is this a deal breaker?

My friend's scars are not temporary. Neither are my friend's son's.

Nobody said anything about 'respecting your choice.' I said our actions and choices do affect others. I can guarantee that seeing those scars on his mother affects her son. This has nothing to do with 'respect.' It's simply a fact.

You have a whole bunch of people in this thread saying that someone's choice to self harm is a deal breaker for them. That, also, is their choice.
 
Yep, if they choose to let something bother them I suppose it does affect them. It would not affect me though which is why it would not be a deal breaker.
 
Inyourendo said:
Yep, if they choose to let something bother them I suppose it does affect them. It would not affect me though which is why it would not be a deal breaker.
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Me neither.
 
Inyourendo said:
It would not affect me though which is why it would not be a deal breaker.
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So, you would be like, "Oh, you're a cutter? Okay. Whatev." <yawn> No big deal, right?

Not me. I would find it rather disturbing and worrisome that they would feel a compulsion to mutilate their own body. Of course, it's their choice - but, just as I would not date a smoker, I would not date a cutter. I couldn't be in a relationship where I am constantly disturbed and/or worried about my lover's choices and well-being.

I can't believe you attempted to normalize cutting oneself as if it's just a hobby. It's not.
 
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I always said I wouldn't date a smoker, and I would block them from coming up in my OKC searches. Then I met my boyfriend and went on two dates before I realized he was a smoker. :/ He's now in the process of quitting, thank goodness, but it sucks that his life insurance premiums are much more expensive than what mine cost. The smell is pretty terrible, but he's been smoke free for several months, so that is a thing of the past.

My father died of a heart attack brought on by damage done due to emphysema complications, caused by smoking. He had a horrific last few years. I do NOT want to go through something like that again. His mental illness also caused me terrible stress growing up - I would not willingly date someone who was unmedicated or had a high likelihood of self-harm. I wouldn't cancel out someone who was receiving treatment and/or was stable.
 
Hi oneiromancer,

Re (from OP):
"If you found out your partner in a new relationship has had problems with self harm in the past, and there is a small chance of relapse, is this a deal breaker for you?"
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I don't think it is. I don't believe in writing people off over a mental or emotional illness unless they're unwilling to recognize the problem and get help. Narcissism might be a problem because the narcissist sees everyone else as being the problem. Sometimes that's true of borderline personality disorder too, but I hesitate to admit that because I myself was once diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder.

If someone's had a problem (e.g. self harm) in the past, and has seemingly overcome it, then I certainly see no reason to write them off. All I ask is if they do have a relapse, they then get some professional help for it at that time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Choosing not to get involved with someone who has a history of self-harm, and who might be inclined to do it again, isn't necessarily "writing them off." One can have personal boundaries regarding what kind of behavior is acceptable in a partner without being disrespectful towards the issues one would not want to deal with. So, I wouldn't consider saying, "No, cutting yourself is a deal breaker" as "writing someone off."
 
Yeah, that's a good point. Sometimes it's about what you can stand to deal with in your own life, rather than whether you agree that the person in question deserves a chance.

Trying to think of what I couldn't handle even if I didn't hold it against the person per se. I probably couldn't handle living with a hoarder, so that's one thing.

I think I'd struggle with it if the person brought kids into my home, but depending on the kids and the person, I might make the sacrifice.
 
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