Going to need a little more information here.
You say that you have "different visions". Visions about what? Polyamory? Career? Education? Religion?
You also ponder if you're being "selfish"... Again. Selfish about what?
What I gather, and please, PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong. But it appears that she identifies with poly, but you identify as mono. I don't like to assume too much, but I've seen threads where that tends to be the case. And perhaps, you feel that by having a polyamorous, the heartache & pain could be avoided by not having to break up in the first place... I can tell you that that rarely, if ever works when the relationship gets to that stage. She was right... The time to make that decision is when the relationship is going strong. While I'm not poly, I always believed that big changes to the dynamic are to be done in a way that ENHANCES the relationship... Not to salvage it.
Different visions about religion. I said it seemed like our positions were too far apart to make marriage & raising a family work and she said she agreed.
I don't identify as poly or mono. I've always been mono. Learned about poly a year ago, seems interesting, I could try it out, obv I can't guarantee I'll like it but it makes sense from what I read about it.
Hi i27,
I tend to agree with you, polyamory is a possible solution to your problems in the relationship. But it depends on a few things. First, it depends on what your differences are. Second, it depends on what your ex is willing to do. If she doesn't want to get back together with you, then you can't get back together. If she doesn't want to practice polyamory with you, then you can't practice polyamory with her.
Did you both decide to break up, or was that mainly her decision?
She wants to get back together with me. She wants me to 'change my mind', though, is how she phrased it. (Not sure if she meant my position on the issues or just about breaking up itself, since she views it as I having broken up with her, even though the truth is not so clear cut.) I reiterated my position, told her I was hurting as well, and told her I wanted her to be happy.
And for sure, I recognize that no matter what advice I get here, if she is not willing to do polyamory with me then it won't happen.
I think you may be wanting a simple solution to a deeper relationship problem. But you do make me wonder how you personally define what it is to be in a poly relationship. In other words, do you see a poly relationship as one or two levels above a casual hook-up with social attachment?
That is kind of emotionally limiting its it? In the end, that would lead you down a path of relationships being held at the same value as face book friends. My comment was not intended to be harsh in any sense. Rather, I hope you will reconsider whether your desire to have a poly relationship, is because you really believe this woman is worth sharing or to hold them in your life in absence of a totally Mono relationship you desire.
It's a tough call. Perhaps determining whether you the individual truly want a poly relationship, with all the patience, emotions, sometimes emotional detachment, scheduled juggling, etc., needed to make it work. It takes discipline.
My understanding is that just as there is a spectrum of mono relationships, so too there can be a spectrum of poly relationships, as defined by the people in those relationships.
Marriage seems to me to be out of the question unless one of us changes.
I'll be honest, the relationship was great until we had this conversation about our future. Not no problems, but very small ones. Really an idyllic relationship. I mean clearly there was this iceberg below the surface, but even so.
I'd be interested in any of the components or the whole of the relationship, if possible.
I could do romance et al with knowledge we wouldn't be primaries. I could do remaining just friends.
Can I myself handle that? A good question, and I recognize that even if it's not too late it would have been better to launch it earlier. I've read about what it takes, the discipline and such, and of course I haven't experienced it yet.
She declared that if we broke up, we should have no contact, no attempt at friendship. Not unreasonable, of course, unless we don't have to actually break it off completely.
I don't have a specific desire to be with multiple people or to be with only a single person. For me, it is about this specific person.
I am sorry you struggle. Could you please be willing to clarify?
How do you imagine poly would "solve" it? And what is "it" exactly?
- The breaking up part?
- The healing from a break up part? (you seem to want to skip this part because it feels yucky.)
- The "not compatible for marriage" part?
- Or worries about not seeing each other? (Could "friendship" solve that? Friends can see each other. )
I don't think you are being selfish. I think you are
feeling sad. 
And it takes some time to process. A few weeks ago is not very long at all to grieve the loss.
I could be wrong. But to me you sound like you could be in the "bargaining"
stage of grief where you are trying to stave off the break up.
I also think she is right. This is not a good time or right reason to poly.
Galagirl
Thank you Galagirl. I think it would solve the 'not compatible for marriage' aspect of things.
(As mentioned previously, I'd be down for friendship, if that's whats on the table, but she said that would be too painful for us, at least right away, and possibly ever. Though I hope that even if we stay broken up, eventually we could be friends. I don't know. We just connected on so many levels. It wasn't just a romantic thing. My life is better because she is in it, and I think my life would be better with her in it going forward. I think the reverse holds true too.)
Obv I don't like the pain I'm feeling (and that I know she is feeling), but if I were sure it was the optimal path forward, whatever, I'll just take it and work through it what else is there to do.
But if there is a chance for us to be happy, should I ignore that? No. It wasn't like we talked about it rationally for days. We were emotional and discovered this issue and broke up.
I cried a bit reading that 7 stages of grief link. If getting back together in some fashion is not in the cards then I'm in for a lot I guess haha. My question and desire in this thread are genuine, it's come out of a lot of thought, and in part my post is to check that it is not just me trying to 'bargain' or be unrealistic.
