Is open for me ?

Ardeen

OK. Gala Girl just gave it to you eloquently. I’m going to give it to you with no sugar coating.
From what you just posted, your wife has been “working” on this guy for six months without you being totally in the loop. So that means this is not HOTWIFING in any sense of the word, and unless I stated it wrong she’s been cheating on you at least emotionally.
You DO NOT have to accept this just because you initiated the process. This is no way resembles what you have been talking about with her, and she has just basically told you that she is going to do whatever the fuck she wants to at this time on, your mental health be dammed.
You just joined the hotwifing site so I will save you some reading. The male partners in hot WiFi got do NOT get their privacy guaranteed as far as sharing details. They do not after a few sex sessions become EQUAL partners to the spouse, and they are told in no uncertain terms that YOU will either be present, have pictures or videos, and sexual exploits shared. This activity is designed to be to ENHANCE your sex life with your wife, NOT to find her a regular boyfriend that leaves you “on the outside looking in”.

The b it question now is what do YOU do to put a stop to this BEFORE it destroys your marriage if that is still possible, and I strongly advice you not to dilly dally.
Your wife in an adult. You cannot stop her from doing whatever she wants to but you can make sure she understands and believes that she will not do it all her way and still remain your wife. If she believes that you have a chance to get on “equal” footing here. If you sit there while she now starts to date this guy and tell you what is going on is not really your business you are TOAST.

When you have your talk, you need to tell her exactly what you will agree to and what you will not. And just in case this all goes south on you I would consult with a divorce attorney without telling her.

No one here knows how this will play out and you need to really find out what “working on this guy for six months means”.

And I think you already understand, a forum where what she is apparently doing , namely setting herself up too have a “boyfriend”, is encouraged and accepted is NOT the place for you to get the best advice UNLESS she manages to willingly renogotiate the boundaries and expectations of your relationship.

Of course it could still work out the way your fantasies developed, but right now it does not appear to be headed that way.

Ardeen, again. You DID NOT sign up for polyamory. Practically everyone responding to you has mentioned that. Now stand up for yourself and stop this in its tracks or let her go live with her boyfriend of six months if that is what she wants to do.
 
We talked earlier today she pretty much is set on having sex with him she said for 6 years she put my feelings first for once she going to put hers first Ima see how things go she said she will call me when she Leave
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Then that is your choice at this time. To wait and see.

If she's changing from some kind of emotional affair she was conducting behind your back for several months to doing it in front of your face?

You don't have to consent and you could tell her so. She's going to do what she's going to do whether you like it or not. So you may as well be clear on where YOU stand on it. That you do NOT like how she's behaving and you do NOT consent to Open the marriage like this.

I suggest you take this "wait and see" time to do your deep soul searching and decide what you want to do next about your relationship with her.

  • If you want to keep on with the relationship where she carries on this way and dings you.
  • Or if you want to bow out and let the relationship go so you aren't getting dinged by her again.

It doesn't sound like "work things out together" is on the table. She's not interested in working anything out with you. She's only interested in her stuff and not concerned with how her behavior affects or dings you. Pretty cavalier way to treat a partner.

I'm sorry. :(

This is not ethical polyamory. It's not ethical sounding hotwifing either, if that is what you were hoping to develop.

Galagirl
 
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Ardeen19 said:
i told her I want to shut it down because I cannot mentally take it she basically said that she build herself up for this for months she’s committed and she’s going to do it with I like it or not
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You made a request for her to change her behavior, and she denied that request. Sounds like that part is all taken care of.

Now it's a matter of what type of relationship do you want in your life, and make adjustments to encourage the good parts, and eliminate the bad parts. Note, I don't mean get HER to change, I mean you change your life to one that actually suits you. That might involve no longer living together, no longer being married, or adjust your expectations of what this relationship is supposed to look like.

Some folks want to make sure you are comfortable with assigning who the good guy is, and who the bad guy is. I contend that this determination does nothing but continue to suck the life out of you and send you down a path of a false sense of righteousness. Forget about good guy vs bad guy, and adjust to the reality in front of you. Make changes, set yourself up for success, stop playing these kid games.
 
sexyserb said:
Ardeen

OK. Gala Girl just gave it to you eloquently. I’m going to give it to you with no sugar coating.
From what you just posted, your wife has been “working” on this guy for six months without you being totally in the loop.




let her go live with her boyfriend of six months if that is what she wants to do.
Click to expand...





