Is polyamorism in men correlated with sex drive?

I prefer daily sex. When I was with just my husband, we would have daily sex, or lets say six times a week. To me, poly has nothing to do with mismatch in libidos. My boyfriend is also into having daily sex. So usually the person I share a bed with (every other night if we are three in the same place) I also have sex with that night if they want to. It means I will usually get a very eager man each night since he had to wait to get into my bed :)

Of course all of our libidos spike when we are not working or doing physically exhausting things. If I visit my boyfriend when he isn't working, we might have sex several times a day - which I call the holiday mood. Same on holiday or relaxed weekends with my husband. If something is draining, it affects our libidos too, like if one of my guys work a double shift they get too exhausted for sex. And when me and my husband moved, it was so physically draining that I lost almost all of my libido for several months (mental note to move differently next time).

Sometimes I have sex with both of them during one day but I prefer not to as it gets physically exhausting and I like to let the energy from one come down before I go to bed with the other. But occationally that is nice too.
 
nycindie said:
It's been my observation over my last five years of coming here and occasionally going to poly meetups in my city, that many polyamorist couples originally sought poly and other forms of non-monogamy as a way to handle mismatched libidos. And what we have mostly seen here in this forum is an abundance of women in male/female relationships who have higher sex drives than their male partners.
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Yes, thank you nycindie and opalescent -- interesting to learn that the polyamory movement has a strong feminist component.

So based on your observations there is indeed a correlation between high libido and polyamorism in women.

Evie, you being the one potential counterexample to that (so far in this thread), can you clarify your statement on your sex drive? Most of us have to endure droughts. But in your ideal world what would be the frequency of sex?
 
For me and my husband, our decision to be poly has certainly been influenced by our libido mis-match. I have a higher libido - I'd love to have daily sex, although since my work schedule is insane, several times a week is fine. My husband is damn near asexual. He'd be fine with once a month. We compromise by trying for twice a week, but I'd be really happy to find an additional partner that would take some of my libido so my husband and I can have more non-sexy time together.

On the flipside of that, my husband is looking for another partner primarily for companionship. Again, my work schedule is insane, and we mostly don't overlap, so he has frequent days where he's home alone all day with nothing to do. Granted he certainly could go do things with people that aren't close partners, but he tends to have very few, very close friends, and a poly partner would make a lot of sense for him - to form a more family-like relationship and less casual friendship.

YMMV. But I've definitely seen with my non-poly friends as well that the stereotype of the horny male and the sex-withholding female is BS. Most of the monogamous couples that I know well enough to say have a woman with a higher libido than the man.
 
Lysander said:
Evie, you being the one potential counterexample to that (so far in this thread), can you clarify your statement on your sex drive? Most of us have to endure droughts. But in your ideal world what would be the frequency of sex?
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Good question. I would have to say it varies depending on the newness of the partner. When there is NRE involved, I'm up for a couple of times a day for about a week if we have that luxury. Then this might ease back into a few times a week for the next few months. But as the relationship evolves out of the bedroom, eventually I'd rather have maybe a couple of times a month, one time being the making love dynamic, the other being the throw me around the room and fuck me dynamic. The rest of the time, if I feel so compelled - which varies depending on the time of the month - I generally prefer to masturbate, alone. I suspect, that without NRE, I'm inherently lazy in bed. And I hate having to perform, biggest turnoff ever. So I'd rather just not have sex.
 
Even if there is a correlation (and you can find a correlation in pretty much any two variables given a large enough sample), I suspect it's a weak one. Poly is about love, not sex (although for most people sex and love are closely linked together). One doesn't have to be poly if they just want to have lots of sex outside of a relationship; they can choose swinging, sexually open but emotionally closed relationships, cheating, etc. But none of these would be emotionally fulfilling for a poly person.

As for me, I'm asexual and my ideal is no sex at all.
 
nycindie said:
And what we have mostly seen here in this forum is an abundance of women in male/female relationships who have higher sex drives than their male partners.
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I don't suppose you'd care to point some of them out to me. :D

But, seriously, where are all these poly women looking for extramarital sex? I had a couple of short-term flings before I found out about poly, but they ended because their fantasies went from, "I wish I could do this with my husband," to, "I wish this guy I'm doing this with could be my husband," and I was never comfortable with the dishonesty, secrecy or the prospect of being shot by a jealous husband. I thought it would be easier, safer and more ethical to find partners in the poly community who were in similar situations and and were on the same page regarding relationship goals. That was three years ago, and I have yet to meet anyone from the poly community who has shown even the faintest glimmer of interest.
 
Evie said:
I'm inherently lazy in bed. And I hate having to perform, biggest turnoff ever. So I'd rather just not have sex.
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I'm not sure what you mean by perform. Do you do impressions of famous women having orgasms?
 
tempeste said:
I'd be really happy to find an additional partner that would take some of my libido so my husband and I can have more non-sexy time together.
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I'll take all you've got. :cool:
 
Isidore, I am sorry that you have had bad luck in your search for poly people to date and call partners. I don't know what the reason is for that bad luck. My experience is that love is always hard to come by. I have one partner, and consider myself incredibly lucky to have her.
 
