Is it wrong of me to feel this way?

IanK

IanK

New member
Me and my wife just entered a poly realtionship, we brought in her boyfriend she really loves. We have been married almost 26 years and they have known eachother for 1 1/2 years, been sexually active since Feb of this year.

Is it wrong of me to ask anytime she wants to do something with him, I want to be involved? Probably is but I have a problem with that. He is 3600 miles away in Norway and we are in Canada. They do it over whatsapp, and we have a sort of threesome with him on cam.

Is it wrong of me to ask this and slowly ease into her having alone time with him? We ae very new to the poly world and would like advice and help easing us into this relationship as smooth as possible.

Thanks
 
There is a perspective in which you could say it is wrong to even ask but I think a better question is why do you think it would help?

I know that if I were him and I wanted to spend time with your wife, I might feel influenced to consent to this activity with you just to spend time with your wife. I also know that if I were you, I would feel awful and creepy if someone consented to sexual activity with me under such duress. It would be consent under coercion and I want people to consent to an activity with me and not regret giving that consent afterwards. I want them to have a positive experience. The chances of that happening reduce greatly if they were coerced to consent.
 
Is it wrong to ask? Of course not. What you are really asking us is if it's wrong to expect or demand it. My answer to that is "Yes".

I remember asking you about this on an earlier thread. You claimed she wanted you to participate. I suspected she was simply agreeing to make you feel comfortable. Perhaps she/they even found it exciting on occasion. Should I assume she has indicated she doesn't want to do that all the time? You should respect that.

Your wording here..."we brought in"... expecting her to "ease into" spending time alone with him, under your control, is problematic. You don't own her. He's not there for your amusement. You have agreed to a poly relationship. Your wife is in a relationship with both you and another man. It's not up to you how they spend their time together.

Right now you seem to be concentrating more on their relationship than the relationship between you and your wife. Are you not getting enough time with her? Are there other problems?

I don't remember if Kevin provided you with his list of jealousy links, but I'm sure you can find good info here on dealing with jealousy if you do a search.
 
I was just curious being new. I knew the answer already and mentioned it in my post. She does spend more time with him then me, shes on whatsapp several hours aa day with him evveryday. I get very limited time because Iam taking care of the kids. I wasnt sure what bounderies are acceptable and what arent. This was one of them, now I know and thank you very much.
 
Hi Ian,

I did post a list of jealousy links for you; you can find that list at http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=454308 in your intro thread.

My first thought is that it would be okay to ask to be involved when she wants to do something with him *part of the time* ... not all of the time. Although, it depends in part on what she, and the fellow in Norway, want, prefer, and need. Do they need some one-on-one time together, or would they be fine with you being involved *every* time? You need to have a conversation with her, or her and him together, about that. And hopefully they would feel they could be honest with you. But as vinsanity said, don't (expect or) demand, just ask. And work out a compromise if what they want differs from what you want.

You should probably tell her that you would like her to spend more time with you in general. Also tell her that you feel like you get stuck taking care of the kids more often than what seems fair to you. These are things she should be willing to work with you on. I hope you can get something worked out that is agreeable for both of you. And for all three of you. All four, if there's anyone you're seeing at the moment.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
IanK said:
I was just curious, being new. I knew the answer already and mentioned it in my post. She does spend more time with him than me. She's on WhatsApp several hours a day with him every day. I get very limited time because I am taking care of the kids. I wasn't sure what boundaries are acceptable and what aren't. This was one of them, now I know and thank you very much.
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Are you perfectly fine with taking care of the kids all day every day while she's sexting and chatting with Norway Guy? That doesn't sound so great to me. Kids' needs come first. Why is this your job 100%? When do you get one on one time with her?

Just because she has a new and shiny toy doesn't mean you should be displaced and demoted to just being a dad.

You can request more one on one time if that's what you want. You don't have to worm your way in to be with her and Norway Guy as a threesome. She's the hinge. It's her job to take care of your needs and his needs both. Otherwise, it isn't really polyamory.
 
Magdlyn said:
Are you perfectly fine with taking care of the kids all day every day while she's sexting and chatting with Norway Guy? That doesn't sound so great to me. Kids' needs come first. Why is this your job 100%? When do you get one on one time with her?

Just because she has a new and shiny toy doesn't mean you should be displaced and demoted to just being a dad.

You can request more one on one time if that's what you want. You don't have to worm your way in to be with her and Norway Guy as a threesome. She's the hinge. It's her job to take care of your needs and his needs both. Otherwise, it isn't really polyamory.
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I feel like third fiddle to her new life. I should be #2 and her kids #1 but she puts starmaker appp and her bf as #1 and 2 me #3 and kids #4. I have to beg to spend one on one time with her. She constantly talking to her bf on whatsapp and messanger and in that app more then shes with me and the kids. I feel cuckolded and humiliated and like crap.
 
IanK said:
I feel like third fiddle to her new life. I should be #2 and her kids #1 but she puts starmaker appp and her bf as #1 and 2 me #3 and kids #4. I have to beg to spend one on one time with her. She constantly talking to her bf on whatsapp and messanger and in that app more then shes with me and the kids. I feel cuckolded and humiliated and like crap.
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She's deep in NRE and making common newbie mistakes. It's ok to advocate for yourself.
 
vinsanity0 said:
She's deep in NRE and making common newbie mistakes. It's ok to advocate for yourself.
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How long does it take for this nre to wear off and she returrns to nornal again? whay can I do to advocate for more of her time. When she talks to him shes sweet and soft, giggling, smiling non stop, she never ever does that with me and its driving me crazy, is it normal and how do I deal with it?
 