You are very wrong about my wife having a boyfriend maybe because i explained wrong but i would appreciate if you would read this lengthy reply then judge her how you want and give me better advice that would be awesome.


I’m going to clear things up first off i would like to say when i make a post i need to have a clear head and not be in the mist of have a anxiety attack because it seems like i present things wrong about my wife


She didn’t know him for 6 months it was maybe a week and a half 2 weeks . They met because he was passing out flyers about his YouTube show i am a rap artist she does wild life she said my husband raps and i do wild life maybe we can be guest on our show. She was fully transparent about that and this was before anything about sex came in to play. Last week he reached out to me via social media and said hey i met your wife she told me about you being a guest on show me and him talked


They did exchange numbers. And she showed me their text from start to finish. Is it possible she deleted things yes do i think she did no my wife is the most honest person i met in my life. I have been living in Georgia since August 12th i have asked her a couple times did she find anybody to have sex with since i been gone she said no but told me about the tv host guy and said she thinks he is interested in her because sometimes he strays off of buiness discussion. I went to his buiness page and he’s a attractive guy he is very dark skin as well am i and i know my wife prefers that . I told her if she would like to have sex with him she can this was ALL MY IDEA . Nothing she even asked for . Was i playing with fire yes. Since i was about 8 years old i have been insecure about the size of my penis it has always bothered me i hate and to make matters worst i can not get a erection when i try to put on condoms. So sex has been hell for me my early sex years i don’t feel like my penis is adequate sized i think i am small and i can’t get hard to condoms it’s been plenty of times i tried to have sex and the girl asked me what the hell am i doing but the reasons behind me wantin my wife to have sex with other men is because i love her so much and deep down inside i think she’s gonna cheat because the size of my penis . She does perfer big penis and told me this when we first start texting 6 years ago and like i said i sent her a picture of mine after she said that because i didn’t want to get in a situation where we was about to have sex and she was disappointed my feelings would be crushed but that didn’t happen 6 years later we married with 2 kids

But back to the stuff with guy since March I’ve been asking her to have sex with other men she said asked if we spice up marriage at first i said i want to see a female eat you out she said really she admitted she’s always been attracted to females . Then i asked about a guy i said hey i know you prefer big penis i think it would turn me on to see you take one she didn’t agree and it took time talking her into it I was being pushy and she finally agreed between March about 4 days ago we found 2 potential guys and they where suppose to meet up see she was gonna see if she had a connection with them then maybe sex could happen In due time after because she don’t like causal sex i got got extremely paranoid and controlling each time and she said I’m driving her crazy i tell her this is what i want she works herself up mentally and then i tell her never mind and act crazy about it


Now with the guy currently the same thing happen at first but i calmed myself down so Sunday she went over his house to chill and i messed up agreeing to that up because he asked her out for drinks and i said no ... i didn’t want anybody to see my wife out with anybody i am a music artist in dc and very well known . So she went over for about 5 hours . Our rules where no sex the first day .. here is where you can criticize my wife if u want .. she said they kissed .. he had his penis out she admits she resisted sex because of boundaries but she’s attracted to him but I’m more important she also said he pulled her pants down and licked her asshole .. i feel like she was wrong by doing that and i was pissed we said no sex u shouldn’t have put yourself in that situation but she is human i understand I’m not justifying her actions but i do understand but i feel like he was wrong



later that night we argued i told her i want to shut this down i don’t want to be open any More but for the simple fact over last 6 months this is what i been begging for and I’m putting you thru emotional hell i will let you have sex with him once and all contact what so ever has to stop she didn’t agree she said what about twice and she said she would like me to still be on show and her too one day so she think buiness shouldn’t stop i didn’t agree but long story short we compromised to one time and buiness continues but only during filming she said ok. She’s about to move her and kids to Georgia with me so I’m ok wit that


Ok so yestday morning after Not sleeping all night i called her and said i want to shut it down again don’t do it she said no she is i been begging for this for months she worked herself up to do it.. it’s going to happen .. i feel as if she was wrong our marriage should have came first but i asked myself how would i feel i asked her why can’t she end it what is so appealing about him i don’t understand she told me to be honest he is young he is a buiness man and he is stable she told me after spending time with him she questioned our married because for the last 6 years I’ve held her back and she thinks what would her life be like if she was with somebody stable. And productive which i have I’ll admit it I’ve been a terrible father husband and everything I’m very selfish i spend all my money and watch her pick up slack for house hold she is on her way to get her PhD I’ve been from job to job since we met so i understand what she meant but that’s another story


