Is polyamory a "lifestyle"?

[MeeraReed]

Now I'm wondering if "lifestyle" as a general term is more commonly used in British English or among European English speakers? I don't hear Americans say it much in casual conversation.

Maybe the confusion here is that it doesn't sound like an unusual phrase in the UK? For me, it stands out as a term people don't usually say unless it's disapprovingly.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

The wife won't be able to articulate what she actually wants if she imagines poly is a uniform lifestyle and has a therapist also making that assumption. It's vague and unclear and hides unexamined expectations about what poly is/is not

The wife likely wants whatever configuration of poly she's heard about. She can articulate that without knowing whether it's the only type or not. I don't think unexplained expectations are relevant to this couple. She just wants to open their relationship.

Why do you feel different poly lifestyle variants is a more useful way to think about poly than different relationship style variants?

I don't think it's more useful. I think it's another way of saying the same thing. I don't think it is incorrect or my place to say that the person should be saying this and not that. Both are equally clear to me.

The therapist and others in this context are choosing the term "lifestyle" to describe polyamory because they associate the term with non-monogamy specifically. It's not an innocuous term in that context--it's weighted with meaning. They are not using it in a general sense as with a sporty lifestyle or healthy lifestyle.

I don't think you can know that just because they use the word lifestyle. I think they're using it in the same way I'd use it if someone asked me about the intricacies of living in an ultra-Hasidic Jewish community: "I'm not all that familiar with that lifestyle." I'm not making a judgement on it, I'm saying I'm the wrong person to ask, as my knowledge and experiences are limited.

But I have never heard anyone use that phrasing. They just say, "I'm interested in KTP" pr "I'm practicing KTP."

I have. I've also heard solo poly lifestyle. Communal poly lifestyle. All when people are talking about how their relationship style more widely dictates their lifestyle. Yes, people also phrase it in the way that you said, too. Neither are wrong.

Getting the first impression that polyamory would be even weirder than I already was-- that even a trained therapist was unable to to help me-- it was super isolating and terrifying at a time when I needed community and support.

I don't think fear is a bad thing. I think hearing early on that you will likely have to adapt most of your life to ethically accommodate new partners might be positive overall.

Could we normalize our differences?

I agree. I think instead of trying to force people into seeing the world our way, maybe try to understand why they see their world their way.

Nothing here has proven that using the word lifestyle to talk about how polyamory sits in your world isn't accurate. It might be inaccurate to say everyone who is poly leads a poly lifestyle, because it might not be as central to some people's world as it is others. But it isn't incorrect, and the cultural assumptions about the terminology are just that, cultural. As long as the person understands that there is more than one way to do polyamory, I can see no good reason to interrupt or derail a thread arguing with a newbie about whether or not they have or want a poly lifestyle.

But it would be better to talk about the specifics of what would be different about their lives if they practice poly.

And we do. You're actually not doing that when you're wasting time arguing about whether lifestyle is the correct term or not. It's a pointless endeavour and doesn't actually achieve the goal of communicating that polyamory has different variants and matching variants is a key part of successful partnership. Instead, people keep focusing on poly not being swinging, when actually, for a lot of people, polyamory is very much connected to their swinging.

All I see it do is potentially put new people off of posting because older members have harped on about what language they used, instead of the problem or question they came to pose.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Now I'm wondering if "lifestyle" as a general term is more commonly used in British English or among European English speakers? I don't hear Americans say it much in casual conversation.

Maybe the confusion here is that it doesn't sound like an unusual phrase in the UK? For me, it stands out as a term people don't usually say unless it's disapprovingly.

Maybe. I've been here a good while and I've always had lots of European friends. I am American though. Raised on the East Coast. My father went to University in England and I think that did influence his language. He sort of sounded like Fraiser. I see lifestyle as a totally generic term without connotations.

 

[Magdlyn]

I don't think that those of us that find the word lifestyle unhelpful and off-putting are "arguing with newbies" or scolding them about using the word. After all, our Guidelines require us to:

...be considerate. Don't expect a new poster to know the ins and outs of poly jargon or to be well versed in poly theory; be gentle with them. Making judgments about other users, especially about the validity of their poly, is strongly discouraged.

Just as I would patiently explain other poly terminology, such as NRE, or metamour, or KTP, etc., I would explain why they might get flack for using a rather insulting mono-normative term such as "throuple." (To be honest, "throuple" grinds my gears more than "lifestyle," haha but maybe that's another thread idea.) And I might gently suggest why I personally prefer the term "love style" over "lifestyle"-- because it is more descriptive and has fewer connotations with swinging, which polyamory is not. That's it. It's rather simple, really. It's just kind of sharing a poly glossary definition, as I see it.

There's no arguing back about the term from newbies, but I now see longer-term members such as Albert (on his blog) have differing views on the word... I've been here over 10 years, and I've never gotten an argument from new posters when I gently replaced lifestyle with love style or relationship model in my response to them.

