Is Polyamory my sexual orientation? I'm confused. Please help ♡

[Mythgirl99]

Who's game for helping a very confused woman out? I'm literally begging you for some advice ♡.

My name is Ellie and I'm 21 years old. I recently happened across an article called 'Is Polyamory a Form of Sexual Orientation?' and I've honestly re-read it one hundred times since, because ever since then I've had this strange light bulb moment and I can't seem to get it out of my head. Apparently, some individuals do identify polyamory as their sexual orientation, and others define it as a lifestyle choice. Does anyone on here identify polyamory as their sexual orientation? I hope it isn't too personal to ask but something seemed to click when I read it that fateful article. I've never felt comfortable in a two person relationship before. Something never felt quite right and I've never found myself wanting to be apart of one. They just don't interest me. But after my light bulb moment, somehow I felt like I've been doing it all wrong. After that, a polyamorous relationship just feels so RIGHT. Finally, right. I'm finally interested in one day having a relationship when, before, I had no interest in being apart of a duo relationship. I think I want to be in a relationship with two other people. That just feels right. And finally saying it - well, writing it - feels like a relief!
So, whomever's out there willing to give me a hand, is polyamory my sexual orientation? I just don't know who to talk to or ask in my life without them thinking I'm weird. So, whoever's reading this - my agony aunt, of sorts - please take some time out of your day to give me a little advice. Suddenly, everything seems crystal clear but I'm still so confused as I can't find any conclusive information on the Internet. I'm thinking about this all the time. I can't get it out of my head because truly and openly identifying Polygamory as my sexual orientation feels so unbelievably RIGHT.
I really hope I haven't babbled or anything, and everyone who's reading this understands what I'm trying to say.
Please be nice. I'm new to this and just need to hear from someone, anyone, going through the same confusion as I am.

All my love,

Ellie ♡ Xxx

 

[Evie]

I have tried monogamy a few times in my past because it was expected, but I don't like it, it doesn't fit. I'd more aptly say that I'm non monogamous by orientation, but I now also practice polyamory (and open relationships in general) since I'm currently in two loving relationships, with people who barely know each other except by what I tell them about each other. Both of my partners either have or have had other relationships completely separate to ours, too.

Some people have relationships where partners hang out together. Some people have relationships where their partners also have they own relationship between themselves. How your relationship configuration evolves isn't really an orientation. But I think a preference for nonmonogamy could be considered so.

I can't help but imagine that the article you read only covered a couple of ways of practicing polyamory. One article can't do justice to every possibility. It sounds like you may have got the impression of polyamory as a relationship between three people, all of whom love each other. Doable, but rarer than many other relationship configurations. I hope you enjoy exploring consensual non monogamy and polyamory as whatever you want to consider them. Mainly, for me, it's about not limiting the ways I can get to know and be with with a person just because I have a relationship with another person.

 

[Dagferi]

For me polyamory is a relationship style not a sexual orientation.

Sexual orientation to me is a person's identity in relation to the gender or genders they are attracted to sexually.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Ellie,

I think of polyamory as a percentage, like an orientation but in varying amounts, like say 25% polyamorous and 75% monogamous, or 60% polyamorous and 40% monogamous. Going by your posts so far, I think you may actually be 100% polyamorous. Like you would never want to be in a monogamous relationship, you would always want to be in a polyamorous relationship (and you would want it to be three people). So it is your orientation, your relationship orientation, and it is a certain percentage that fits you. After you actually start practicing polyamory, it becomes a relationship choice, of something you are actually doing.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[JungleTodd]

Sorry I’m replying to an older post, but I’m new!
Ellie, I identify so much with your description of your poly feelings. I am the same. Once I figured out that my life, that my heart is content with two romantic loves, it felt like the door was opened, this is who I really am and always have been. And exactly two loves is the number that fits with me, not three. Being in monogamist relationships so far has been very happy, but this now just feels so right, so emotionally content, having two beautiful people I love and who love me. i think one of the “aha” moments was the feeling that my love for my primary didn’t decrease an ounce when the second love emerged. Like I have two water glasses at the table, and finally got the second one filled.
I definitely feel that, at least for me, this is an orientation, not a choice. Ignoring my poly would feel like blocking part of me off to the world. Like I’d be hiding the real me if I did.

 

[Thisandthat]

Polyamory is one of those things that can be an orientation, a lifestyle choice, or both, in varying degrees and for differing reasons depending on an individual and their circumstances. Rather than being confused or discouraged by this - try to embrace it. You are okay! You are free to seek and discover the truth of what polyamory is for you!

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm sorry the OP didn't respond after basically begging for help. Odd.

After reading the book Sex at Dawn, I would not say polyamory is either a sexual orientation or a choice. I truly believe (from the evidence in that book, and my own experiences in the world) that all humans have the potential to be promiscuous. Whether we feel strongly personally driven to seek multiple relationships varies, based on personality and opportunity.

And then, it depends on you, whether you want your multiple relationships to all be loving ones, or just FWBs, or romantic without sex (if you're asexual), whether you want a hierarchy of partners or not, whether you want to breed with any one of your partners, whether you want to live with one partner or 2 or 3, etc., etc.

So, I believe the ability to love and desire more than one person at a time is innate; whether we do it and how we do it are choices.