Is there a private polyamory discussion group that people on here would recommend?

Liminalspace

New member
Hi all

This is all completely new to me and I've got questions I'd like to ask, but I would feel more comfortable doing it on a forum where my questions and the answers won't be open to the general public.

Is there a section on here that's only available for members to see? If not, is there another forum out there that any of you have used and can recommend where the discussions are only visible to members?

I realise that most people have discreet usernames that disguise their identities, but still, the thought of discussing such private issues on a forum that's fully searchable on Google for anyone to stumble across is unnerving.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
Hi and welcome, and cool nickname!

We don't have a members only section, but there is a private message function that does both 1-1 and group chats. But first, have you used the search function to get any keyword information? It's very common that the same resources get recommended to people who are brand new to the concept of polyamory. There are also sticky threads that contain useful ideas. They could help hone your questions and make any private message conversations more useful.

Common keywords include:

Opening up
Jealousy
Secondary
Triad
Hierarchical
Marriage

There are members who don't post publicly and anyone may PM you directly. If you ever get harassed in PM, please let a Mod know.

I hope this helps to get you started.

Evie
 

Liminalspace

New member
Hi and welcome, and cool nickname!

We don't have a members only section, but there is a private message function that does both 1-1 and group chats. But first, have you used the search function to get any keyword information? It's very common that the same resources get recommended to people who are brand new to the concept of polyamory. There are also sticky threads that contain useful ideas. They could help hone your questions and make any private message conversations more useful.

Common keywords include:

Opening up
Jealousy
Secondary
Triad
Hierarchical
Marriage

There are members who don't post publicly and anyone may PM you directly. If you ever get harassed in PM, please let a Mod know.

I hope this helps to get you started.

Evie
Thanks for the quick and helpful response and kind words, @Evie.

I have looked on here a few times before finally signing up for an account and posting, but I'll investigate more thoroughly now following your tips.

Please can you briefly explain how the private messaging function works, if I wanted to ask a question that way?
 
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Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
Click on a user then look for the "start conversation" button 🙂

It looks different on mobile to computer so I can't be overly specific. But if you are in any way viewing someone's profile, it should be reasonably obvious.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Liminalspace,

To start a private conversation, hover over the avatar of someone you want to talk to, then click (or right-click) on "Start conversation." A tab will then open that will allow you to (ask your questions and) enter multiple usernames if you want to talk to more than one person. I suppose it would help to have a list of usernames recorded ahead of time on a notepad file. Or you could open another Polyamory.com tab, click on "Members," and do some searching for the members that interest you. Also I believe that as the originator of a private conversation, you will also have the option to add more recipients later on.

I do not know of a forum that has a members-only section. Sorry.
Kevin T.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
Just in case... make sure to ask if the member is happy to PM rather than just launching into the query 🙂

This is where it becomes tricky creating a group PM straight away.
 

Liminalspace

New member
Hello Liminalspace,

To start a private conversation, hover over the avatar of someone you want to talk to, then click (or right-click) on "Start conversation." A tab will then open that will allow you to (ask your questions and) enter multiple usernames if you want to talk to more than one person. I suppose it would help to have a list of usernames recorded ahead of time on a notepad file. Or you could open another Polyamory.com tab, click on "Members," and do some searching for the members that interest you. Also I believe that as the originator of a private conversation, you will also have the option to add more recipients later on.

I do not know of a forum that has a members-only section. Sorry.
Kevin T.
Thanks @kdt26417. That makes sense.

I find it really strange that there isn't a completely private forum on polyamory! Or maybe there is and it's so private that hardly anyone knows it exists.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
Since everyone is anonymous here, I'm not sure why a more private forum would be needed?

There are private Facebook groups, but since they are under people's real names with Facebook info, I prefer this site.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
There are private Facebook groups that function much like this forum. Questions, discussions, pictures, random stories, etc. The down side is... it's FB so attached to your profile unless you make a completely new one for that purpose (some groups will have you verify with a mod before approving you though to try to prevent unsafe people from joining). Private groups there are searchable by name but no actual posts/member info are visible unless you actually join. People can screenshot and share but in my experience that rarely happens.

Fwiw, I think you can get very valuable insight here with just a little modification to your personal details to keep it anonymous, if you're worried about someone you know finding it. The other thing to remember is that they are searching polyamory too so unless you're going to be sharing something that could invade someone's privacy... the only people reading it are the people with interest in polyamory too.
 

ref2018

Maid of All Work
Staff member
Thanks @kdt26417. That makes sense.

I find it really strange that there isn't a completely private forum on polyamory! Or maybe there is and it's so private that hardly anyone knows it exists.
There is. It's for moderators and admins, and I think most people know it exists, but it's still very private. :)

The idea of a members-only format has been floated in the past, but after discussing it, it was decided to keep all posts visible to anyone and encourage people to use either the private messaging and/or discretion when choosing to specify names, dates, locations, and other PII.

What you could do is make a post giving a brief overview of your situation and the questions you'd like to ask and invite people to respond to you in private, then take it from there.
 

Liminalspace

New member
There are private Facebook groups that function much like this forum. Questions, discussions, pictures, random stories, etc. The down side is... it's FB so attached to your profile unless you make a completely new one for that purpose (some groups will have you verify with a mod before approving you though to try to prevent unsafe people from joining). Private groups there are searchable by name but no actual posts/member info are visible unless you actually join. People can screenshot and share but in my experience that rarely happens.

Fwiw, I think you can get very valuable insight here with just a little modification to your personal details to keep it anonymous, if you're worried about someone you know finding it. The other thing to remember is that they are searching polyamory too so unless you're going to be sharing something that could invade someone's privacy... the only people reading it are the people with interest in polyamory too.
Thanks @AlwaysGrowing. Yes, I'm aware there are Facebook groups but I wouldn't be comfortable joining one as myself. I'm not keen on setting up an alt profile for that purpose either and logging in and out. As someone who admins various Facebook groups, I'm always very suspicious of anyone with a brand new profile!

I know at least two people who are polyamorous but wouldn't feel comfortable asking them my questions directly and wouldn't really want them to have such personal insights into my private life and feelings. Equally with my own long-term partner, as we're just starting to consider polyamory and I'm trying to work through my own issues privately.

Thank you though!!!
 

Liminalspace

New member
There is. It's for moderators and admins, and I think most people know it exists, but it's still very private. :)

The idea of a members-only format has been floated in the past, but after discussing it, it was decided to keep all posts visible to anyone and encourage people to use either the private messaging and/or discretion when choosing to specify names, dates, locations, and other PII.

What you could do is make a post giving a brief overview of your situation and the questions you'd like to ask and invite people to respond to you in private, then take it from there.
Thanks @ref2018. That's not a bad idea.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I agree, it would be nice to have a members-only section, [shrug] for whatever reasons, the admins of this forum have not seen fit to create such a section. I do have the thought that a members-only section wouldn't be completely secure. Anyone who wanted to snoop could just create their own account so that they could snoop "as a member." Having said that, I do agree that having a members-only section would at least be a deterrent.
 

Token2

Member
I used Facebook groups a couple of times to bounce thought bubbles - there were, of course, gold nuggets in the replies but also in true Facebook nature people jumping straight to hard opinions and judgement...

I think here people have a little more empathy that 1 size doesn't fit all.

Strangely it was actually my local Facebook group that was the one I found really unwelcoming, hard and cliquey.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I'm on a fair number of the major polyamory Facebook groups, I can't say I'd recommend any of them. (I'm only there because occasionally I can be a useful voice for people that need one, but I don't think any of them are as good as here.)
 
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