Is Poly Right for You?

OK, I'll talk

1. Do you want an open relationship?

Yes.

2. Is your relationship stable and happy?

At this point and for the last few months, yes. Talking to my wife about poly and telling her this is something I think I *am* was tough. But the result was a new openness in our relationship that's gotten better.


3. Are you an enthusiastic sex & relationship communicator?

I am now. Talking about sex is easy. I think I still need work on the relationship communication stuff simply because I sometimes have thoughts or questions that I forget to communicate.

I also need to be a little better at proding my partner to communicate. Weekly check-ins help a lot.

Still, much better than before.

4. How jealous are you?

Strangely, not at all. I've actually been trying to come up with fantasies and scenarios where I might actually be jealous of my wife with another man or woman. I'm doing this to prepare for when we finally do open our marriage sometime in the future.

By "strangely", I'm really referring to my relationship history. I've been very insecure about my abilities as boyfriend or lover. But I think I've finally dealt with those feelings.


5. How anxiously attached are you?

Well, considering my wife told me about a year ago she wanted a divorce and now our relationship is the best it has ever been, not so much.

Sure, me delving into poly might ultimately result in the end of our relationship. But I'm not afraid to face that anymore. I'm accepting myself for who I am and I'm sure she does too. But life doesn't usually give us exactly what we insist we need. I've learned to let go of my anxiety over this and learned to roll with it.

6. How cognitively flexible/tolerant of ambiguity are you?

Life is ambiguity. I deal pretty well. I expect I'll deal with ambiguity in relationships also by being tolerant, forgiving, loving and trying to forsee problems, so I can prevent them.

7. How well do you regulate your emotions?

It is mind boggling just how much I used to suck at this. Twenty years of marriage and consciously, tirelessly working on my own crap has made me pretty damn good at this. Until the next left hook to my jaw, then I'll probably have another fabulous learning experience. I have the tools to deal with them, though and that's the real power.

8. Do you have a supportive community?

Not yet. It's available to me where I live and I'm aware of it, but I haven't engaged yet because my wife isn't ready for that. Actually, I wasn't ready for it myself until recently. Eventually, I'll join that community with the full consent and (hopefully) participation of my wife. Until then, I read everything I can get my big mitts on about poly, in preparation for when I can stick my toe in the water.
 

Ostrich

Member
I know I am dredging up an old thread, but after reading through it, I saw someone had the idea of new members of the board provide answers to the questions, just to gauge where they are. It would be interesting to repeat this exercise in a few years to see if progress, or regress, has happened.

1. Do you want an open relationship?

Tentatively: Yes

2. Is your relationship stable and happy?

Stable: No. After 5 years, it's still in flux Happy: Yes

3. Are you an enthusiastic sex & relationship communicator?

Sex communicator: Yes Relationship communicator: The worst, but working on it

4. How jealous are you?

Not as jealous as I was a few months ago. However, I've learned that I have been confusing jealousy with envy. So jealousy: not so much Envy: yes definitely

5. How anxiously attached are you?

Oddly enough, no. I can be really detached from people/relationships, as I am very much an introvert

6. How cognitively flexible/tolerant of ambiguity are you?

Depends on the situation. Sometimes, I need to pin things down, to get a better understanding of where I am in a relationship. I accept that change is inevitable, but I need to work on how to react to where that change takes me, and quickly adjust. I need to work on the 'quickly adjust' part.

7. How well do you regulate your emotions?

Not well at all. I am working on how to deal with backseat driving, and then move on from there.

8. Do you have a supportive community?

I am satisfied with the support I get. While it's not a large number, there are four people outside of my marriage who know, and I feel free to talk with about all this.

So in conclusion, it appears maybe I am not ready for polyamory, even though I am (on the whole) open to explore it. I am also working on several things which I find myself deficient (see above).
 
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PolyguySJ

New member
My is poly right for you answers

I'll respond to this as suggested by Ostrich.

I know I am dredging up an old thread, but after reading through it, I saw someone had the idea of new members of the board provide answers to the questions, just to gauge where they are. It would be interesting to repeat this exercise in a few years to see if progress, or regress, has happened.

1. Do you want an open relationship?

Tentatively: Yes

2. Is your relationship stable and happy?

Overall it's stable but there are areas for improvement. It's also mainly happy.

3. Are you an enthusiastic sex & relationship communicator?

My wife hasn't been interested in sex for quite a while. She is very good about letting me know what she needs from me for a good relationship and I am open to her requests and work towards what she desires or work with her towards a compromise.

4. How jealous are you?

I'm not jealous of her and don't believe she is drawn to any relationships that would lead me to jealousy. I'm not sure how jealous I'd be with other women but I suspect that I'd be going into any external relationships knowing that there's a good possibility that there will be other relationships.

5. How anxiously attached are you?

I'm not sure I understand the question, but I don't think I am anxiously attached.

6. How cognitively flexible/tolerant of ambiguity are you?

I think I'm generally very flexible and tolerant of ambiguity. If there is an area that I'm not comfortable with my goal would be to work towards a situation with less ambiguity.

7. How well do you regulate your emotions?

I tend to be rather reserved, so my emotions are generally under control. I do like to express myself, so I don't think I'm unemotional, I just focus on sharing positive emotions.

8. Do you have a supportive community?

I don't really have a supportive community right now. I don't feel that's something I'm lacking although I would like to expand my network to include more people who might be part of such a community.

I think at the present I'm satisfied with just exploring possibilities without working on opening my relationship yet. I'd make that clear to anyone I might start to get to know.
 
1. Do you want an open relationship?

Yes. I want to be able to follow connections I make.

2. Is your relationship stable and happy?


I am not currently in one, and the last one I was in was neither which is why it ended.

3. Are you an enthusiastic sex & relationship communicator?

I try to be, my instinct is to be, and it is a major part of what I believe in. However, it has been hard to practice as many people in my life have been far too closed.

4. How jealous are you?

A bit. It's one thing that stopped me from non-monogamy before. But as I became a victim of jealousy from another person, I vowed to not act like that towards anyone else. In truth, I don't get jealous when sharing or taking fair turns, only when one has and I cannot have. And this difference is one reason I think some form of nonmonogomy is ideal for me. And even that not-so-healthy jealousy feeling I am learning to work through constructively is a direct result of...

5. How anxiously attached are you?

Yeah, as an outsider in many respects all my life, while I have learned to like and cherish who I am, I am very used to NOBODY else feeling the same. Or at least people misunderstanding and not really being on the wavelength I need. So I do have a lot of anxiety and I do need a lot of reassurance. And as I know from being on both sides that this can have unhealthy consequences if not dealt with, it is another thing I am working on improving. Although it will likely always be there in some capacity, I do think that the more positive and healthy interactions and connections I have, the easier it will be to talk down the lizard brain anxious reactions.

6. How cognitively flexible/tolerant of ambiguity are you?

Not knowing where I stand or where my boundaries are or whether there is a problem that needs fixing is terribly stressful to me, so in that respect I am a bit more rigid. However, I am always open to new ideas, new discoveries, and new perspectives as long as they make sense, and as an artist I know the value of flexibility and ambiguity.

7. How well do you regulate your emotions?

As someone on the Autism Spectrum, it does not come easily, and the effectiveness of the tools I have depend on many outside factors. But although hardly perfect, I improve every year and it takes more and more negativity to break me. Though the lasy few years have been doozies.

8. Do you have a supportive community?

Every time I think I do I get proven wrong, so it gets harder for me to invest in the next. I hope I find it and/or recognize it soon.
 
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