Is there a private polyamory discussion group that people on here would recommend?

Liminalspace

New member
I'm on a fair number of the major polyamory Facebook groups, I can't say I'd recommend any of them. (I'm only there because occasionally I can be a useful voice for people that need one, but I don't think any of them are as good as here.)
Thanks @icesong - I think I'll follow my instinct and avoid them.
 

Liminalspace

New member
I used Facebook groups a couple of times to bounce thought bubbles - there were, of course, gold nuggets in the replies but also in true Facebook nature people jumping straight to hard opinions and judgement...

I think here people have a little more empathy that 1 size doesn't fit all.

Strangely it was actually my local Facebook group that was the one I found really unwelcoming, hard and cliquey.
That's unfortunate, but it's good to know that you've found a more welcoming space here.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
I'm on a fair number of the major polyamory Facebook groups, I can't say I'd recommend any of them. (I'm only there because occasionally I can be a useful voice for people that need one, but I don't think any of them are as good as here.)
I agree that this is the most thoughtful, welcoming, realistic platform I've found.

I'm only in local groups on Facebook specifically with the goal of meeting people irl (or at least knowing it's a possibility if the mood strikes).
 

MeeraReed

Active member
I know at least two people who are polyamorous but wouldn't feel comfortable asking them my questions directly and wouldn't really want them to have such personal insights into my private life and feelings. Equally with my own long-term partner, as we're just starting to consider polyamory and I'm trying to work through my own issues privately.

Do you feel like you are unusually private and not able to be open about your feelings, even with people you know?
 

Liminalspace

New member
Do you feel like you are unusually private and not able to be open about your feelings, even with people you know?
Yes, definitely, when it comes to this topic.

The people I mentioned aren't friends - just acquaintances - and both men a good few years older than me (I'm female, by the way). I wouldn't feel comfortable approaching either of them for advice.

I'm also keen to avoid my personal life becoming the topic of local gossip, especially as I'm well known due to various things I'm involved with.

I have confided in one friend, who I had always considered open-minded but she was very negative about the whole concept of polyamory. Otherwise I haven't felt comfortable to discuss the topic with friends.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Sounds like you could really use a private space. One that is not subject to google searches. A members-only board would be just such a space for you, and I'm sorry this forum doesn't provide that. You'll probably be limited to private messaging here. If it makes any difference, I would be willing to engage with you in private conversation (where you could add other members of your own choosing).
 

Liminalspace

New member
Sounds like you could really use a private space. One that is not subject to google searches. A members-only board would be just such a space for you, and I'm sorry this forum doesn't provide that. You'll probably be limited to private messaging here. If it makes any difference, I would be willing to engage with you in private conversation (where you could add other members of your own choosing).
Thank you @kdt26417! Yes, that would have been ideal, but never mind. I've already had a helpful chat with one member who kindly messaged me (thanks @Evie!) but another perspective might be good.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
If you message me, I believe that will give you the ability to add additional members to the conversation. You could gradually compile a send list that includes many/most/all of the members who are active. Of course if you prefer a one-on-one conversation with me, I am good with that too.
 

Liminalspace

New member
If you message me, I believe that will give you the ability to add additional members to the conversation. You could gradually compile a send list that includes many/most/all of the members who are active. Of course if you prefer a one-on-one conversation with me, I am good with that too.
Thanks a lot.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
Yes, definitely, when it comes to this topic.

The people I mentioned aren't friends - just acquaintances - and both men a good few years older than me (I'm female, by the way). I wouldn't feel comfortable approaching either of them for advice.

I'm also keen to avoid my personal life becoming the topic of local gossip, especially as I'm well known due to various things I'm involved with.

I have confided in one friend, who I had always considered open-minded but she was very negative about the whole concept of polyamory. Otherwise I haven't felt comfortable to discuss the topic with friends.

I similarly struggled to be open about polyamory when I first started, and to find people I felt comfortable talking about it with. My "open-minded" friends, who I trusted completely, were bizarrely negative about it and sent me into kind of a shame spiral, and also provided zero useful advice. (This was about 12 years ago).

What saved me was actually this forum. It was so refreshing to hear all these perspectives on different styles of poly and different people doing it successfully. I just read and read here until I felt comfortable posting.
 

Liminalspace

New member
I similarly struggled to be open about polyamory when I first started, and to find people I felt comfortable talking about it with. My "open-minded" friends, who I trusted completely, were bizarrely negative about it and sent me into kind of a shame spiral, and also provided zero useful advice. (This was about 12 years ago).

What saved me was actually this forum. It was so refreshing to hear all these perspectives on different styles of poly and different people doing it successfully. I just read and read here until I felt comfortable posting.
I'm glad you can relate! But sorry to hear that you found open-minded friends negative too. It seems like this forum is a safe space for people to let their feelings and worries out and get honest feedback, which is great. I suppose you just have to find a way to use it within your comfort zone in terms of what potentially identifying information you reveal.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
I agree that this is the most thoughtful, welcoming, realistic platform I've found.

By a huge margin. This is the usually only place on the internet that I express my opinion. The rest of the space out there is just noise from one radical group or another.

I might not be clear on what a "private" group would look like, and how it would make posting more anonymous. Is this just saying that there would be a hoop to jump through to try and confirm that it's an actual person? Like generic questions about "why do you want to join this group"? Since user names are usually anonymous anyway, we'd never actually know who is in there, right? I'm probably being dense but I'm having difficulty figuring out how a private group would make it any more anonymous.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
As far as I can tell, the biggest difference with a private group would be that stuff posted within that group would never show up on a google search. Of course if someone I know got interested in poly, and ended up finding this forum in general as a result, they would soon find me within the forum. [shrug] There's always some risk.
 

Liminalspace

New member
By a huge margin. This is the usually only place on the internet that I express my opinion. The rest of the space out there is just noise from one radical group or another.

I might not be clear on what a "private" group would look like, and how it would make posting more anonymous. Is this just saying that there would be a hoop to jump through to try and confirm that it's an actual person? Like generic questions about "why do you want to join this group"? Since user names are usually anonymous anyway, we'd never actually know who is in there, right? I'm probably being dense but I'm having difficulty figuring out how a private group would make it any more anonymous.
Hi @Marcus. Like @kdt26417 says, the content on a private forum wouldn't be Googlable, so no one could stumble across it in a search.

Even when you're not writing under your real name, it's easy to reveal information that could identify you with a bit of detective work. And some of us have distinctive ways of writing that would help someone we know identify us. It just feels a bit of an alarmingly open place to discuss very personal dilemmas.

I'm really grateful to @Evie and @kdt26417 for taking time to help me out in private messages and making me feel welcome.
 
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