other so much.

I'll keep in touch. Your thoughts a very special to me, every one of you. I think the best thing I could have ever done is to come to this web page. xoxoxox

 

[JonnyAce]

"It's my fault she gets frustrated with me. She has no desire to fulfill my needs, because I upset her."

That statement bothers me a bit. Everyone has problems in relationships, but just because you upset your partner, doesn't mean that they should stop wanting to work things out and fulfill your needs, especially when it comes to this situation.

As I always say, I'm new to this, so I could be wrong.

 

[redpepper]

I think Mono is right. She is not able to balance more than one partner in her life. That doesn't mean she won't ever be able to, just that she is working on achieving that.

Having been through that before with my husband and other primary, I can empathize. I felt very unbalanced for some time when it came to starting a new relationship with someone I found I loved more than any other partner besides my husband. I was very caught up in the mystery of him, the sex, the newness, and the fact that my love was so huge.

My husband was very patient with me, and stayed calm and focused on allowing me the space and time to figure out the balance. He made no demands. He was there every moment I wanted to talk without putting his needs and wants into the mix at all. He just listened.

He also did a lot of his own self-esteem building and self-worth building, for no one but himself, and in knowing that I love him, but can't always be available.

I think that perhaps there is something to be said for how she rushed into it. Perhaps that was too fast. Regardless of how much you like the guy, it still was a bit disrespectful to jump in before you were ready. I'm willing to assume that she knows how much she can gently push you though, as I certainly do such things with my husband.

Lastly, you have no idea what the dynamic is for her and the new guy. It may be something that you can not be privy to. Allowing her privacy and respecting her space is probably a good idea, not to mention her right to having her own stuff going on.