IsidoreNabi said:
I thought it would be easier, safer and more ethical to find partners in the poly community who were in similar situations and and were on the same page regarding relationship goals. That was three years ago, and I have yet to meet anyone from the poly community who has shown even the faintest glimmer of interest.
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I used to think so too. But while I have made great friendships in the poly community, there was not much uppertunities for love there for me. I don't think it is enough to be just poly, you have to have a similar or overlapping look on relationships and life. And of course there has to be chemestry. I never met a poly person where I felt those things.
 
IsidoreNabi said:
But, seriously, where are all these poly women looking for extramarital sex?
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Norwegianpoly said:
I used to think so too. But while I have made great friendships in the poly community, there was not much uppertunities for love there for me. I don't think it is enough to be just poly, you have to have a similar or overlapping look on relationships and life. And of course there has to be chemestry. I never met a poly person where I felt those things.
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Sure, but how would anyone know about these things if they don't even talk to me?

Before someone says, "no wonder nobody talks to him--he's soooo negative!" I just want to point out that I started out very hopeful--almost, dare I say, optimistic? But I'm just feeling beaten down at this point.
 
IsidoreNabi said:
Evie said:
I'm inherently lazy in bed. And I hate having to perform, biggest turnoff ever. So I'd rather just not have sex.
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I'm not sure what you mean by perform. Do you do impressions of famous women having orgasms?
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Hilarious, illuminating turn in this thread! Ditto that: Perform? Unless it's a special occasion my experience has been that (after the honeymoon stage) sex is "performed" by the man, and I am just grateful when my wife agrees to be the "subject" of the performance. A great day is when she volunteers to be subjected to it. One of my primary goals is to avoid irritating her in the process.

In what world does a woman face a choice between "perform" or "no sex for you!"?

I guess it's better I not know any particulars to the contrary.... Suffice it to say that there must be some incredibly happy, satisfied men out there!
 
Well if you do not want to know then be sure not to read most any of the blogs written by women here. They are mostly quite sex positive. Though their men do not always seem to be happy with it.

Leetah:D
 
Lysander said:
Hilarious, illuminating turn in this thread! Ditto that: Perform? Unless it's a special occasion my experience has been that (after the honeymoon stage) sex is "performed" by the man, and I am just grateful when my wife agrees to be the "subject" of the performance. A great day is when she volunteers to be subjected to it. One of my primary goals is to avoid irritating her in the process.
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:-/

In what world does a woman face a choice between "perform" or "no sex for you!"?
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Perform isn't just a euphemism for getting an erection, and as much as I lolled, it's not impressions either.

I guess it's better I not know any particulars to the contrary.... Suffice it to say that there must be some incredibly happy, satisfied men out there!
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Look away now... ;)

To me, performance is to do things that I'd simply rather not do because they do not give me any pleasure (I'm looking at you, reverse cowgirl). Or they might be things that would ordinarily give me pleasure, but not when I'm being watched or directed for the benefit of the other person's gaze (quite specifically, masturbation). Or repeating whatever it was I was doing when I was really high on sexual energy that right now I'm not feeling. That'll be a performance too.

And don't even get me started on making those noises to hurry you up because I'm getting a cramp in my hip.

get the idea? :p
 
Performing sexually means anything one does in order to impress the other person, rather than connecting with them and organically going with the flow of whatever brings pleasure to oneself and one's partner. And believe me, women are asked or expected to perform quite often.

Lysander, it seems you have some odd yet somewhat stereotypical (like from the 1950s) views of women and women's sexual appetites. I must say that if there were ever times I was not enthusiastic for sex, it was mostly due to being with a boring lover. If a guy can't be spontaneous, creative, and fun inon bed, it feels like a dull routine. If a guy just does everything the same way every time, or always expects the same thing every time, and resists changing it up, it's such a snore and I just want it to be over. Blecch.
 
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Ah ha -- thank you, ladies, for the illumination!

Frankly, for purposes of sex I might as well be living in the 1950s, if not Victorian England. My wife is not only demi-sexual, but also very loathe to communicate about anything. It's just not a conversation she's interested or willing to have. She takes the "close your eyes and think of England" approach to sex, almost literally. Like if I weren't attentive to things as basic as lube status she wouldn't say anything at the time, and then later wonder why she feels raw.

Women are expected to perform? And there are men who aren't ready to go any time their woman hints at it? It boggles my mind how mismatched people are: When it comes to sex I would learn and do whatever makes my woman happy as often as possible. If she did more than lie on her back and spread her legs I would be thrilled, but even that makes it a good ... week :rolleyes:
 
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