Is this a vee?

[Magdlyn]

I think Allie insists upon my presence because that makes it "legitimate", that is, she's not having a clandestine affair behind my back. That would violate her moral code,

In polyamorous relationship, there does not need to be group sex for everything to be legit. As adults, we all give our informed consent. So, Allie *could* have sex with Hank without you there, if, say, you weren't in the mood to watch them fuck for hours even after you were done and really just wanting to sleep. You could let them go at it, and you could go to the guest room or wherever to just rest, or do other things such as play a game or watch TV or clean or do another hobby or go work out, walk the dog, etc., etc.

Or he could come visit and you could not have group sex at all (if you didn't feel like it). Maybe you and Allie could have sex before he comes over, and then he has his turn. However, if group sex is your own personal kink (and you're not just doing it out of some idea that it makes Allie feel like she is being "good" while being "bad") then, fine, you do you.

This is not all about Allie (and Hank). Your feelings, desires, etc. matter just as much.

I think. I don't know...she's a dichotomy...wants to be perceived as "straight-laced", but wants to be naughty, too! I'll have to talk to Hank about that...

Or talk to her about that! It's her thing, not his.

I appreciate your insight...and your candor. When you told me your age, and still-active libido, I was surprised, and it gave me something to think about. Allie is 38, and looks 15 years younger...she still gets carded in bars sometimes...seriously! To see what she looks like, watch an old Dick Van Dyke TV show, with Mary Tyler Moore. Take away the lacquered-down hair and excess make-up, and you have Allie's doppelganger. Allie's whole family carries some kind of extra youth genome; she has four younger siblings, and they all look like high-school kids, though they're mostly in their 30's. Her mother is 64, and looks to be in her 40's.

I'm already 6 1/2 years older than Allie...what's it going to be like in 25 years? She'll be 63, I'll be pushing 70. Makes me think!

My partner Pixi and my bf are decades younger than me. They have no problem with that and neither do I. I am young at heart so we can have lots of "fun," but they also appreciate my experience and what they call "wisdom." 6 (or 16) years is nothing to worry about, once we are out of our 20s, I feel. I know that's a loaded subject and many people would disagree. I've just always been fine with intergenerational platonic friends and lovers. I do not exploit anyone, or felt exploited, because of age differences.

How do you determine who is your "primary" partner?

The one one shares a household and finances with. Pixi shares in all that with both Malachi and me. It took years to get to that point, of course.

Why didn't sharing sex with Pixi and your bf or a FWB work?

That would be a long story, and it was different with each guy. Basically, I find triads way too complicated. It takes mad relationship skills on all parts, and the guys I tried it with did not have those.

I guess in my case, Allie is my primary (read only) partner, and I'm her primary. But I wonder who Hank considers his primary? Another thing to ask him about...

 

[aarlow]

Doesn't have to share with anyone. How "out" you all want to be to other people about your arrangement is a decision between you three.

But nope. Not all that unique. Not bizarre.

Whether a purely FWB thing to share only friendship and sex or a polyamory thing to share friendship, sex, and romance? Others before you have traveled this road. There will be others after you.



For now, you seem fine with it. Her emotional management is her job. So... she can deal with that concern.



Could make her aware this forum exists, but if she prefers to be elsewhere online so you each have your own "space" that's fine too. Or maybe she's not into forums. Each of of you is still an individual even though sometimes you have threesome sex play dates.



If you are worried she needs reassuring somehow? Could ASK HER if she needs reassuring somehow.

If it is that YOU need some kind of reassuring? Ask for what you need.



It sounds like you all know and consent to participate in this. So it isn't "clandestine" if you all know and consent. You don't actually have to be present for every encounter Allie has with Hank. For it to be ethical non-monogamy? What is required is consent and knowledge in all participants. The group sex part? Not really a requirement.

Now... if you like being there for threesome sex because you get off on watching / being a voyeur and the other two also get off on being watched and all get along well enough for that? Carry on and have fun. Not anyone's business but you 3 people's business.



Some people enjoy only thinking about it/fantasizing. Some people like doing that PLUS actually having extra-marital sex here and there like casual sex, or regularly with a steady partner. Some don't like either thinking about it OR doing extra-martial sex. People come in all sorts of ways, each with their own way for how they prefer to run their lives.

If part of the fun for Allie is being "naughty" then I think "Sure. Entirely possible. Have fun and enjoy."

Galagirl

You have some interesting insights...thanks for that. Of course, there is more to our story than I've put down here...isn't there always?

 

[aarlow]

Or he could come visit and you could not have group sex at all (if you didn't feel like it). Maybe you and Allie could have sex before he comes over, and then he has his turn. However, if group sex is your own personal kink (and you're not just doing it out of some idea that it makes Allie feel like she is being "good" while being "bad") then, fine, you do you.

I do admit to enjoy being present during their sex, but there's more to it than that. Hank and I conspire to introduce new elements of sexual "adventure" to Allie. For example, we encouraged her to pose for nude photos by Hank's photographer friend...and she did. The experience really hyped Allie sexually...she's very much into physicality, hers and others. We've also learned that she's aroused by "Chippendale"-type male dancers. and Hank has arranged for us to attend several of these in S.F. I guess Hank and I are "guilty" of pandering to Allie's sexuality. Ours too.

All told, it's become a recreational activity that we're all enjoying...thanks to Hank, SF. has become sort of a sexual Fantasy Island for us.