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IanK said:
How long does it take for this nre to wear off and she returrns to nornal again? whay can I do to advocate for more of her time. When she talks to him shes sweet and soft, giggling, smiling non stop, she never ever does that with me and its driving me crazy, is it normal and how do I deal with it?
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It is normal, but it's a novice mistake, as Magdlyn said.

NRE can last 6 months to 2 years and would often go on the longer end for distance relationships since there's less in person connection to reduce the rose coloured glasses. She's not just going to stumble out of this herself. You're going to need to sit her down and talk to her about it. Point her at some internet resources on NRE and its effects. It's her responsibility to keep the starry eyes under control and to make sure she's participating in your relationship, too.
 
HUGE red flag that the kids are that low of a priority! My kid is with me 50% or more of the time I spend with my (not live in but not really long distance) boyfriend. Ignoring a partner because of nre is bad, but ignoring your kids is neglect.

Why did the two of you open up anyway? Was it a mutual decision? Was it coerced? Was it to try to fix something? Is it something one or both of you have wanted for a while.
 
Thanks for the info, I will get her to read some stuff on NRE's and research more on a succesfull poly relationship. I have to learn to be competely ok with this.
 
IanK said:
Thanks for the info, I will get her to read some stuff on NRE's and research more on a succesfull poly relationship. I have to learn to be competely ok with this.
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Not sure what you mean by "this" but her neglecting you and the kids and relying on you to pick up the slack with parenting, doesn't sound great and isn't something you have to be completely ok with! It's understandable that you're not okay with this. What are you willing to accept? Can you speak up about what you need and want? She doesn't have to meet your needs but you don't have to put up with what's being dished out.

It might be time to think about separation, even for a trial period. Having an escape plan can make it easier to have confidence in stating your needs in a situation.
 
She left me for a guy in Norway, then 5 weeks later wanted to come back, when she came back she wanted to be with him. She wants both of us. I agreed to this as the only way to save our marriage. I am going to speak up. I have no escape plan. Iam affraid if I speak up she will leave again. Its like I go with it or shes gone.
 
I wonder if her leaving you for the guy in Norway, shook your basic faith in the security of the marriage. So now you feel like you can't even speak up for yourself, or she will leave, and maybe this time she won't come back. She has really painted you into a corner, you have no good options, except to be okay with this.
 
IanK said:
She left me for a guy in Norway, then 5 weeks later wanted to come back, when she came back she wanted to be with him. She wants both of us. I agreed to this as the only way to save our marriage. I am going to speak up. I have no escape plan. Iam affraid if I speak up she will leave again. Its like I go with it or shes gone.
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Can you see yourself living this reality year after year?

You have to find some middle ground, or an amicable divorce and co-parenting arrangement.
 
Poly never fixes a broken relationship. It just magnifies the issues.
 
IanK said:
How long does it take for this nre to wear off and she returrns to nornal again?
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Because they are long distance, the thrill of being in a new relationship can be very durable. It has been my experience that new relationship energy is something that comes with most sexual associations, and is only calmed down when enough "reality" time is spent with someone for the rose tinted glasses to come off. When a relationship is allowed to exist without this overload of reality to dull the excitement... that shit can really drag out.

As far as her getting back to "normal again", you may need to start adjusting your expectations on that particular mark. Normal is just an expression of the way things have been in recent history. However, when things change significantly or for a long enough period of time... that is the new normal. There is no guarantee that the relationship you have with this person will snap back to a previous save point.

With any luck your relationship will reach a new point of flourishing, but that isn't something that is destined to happen.

IanK said:
whay can I do to advocate for more of her time.
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Advocating for something just means speaking up and making your desires known, it doesn't mean that you get it. So in this instance, asking her on a date (whatever that looks like for the two of you) would be an example of advocating for some of her time. Keep in mind that she may not be into it, and may prefer to spend her free time chatting with her new friend.

I suggest using an approach that is inviting (as opposed to work, or extortion), and being a good receiver regardless of what response you get.

IanK said:
When she talks to him shes sweet and soft, giggling, smiling non stop, she never ever does that with me and its driving me crazy, is it normal and how do I deal with it?
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It's normal to be jealous, envious, and insecure... yes. It isn't something that I recommend leaning on as a healthy way to live your life, but it's certainly a normal hazard that we all encounter here and there.

I recommend stepping away from concepts like "she treats him one way, but treats me another, and it's not fair". She is treating him the way she is, because that is her association with him. She treats you the way she does, because that's her association with you. These two things aren't supposed to look alike, and they most likely won't.

Instead, focus on what it is about your association with her that you do like. Do you like things about your association with her? Do you guys have interests in common and things you enjoy talking about? Are there activities that you both enjoy doing together?
 
IanK said:
She left me for a guy in Norway, then 5 weeks later wanted to come back, when she came back she wanted to be with him. She wants both of us. I agreed to this as the only way to save our marriage. I am going to speak up. I have no escape plan. Iam affraid if I speak up she will leave again. Its like I go with it or shes gone.
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Oh yikes! I should always finish reading the thread before I respond.

It looks like you are starting a brand new life. You are either going to join her on her journey, or you are going to let her go on her journey and start a new one on your own.

Either way I expect you have quite a few hurdles to overcome in the near future. Sorry man, that's got to be tough and I truly wish you all of the best.
 
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