So basically she said her feeling this way has nothing to do with sex or even the guy personally but he did open her eyes and she questions married . She said she is still going to have sex because she is tired of going back and forth i told her no you keep saying this is for me then if i say Stop then stop she said this whole idea started because i wanted to see her have sex with somebody she never asked for this but for a fantasy to work both parties need to be on board because of one isn’t and do it sticklty for other resentment can set it so yes this started for me but she worked her self mentally up to do it and she wants to i hate that Answer but it’s the hard truth . I told her if you attracted to him for him being able to be stable and that’s what you need from me the most sex is gonna make your judgment about me and should we continue this married she said if having open sex makes her want to leave me then that’s another issue within it self and maybe it would need to end because sex isn’t her number one concern


So yes she had sex last night she called me after she told me she’s not attached to him and she don’t want to be open any more she said his sex wasn’t bad but it don’t compare to mine she said i need to stop beating myself up about my my penis size because yes he was bigger but his sex wasn’t on same level as me other females have told me b4 “ hey not to hurt ur feelings but you don’t have a big penis and he sex is amazing “ So i know my wife wasn’t just saying this stuff to try and make me feel better i felt like she genuinely meant it but it’s the situation when u have a pretty girl who thinks she ugly for her own reasons yes she’s beautiful yes people tell hers she’s beautiful but if she’s don’t feel beautiful then it don’t matter same situation with me and my penis .. b4 i go on I want to be clear sometimes my penis. Has got hard with a condom and I’ve had sex more times then not this isn’t the case I’ve had raw sex more than condom sex n my life but was tested first but back to my wife she said she don’t want to experience that again she said she values our sexually relationship a lot more and she really hope when she brings herself and kids to Atlanta i get my shit together and be the man she knows i be . I need Therapy for self love and other things i plan on getting it keeping a stable job i have a Cdl so work isn’t hard to find i just want to change my life around for my wife and kids

The end
 
Marcus said:
You made a request for her to change her behavior, and she denied that request. Sounds like that part is all taken care of.

Now it's a matter of what type of relationship do you want in your life, and make adjustments to encourage the good parts, and eliminate the bad parts. Note, I don't mean get HER to change, I mean you change your life to one that actually suits you. That might involve no longer living together, no longer being married, or adjust your expectations of what this relationship is supposed to look like.

Some folks want to make sure you are comfortable with assigning who the good guy is, and who the bad guy is. I contend that this determination does nothing but continue to suck the life out of you and send you down a path of a false sense of righteousness. Forget about good guy vs bad guy, and adjust to the reality in front of you. Make changes, set yourself up for success, stop playing these kid games.
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Thank your Marcus appreciate you taking the time out your day to help me
 
It sounds like you and your wife are starting to work things out after all, that is good to hear. She is not interested in any more extramarital sex, she just wants you to be more stable. Am I understanding that right?
 
So basically....

She wanted to have sex with him. Because she's not sure about being married to you any more. She thinks you have held her back for 6 years. She's attracted to him being a stable person and wonders what being with someone steady would be like. You have been a terrible father and selfish. You spend all your money and then she has to pick up the slack for the house. She's working on her PhD, and you go from job to job. You are also up and down with the paranoia and controlling stuff.

So she does share sex with him. Doesn't find it all that and decides she doesn't want to do Open marriage any more. She said the experience makes her value the (you + her) sexual relationship a lot more. She's willing to try again with the marriage. She really hopes when she brings herself and kids back you get your shit together and be the man she knows you can be.

Sex compatibility with you is not her number one concern, even though YOU seem to obsess on it with all the penis insecurity. It sounds like marriage compatibility might be her main concern. Is it?

So now you are seeking therapy for self love and other issues. You plan on getting a stable job and stepping it up on the parenting and being more financially responsible.

This is still not ethical polyamory to me.

But I guess if this extramarital sex was the needed wake up call for both of you? I hope you figure out how to work on the marriage and be what you each need to be to each other.

Galagirl
 
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