oneiromancer
New member
if you found out your partner in a new relationship has had problems with self harm in the past, and there is a small chance of relapse, is this a deal breaker for you?
is this a deal breaker?
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Inyourendo
New member
No. I've self harmed as a coping mechanism before, doesn't make me undatable imo. What I do with my body doesn't affect anyone else
Depending on the exact chance of relapse, it could be a deal breaker for me too.
Because I have cut myself in the past, and still sometimes have the urge to do so (very rarely, but when it comes on, it comes on fast and hard and strong), I would not be able to be in a relationship with someone who has recently stopped cutting or occasionally has relapses.
When Jon and Lora and I moved in together, I knew that she had self-harmed in the past. I didn't know that it was cutting until after we moved in. At a point earlier this year, when I thought I overheard Jon stopping her from self-harming, I later had a conversation about that with him, and I learned that:
1) She was not self-harming. I overheard something a bit different.
2) She did self-harm herself about a bit over a year prior, when she was stressed about something and Jon wasn't around to calm her down.
I...got really upset for awhile (panic-attack level upset) and we had a conversation about the chances of Lora self-harming again now, because if she were to do so, we would be unable to continue to live together. I wouldn't be able to handle that.
I wouldn't think less of her, or not want to be friends with her, or judge her, it's just not something I could live in the same home with.
And for dating purposes, it would be something I'd be unable to deal with, because while I can talk about it when it's something that is FIRMLY in the past, I can't talk about it as a potential ongoing thing. That could be enough to cause a strong desire to do it again.
Because I have cut myself in the past, and still sometimes have the urge to do so (very rarely, but when it comes on, it comes on fast and hard and strong), I would not be able to be in a relationship with someone who has recently stopped cutting or occasionally has relapses.
When Jon and Lora and I moved in together, I knew that she had self-harmed in the past. I didn't know that it was cutting until after we moved in. At a point earlier this year, when I thought I overheard Jon stopping her from self-harming, I later had a conversation about that with him, and I learned that:
1) She was not self-harming. I overheard something a bit different.
2) She did self-harm herself about a bit over a year prior, when she was stressed about something and Jon wasn't around to calm her down.
I...got really upset for awhile (panic-attack level upset) and we had a conversation about the chances of Lora self-harming again now, because if she were to do so, we would be unable to continue to live together. I wouldn't be able to handle that.
I wouldn't think less of her, or not want to be friends with her, or judge her, it's just not something I could live in the same home with.
And for dating purposes, it would be something I'd be unable to deal with, because while I can talk about it when it's something that is FIRMLY in the past, I can't talk about it as a potential ongoing thing. That could be enough to cause a strong desire to do it again.
zigzag
New member
Would not be for me. Self harm is IMHO one facet of mental illness and I would not judge a person just because they have/had mental illness
LovingRadiance
Active member
Not necessarily. Both my current partner and I have cut in the past. In both cases it's been years, but we both struggle with anxiety and severe depression. What's been amazing about having a partner who also struggles with these issues, is that he's much more aware of how to be a functional support system when I go downhill. And I believe he would say the same of me. It's such an amazing feeling to have someone ACTUALLY understand.
With health issues of any type, there's ALWAYS a risk of relapse. But what is important to me is acknowledging that the risk exists, addressing appropriate steps to attempt to minimize the probability, and to maintain communication as things are happening in order to help stop a derailment before it occurs.
With health issues of any type, there's ALWAYS a risk of relapse. But what is important to me is acknowledging that the risk exists, addressing appropriate steps to attempt to minimize the probability, and to maintain communication as things are happening in order to help stop a derailment before it occurs.
GreenAcres
New member
It would depend on many things:
1. Are they receiving and complying with treatment, or have they had treatment and been discharged having learned coping mechanisms, etc.? If the answer to this question is "no," then it may be a deal-breaker for me. I don't judge people with mental illnesses, but I have dealt with various types of it pretty extensively with both family and past relationships, and if someone isn't actively pursuing treatment, I doubt I would do so again given my experiences.