However, if experienced polyamorists and valued long-term members have other views and are annoyed by those of us who disagree, I thought it would be good to air our grievances here, rather screaming into the void on a blog or something.

 

[Magdlyn]

Could we normalize our differences? Please? Denormalize normal? Just a thought.

I am not sure what you mean by this thought. Would you be willing to explain?

 

[EldritchDucky]

I am not sure what you mean by this thought. Would you be willing to explain?

“Lifestyle” implies out of the normal.

“THE Lifestyle” implies there’s an ironically all-consuming not-normal staking claim to be more normal than other not-normals.

Why not just dispense with the idea of normal, already? It’s a statistical distribution. Its proper name is the Gaussian Distribution. No one describes their relationship as Gaussian, and if they’re aspiring to be as like everyone else as possible, maybe they should.

 

[Magdlyn]

“Lifestyle” implies out of the normal.

“THE Lifestyle” implies there’s an ironically all consuming not-normal staking claim to be more normal than other not-normals.

Why not just dispense with the idea of normal, already? It’s a statistical distribution. Its proper name is the Gaussian Distribution. No one describes their relationship as Gaussian, and if they’re aspiring to be as like everyone else as possible, maybe they should.

Thanks.

While I am not familiar with this Gaussian Distribution, I think your point is that using the word lifestyle to describe ENM shapes of relationships makes them appear to be outside the norm, which could be seen as a bad thing. Whether because you're queer, non-monogamous, kinky, or even divorced, single at too old an age, or widowed, the only norm is married, hetero and monogamous. Everything else is somehow an "alternative," and therefore, at least mildly, if not very suspicious.

Straight mono marriage is the goal, the default. It's not a "lifestyle" because it's the golden standard. Calling anything else (which is also actually perfectly normal as well) a "lifestyle" makes it seem a bit lesser or lacking, and at least a bit suspect.

However, in our Western culture, the amount of people who are totally Kinsey-scale straight, completely gender conforming, completely sexually vanilla, and want and have achieved a happy monogamous hetero long-lasting marriage are probably pretty few, if we are honest about it. So making a big deal about "alternative" lifestyles shows more prejudice than a basis in reality.

I am not sure that's what you're getting at by saying "normalize our differences, denormalize normal," but it's my best shot.

When my 30-year hetero/mono marriage was flailing, I went to one therapist, to whom I confessed that one reason I was struggling in my marriage was my tendency to "get crushes on other people." She outright told me, "Married people shouldn't get crushes on other people." I fired her, of course. She actually told me I shouldn't have the feelings I had. I've rarely been so insulted in my life. And by an extremely well-paid professional, no less!

 

[EldritchDucky]

Married people shouldn't get crushes on other people." I fired her, of course. She actually told me I shouldn't have the feelings I had. I've rarely been so insulted in my life. And by an extremely well-paid professional, no less!

A professional who should know the damage rigidity does…

Were they a pastor in a past career? Makes me think about all those people who talk to their religious leaders like they’re therapists, and they get them the same absurd rigidity.

That’s why I’m changing careers into clinical psych.

 

[Magdlyn]

A professional who should know the damage rigidity does…

Were they a pastor in a past career?

I have no idea. I don't recall how much I delved into her past "education" at the time. She was wearing very pointy stiletto-heel pumps, I recall, not very pastory. lol

Makes me think about all those people who talk to their religious leaders like they’re therapists, and they get them the same absurd rigidity.

That’s why I’m changing careers into clinical psych.

Are you a pastor now, yourself?? :0

 

[ref2018]

Thanks.

While I am not familiar with this Gaussian Distribution,

Yes you are. You probably know it as a "bell curve".

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes you are. You probably know it as a "bell curve".

I did google it and saw a bell curve, but the text explaining the details went kinda over my head.

 

[EldritchDucky]

I have no idea. I don't recall how much I delved into her past "education" at the time. She was wearing very pointy stiletto-heel pumps, I recall, not very pastory. lol

Are you a pastor now, yourself?? :0

I dunno, my lovely gay therapist went to seminary, and look what that did to him!

And aww hell no I’ve got utter contempt for religion.

 

[Bobbi]

Could we normalize our differences? Please?

I see this as society broadening "normal." It used to be gay marriage wasn't normal, now it is (for a majority of people, we still have a lot of work to do). And where I live, being trans is normal too. I think normal comes into play when society doesn't care how you live your life. I'd like to see a time when what consenting adults do in their lives isn't stigmatized unless it hurts others, and that's considered normal.

It doesn't mean we have to do those things. Religion in this country is normal, but I don't have to believe or agree with it. Why can't poly or kink be given the same latitude?

 

[EvolvingYourMan]

As much as I'd like to throw polyamory into a sexual orientation or lifestyle type, it really isn't. I'd suggest that it is a relationship orientation or more accurately a relationship philosophy. That's my thought anyway.