Is this a new triad?

I'm glad the forum has been of help to you. You and your partners are making good progress, that's for sure.
 
Well. Last night Ben and I had a date. We went out for dinner and then sat in his car for a while before getting a hotel room. And I forgot to check back in with Sofia to let her know what was happening. Ooof, major mistake.

After a morning full of emotional text messages, we arrived at the conclusion that Ben and I are going to cool it for now. Sofia and I still have a lot to work on in our relationship and the added emotional weight of being metamours is not helping. And I committed to Sofia to be better about communicating and communicating clearly so that she can align her expectations to reality.
 
kdt26417 said:
Sofia is having some jealousy feelings about you and Ben. It's like you should have a nice triad relationship, but Sofia is throwing a wet blanket over it. Also, she is doubting you when you say you love her and want to have sex with her. She is testing you, and the test is rigged. If you can't answer her "Why?" questions, then that supposedly proves that you aren't telling the truth. She surely knows that things are amiss in your marriage. Isn't that what a couple's therapy is for, is to address the problems in the marriage? Or is she on her way out, and doesn't want to be convinced to stay? I hope not, but that's kind of how she's acting.
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I think the same; that Sofia is on her way out. Even if she doesn't want therapy, it might help you to go see a (poly) therapist yourself so that you can have that support whilst you are going through this rocky, crazy, lovely space. Big hugs.
 
Brazen said:
Can I ask does that mean Ben and Sofia will also cool it for now too?
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I haven't asked for that, and I don't really think it would help. I have at times considered asking but it never seemed like it would really be productive.

Rechristening said:
Sofia is on her way out
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A little over a week ago I thought this too, but then we had a really good talk and it seemed like she was ready to work on our relationship. The latest incident may have put her back on the fence.

This morning she told Ben and me that she needed us to cool it or she would need to withdraw from romantic and sexual relationships with both of us to protect her own sanity. I mean, I get it. A month or two ago, I wasn't quite in exactly the same spot as she is now, but it was tough getting used to being in a relationship with someone who was dating someone else. She also made mistakes of under-communication at that time and it was really tough on me emotionally when that happened.
 
Sorry to hear that you have hit a roadblock. I hope cooling it with Ben will help you and Sofia work on your relationship (and communication) a bit.
 
Ben and I were sort of testing the waters of seeing if it was possible for us to hang out, and Sofia said definitively she does not want a triad and does not ever expect to be okay with it. Both Ben and I want to prioritize our relationships with Sofia over one with each other, so I guess that's that. I'm feeling sad but it is what it is.
 
I take it you and Ben have to break up, due to Sofia not wanting a triad. I'm sorry it has come to that, it seems that Sofia has exercised some power over the situation.
 
Well, I've come to find out now that while Sofia did have trepidations, it was, in fact, Ben who wanted to call it off, and he was telling me, “Oh, too bad Sofia says we can’t,” when he actually meant “I don’t want a romantic relationship with you now.” So I put myself out there, asking Sofia to dig into her boundary there and explain the reasoning and if there was flexibility there. That didn’t really go very well and led to the earlier message today. But then she talked with Ben and shared more details with me afterwards.

I’m annoyed because I think pushing on that and the emotionally-heated conversation afterwards unnecessarily set back Sofia's and my relationship healing process. But on the other hand, it revealed that a triad with Ben was probably a really bad idea from the start. So I am sort of feeling like a bullet was dodged there, although he and Sofia are still involved, so the break in trust still has damage to do. Oof.
 
It sounds like Ben was a little bit dishonest with you, or at least, not forthcoming about his role in the breakup between you and him. I would be upset about that if I were you. I wouldn't know if I could be friends with Ben, knowing what I knew about him. It seems he was more comfortable if Sofia took the heat for the situation.
 
Yeah. I mean, I can still play board games or whatever with him, but if he really wanted to be friends like he said, he should have said what he meant and not tried to take advantage of Sofia’s trepidations to bow out. I should probably not have been so credulous, in retrospect, but I really wanted to make it work.
 
You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Sorry things did not work out like you had hoped.
 
I guess it shows that Sofia was right to have concerns. And honestly it makes me appreciate the bond and relationship between Sofia and me even more. We have certainly had our troubles but we have always been forthright with each other, at times perhaps to a fault.
 
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