2. What are the known and likely triggers, and how do those figure into our relationship? For example, if someone tended to self-harm to deal with normal relationships stresses, I would consider not dating them. If they used self harm generally for more infrequent and greater stressors (such as, say, the death of a loved one and the depression that brings), then it would be less of a concern for me.
3. Are they communicative about their feelings and struggles? If so, I'd be more comfortable with dating them. If not, it may be a deal breaker for me.
Like many things in relationships, much depends on the situation and the people involved, I think.
1. Are they receiving and complying with treatment, or have they had treatment and been discharged having learned coping mechanisms, etc.? If the answer to this question is "no," then it may be a deal-breaker for me. I don't judge people with mental illnesses, but I have dealt with various types of it pretty extensively with both family and past relationships, and if someone isn't actively pursuing treatment, I doubt I would do so again given my experiences.
2. What are the known and likely triggers, and how do those figure into our relationship? For example, if someone tended to self-harm to deal with normal relationships stresses, I would consider not dating them. If they used self harm generally for more infrequent and greater stressors (such as, say, the death of a loved one and the depression that brings), then it would be less of a concern for me.
3. Are they communicative about their feelings and struggles? If so, I'd be more comfortable with dating them. If not, it may be a deal breaker for me.
Like many things in relationships, much depends on the situation and the people involved, I think.
WhatHappened
Active member
What we do with our bodies most definitely does affect others. 
At this time in my life?
Yes. It would be a deal breaker. I have my plate full with other close people in my life dealing with various illnesses. I would not want to date and get attached to a new someone who deals with mental illness of some kind that leads risk of cutting / self harm.
I wouldn't want to be in a situation where all my people have a crisis at/near the same time. Then I have set me up to feel torn in many directions, super stressed and stretched thin.
I would not think less of them or anything. People come as they come.
It is MY own personal limitation at play here. I have to work within that.
Galagirl
Yes. It would be a deal breaker. I have my plate full with other close people in my life dealing with various illnesses. I would not want to date and get attached to a new someone who deals with mental illness of some kind that leads risk of cutting / self harm.
I wouldn't want to be in a situation where all my people have a crisis at/near the same time. Then I have set me up to feel torn in many directions, super stressed and stretched thin.
I would not think less of them or anything. People come as they come.
It is MY own personal limitation at play here. I have to work within that.
Galagirl
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Inyourendo
New member
What we do with our bodies most definitely does affect others.
In what way?
Self harm, like mental illness, is much more common than you may think. Stigma means that people don't often disclose widely. I've seen prevalence estimates that between one in four and one in five people have engaged in some form of self harm by their early 20s.
Whether this is a deal-breaker for you is up to you. If this is something you know that you don't want in your life or that you feel you wouldn't or couldn't cope with, then sure see it as a deal breaker. But please see this as being a choice about you and what you want, and not about there being something wrong with them.
My 2c
Whether this is a deal-breaker for you is up to you. If this is something you know that you don't want in your life or that you feel you wouldn't or couldn't cope with, then sure see it as a deal breaker. But please see this as being a choice about you and what you want, and not about there being something wrong with them.
My 2c
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
From how I interpret the responses, everyone in this thread agrees with you.
graviton
New member
Self harm means there IS something wrong with them. It is part and parcel with mental illness. It doesn't mean the person can't or shouldn't be loved but to portray it as no big deal and OK since 20% of people have done it is a bit silly.
IndieSolo
Active member
I grew up with a family member who had a very serious mental illness and the experience was extremely draining, and affected me (and the whole family, including relatives who did not live with us) very, very deeply. Hospitalizations, suicide attempts, disappearances, hallucinations, delusions, fights, and accusations -- these kinds of things were always at the center of everything, or hanging in the background. There was no stability whatsoever. My childhood sucked, mostly because of this person's mental illness.
I have a great deal of compassion for the mentally ill, but I don't want to be involved in a love relationship with anyone who has such a serious mental illness that they harm themselves or are wavering about taking care of themselves to not do so. I just don't have it in me anymore - my family member took so much out of me. I do not want to be in the position of caregiver for that kind of illness ever again.
I don't want to deal with the drama and pain surrounding a loved one who inflicts harm on themselves. I don't want a relationship to center around whether or not the person is taking care of themselves or not. I was in a relationship for a long time with someone who is manic depressive (now called bipolar), and he takes care of himself very well, so it was never an issue for us. But these days, I want to be involved with people who are basically happy, well-adjusted, and mentally healthy.
I have a great deal of compassion for the mentally ill, but I don't want to be involved in a love relationship with anyone who has such a serious mental illness that they harm themselves or are wavering about taking care of themselves to not do so. I just don't have it in me anymore - my family member took so much out of me. I do not want to be in the position of caregiver for that kind of illness ever again.
I don't want to deal with the drama and pain surrounding a loved one who inflicts harm on themselves. I don't want a relationship to center around whether or not the person is taking care of themselves or not. I was in a relationship for a long time with someone who is manic depressive (now called bipolar), and he takes care of himself very well, so it was never an issue for us. But these days, I want to be involved with people who are basically happy, well-adjusted, and mentally healthy.
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Depends how far in the past, how often or how much they did it and how the person has changed in their approach or ability to deal with emotions or problems since then.
I self harmed as a teenager, not lots but at times when I felt worst like just after being dumped by a boyfriend, when my parents were having marital issues and when a friend died.
That was nearly 20 years ago and I've never done it or felt the urge since.
I self harmed as a teenager, not lots but at times when I felt worst like just after being dumped by a boyfriend, when my parents were having marital issues and when a friend died.
That was nearly 20 years ago and I've never done it or felt the urge since.
I had a relationship with someone who had previously been anorexic and also self-harmed. She was one of the most intelligent and engaging people I've met and I'm so grateful I had the chance to fall in love with her. That's not to say it was all roses: she had some issues with honesty that weren't all that great for the relationship and couldn't always cope with things, and I left the relationship feeling fairly angry.
I also work as a counselor and engage frequently with people with mental illness. For the most part, they're going about making meaning in their lives the same way the rest of us are.
And, for what it's worth, I'm on anxiety medication right now because I've had trouble sleeping.
People are just people. They are beautiful and terrible and you have a choice about whether and how you let them into your life and what weight of expectation you attach to them.
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WhatHappened
Active member
Every act we take is something we 'do with our body.' It would seem fairly obvious that our actions impact each other.
If my father's choice of what to 'do with his body' is to drink to excess, that affects me.
If my mother's choice of what to 'do with her body' is to smoke and do drugs, that affects me.
Some of my XBF's choices--things he's 'doing with his own body' are in fact very hurtful to me.
I have a friend who cuts when she gets very upset, and I can't even imagine what that's doing to her kids and her husband. I have a friend whose son did some major cutting. Yeah, it's his body. Yeah, it sure did affect her. How could it not? It affects her every time she thinks of what his chest looks like and the fact that he has to live with that permanent scarring for the rest of his life.
If someone chooses to commit suicide--yep, it's their body, but yes, it most certainly does affect those around them. Today was the anniversary of the death by suicide of a boy in my church. Yeah, you know, I think his family is still hurting. Even though it was any of their bodies hanging from the light fixture when they walked in.
Our actions affect others, period. Calling it 'what I do with my body' doesn't really change that. We're all on this earth together, and what we choose to do does have impact on others.
Inyourendo
New member
What makes getting body mods acceptable such as piercings amd tattoos but cutting is not. When you drink that alters your behavior, does affect others but cutting yourself behind closed doors doesn't alter your behavior to others. Smoking puts people in a bad mood when they need their Nic fix, it also can subject others to second hand and third hand smoke. Drugs affect people's behavior and pocket book. Cutting again does not.
Cutting isn't much different than someone using exercise as their emotional release other than cutting yourself leaves a temporary scar and cutting isn't socially acceptable like exercise is. I think we need to respect other's choices. what they do with their body is their choice.
Cutting isn't much different than someone using exercise as their emotional release other than cutting yourself leaves a temporary scar and cutting isn't socially acceptable like exercise is. I think we need to respect other's choices. what they do with their body is their choice.